The Wits and Woes of Mrs. Sakura Haruno




The bright sunlight sliced through the window shades, and I unintentionally groaned. God, I hated mornings. Whoever created them must've been in a foul mood.

I wanted to stay under the covers and catch a few more minutes of sleep, but Tsunade had insisted that team seven get their asses to her office pronto this morning, as she had a very important mission to discuss with us.

Rubbing my eyes, I climbed out of the my cozy, warm bed and stretched my limbs. Whoa, was it me or was there a draft in this room? I must've left the window open last night, but I don't even remember opening it.

Wait. I thought hard for a second. What had I done last night? The last thing I remember is going to check out this new club with Ino, but for everything after that I drew a blank.

And you know what, since when did I have a window in my room anyway? My cheap ass apartment barely had walls (seriously, the place was gonna collapse on me one of these days). My eyes flew open, unlike the window, which was locked shut.

Yeah. There's no draft. I'm just naked.

I'm fucking naked.


I heard the sound of bed springs creaking, and looked over my shoulder to find that I was not alone. Apparently, whoever owned this room/apartment/house/SECRET LAIR had issues with sleeping alone, because he was lounging on the side of the bed that didn't have my body indent.

He looked like a nice guy, at least. He had really soft-looking (I DID NOT TOUCH IT) blond hair and the longest eyelashes in the world. Not to mention a great body. He wasn't to bulky like some guys, but he wasn't a stick either. I think lean would be a good way to describe him-

Hold up. Hot nice guy was naked too.

Well, shit.

I probably lost my virginity to this guy, I thought, then realized that since I was drawing a blank, anything could've happened that night. I could be a wanted criminal by now.

The thought scared me shitless, and I resolved to find a phone to call Ino and demand she pick me up and tell me everything that happened last night. First, though, I should find my clothes...they had to be around here somewhere...

AHA! Found 'em. They were lying on the bed next to the hot nice guy, who I bet looked even hotter when he wasn't drooling all over the bedspread. Using my badass ninja skillz, I tiptoed around the bed and snatched my bra and underwear.

At least I had worn a good pair; my matching pink and red polka-dot bra and brief set. I felt like I was in a Victoria's Secret commercial whenever I put them on.

Next I grabbed my short red silk skirt-the one Neji SWORE I stole from his closet-and zipped my ass into it. I was reaching for my white halter top when a tan hand snuck up on my wrist. Amazingly, I managed to contain my shocked scream.

"Sakura..." My wrist-captor mumbled in his sleep. He turned on his side, and I, not wanting to wake Your Majesty with my efforts to steal back my arm (nobody plays sleep tug of war anymore), slipped onto the bed next to him and tried to nudge his hand gently off of me.

The ninja in me was screaming to be careful, this guy could be a seasoned criminal. I told it to STFU if it didn't wanna get caught. Something wet and slimy touched the wrist he was holding, and I couldn't contain my shocked screech this time.

"WHO IS IT, UN?" Blondie shot into a sitting position, wrist still in hand, and looked around him. His eyes landed on me, and, not suspicious at all, the Konoha headband lying at the foot of his bed.

Damn, I was wondering where I left that...

"Who the hell are you, un?" I looked up into a pair of narrowed ocean blue eyes, sensing his alarm. Apparently, blondie doesn't remember much of last night either.

"Well?" He demanded, a little rudely, if you ask me. I stuck my tongue out at him, and the next moment both my wrists were pinned above my head and my back was pressed against the mattress. Blondie hovered above me, looking quiet pleased with himself.

"Is this the part where I'm supposed to be scared?" I asked boredly. I would've inspected my nails, had my hands not been pinned against a pillow at the time. "Cuz, really, the only scary thing about you is your hair. It's a mess."

He looked like I had just diagnosed him with cancer, but it wasn't my fault he couldn't clean himself up before intimidating little pink haired girls.

Okay, I take that back. I was a force to be reckoned with. Too bad Blondie didn't know that.

While he was having what seemed to be a nervous breakdown, I got a good look at all the tattoos on his body. There was this one right above his heart, it almost seemed like stitches...And his eyes, there was just something so familiar about them.

Click. That was the sound of me putting the pieces together. Blue eyes. Girlie Blond hair. Eyelashes Ino would kill for. And the slimy sensation on my wrists...it was from his hands. He had mouths on his hands!

Oh shit! I'm being pinned to a bed by Deidara of the Akatsuki! The one who tried to take Naruto, the one who has an obsession with blowing stuff up! And I had just insulted his hair...

I wondered if he would blow me up for that.

At the sight of my scared-out-of-my-wits face Deidara seemed to snap out of his trance. He looked down at me in fascination.

"Something wrong, un?"

I gulped, feeling like a Pikachu cornered by a wild snorlax. I used excuse. "Oh, ugh, yeah. See, I just remembered I was late for...an...appointment! So if you could let me go..."

The bastard had the gull to look amused. "What kind of appointment, un?"

"An STD test." SUCK THAT, you cocky son-of-a-hobo.

Deidara's features assumed the 'scared-shitless' look I had on not but a few milliseconds ago. "Are you serious, un?"

"Maybe, un."

"Are you mocking me, un?"

"I'm not mocking you, un."




"Geez, Drama Queen."



I'm sure by now my grin was maddening, Sasuke always said that since he returned to Konoha I'd started to appear in his nightmares. Good. Let my grin be a warning to all emo Uchihas: Fear the pink, bitches!

...Back with the plot, Deidara was starting to cool off. I chanced a question.

"Do you remember what happened last night?"

He smirked, and right then I knew I wasn't getting that information without giving him something in return. "I do, un."

"Are you gonna be my baby daddy?"

"Fuck no!"

"So we used protection?"




"...I've been defeated."




There was a somewhat comfortable silence after that. At least until there was a knock on Deidara's-I'm guessing this is his bedroom-door.


"It's Tobi!"

"Go away!"

Ignoring Deidara's orders, Tobi sauntered right on in. It was pretty funny to watch his face when he saw me and his Akatsuki buddy's current position. He blushed bright red and stuttered "T-Tobi is a good boy! TOBI IS GOOD! TOBI IS A GOOD BOY!" And raced out of the room with his hands over his eye. I say eye because the rest of his face was covered by a bright orange mask.

"His mask is the same color as my teammate's jumpsuit," I observed.

Deidara shot me a look, "Your teammate wears an orange jumpsuit? Some ninja you guys are. How are you supposed to stay incognito with that bubblegum pink hair anyway?"

"Oh, this is nothing," I told him, "My other teammate used to wear a huge purple bow around his ass."

"Wow. I bet you wanted to unwrap that gift."

I laughed out loud, almost covering up the sound of footsteps headed towards the room. Deidara let go of me and got up to look out in the hallway.

A hallway? Wait. Hallways meant there were more rooms, and more rooms meant there were more people to occupy them.

Deidara was in the Akasuki.

I was in the Akatsuki base.

Oh. My. Jashin.

"Deidara!" Someone yelled in a way that insinuated there was a bromance going on. I turned to see who it was but Deidara was blocking my veiw.

"Fuck off, un!"

"You think we're just gonna let you chill here after Tobi came running by mumbling about naked women in your room? Hell to the no."

Naked women? Oh, I guess that's me. Pervert #203 would be upset that I had located my shirt and tossed it on.

"Yeah, about that," Deidara started, and I knew from his tone that is I didn't get my gear on and GTFO then I wasn't going to be allowed to leave.

"What about it?" A new, but agonizingly familiar voice asked. I paused in putting on my shoes to listen.

"She's a Konoha ninja, I saw the Hidden Leaf symbol on her headband."

"Perhaps one of us can recognize her."

There's not way. It couldn't be.

"I doubt it," Deidara hinted.

He's supposed to be dead.

"Unless you know any Kunoichi with pink hair, un."

Oh. Shiz.

Deidara moved out of the way, exposing me to the Akatsuki in all my messy pink haired glory.

"Deidara," Sasori said very deliberately, as if measuring his words. "How did this particular kunoichi end up in your bed?"

Poor Deidara, he looked so absolutely clueless. He reminded me of Ino, they even kind of looked alike...


I must've gotten drunk, which is why I don't remember anything, and thought Deidara was Ino. He could've been drunk too, and one of us probably passed out (heh, me) before we could...you know.

Now that I knew the whole story, it was Akatsuki ass-kicking time.

Snatching the kunai I always keep strapped to my thigh, I did a quick shadow clone jutsu and sent my clones on the boys, then I turned to high-tailed it out of there via the window, which I broke with the kunai.

Unfortunately, someone grabbed me by the neck of my halter, and someone else lifted me up by my feet. Together, they hefted me up and back on to the bed.

"Am I really so fat that it requires two Akatsuki members just to lift me up?"

The blue one I recalled as Kisame shrugged. "Some of us are just lightweights," He shot a pointed look at Deidara.


"That explains the hair," I mumbled, he turned his glare on me.

I grinned, "Sorry, DeiDei!"

His glare, if possible, intensified.

Kisame chuckled and sat down on the foot of the bed, gesturing for me to come scoot next to him. I raised an eyebrow, "How do I know you won't try anything?"

"You're too fat for me," He shrugged. I tossed a pillow at his smug face.

"Shut up, smurf."

One by one, the rest of the Akatsuki filed into Deidara bedroom, all equally as curious as the rest about the strange little little pink menace who has invaded their home. The ninja in me has now given up hope of surviving, but she was annoying anyway. Now I could think clearly.

"So, um, how exactly did you end up here?" Itachi asked. I knew it was him because of the eyes. And the hair. And the all-around sexiness. Next to him sat Sasori, who was smirking at me in a very concerning way. I chose to ignore him in favor of El Sexichiha.

"It's a looooong story...anyone got, like, a drawing board?"

"Why the fuck would we have a drawing board?" A guy with purple eyes and silver hair asked. I gave him my best 'Go Suck Yourself' face.

"To draw stuff on. Obviously."

"Ahem," A guy with green hair and half of his body tanned while the other half was pale cleared his throat, "I have a drawing board." He said, and pulled it out from seemingly thin air.

"Holy shit, where were you hiding that thing?" I asked. I just got this creepy smirk as an answer. '

"okay..." I walked up to the board and saw that it was all paper, and that you could just flip one page over and get a whole new one. It was big enough for everyone in the room to see and easy for to draw on. There was only one problem.

"You need a fucking pencil." pointed out.

"No fucking duh." I said, then held my hand out like a boss. "Pencil. Now."

Instantly, nine writing utensils were trust at me. A few weren't even aimed at my hand.

"Okay," I drew a stick figure of myself, "So this is me. This is my friend Ino. This is the club we were at, and THIS-" I drew a picture of a copy of Ino, only I put him in an Akatsuki cloak, "-is Deidara."

There were a few giggles, but mostly everyone stayed silent. I flipped the page over, and was in the middle of drawing a pretty picture of me and Ino and Deidara getting flat-out wasted, when someone raised their hand.

"Um...yeah?" I felt like a kindergarden teacher.

"Tobi wants to know why Tobi is not in that picture."

"Because you weren't there...?"

"Can Tobi still be in the picture?"

He looked at me with the puppy dog eyes, and I couldn't resist so I drew another stick figure by one of the strippers and said that could be him. Hidan looked slightly jealous.

"This is us getting drunk." I explained. I flipped the page again and drew a pic of me looking at Deidara and pouncing on him while Ino flirted with Tobi.

"I thought Deidara was Ino," I informed them, and drew a picture of us taking off our clothes and falling asleep on the last page. I felt slightly awkward after that, since my stick figure people were already 'naked'.

"Way to go, Deidara, you almost got some last night." Kisame taunted, getting the blond all riled up. I watched as the rest of the Akatsuki was slowly pulled into their spat, and, when they were all focused on out-smarting the other, I out-smarted them all by performing a transport jutsu and disappeared in a puff of sakura blossoms.

Suckers,I thought, grinning mischievously as I walked past the Konoha gates. First stop; Ino's house. I've got so much to tell her.



Back in Konoha



Ino stretched out her arm and legs, tired from partying all night at Kakashi's Corner, the hottest new club in Konoha. It had been fun, and Sakura seemed to have a blast. She was all over that blond dude.

Huh. Ino wondered what happened to her friend. She knew she should be worried, Sakura didn't handle alcohol well and had a tendency of forgetting the events that happened while she's intoxicated.

But c'mon, it's Sakura. How much trouble could she possibly get into?





Tada! Happy winter break :D Wow, there wasn't ANY romance at all in this. Do you think it was even worth my time to write? I hope so, it was fun. Leave a review and let me know what you think, and if I should make a sequel :) Please & Thank you.