I can't believe he's gone.

My Charlie. My lovely Charlie.

And I'm left here, on this god forsaken earth with his baby. His son that will never know his father. His son that will never see his Daddys face. Will never be held by his strong, loving arms, or be taught to count to ten on his little fingers.

My beautiful Charlie. Tossed in some hole in the ground and for what? For saving his brothers life? For protecting the ones he held close?

But why didn't he tell me. I would do anything. Absolutly anything to just see him once more. See him and tell him how much I love him. Hold him in my arms and tell him everything would be okay, that he didn't have to fret.

But I can't turn back time. I can't go back to the first time we met. I can't stop myself falling in love with him. I wish I could. Maybe then he would still be alive. Maybe then my Charlie would still have a place on this earth.

Everytime I look down at my son, my baby, i feel sick. I want to take him outside and leave him under the tree. I don't want to have to touch him, have to stop him crying when all I want to do is scream. I don't want to see his face, Charlies face, everytime he has to be fed, or changed, or comforted.

Tommo says he will help me. He says he will help me get through all of this. He told me Charlie told him to act like little Tommos father, but I just want My Charlie. I don't want some replacement. I want the one person who I could trust, who loved me for who I am, for the person I was inside.

But life, as Tommo said, never goes as you'd like.

And I know that now.

I'm not going to get my happily ever after.