-o-

Calm yo Tits

-o-

"Yo," I greeted Kisame, who was snuggled up on the couch, wrapped in his Nemo-patterned snuggie.

He barely nodded at me as I plopped down next to him on the sofa (was that mold?), engrossed i nthe magazine open on his lap. I peeked over his shoulder, glancing down at the article he was so fascinated by.

HOW TO CONFESS TO THE GIRL OF YOUR DREAMS: 100% SUCCESS RATE

And then I burst out laughing.

"What's so funny?" Kisame asked indignantly, crossing his arms ove rhis chest. If he weren't glowering at me so hard, I would've just laughed harder. Instead, I said this:

"Are you stupid? You don't need to read stuff like that when you've got a female in the house!"

"Deidara doesn't have much experience with this stuff..."

"No, fishstick, I WAS TALKING ABOUT ME! Hell, I could teach a class on how to talk to girls..."

And those were the words that began my nightmare.

-o-

-o-o-o-o-

-o-

"Okay, everyone shut the hell up!" I ordered, pushing the glasses I had found in Hidan's laundry basket up my nose. They were hot pink, cat-eyed, and clear. So basically, I looked friggin sexylicious. In front of me were eight desks, each occupying an Akatsuki member. Behind me, a chalkboard with HOW TO GET A GIRL 101 written on it in blue chalk.

My life is complete.

"That's not how teachers are supposed to talk to students, un." Deidara remarked, turning around in his seat so he was facing me.

I snorted. "Nobody asked you. Now shut your trap before I piss in it."

"He might like it." Alejandro snickered. He'd been here all morning. I don't know where Itachi went, but he needed to get his ass back here before I snapped a ruler on his evil (more evil?) alter-ego's back.

"You might like it. I might be sick, un." Deidara snapped, blushing profusely. Hehe. Look at me, gettin att technical and using words like 'profusely.' It must be the blouse. And the glasses. And the red business-like skirt. I fell so important.

"Hurry up and start this fuckin class, pink shit."

"Okay," I grinned at Hidan, sending shivers down his spine. He would pay for that later. "Everybody listen up!"

The class simply continued on talking.

Bitches.

How dare they ignore me, Sakura the Merciless?

I COULD CRUSH THEM LIKE MAGGOTS.

"I WILL CRUSH YOU LIKE MAGGOTS!"

"No you won't." Itachi pointed out.

"You don't have the balls." Deidara added, not even looking up from the sketch he was drawing on his notebook.

"I have more balls then both of you combined!"

"Sure you do."

"Uh huh."

"Oh, fuck both you hookers."

Deidara and Alejandro grinned sloppily. "Gladly!"

Scowling, I grabbed a piece of chalk and began writing on the board. At least I had everyone's attention now.

You're at a club, and all of a sudden the girl of your dreams passes by you, lookin' sexylicious in a blouse and red skirt. What's your pick up line? I wrote, grinning at my genius.

"Okay, write down what you'd say and then oyu can come up, one-by-one, and try it on me." I glared at them all over the rim of my fake pink classes. "And no funny-business, got it?" I let my gaze linger on Alejandro, who gave me a gay little wave and wink.

He was so getting an F for the day.

"Tobi has a question!"

"No he doesn't. GET TO WORK!"

And so they did.

-o-

-o-o-o-o-

-o-

First up was Itachi/Alejandro. I glared at him as he stepped up to my desk, slipped on a pair of dark-tinted sunglasses, and smirked at me.

"Can I read your T-shirt in brail?" He asked, reaching out a hand towards my chest.

And that's how Itachi Uchiha found himself with a black eye, compliments of one pissed-off Sakura Haruno.

"NEXT!"

-o-

-o-o-o-o-

-o-

Sasori stared at me coolly.

"Do I really have to do this?"

[insert cheesy grin here]

"YOSH!"

Sasori sighed. "Are those lumberjack pants you're wearing? 'Cuz they're giving me a wood." He said flatly.

Silence.

"HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"

-o-

"WHO SHALL BE SAKURA'S NEXT VICTIM?"

"I will." Zetsu said, santering up to my my desk and leaning on it casually.

"Zetsu? Huh, this is a surprise. We rarely ever hear from you in this fanfiction."

"Indeed."

"Go on then!"

"Can I walk through your bushes and climb your mountains?"

"..."

"..."

"NEXT."

-o-

Dediara hopped up to me, grin on his face.

I raised an eyebrow.

"I have an owie on my hand, will you kiss it better?"

"No. JUST. NO."

-o-

"You look like a refreshing glass of water, and I'm the thirstiest guy on Earth."

"Way too cheesy, Kisame. NEXT!"

-o-

"TOBI LOVES YOU AND WANTS TO HAVE YOUR BABIES!"

"...Tobi, that's not gonna go over well with some random chick you meet at a bar or wherever."

-o-

"Fuck me, you bitch."

"Fuck yourself, asshole!"

"Yeah, well-"

"HIDAN IS PISSING ME OFF! NEXT!"

-o-

"Do you like tentacles? Because I drugged your drink."

"...Oh my God, Kakuzu."

"What? I thought it was a fine pick up line."

"It is. But, like, what if she doesn't have a drink?"

"She? Why does it have to be a girl?"

-o-

"YOU GUYS ALL SUCK!" I shouted, fed up with their games. If none of them would take this class seriously, then I wasn't going to teach it. "YOU'LL NEVER GET A GIRL! I. AM. DONE."

And I stomped out of the room like the awesome bitch I am.

-o-

"Do you think she's coming back, un?"

"God, I fuckin' hope not. Bitch was getting on my nerves."

"Shut up, Hidan. I think we angered her."

"Kakuzu is right, un. Someone should go apologize."

The Akatsuki stood in a circle for a moment, contemplating.

"NAW!" They all shouted, laughing. Sakura would be fine. She was a big girl, after all.

What they didn't know was that Sakura was already out the door, flanked on either side by her old teammates Sasuke and Naruto, Kakashi following swiftly behind.

-o-

"Wow, I didn't expect you guys to actually show up." Sakura said, surprised but thankful to her saviors. Sakura had to admit that she would miss the Akatsuki, but not nearly as much as she missed Konoha.

Good riddance Akatsuki, hellooooo homeland!

"Hn."

"I'm so glad you're safe, Sakura-chan!"

Sakura grinned. Oh, how she had missed her team.

But an odd feeling was nawing at her heart, something akin to regret.

Sakura shook it off, choosing instead to push Sasuke off of the tree he was scouting from, SINCE SHE WAS AWESOME LIKE THAT.

-o-

Next chapter is the last :(

So if there's anything you'd like to say, or any quotes you'd love to see in the last chapter, let me know. I can't believe it's almost time for this story to come to a close!

And also, give me suggestions on how it should end and who Sakura should end up with :P

HER FUTURE LAYS IN YOUR HANDS.

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