00 - New Pet - 00

A Death Note drabble

which was written in about five minutes and is therefore quite unpolished,

and that we can only hope doesn't result in a lawsuit by Ms. Hilton.


It was an unlikely friendship, for sure.

The first time Paris Hilton had strode into the Whammy's House, terrified-looking chihuaha pressed against her breasts and holding on for dear life, she had shirlly announced, "I'ma decided to buy this house and do my charity work. Bob, get me my lipstick," Near had yawned and gone back to his toys, Matt had muttered, "Nice tits," and Mello had felt the uncontrollable urge to waltz over to her and snap her neck.

So it was with a certain kind of awe that people watched the two of them grow closer with time. A week passed, and Mello grew out his hair, a month passed and - "Mello, are you wearing nail polish?" Two months passed and, "Mello, do not tell you are seriously wearing pink leopard-patterned jeans."

"Ohmygawd," Paris Hilton yapped on her phone while studying her nails. "Kim, I tell you, that Wumpat's House project was so totally a success - I found a new pet! And he is sooooo cute."

Nobody commented on the sudden disappearance of Tinkerbell, though Matt did think that on the day of disappearance, Xing Hua very suspiciously rubbed his belly.

"I want to buy him as my new pet," Paris informed Watari one morning, strolling into his office in a flurry of perfume that had landed 2.5 students in the hospital wing that morning (only 0.5 because Near having an asthma attack was hardly unusual), and slapped her manicured claws against the desk. "Will 50,000 do?"

Watari adjusted his glasses. "Ms. Hilton. Mello is a boy."

"Is totally what I'm saying," Paris went on. "100,000 then?"

Watari's eyes blinked.

And so Mello's fate was set.

Nowadays, Matt often spend his time alone, playing games and thinking back to how it used to be, when Mello was still home, and trying to push aside the images of Paris Hilton parading around in Hollywood. Until one day, the door flung open, and she was standing there, tall and imposing and manic grin on her face.

"Ms. Hilton?" Matt asked politely.

"No," she said. Her voice sounded rather terse. She threw a magazine on the bed, then sat down on Matt's bed with a pocket mirror,
commencing to apply eye liner.

Matt looked at the magazine. "Paris Hilton replaced 5th pet... replaced blond boy with - What." Dropping all pretense, he jumped to his feet, and seethed, "What the hell did you do to Mello?"

Ms. Hilton rolled her eyes. "Chillax, dude. You're not usually such a drama queen."

"That," Matt opened his moth to retort, realized how out-of-character that had sounded, and closed it with an audible 'plop'. "What?"

Paris (?) shrugged. "I killed her and dumped her in a lake," she said. He said.

Matt now noticed her shoulders were quite a bit wider than before.

Mello shrugged. "Thought having the entire Hilton enterprise at my disposal would do the investigation some good. And oh, Matty-honey, could you help fix my bra?"


Author's Notes: I may have finally lost it, guys. XD;