EDITOR'S NOTE: It is strongly suggested that you read the fic "A Glass of Water" before you read this fic. Thank you - Taiki Matsuki


Mizuiro No Yuuki
Chapter I: My Decision (Matsuda Takato)


My parents are still upstairs in their room...I need to do this quick and hope no-one checks the register before I leave.

I press the code to unlock the register, 4979, and open the cash tray. I slip an envelope inside, addressed to my Mom...

...It's my coming out letter. After I heard my parents talk last night, about how my Mom suspected me as gay and, in the end, that they both not only accepted me but wanted me to tell them, just so I could feel at ease. So I didn't have to live a lie. So I could be who I was without any fear...

I still can't believe my Dad was so accepting of the idea. I always thought he'd be disappointed was a best case scenario. My worst case scenarios (which usually played out in my nightmares) were...very, very worst case.

I hear the sound of someone coming down the stairs, I close the register and hide out of sight...My Mom passes through the hall and goes into the kitchen. She's probably starting breakfast. I go upstairs to take a quick shower and get ready for school...

...Please, no-one look at that register before I leave. I know they accept me, I'm so happy that they do. But the fear I've had of them or anyone else knowing isn't going to go away overnight. Even though it...has to.

...If my parents suspected me, I think my friends probably do, too. The way Hirokazu didn't do his "check her out" routine when we were at the restaurant with the legendary waitress, the way he took my shrug in response to "Do you like her" with "I thought so" in...a playful tone. And, if he was just joking, then...Where did he...get the idea to joke that I was gay? Aside from Ruki, maybe.

There's also Juri...She's been asking me who my "mystery girlfriend" is, the "someone else" I told her about when I turned her down... ...Yesterday, something possessed me to jokingly say "Jen." She congratulated me. And, after a little embarrassment when I told her I was joking, we joked about what things would be like if...Jen and I were going out.

Also, again with Hirokazu...Well, he came up behind me while I was joking around with Juri about dating Jen. If...he heard anything, well...He didn't say anything when he gave me an invite to go to the ramen shop but, well, he didn't do his usual "check her out" thing when we were there at dinner. Even when we got the waitress he wouldn't stop talking about for so long. If he was being polite around her, that's one thing but...Not going on and on about her "great ass" after we left? That and his "I thought so" have me wondering...

Those two, I'm sure...they suspect or even know. Jen and Kenta...I don't think so. There's only one thing that scares me more than my parents knowing (before)... Jen knowing.

I've...liked Jen-No, I don't like Jen. I'm not...going to "like" Jen anymore. I love Jen. I...I always tone it down in my head, "I like Jen a lot." No, I love Jen. I guess...I don't want to sound "too gay" even in my own thoughts. Last night was the first time I ever said "I love Jen" to myself and...I'm not going to stop. I've loved Jen for...so long now, I've known for sure it was love for a year but...

...Looking back, it's obvious I liked him as more than a friend before I started to worry that I might be gay. And after it became a scarier and scarier reality that I was, in fact, gay it was also a reality that I loved Jenrya Li. He's been my best friend since the fifth grade and now we're in our second year of high school and I wish so much that he could be more than my best friend...

...But I doubt it will work out that way for me. I just hope he accepts me and doesn't hate me...That's my biggest fear: Jen never speaking to me again. Jen hating me...because of something I had no control over.

I-I have a nightmare, actually, of just that scenario. I get it now and then, ever since I realized I was in love with Jen...I would confess to Jen and, at first I would think he'd like me back but it ends, always, with him hating me, telling me how disgusting and wrong I am and swearing to never speak to me again...

...I've woken up crying a few times. My Dad once woke me up from it because he could hear me crying from the hallway. I-I just know telling Jen is going to be the hardest in all of this. Harder than I can imagine and my nightmare does a pretty good job at telling me how hard it's going to be. I-I sometimes have dreams where we're together, but...That nightmare occurs more often...I don't know why. I'm almost afraid it's a warning from the Gods or something...

...Why am I even doing this? It's one thing for me to know my parents will accept me, but why am I coming out to everyone today? Ever since I realized I was attracted to other guys, I was terrified of the idea of someone even joking that I was gay! And, of such jokes, Ruki is the queen and has taken at least five years off my life with them, especially the time she called Jen my boyfriend in front of everyone and most of our parents. Just that little joke scared me so much, in case people started to suspect things from it. It was enough to make me not even want to acknowledge it to myself! I-I almost convince myself that I'm not gay sometimes! I-I really do!

Again, why am I doing this?

...Because I'm tired. I-I'm tired of being afraid, of living a lie, of being depressed, of...Of everything! What my Mom said last night, about what she read on the gay teen help website, is so true...It's so hard to live like this, I don't like having to join in with Hirokazu whenever he and Kenta go on and on about some hot girl, to have to make it look like I'm not staring at a guy like they stare at girls, to have to put on a show for everyone, to be afraid of being suspected as...gay.

...I don't want people to suspect that I'm gay anymore, I want them to know that I'm gay...I want them to deal with it for a change!

I-I'm...getting a little too worked up about this...It's...not going be anything like that. Not even close.

W-We'll...see how it goes, though...I mean, it's one thing to say "I'm going to tell the world I'm gay" and another to actually try to tell one person... ...It's...taking a lot of will power to not run downstairs and get that letter back. And I know my parents want me to be happy and who I am...I-I hope my friends...can want the same for me.


My Mom's looking through the newspaper, I think she's...looking for an article on gays or something for her to talk about and show her support. It was one of their ideas from last night, to hint at things being okay...So I could come out to them when I was ready...Like, after I go to school and Mom opens the bakery.

They won't ask me directly, they know it would upset me. I really don't like awkward conversations with my parents. Especially about things like this! I-I just...It's not something I like sharing unless I have to. "The talk" with my Dad was a good example of that...

...If there was one single, defining "this is why Takato Matsuda is gay" moment of my life: That would be it. Well, if it did work that way, it wouldn't have "made me" any "gayer". I...I had been worried I was attracted to other guys for at least a year before "the talk." But...Ugh...That conversation was... ...not fun for anyone involved. I-I...I had trouble looking at him for a while...

Once breakfast is done, I get my books together for school...I hear my Mom say, "I'm going to go open the bakery" to my Dad.

...Time to go! "Bye, Mom! Bye, Dad! See you later!" I hurry out, I don't even hear their responses. If it were up to me, I'd be at school before my Mom was even in the same room as that letter...But it's not like they'd run after me if they started reading it right now. And...I know they support me but...One night doesn't remedy so many years of being afraid...

...But, again, it'll have to. I see Kenta crossing the street ahead of me, to get to the park to cut across. Just like when we were in primary school, same general short cut just a different direction...

"Kenta!" I wave.

...This is it...


Original Author's (AKA Ori's) Notes:
Remember when I said I might do some follow ups to A Glass of Water?

Well, I got my RA meds refilled the day A Glass of Water went up and because of those meds loves me oh-so-much I got insomnia and... ...Yeah, this is another insomnia induced fic. So, this can go either way... Pretty much all of it was written out over a night, save for edits and some revisions after I came to.

Originally, this was all just written for fun. I wasn't planning on letting it go up. Ever. But I sent a preview to Twerp-chan and...He really, really wanted this fic to go up. So...I hope this thing is actually good more than I usually do, since I can't believe I agreed to let him post this one. I'm sorry if this isn't as good as the others! I apologize in advance!

I'm always a little more worried about insomnia fics since...Let's just say there's the ones that Taiki puts up and then there's the ones that don't see the light of day. The latter don't see the light of a day for a reason. I can get some...really, really weird ideas at times. Never be afraid to tell me if any of these are (or just ANYTHING I write is) bad, please! It's the ONLY way I'll learn!

Basically, I wanted to cover Takato's journey out of the closet that "A Glass of Water" skipped over. Coming out stories are my absolute favorite when it comes to slash and, really, I was just writing this for fun and to get it out of my system. And...I just don't know about this...

On a final note: The title means "Water Colored Courage" or "Courage The Color of Water." Weird, huh? I blame the insomnia. The logic is that the original fic had "Water" in the title and I wanted to keep the theme going... ...So, yeah... Take that as a sign of things to come...

I really hope you enjoy this one...

Oh, and of course: Happy New Year, everyone!


Taiki's Notes:

Honestly, Ori is not joking about insomnia and fics like this. I've seen him online in "insomnia mode" and he is incredibly focused on what he's writing. Or if it's gone on long enough he's still incredibly focused but also so out of it and close to passing out face first on his keyboard that I usually mistake him for drunk.

I would thank him for writing so many Jenkatos when in this state, but I don't want to even remotely imply that I don't care about his health or sanity! I really do care about the former but I often question the existence of the latter.

Regarding this story, Ori sent me a preview of a later chapter and I told him I wanted to see this fic go up so very much. So, to appease Ori and his usual concern over the quality of his work I say this:

I, Taiki Matsuki, begged Ori to allow me to post this fic, Mizuiro No Yuuki, against his better judgment. I will accept full blame if this is not "all that good" compared to Ori's usual works. Please, address all complaints to Taiki Matsuki. All praise is to go to Ori because he really needs to work on his self-esteem as a writer. Thank you very much!

And one final and important milestone note: As of this upload, this account has archived over 300,000 words! Go Ori! Go Jenkato! Go Digimon Humor and Slash! 300,000 words! We got there before 2011, too! Happy New Year, everyone!

-Taiki Matsuki