Tales of Evangelion

Chapter 1

This Chapter is Very Inappropriate

Asuka Langly Soryu, child prodigy, master of six languages, holder of several university degrees at Master level, genius pilot of Evangelion Unit 02, and all around superbitch, could find any words to express her complete and utter confusion at the sight of a boy, probably three years older than herself, dressed in a pirate outfit, swinging two wooden swords around with reckless abandon, shouting, "Argh, me hearties!" In the end, she settled on an English word, one who's literal meaning didn't quite translate over into either Japanese or German, but still managed to convey her emotions quite well. And for that she thanked the Americans.

"The fuck?"

Standing to one side were the boy's friends, she guessed: a medium-height blond dressed in strange purplish clothes with a sword scabbard strapped behind his waist. The other was short, probably around eleven or twelve, with silver hair, and even stranger bluish clothes; they looked more like pajamas than clothes. The young one was shaking his head while the blond tried desperately to get the pirate down from the railing he had since climbed up on.

Her bravado shattered, Asuka coughed awkwardly. All three boys looked her way. Desperately, she grasped for her confidence. "Um…Wh-Which one of you in the First Child?" She placed her fists on her hips and took a confident stance that she hoped would intimidate the three boys. It worked on the blond, at least. The silver-haired youth wore this expression that said "Look lady, I deal with this these idiots every day. You'll have to do better than that." He shook his head, no. That only left the wimpy blond and the pirate.

Gott in Heimel she hoped in was the wimpy blond.

No such luck. The pirate kid hopped down from the railing, spun the wooden swords around and replaced them into the scabbards he wore on each hip. With a ridiculously goofy grin, he said, "That'd be me. Give me your name and shall give you mine."

"I'm the great Asuka Langly Soryu, pilot of Evangelion Unit 02."

"Sweet. Lloyd Irving. Pilot of Unit 01."

Fuck, she swore again.

Silence. "Hey, don't be rude, guys," he called to the others.

"E-Emil," the blonde squeaked out. "Emil C-Castagnier."

"Genis Sage," the boy said, looking way with disinterest.

Asuka's eyes widened. "Genis Sage. As in 'related to Raine Sage'?"

Genis cleaned his pointed ear with his pinky. "Yeah, something like that."

Excitement overcame her and she became a little girl excited for Christmas, or waiting to see Britney Spears live. Girls still like her, right? No? Fine. Miley Cyrus. Yeah, like a 13 year-old girl waiting to see her. No, wait, she smokes salvia now, right? Hm. Justin Beiber then. Raine Sage was the world's leading expert on artificial intelligence and daughter of the creator of the Evangelions. To meet her would be a dream come true. "Can you take me to see her?"

Genis gave Asuka a single, judgmental glance before walking away. "No."

Crushed, Asuka devolved into her default emotion: anger. "Fine, dummkopf! I didn't even want to meet your stupid mother – er, sister – whatever! Gah! Baka shonen."

Behind her, Emil offered, "Don't mind him. He gets like that whenever people bring up his sister."

Then she uttered a phrase that would undoubtedly become something of a catchphrase of hers for the foreseeable future. "Shut up, Emil."

"Ok," he said and ducked off to follow Genis as he explored the supercarrier, Over the Rainbow.

And then there were two. Very slowly, Asuka turned to face pirate Lloyd. For some reason, her anger only multiplied at the sight of him. Maybe it was his cheerful demeanor. Maybe it was the fact the he was dressed like a goddamned pirate. But maybe it was the fact that he, with no prior experience, training, or common sense, had managed to kill three Angels. Whatever the reason was, Asuka had to fight a very powerful urge to choke him.

"So," he said. "Looks like we'll be working together, huh?"

Biting back her anger, Asuka tried to act civil. "Yes. I suppose we are." She couldn't think of anything else to say.

"So. Do you know how to use a sword?"

What a stupid question. "No, of course not. Do you?" She already knew the answer, but was doing her best to engage him in polite conversation.

He grinned even wider. "Nope."

Not the answer she was expecting. Her eyes fell to the two wooden swords at his belt. "But you have two with you. Weren't you swinging them around earlier?"

"Well, nobody taught me."

"So you just picked up two sticks are started swinging them around?"

"Hey, how'd you guess?"

Asuka sighed. "Luck." Sarcasm dripped from her voice, but she suspected Lloyd didn't even notice. Then she had an idea, one that would appeal to Lloyd and help her work off her anger at the same time. Leaning against the cabin wall was a mop in a bucket of water. "Well then, since we have about the same level of skill," she snapped the mop off the handle, "why don't he have a little sparring match?"

"What really? Awesome!"

Asuka twirled the wooden handle in her hands (seriously, who uses wooden mops anymore?) before finding a stance and grip. She was mostly going off what she had seen in movies and read in books. Lloyd, on the other hand, just stood there, swords in hand, lacking any sort of discipline whatsoever.

"Really."

Lloyd charged and swung. Asuka easily sidestepped and whacked him on the arm. It helped, not a lot, but enough.

"Ow. Hey, you're pretty good."

Asuka grinned ferociously. "You haven't even seen the half of it."


"Well, well, well, if it isn't my sweet, sumptuous ninja girl, Sheena Fujibayashi!"

For Sheena, the appearance of Zelos Wilder was like something out of her worst nightmares. For Zelos, finding Sheena was like something out of a sex dream. A really, really good sex dream. For everyone else on the bridge of the supercarrier, saying it was extremely awkward did not even begin to describe the situation.

Folding her arms under her breasts, Sheena scowled. "So you're the one they stuck Asuka with, huh? Jeez. Are they that desperate? I'm surprised the young lady is in one piece."

"You make it sound as if I'm some sort of sex fiend. I'm not a child molester, you know. I'm…uh…" He trailed off. It took Sheena a moment before she realized he was staring at her chest.

"Hey. Eyes up here, idiot."

His head snapped up and he continued right on with his thought. "Right. I'm not a child molester, Sheena. Even if I wanted to, Asuka could kick my ass into next week." The last he muttered under his breath.

Sheena, however, was a ninja. "What was that?"

"Nothing. Nothing."

To say that the two of them were out of place among the military men was yet another understatement. One of them was slender with long, silky red hair kept off the forehead by a headband, dressed in a pink tunic with lose white pants. The girl, on the other hand, was dressed in a tight-fitting tunic and pants, with a pink ribbon tied into a bow at the back, with black hair tied back in a poof.

"Just so you know: I wouldn't have picked you to take care of Asuka."

"Well, you're one to talk. What's this I hear about Lloyd living with you?"

Sheena turned beat red. "It – It's not like that!"

"Not like what, my dear? All I said was that he was living with you. I never implied that he might be, I don't know, sleeping with you."

The entire bridge fell silent. Well, more silent. And they all turned to stare at Sheena. Even the captain, keeping one hand on the wheel, looked back. "I'm sorry, what now?"

"Zelos! You! Argh!" She stormed passed him and out onto the deck. Zelos followed with a wink at the rest of the crew. A text box appeared as he closed the door behind him.

Zelos joined the party!

The captain drummed his fingers on the wheel. "I can't believe my ship has been overrun by circus clowns. And these clowns are supposed to save the world." He sighed. "I'm putting my money on the Angels. Anybody else with me?"


"Uh, um, Genis? Where are we going?" Emil had followed the half-elf without really paying attention to where they were going. Now he was sufficiently lost and couldn't have found his way back if he had wanted to.

"What does it look like we're doing?" As if it was obvious.

"Well, it just seems like we're wandering aimlessly through the bowels of the ship, if you want the truth."

"That's exactly correct."

"Um…what?"

"Lloyd and I have gotten through a lot of dungeon levels by just wandering aimlessly for hours until we found the exit. Not the most efficient way to do things, but the easiest. It's what I get for letting Lloyd lead."

Still Emil was lost. "Wait, um, dungeons, what?"

"The Eva, Emil! We're going to find where they keep Eva 02!"

"Really? Why?"

"Because. I've only seen 00 and 01. They're only the prototype and test type. I haven't ever seen a production model yet. Supposedly, Unit 02 is the first designed specifically for combat and I want to know exactly what that means."

"Oh, ok then." A few minutes later, Emil asked again, "So um, where are we going?"

"They'd keep the Eva some place big and open. Remember, the robot thing is as big as a skyscraper in Tokyo-3."

"That's weird. I've seen Unit 01 look bigger than the buildings sometimes."

Genis waved his hand dismissively. "You're just looking at it from the wrong angle."

Skeptically, Emil said, "I don't think that's how perspective works."

"Unit 02 would be kept in something big and open, Emil. Look for that." They continued down corridors at random. Not once did they reach a dead end. Emil became increasingly worried that they would never find their way out.

"Do you mean like that big tarp on deck?"

Genis halted so quickly that Emil fell over him. "What did you say?"

"Ow. Um. On the deck of the ship there was a big tarp draped over something. Now that I think about it, it's about the right size for an Evangelion?" Emil look up and slight to the right, lost in remembrance. "Yeah, you know what? I'm pretty sure that's where the Eva is. I think I even saw a foot of something."

Despite his small size, Genis reached up and grabbed Emil by the collars, pulling him to his eye level. "Why didn't you tell me this before? You could have saved us hours of walking!"

"Um, have we really been walking for hours?"

Genis tapped him on the side of the head. "Irrelevant. Answer the question."

"Um, because I didn't know you were looking for it? Because I was fairly certain it was just sitting in the middle of everything? Um…that's it." Genis had a look in his eyes that reminded Emil of Raine. Being a person who valued his life, Emil held his tongue.

"Grr. Fine. Come on; let's go back up to see it!"

"Which way is, um, the deck?"

"Easy. We just go back the way we came."

"Which way is that?"

Genis looked around. They were standing right in the middle of a four-way intersection.

"Sonuvabitch."

By some twist of fate or luck or something, Lloyd chose that moment to come barreling down the corridor. It started as a low rattling, then a distant cry for help. By the time Genis and Emil recognized it has Lloyd's voice, he was already halfway down the hall.

Emil spoke first. "Huh? What's Lloyd doing here? How did he find us?"

"Genis! Emil! Help me, she's crazy!"

"Who's crazy?"

Then they noticed that Lloyd didn't have either of his swords; his scabbards hung uselessly at his belt. He bolted past them without further explanation. They watched him go for a moment before hearing a second voice.

"Come back here, Lloyd Irving, so I can kick your ass!"

"How did she get his swords?"

Genis shrugged. "Knowing Lloyd, it probably wasn't very difficult."

"Hey! You two! Start running!"

"What did we do?"

"You're friends with the boob!"

Genis stood his ground and folded his arms. "I wouldn't consider myself his friend, merely a - "

But Emil had grabbed him by the collar and yanked him away. "Didn't you hear her? She's going to kill us!"

They rapidly caught up to Lloyd, who had slowed to catch his breath. Upon seeing them, he started sprinting again. "Lloyd, you idiot!" Genis shouted. "What did you do?"

"I didn't do anything!"

"Well, she's pissed at you for something!"

"I think she's just always like that!"

"Stop talking about it," Emil scolded, "and keep running!"


"Will you stop following me! Jeez, you're worse than Kuchinawa." Sheena's anger had quickly subsided, blown away by the gentle breeze and rocking of the ship. It was a good thing Raine had decided not to come; she wouldn't have left the railing.

"What's that? Does my voluptuous beauty have a stalker that isn't me?" Zelos hadn't fallen more than a few steps behind as Sheena tried in vain to shake her pursuer. Eventually, she simply gave up and strolled along. He couldn't chase if she didn't run, right? Right?

"Nah, he's just some guy. How long are you staying?"

"Really, I'm just here to drop Asuka off. I've got some business elsewhere."

"Business? That's awfully shady. Aren't I supposed to be the sneaky ninja here?"

"What you?" he scoffed. "More like clumsy ninja."

"Hey!" She shoved him lightly. "I've grown out of that – woah!" She chose that moment to slip and fall on her ass. Zelos didn't move to help her up. He simply looked on away.

"You okay?"

"Nothing happened!" Sheena quickly got to her feet and pretended nothing happened.

"Riiiight." He took advantage of the situation to admire her figure again. He didn't do it discreetly, mind you. He simply stood there and stared. Hard.

"Hey, eyes up here."

"Yes they are," he replied without looking up.

Agitated, Sheen walked away, giving him an excellent view of her rear. "Whatever. Hey, where did the kids go?"

"Kids? What kids?"

With practiced swiftness, Sheena whirled and landed a solid smack on his cheek. He barely flinched, having endured his fair share and then some. "The kids, stupid. Lloyd, Genis, Emil, and Asuka."

"Oh, um." He glanced around, seeing nothing but a few crew members, a large, Evangelion-sized load covered by a white tarp, and a couple VTOLs. "I guess they're off…play...ing…some…where…?"

Together they sighed. "We'd make terrible parents, wouldn't we?" Sheena asked.

"Is that an invitation?"

"What? No!"

Shouts could suddenly be heard from the far end of the deck. The crewmen scrambled out of the way of the children. "Found them," Zelos deadpanned.

"Is that Asuka chasing them?" Sheena squinted and used a hand to block the sunlight.

"Looks like it. Are those Lloyd's swords? How did she get them?"

"Knowing Lloyd, it probably wasn't too hard," she shrugged. Two times that question went without an answer. And so it shall forever.

Sheena and Zelos were resting at the far end of the deck, leaning against the railing. Lloyd, Emil, and Genis ran right for them, but by the time that they had crossed half the deck, they were barely shuffling along. Asuka raised one wooden sword and waved it uselessly. "Come…come back here you three…so – so I can…kick…your…asses."

When Lloyd finally reached Sheena, he collapsed at her feet, breathing heavily. Genis and Emil managed to drag themselves along and sit down properly. Asuka, meanwhile, staggered forward, swinging the swords, cursing in English, German, Russian, French, and Japanese.

Sheena leaned over Lloyd with a smile. "So I take it you kids had a fun time?"

No one answered her. For a moment, Sheena reveled in the silence. Then it was broken in the most obvious manner imaginable. Zelos turned to look out over the ocean. Something had caught his eye. "What's that out there?"

Without even turning, Sheena knew exactly what it was. She didn't want to turn around for fear that it was indeed what she thought it was. Maybe, if she wished really, super, extra hard, it would go away, and they could all get back to the city without incident.

Unfortunately for her, narratives don't work that way. The Angel was out there, swimming, stalking, waiting. Just like every guy she'd ever dated. Resignedly, she kicked Lloyd. "Get up you, we've got an Angel on our hands."

It was like someone had flipped a switch. Both Lloyd and Asuka jumped to their feet.

"Yes!" Lloyd pumped a fist into the air. "This is going to be fun!"

"What are you talking about, idiot? You don't have an Eva; I do. I'll be the one to kill this Angel."

"Not if I get there first!" Lloyd took off running.

"Wait, what?" Asuka spun and hurled the wooden swords at Lloyd. One clonked him right in the head and the other careened into the backs of his knees, causing his legs to buckle. "There's no way in hell you're touching my Eva!"

She rushed off to find her Plug Suit. Lloyd scrambled after her. "But I wanna see!"

Sheena and Zelos watched the scene impassively.

"Was he dressed as a pirate when you guys got here?" Zelos asked.

"No. In fact, he wasn't dressed as a pirate the last time I saw him."

"When was that?"

"Right before I went up to the bridge."

"Huh. Wasn't that, like, literally, a minute before he met Asuka?"

"Yeah…"


Lloyd tugged at the tight-fitting Plug Suit. It was designed with a female in mind, so it had a small waist and space for breasts. Because it was fire-engine red, Lloyd couldn't bring himself to hate it. But the weird thing was, he filled it out rather well, which drew a raised eyebrow from Asuka when she finally saw him.

"I don't see why I have to wear this stupid thing."

"You wanted a front-row seat, didn't you? Then shut up and follow me."

"Where are we going, anyway?"

"Ugh. To Eva 02, dummkopf!"

Lloyd frowned at her strange word. "Why do I get the feeling that you're insulting me in a language I don't understand?"

"Hm. You're more perceptive than I thought, I think."

Lloyd shifted in the suit again. "Is it weird that this thing fits almost as good as my own?"

"Yes," she replied without missing a beat. "Now hurry up, or we're all going to die." They had changed in a stairwell, gotten lost, and were now just finding the door to the deck again.

"Do we have to go outside?"

"Yes." She seized him by the shoulder and shoved him out into the sunlight. "Don't worry; we'll sneak over to the Eva and no one will notice you in the Plug Suit."

"Really?"

"No. Hey everyone! Look at Lloyd!" She took off running leaving Lloyd at the center of everyone's looks (and I mean everyone; even the captain took his hands off the wheel to see what the she-devil was yelling about).

"Wait who is that?" "Hey, it's that stupid pirate kid!" "Is he wearing a girl's suit?" "Oh, god, I think he is." "He actually looks good in it." "Dude…" "What?" "Come on, really?" "Shut up! Don't judge me."


Sheena sighed for, what, the fifth or sixth time that day? "The sad thing is Zelos, he really does look good in Asuka's suit."

"Wait, that's Lloyd? Oh my god." A horrified expression crossed his face.

Sheena looked sideways at him. "What's with you?"

"Nothing…I just need a moment to sort out my emotions."

"Oooookay." She took another step away.


Lloyd managed to catch up to Asuka as she was climbing into the entry plug. "That wasn't nice, you know."

Through her laughter, she said, "No. It was funny, though." Together they climbed into the plug, which was partially filled with LCL.

"Hey, Asuka, how is it that you were able to eject the – "

"Don't ask questions, idiot!" She seated herself at the controls. "Hang on and mind your hands." She ran through the startup procedure, which culminated in charging the LCL, turning it clear and allowing them to see though the Eva's eyes.

"Let's go!"


Genis watched another aircraft carrier be pulled under water. "That's three. You know, I kind of expected the United Nation Pacific Fleet to, you know, actually put up a fight against an Angel. Not beat it, of course, but, not get their ass handed to them."

Zelos shrugged. "Yeah, you'd think, but what'ya gonna do."

"Um, isn't anyone actually worried?" Emil looked around at the others.

"Worried about what?" Sheena asked. She had procured a lounge chair and was laying down in it, a pair of big sunglasses over her eyes, and an old Japanese fan blowing a breeze on her face. "Does anyone have any sunscreen? Not you, Zelos." He put down his hand. She accepted a bottle from a sailor and began dabbing it over her face.

"The Angel!"

"Nah. Lloyd and Asuka are on the job; I'm sure it will be fine."

Genis turned slightly and fixed a skeptical glance on the ninja. "Did you hear what you just said?"

"Nope, and I'd appreciate it if you didn't repeat it back to me."


Evangelion Unit 02 activated and jumped high into the air, taking the white tarp with it. It landed on top of the neighboring carrier, holding the tarp around it like a cape. Sensing the Eva's activation, the Angel leaped from the sea, a great manta-shape, and descended on the ship, taking it under. Asuka leaped away just in time and landed on another ship, nearly taking it down.

"Ooh!" Lloyd exclaimed. "Let me try!" He reached for the controls and managed to take hold of one. He and Asuka struggled for a moment, nearly causing Unit 02 to fall into the sea.

"Hands off my Eva!" That delay was just long enough for the Angel to find them again and drag an eighth carrier under.

Landing this time on a carrier that had a power source for the Eva, Asuka took a moment to analyze the situation. The radio buzzed to life and Sheena's voice filled the cockpit. "Lloyd, Asuka, can you hear me?"

"Yes, ma'am," Asuka answered dutifully.

"Hi, Sheena!" Lloyd shouted.

"…Hello, Lloyd. Look, according to Dr. Sage, your current equipment doesn't really work under water, so you'll have to – " her next few words were muffled. "Ah, sorry about that; I yawned."

"What?" Asuka growled. "Can't anyone take this seriously?"

"I know, right," she heard Emil say in the background.

"What I was going to say, Asuka, was that you two will have to figure some way of fighting the Angel from above the water. You've already neutralized its A.T. Field, so you actually can hurt it with conventional weapons."

"That's true. Are there any on the ships?"

"One minute…yeah. Couple carriers to your left has a few rifles and an extra prog sword."

Silence. "Um, can you repeat that last one, please?"

"What? Prog sword?"

"Yeah. What's that?"

Lloyd answered her quickly. "It's like a prog knife, but a sword."

"…It's a long story," was the only explanation Sheena offered. "Good luck you two." And she cut the line.

"You heard her," Lloyd slapped the seat impatiently. "Go go go!"

Before she could answer, the Angel rose up and slammed down on the ship. Asuka leaped Unit 02 away.


Zelos and Genis had both found lounge chairs and stretched out on either side of Sheena. Genis was actually asleep. Zelos was nose-deep in a dirty magazine. Only Emil stayed awake and attentive.

"Don't you guys even care that they might be killed? Zelos, aren't you Asuka's guardian? Genis, I thought you wanted to see Unit 02 in action? And Sheena, aren't you, like, in charge of this whole thing here?"

Her answer was so offhanded, so perfect, so short, that Emil was actually compelled to listen to her. She said in, in five words, the greatest sentence he had ever heard: "Dude, you need to chill."

Landing on the deck of the new carrier, Asuka exchanged power cables and dug into the steel crate that held two Eva-sized rifles, and a progressive sword. Without thinking, she took hold of both rifles and scanned the sea for the Angel.

"Where are you, you damn fish?"

She was so focused on the ocean that she failed to notice Lloyd crawling his way forward. Okay, that's a lie. She noticed; she just didn't care. "I think it's staying just out of range, Asuka. Look."

Sure enough, a lone fin surfaced just beyond the effective range of her rifles. Still, she fired off a few rounds out of frustration.

"Hurensohn," she swore. "Show yourself, you verdammt coward! Come up here so I can kill you, you ublyudok, chert voz'mi." She was switching languages at an alarming rate, that's how pissed she was. And she was pissed for a number of reasons; chief among them was being cooped up with this moron, Lloyd. Admittedly, it was her fault, but she chose not to dwell on that fact. All she wanted to do was kill the Angel so that she could prove to him that she is, was, and forever will be the greatest Evangelion pilot ever. Was that so much to ask?

Then she noticed Lloyd digging in his suit. "What the hell are you doing?" she demanded. The first explanation that popped into her head was easily the grossest. "Ew! Don't do that in here! Not while we're submerged in liquid!"

"Hm?" Lloyd produced a weird magnifying glass from inside his suit. "What are you talking about? My stuff is hard to reach in this thing; I had to stick my hand down the neck and everything. What did you think I was doing?"

"Nothing! Nothing." She willed her blush to go away; she'd spent too many years with Zelos, it seemed. "What is that thing, anyway?"

"A Magic Lens!"

A beat.

"And?"

"Oh. It lets you see the health points and weakness of the enemy."

Asuka didn't have a high tolerance for stupidity. One of the drawbacks of being a child prodigy was that nearly everyone around you was degrees less intelligent that you. As a matter of necessity, she had learned to tolerate such people. However, genuine idiocy, ignorance, or otherwise lack of intelligence was a trait which infuriated her. And Lloyd was rapidly falling into that category. It wasn't the pirate outfit, or the lack of swordsmanship, or the disturbingly well manner in which he wore her suit, no, it was this, this one act, that sent her over the edge.

"You're fucking kidding me, right? You can't seriously be that stupid! This isn't some game where you can mash buttons and wander around in random directions until something happens! We're fighting Angels; this is serious business! I'm about three seconds away from throwing you out this Entry Plug with my bare hands. Do. Not. Speak. Again. Ever."

"But it works…"

"Ever!"

Fine. If she wouldn't listen, Lloyd would show her. He aimed it at the Angel and aligned it with her left eye. At first she made to shove him away, but something caught her eye.

Gaghiel

3200/3200 HP

78/78 TP

Weakness: Attacks to the core

Resistance: Everything else

"Was zum Teufel? It actually worked?"

"Of course." He said it like it was completely ordinary. Asuka was so awestruck that she had no retort. Instead she decided to test it. She lined up her rifles at Gaghiel broke the surface and squeezed both triggers. Most of the shots went into the ocean, but a few managed to connect. The Second Child watched as the HP counter ticked down to 2738/3200.

"So, if I just keep shooting at it and deplete its HP, it'll die?"

"No. It'll stop at 1 HP. You have to attack the Core in order to kill it."

"So where's this one's core?"

They shared a glance that said "Oh crap" and "Of course" at the same time.

"The mouth."

The prospect of being eaten wasn't particularly appealing to either pilot and each was working frantically to figure out a way to attack the core without being killed. Asuka, despite being a genius, was unaccustomed to real-world situations, having only textbook theoretical knowledge of Angels. She's wasn't quite up to concocting plans on the spot. Lloyd, however, was.

"Asuka? I have a plan."

Reluctantly, she said, "Alright, let's hear it."


Just as she was beginning to doze off, Sheena got a call from Asuka. Emil had found a fourth lounge chair and had quickly fallen asleep along with Zelos, the magazine draped over his eyes. "Hm? What is it?" she asked though a mighty yawn.

"Are…are you all asleep?"

"…No."

"Whatever. Can you patch us through to the captain of our ship?"

"Well, sure, but what for?" There was an unusual silence on the other end. "Asuka?"

"Lloyd has a plan."

That was all the encouragement she needed and quickly patched them through. Then she woke everyone up by flipping over their chairs. "Get up, jerkwads. You're not gonna want to miss this one."


Convincing the captain of their plan hadn't taken a lot of effort. It was either do what Asuka said, or be eaten by the Angel. The decision wasn't hard. They waited for her signal.

Next she emptied the rifles of their ammo at Gaghiel, not really trying to hit him. The point was to run out of ammo and make him charge. It worked, beautifully. Asuka picked up the progressive sword and brought it to life, feeling the whirring all the way in the plug.

"You sure about this, Lloyd?"

"Sure I'm sure. Do you have a better idea?"

"I have many better ideas than you, Lloyd, but none that will work."

"Alright then!" It wasn't really a compliment, but he wouldn't have understood if she tried to explain it to him, so she let him have it.

"Here he comes." Gaghiel was rapidly approaching the ship, the tops of the fins sticking out of the water. Confidently, Unit 02 strode to the bow of the carrier, nearly causing it to topple forward. Luckily, the carrier's bridge was at the bow, so that balanced out, sort of. "Full speed ahead, captain." The command was accompanied by a flourish of the prog sword.


Sheena, Zelos, Emil, and Genis watched from the deck of the Over the Rainbow. The sight of Unit 02 riding a charging aircraft carrier, sword brandished, on a collision course with the Angel was very John Paul Jones.

"Yep," Genis decided, " this was definitely Lloyd's plan."


Lloyd was whooping and hollering inside the cockpit, much to Asuka's annoyance. "Yeah! This is so cool! I always wanted to do this!"

"You have?"

"Well, ever since I – "

"Never mind, I don't really care." She turned her attention back to Gaghiel. "It's getting ready to jump on us. See? It just dove. All hands, brace for impact!"

Sure enough, Gaghiel burst from the ocean and dove at them, mouth side open. Dangling from the uvula was the shiny red core. "Hello, beastie," Asuka taunted, thrusting the point of the prog sword forward.

Next was one of those rare moments when both attackers shared an "Oh crap" moment. Gaghiel for realizing that he was about to die, and Asuka for realizing that she was about to get eaten.

Oh well, Gaghiel thought. At least I'm not Sachiel. He only had like barely 1000 HP. We told him not to go first, but does he listen? Noooo. Evidently, Sachiel is rather impatient.

The sword impacted the core and whirred even louder. The force caused Unit 02 to slide backward on the carrier and Gaghiel landed on deck, flopping about like, well, a fish out of water.

With a shout, Asuka pushed the controls harder, shoving the sword deeper into Gaghiel's core.

Lloyd watched Gaghiel's HP count dwindle.


"Is that Angel deepthroating Unit 02's sword?"

Everyone turned to look at Sheena, who turned beet red.

"Just…just saying."


Asuka's strength began to wane. Her sync ratio was about 84%, but chasing Lloyd and the others around had used up her stamina. Her second wind was failing. Then she felt a hand over both of hers.

"What the hell do you think you're doing?" she demanded.

"Helping," Lloyd answered.

Too exhausted to argue, she put the rest of strength into one last thrust. With Lloyd adding his own, they were able to break completely through the core. Honestly, there are so many more inappropriate comments I could make about this section. Like, a lot. I actually had a full paragraph of them before I realized what had happened. So I cut back on them. Anyway, they kept thrusting the sword deeper (told you). An audible crack could be heard all the way over where Sheena and the others were.

Know what, fuck it. "I don't need your help, Lloyd!"

"Yes you do, you aren't pushing hard enough."

"Shut up!" Reluctantly, she let him take her hands in his and lend his strength. As the sword went deeper, Gaghiel struggled harder. It could feel it's core breaking inside it. Pain wracked it's body as it's very soul was pierced. With a final shout, Asuka and Lloyd thrust the blade deep into the core; it cracked and bled.

His last thought before he died was, Wait, was I just one big sexual innuendo? Wasn't that Shamshel's job? Gaghiel fell lifeless. It was dead.

Many comparisons to legendary figures were made that day; among them Jonah and the Whale, Captain Ahab and Moby-Dick, and even John Paul Jones simply being a badass. But none was remembered more than Sheena's claim that Gaghiel deepthroated Unit 02's sword.