Disclaimer: The X-Men belong to Marvel and I am not making any money from this page.
Author's note: I'm never sure about how my humor fics turn out, so let me know what you think.
I picture Hank (Beast) as drawn by John Cassaday. I prefer that design over the one used in the show. To see a picture, go to Wikipedia and see the article on Beast.
When Wolverine (Logan) talks "Ya" means "You."
Warning: Mild profanity and mentions of prostitutes.
" . . . And something has got to be done about that Tabitha Smith girl," Logan growled. "She's a menace, chasing everybody around with those grenades she calls 'cheery bombs' or whatever."
Charles Xavier chuckled. "Rest assured Logan, I'm sure that the retreat Hank is planning will calm down the New Mutants. They don't intend anyone harm, they just have to much extra energy."
"I should put them through a couple dozen Danger Room scenarios, then we'll see who intends who harm," Logan said. He noticed Ororo glaring at him. "What?"
Hank cleared his throat. "There is an issue concerning one of the students that has captured my attention and I feel obligated to discuss it at our teachers' meeting."
"If it's about Kitty, she doesn't have ADHD," Logan said. "She just is that way. I'm not even sure why."
Hank raised an eyebrow, but was not deterred. "Actually, this isn't about Kitty. It's about Rogue."
"She doesn't have ADHD, either," Logan pointed out.
"While on the subject of Rogue, I would also like address several of my concerns." Ororo held up a single sheet of paper. "As our policy, I assigned the weekly essay last Friday. The topic was 'Who I am.' Rogue only wrote one sentence." She handed the piece of paper to Logan.
"'The reason the Xavier Institute should have a dress code?'" Logan read out loud, puzzled.
"That isn't even a sentence. That's a sentence fragment," Charles said. "And to think, she's the best English student we have."
"She's the best student we have. End of story." Ororo frowned at them all. "And we could actually congratulate Rogue about her academic feats if she wouldn't keep climbing out windows whenever one of us tried to talk to her."
Hank sighed. "This is exactly what I'm talking about. Rogue doesn't show up at meals on a regular basis. She comes and goes as she pleases, whether is be after curfew or out windows. She actively threatens others, and from what the New Mutants have told me, her behavior at Bayville High School isn't much better. And the way she dresses-my God, she looks like a backup dancer from a Def Leppard music video directed by Tim Burton!"
It was Logan's turn to sigh. "I feel like a pervert for even discussing this, but I understand what you're talking about. Seriously, if she ditched the those see-through shirts and those tight pants things-"
"Leggings?" Ororo offered sardonically.
"-she wouldn't be able to walk down the street without being picked up by some sleazy prick." Logan frowned. "Maybe Rogue has a point and we should make a dress code."
Ororo placed a palm to her temple, as if to allay an oncoming headache. "All the girls dress like that, to some degree. Jubilee, Tabitha, and Amara all wear very tight jeans and sometimes shirts, too. Rahne, Jean, Rogue and Kitty all wear short skirts and shorts when the opportunity arises. Every single one of them at least has three shirts that expose their midriff."
"So what are ya trying to say?" Logan asked.
"Rogue can't be the only one who pushes the limits of what's acceptable to wear!" Ororo pointed out. "Those shirts Kitty wears are just as expose just as much cleavage as Rogue's wardrobe does."
Logan grimaced. "Yeah, but Rogue's chest is significantly larger than Kitty's." He glared at Ororo. "I'm just as uncomfortable with this as ya are, 'Ro."
"I didn't imply that you weren't, Logan," Ororo said calmly. I'm just saying that it would be unfair to Rogue if we formed a dress code just because she's a goth."
"That's not the issue here!" Hank managed to restrain himself from rolling his eyes, but with great difficulty. "I just think that we need to impose some sort of boundary there's a level of propriety in her clothing!"
"Rogue should be allowed to express herself for who she is," Ororo informed him. "We shouldn't have to place boundaries on self-expression."
"Dressing like a prostitute is not a form of self-expression," Hank said coldly.
"She obviously takes some sort of twisted, malevolent pride in this," Logan said. "Or else she wouldn't have flaunted it right there on her essay."
"This brings us back to what I was talking about," Hank said. "I think she may need some guidance. Or at least, we should contact her parents and let them know, to check if this is unusual behavior for her."
Ororo, Charles, and Logan all looked mildly uncomfortable.
"Seriously?" Hank exclaimed. "None of you even know if she has parents?"
"I heard Drake telling Guthrie that the reason Rogue has such good grades is because her stepmother will send her to a military boarding school if her GPA slips below four-point-oh," Logan volunteered. "So there is at least one responsible adult in Rogue's household, wherever the hell it is."
"Such a responsible adult that she's willing to allow her stepdaughter to attend a boarding school without any records of medical history or emergency contact information?" Hank asked.
Logan scoffed. "Yeah, well, when ya put that way . . ."
"Rogue currently has a four-point-seven GPA, so that indicates Rogue does, in fact, want to remain at the Institute." Charles said. "Although I don't know how she manages to achieve a higher GPA than Jean."
"She's not preoccupied with boys, like Jean is," Logan suggested. "If Rogue is focused on anything, it's how to kick Kitty out of their room. Permanently."
Hank sighed. "All right, we'll have to do this manually. We'll take Rogue's birth name, cross-reference it on a few databases, and then examine the census papers of any potential results. It should be simple enough to-" Hank stopped at the guilty expressions of his three friends and colleagues. "Oh, come on! None of you even know her real name?"
"Perhaps 'Rogue' is Rogue's real name," suggested Charles.
"Maybe she's forgotten it," Logan shrugged.
Ororo rolled her eyes at him. "Only you would propose an idea so ludicrous, Logan." She turned her attention back to Hank. "As a teacher, Hank, surely you know how deeply teens value their privacy. To ask Rogue for information she doesn't wish to share with her would be an invasion of privacy."
"Well, what name does she use for school?" Hank looked from Charles to Ororo. "She doesn't go by 'Rogue' there as well, does she?"
"Never checked," Logan admitted.
Hank shook his head. "I can't help but wonder if she's acting out to get attention. This could be a cry for help."
"I can't even picture Rogue crying," Logan said. "Oh, don't worry, I know that's not really what ya meant," he told Hank, noticing how he had rolled his eyes. "And Rogue never really seems to be comfortable with attention."
Losing his patience, Hank turned to Charles. "What truly astounds me is that two responsible young adults such as Jean and Scott wouldn't be aware of Rogue's behavior and attempt to do something to either prevent or explain her self-destructive actions."
"To his credit, Summers has said that he wishes Rogue would change her attitude a few times," Logan told Hank. "And Jean and Rogue dislike each other intensely. But honestly, we never took sides in the matter, because we want Rogue to feel as if she has some place to be accepted. Let's face it, she's an albino, goth, brunette mutant. Life must be very hard for her."
"Rogue is not an albino," Hank said flatly.
The teachers' meeting was interrupted as the oak doors to the library flew open and Bobby Drake ran inside. "I just want you all to know that this is Rogue's fault, not mine."
"What, exactly, is Rogue's fault?" Ororo stood regally, then caught sight of the window. "Goddess!"
The pristine pool of the Xavier Institute had, at one time, been a state–of-the-art racing facility. Now, as the teachers of the Institute could see, it was overflowing with-
"Bubbles," Logan said grimly. He turned to Bobby. "Purple bubbles, to be really descriptive about it. Ya want to explain to me how the hell this happened?"
Bobby gulped, the blood draining from his face. "Rogue kind of-um-"
"Well, that's nice." Logan unsheathed the adamantium claws of one hand, and shifted his wrist, allowing the shiny metal to gleam in the light. He smiled at the expression on Bobby's face. "But kid, I think ya would be better off solving the problem instead of coming and crying to me about it. So go find Stripes, and get rid of the bubbles. Then both of ya can come to the Danger Room at five A.M. for the next two weeks. Just to make sure something like this doesn't happen ever again."
Bobby ran from the room, and Logan turned to Hank and clapped him on the shoulder.
"There, ya see?" Logan said genially. "That's how ya solve problems with these kids."
"Logan, assigning Rogue more strenuous workouts than usual will not help her overcome her issues!" Hank glared at him. "You can't honestly expect a few extra Danger Room sessions early in the morning to stop her self-destructive tendencies!"
"Ya know, I don't expect it to," Logan said. "But none of my threats work on that kid. She just glares at me and walks away. I figure that this way, she'll be too tired to vandalize someone's locker at her high school or help the Scarlet Witch cheat on math tests. I'm preventing her from being the delinquent she is- for now. Once those Danger Room scenarios are completed, she'll just go back to being a criminal. A criminal who dresses like a vampire hooker."
"Have you thought Rogue may not be a criminal if someone would just try to talk to her about her actions? If you tried to be there for her?" Hank asked, frustration in his tone.
Logan shrugged again. "She is what she is, Hank and that's not going to change anytime soon."
Ororo crossed her arms over her chest. "Logan, I must say that I resent your statements that Rogue is a criminal. We possess no evidence that suggests she has violated the law in any way."
"Except for the time she drove a car back from Louisiana without a license," Logan replied sarcastically. "If she hasn't broken the law, how do ya think she got so good at climbing in and out of windows? Sneaking to her boyfriend's house for midnight rendezvous? Rogue obviously was a thief at sometime, or else Mystique gave her stealth-training."
"Frankly," Ororo continued, ignoring Logan, "I think that Rogue has proven herself to be a strong, resourceful young woman. She needs her space, Hank. Even if she did have a problem, we should respect her right to privacy and wait for her to come to us."
"I agree with Ororo," Charles said. "We don't want to drive Rogue away by asking for information she doesn't wish to share. She is a strong person, but she's also dangerous. If she left the Institute, she would not only be a danger to herself, but to everyone around her, more than she is in her current condition. I'm sorry, Hank," he said sincerely, "But at the moment, there's nothing we can do."
Hank sighed. No one could say that he didn't try, at least.
The "stepmother" angle was never canon, it's just my explanation of Rogue's family situation. I plan to write more fics with my explanation of Rogue's family.
Logan's line about Rogue "helping the Scarlet Witch cheat on math tests" is from another one of my stories, "Irony."
To me, Rogue is almost but not quite a juvenile delinquent. In my stories, she is often climbing in from windows like a cat burglar and sneaking out after curfew. This story is my explanation for why no does anything about wants to help Rogue, but Ororo doesn't believe there's a problem with Rogue's behavior, Logan doesn't believe Rogue is capable of change so he doesn't do anything to solve the problem, and Charles is aware of her behavior but refuses to do anything about it in fear of driving her away."