Summary: This is a multi-POV story from my 'Not My Sammy' series, written shortly after the end of Fears & Dreams. It's New's Years Eve so what type of choices or resolutions will the Winchester brothers be making for 2011?
Disclaimer: I don't own the boys. Just using them for a brief moment.
Rating: Should be general since there's no violence, gore, or mayhem. Maybe just a little cussing since Bobby and Dean wouldn't be normal without a few bad words.
Tags: None specifically though there may be mention of previous events.
A/N: I'm honestly not sure if you have to read the others in this series as I try to make them not too hard to follow.
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Resolutions. I used to make them years ago and Jess always insisted we make a list of them but it's been awhile since I bothered with them. I mean, after the fire, Jess dying, finding out everything I did well it seemed a little moot to bother with resolutions for the New Year.
Between Dean going to Hell…for me (yes, I do still brood on that) to the whole demon blood/Ruby mess to setting Lucifer free and starting the Apocalypse to sacrificing myself in what I thought was a great plan to relock up the Devil…making little resolutions just didn't seem important.
A year…this past one…I don't have the greatest memories of this past year so I'll be thrilled when midnight comes and a new one starts. Between remembering the events in Stull where Lucifer used my body to beat the hell outta my brother. To dragging both Lucifer and Michael into the Cage with me for however long that was until Gabriel yanked me out to having my life stolen for a year by a damn shapeshifter working for a man who should've been my grandfather…yeah, I'm ready for a new year.
A noise from the kitchen makes me jump and I have to remind myself that it's just Bobby…doing whatever it is Bobby does on New Year's Eve since he's banished both me and Dean from the room. I've been jumpy since fully waking up from that last mess just a couple weeks ago. Though, I guess considering I had to put up with images of my dead girlfriend, memories that I didn't want, and finding out why Samuel wanted me and my brother dead, not to mention I died again, I suppose being a little jumpy can be excused.
I'm in the library right now trying to figure out if I even have any resolutions. Boo, the puppy that Bobby found, is chewing something that looks faintly like one of Dean's boots and…Dean is…I'm not sure where my brother is, which is weird since he's once again in hyper-manic protective mode.
He had eased off that until this happened and I can understand it. I mean, I know how hard that place, those images were for me so I can imagine what Dean saw. He's not open with that which tells me he saw things that he wants to protect me from.
We both came out this hurt. Bobby gripes about Winchester stubbornness but I'm more at ease letting Dean dress the wounds this time even though I know afterwards he goes out to far end of the junkyard and beats on cars. I don't mention it since I know it's his way of handling the anger that he can't get rid of any other way and at least he's here.
I'm still fighting the dreams and fears but I like to think that I'm better at it now. I know that Dean isn't leaving and that he'll be right here if I need him…hell, he's usually not two steps away now which is probably for the best since I'm still uneasy if I can't see him or know he's close. It'll be a long while before I get past that.
Dean's handled a lot since I've come back and I know he blames himself but this was just something that would've happened eventually. I wish I'd been able to tell Dean about my fears over Samuel but I didn't so now we cope. He's hovering over me again and I know it's pushing his big brother instincts to not lock me in the bedroom again but he knows that the only way I'll get strong again, get past the aftereffects of the drugs is to move around. Though the other day when I fell, I thought Bobby was going to knock him out before he stopped being manic about resting.
The nightmares are the worst. Even though I've told Dean a lot about things, I still have them and I suppose that's normal too since I was always prone to bad dreams. I've never once had one that Dean's not there before I wake up fully which makes me wonder if he's sleeping at all or staying awake in case I need him. I know after Lawrence and the 'shifter that he'd stay awake until he was certain I was safe. I'll have to broach that carefully but that brings me back to now.
New Year's Eve. Bobby's doing something and Dean's been gone since this afternoon, but not before telling me not to move from this spot, so I've been thinking about resolutions. I've been thinking about my life and the changes in it and since seeing my Mom in that image, I've been thinking a lot about my Dad.
I know Dean doesn't blames me for what happened between him and Dad but I still blames myself which is why I'll never tell Dean about the fights that Dad and I had when he wasn't around. Dean took on took much responsibility for me and I never understood all of that until recently. I know he protected me from Dad as much as he could but it was only recently that I've also come to understand that Dad and I were a lot alike…damn, that's scary. We both put my brother in the middle of something he couldn't contain. Dean loved us both and in the end he almost lost us both. I can't give him Dad back, I can't make up for the years of bitterness but I can give him something…I can maybe, finally, give him the little brother that he's been missing.
Writing 'be a better brother' on the paper looks stupid but it's what I hope to be. Dean's given up so much for me over the years and even though I know I should feel bad that he's not going back to Lisa, to a normal life, I can't feel that since I don't think I could do this without my brother.
The next thing I write is also the most important to both of us. I know that Dean wants me to have the leather jacket. After he saved me from the 'shifter, that jacket and his amulet were the two things besides my brother that pulled me through it. I still reach for it when I'm on edge and not once can I recall that it hasn't been readily available for just that purpose…in fact, I know if I look now it'll be over on the sofa seat even though I'd seen him wearing it this morning.
He'd given it to me around Thanksgiving but after waking up this time, after going through what I have I gave it back because I don't deserve it. That's what I want Dean to understand. It's not that I don't want the jacket because while it gives me a sense of security when he's not around it's also something else…it's tradition.
The jacket had been Dad's before it was Dean's so there's a matter of earning it and that's what I want. After everything I've done in my life, I want to be able to finally say that I earned the right to way that jacket. That I've made my brother proud of me and that's my biggest resolution. To have earned both the jacket and Dean's respect before this time next year.
"Hey, where'd that brother of yours get to?" Bobby was standing in the door covered in flour which again makes me worry since every time he tries to cook we end up at the diner in town.
I'm about to say that I don't know when I hear the familiar rumble of what is still the only home I've ever really known or wanted if I'm honest. "Guess we'll find out," I tell Bobby, whistling for Boo to drop the boot and chuckle when the puppy tears out of the room barking even though I know he'll scamper back when he sees it's just Dean.
"Take a coat or he'll banish your butt back inside!" Bobby yells but I'm already stepping out the door to see the Impala already parked and my brother getting out while trying to juggle two store bags, a large carton and not drop everything as Boo decides to play tug of war with his jeans.
I'm about to call the pup back when I hear my brother's laugh. Even though Dean's a bit more free with his emotions these days it's still rare for me to hear his full laugh. Normally it's a chuckle or a snort but it's rare for him to laugh fully these days with an honest smile.
"Sammy, call this mutt you call a ferocious guard dog offa me and then get your ass back inside until you get a damn jacket on!" he shouts at me without even glance at me which means he's in full big brother mode.
I call Boo back who happily goes to retrieve his newest toy, which I seriously hope is not one of Dean's new boots, and am reaching for a jacket when my brother enters the house with only the bags. "What's in the box?" I ask, figuring that if he left it outside he either didn't want Bobby to see it or he's up to something else.
"Mind your own business, geek-boy," he replies happily which makes me more than curious.
Dean happy after going to the store? Nah, he's up to something but before I can step out to find the box I feel his hand on my arm. "Where've you been and what's in the box Dean?" alright, I admit it. I hate mysteries and I hate it when my brother intentionally keeps things a secret like this…and he knows I hate it so that makes him worse.
"You have to wait until tonight to find out, Sammy," he tells me, pushing the door shut before I can open it and nudges me back toward the library. "Bobby says you've been up too long so take that mutt upstairs for a little while and try to sleep. I have to do something outside."
Wondering if he wants me upstairs to sleep for my own good or so I don't snoop into whatever he's planning, I stall a little. "I can help," I offer, knowing the reply even before I get the typical Dean smirk.
"Sammy, I barely let you change the Impala's oil when it's warm outside much less when it's below freezing, still snowing, and you can hardly stay awake now," he responds, choosing to just accept the library as a halfway point. When he sits next to me of the sofa seat by the window and I can tell by the way he shifts that he's come to some kind of decision.
"I was thinking in a couple days maybe we'd hit the road…if you feel like it," he says and I know that he's leaving this up to me.
I've known that Dean has wanted to be back hunting for awhile now but has stuck it out at Bobby's only so I could get stronger, get more at ease again. I know that if I hedged or seemed the least bit ill at ease about going back to hunting now he'd move us in here fully but that's now what I want.
I accepted that we needed to stay in one place for the first few months after he found me but that was only because I wasn't in the shape to be moving much less hunting. Now, despite the new traumas, I feel ready to be back on the road with Dean. I feel ready to finally do what we're supposed to be doing…carrying on the family business.
"Yeah," I reply after a second, meeting his eyes to see his concern. "That's fine but you'd better salt and burn these decorations like you promised Bobby first."
"Smart ass," he grins and I feel the absent squeeze of his hand on my neck before he heads back outside to do whatever it is he's sneaking around doing.
I could find out, I know that but it's pretty clear that whatever Dean's doing he wants it to be a surprise so as I decide to try to close my eyes on the sofa seat for a little while, I picture the coming months. I make a silent promise to make sure they're better than the last year and that Dean and I can do the things that Dad wanted us to. Hunt evil sons of bitches before they hurt others…and get the hell out of Bobby's hair before he kills my brother or…
"There ain't no way in hell you're doing that, ya flamin' idjit!" Bobby's shout warns me that whatever Dean's up to…it probably won't end well…for Bobby.
So I have three resolutions to start with: #1-Be a better brother, #2- Earn the right to wear Dean's jacket and #3…keep Bobby from killing Dean.
The third one might be hard.