DISCLAIMER: ALL THINGS TWILIGHT BELONG TO STEPHENIE MEYER.
A/N: Thanks so much to my fabulous beta and friend, Justine, you are the definition of awesome! Thank you all my lovely reader for the lovely words you left for the previous chapter - Justine and I both truly appreciate them!
"How are you feeling today?"
That is always the first thing Eleazar asks every time I see him.
"Good," I tell him.
"I think you can do a little better than that," Eleazar says to me, smiling.
I feel a hundred things at once, but I'm not sure how to tell him that.
"You look overwhelmed, Edward. Why don't you start with what you've done recently."
"I met my new tutor."
"Yes, Carmen told me she was going to recommend Garrett to your mother. He is highly respected in the field of adult education. What do you think of him?"
"I like him. He is like Jasper - easy to be around."
Eleazar smiles at me. "What do you feel about the things you're learning?"
I'm not sure what he means and I guess it shows.
"Do you feel challenged?" he asks. "Are there things coming back to you?"
"Yes. A few."
"Would you care to share any of them with me, Edward?"
"Some math...some social studies. It's confusing, trying to fit...to fit all the pieces together."
Eleazar leans toward me, smiling again.
"That's to be expected."
"Will I ever fit them all in?"
"It's hard to say, Edward. You are making amazing progress, and I think you are putting a lot of the pieces into place, but there really is no way to completely make up for all those years you lost."
Eleazar is always honest with me; I like that.
"You seem distracted today, Edward. Is there something else on your mind?"
Eleazar coughs a few times and adjusts how he's sitting in his chair. His eyes look...what's the word? Amused? Yes...I think that's it.
"Anything specific about it, or just in general?"
"I tried it. I...I liked it...a lot."
Eleazar laughs out loud.
I don't understand what's funny.
"You certainly have no secrets, Edward. Do you have any questions or feelings about your experience?"
"Is...is it like that for everyone?"
"I'm not sure what you mean? Like what?" Eleazar asks.
I'm not even sure I can tell Eleazar my feelings...there were so many.
"Amazing. It felt amazing and relaxing, and I want more."
Again, Eleazar laughs. "You are a refreshing person to talk to, Edward."
Bella waves at me from the steps of the cottage. Alice leans toward her and says something and they both laugh. I watch until they are both just tiny figures in the rear window.
Jasper and Emmett are taking me to a baseball game in Seattle. I loved baseball when I was a kid, loved playing catch with my dad, but…we never got to go to a game together. Thinking of him makes me sad. I don't stop myself. Eleazar says it's good for me to think of him, to work through the emotions and keep his memory alive.
I've never seen so many people, except on television. They're loud and pushy. I feel uncomfortable.
I like our seats; no one sits behind us and I sit on the end. Jasper is the only person next to me.
The rules of the game come back to me while I watch, and the noise around me fades away until it's just me and the game.
"Edward! You want anything?" Emmett's voice is even louder than the crowd around us.
I look at him, confused. I'm not sure what he wants.
"Dude, do you want food?" he asks when I don't answer.
Looking around me, I see several people eating. Now that Emmett has brought up food, I notice the hunger in my stomach.
I nod at him and he gives me a thumbs-up before taking off into the crowd.
"You enjoying the game?" Jasper asks over the noise.
"Yes," I tell him.
"You seem like you're off in your own world - everything alright?"
Jasper bobs his head, and I think he understands. I like that about him. I never have to explain...it's the same with Bella.
"Here you go, man. One chili cheese dog with onions and a beer."
Emmett passes me the hot dog, but Jasper keeps the drink.
"What the hell is wrong with you? Edward's nineteen; you can't be buying him beer."
"Seriously? I thought he was older."
Emmett takes the drink back from Jasper and downs the whole cup at once.
"No worries, Edward. When you hit twenty-one, we'll take you out for real celebration - booze and boobs. It'll be awesome."
Emmett turns back to the game and I'm left wondering why anyone would drink the sour smelling liquid, though I see lots of people are, and what boobs have to do with birthdays.
It begins to rain on the drive home and I still can't get Emmett's comment out if my mind.
"What did you mean by booze and boobs?"
Emmett turns to look at me, his face surprised.
"You really don't understand what I meant, do you?"
I don't like the look that crosses Emmett's face when I shake my head. I can tell he feels bad for me.
"Booze is a slang term for liquor - like the beer Emmett had." Jasper laughs when he sees my wrinkled nose in the tiny mirror on the front window. "And boobs is a slang term for women's breasts."
"I don't understand why they would go together?"
Emmett starts to speak, but Jasper interrupts. "They don't, not really. They are both frequently enjoyed by Emmett."
"I still don't understand."
"I drink because I like to, and boobs are just awesome," Emmett tells me.
"'Cause they're fun as hell, bro." Emmett laughs loudly as he speaks.
"Because of all the things you can do with them; the way they feel against your chest and in your hands . . . and, oh, under your tongue." He stops and sighs. "You're missing out, man. You need to do some exploring, and Bella will thank you—trust me."
My head feels heavy with all this new information, words and images mixing all together. I'm not sure if I'm more confused now or before I asked.
I feel hot and almost dizzy thinking about how Bella touched herself. Would she let me touch her like that? Does she want to touch me?
More and more questions fill my mind as I watch the trees speed past my window.
"What are you thinking about?"
Bella stops watching the clouds and looks at me; she is blushing.
"You, actually," she says.
She blushes darker and turns over so her face is hidden in the grass.
"No...no - too embarrassing."
Bella looks up at me. She is smiling and still blushing.
"I'll tell you if you tell me the things you think about."
I smile at her and she sits up, facing me in the tall grass.
"I think about kissing you...holding you...touching you."
Her voice gets softer with each thing she adds. She looks down for a moment and then back up, but she doesn't look straight at me - she looks at me through her eyelashes(.) She's never done that before.
It gives me a warm feeling inside; my heart beats faster and my breath is quicker.
"Me too," I tell her. "I think about that, too."
Bella's eyes go wide and she looks excited.
She scoots closer, moving her hand over mine.
"I think about you touching me, too." Her voice is so soft I can hardly hear her.
I think of that night I saw her in her room, the sound of her moans, the moonlight on her pink skin. My penis starts growing in my pants with these thoughts.
"Where?" I ask. "Where do you think about me touching you?"
Bella's hand tightens on mine and she moves them together, skimming up her thigh and over her hip, slowly up her waist until my fingers slide over her breast.
"Here." Her voice is a whisper...and her eyes...her eyes are different then I've seen them. They have something...more in them.
I look back and forth from her eyes to my hand, unsure what to do next.
She moves her hand from mine and rests it against my cheek.
"Edward, it's alright if you touch me. I want you to."
My heart beats faster and my fingers shake when I move them to cover her breast.
Bella closes her eyes and sighs quietly before her lips touch mine.
Her cold fingers go under my shirt and slide up my stomach until her hands are pressed against my chest.
Bella presses more kisses to my mouth before pulling away to look in my eyes.
"Is everything alright?" she asks.
I pull my hand back, fearing I've done something wrong.
"Edward? Are you okay?"
"I...I don't know what you want." I feel upset - upset with myself and confused and turned on.
"Hey…" Bella moves her hands from my chest to my face. "Edward I only want you."
"But I don't know what I'm doing."
I pull away from Bella and turn my back. I don't want her to see how frustrated I am.
As soon as my back is turned, I feel Bella's arms around my shoulders and her lips on my neck.
"Edward, will you turn toward me, please?"
I do as she asks, though I keep my eyes down.
I feel her fingers in my hair and her kisses on my cheek.
"Will you look at me, please?"
Again, I do as she asks.
"What happened? Why did you pull away?"
Bella's eyes look soft...understanding.
"I didn't know what to do next. What you wanted…how to touch you."
Her smile is big when she hugs me tight and kisses me again and again, making me feel even more confused.
"You beautiful man, is that what's bothering you? You think you did something wrong?" She doesn't wait for me to answer before she speaks again. "Edward, there is no right way to be with someone. I love all your touches because they are from you. What you were doing was perfect."
My heart feels full. I didn't do anything wrong.
I still feel nervous, but my fingers don't shake when I reach for her this time and pull her tight against me.
I let my hand wander back up past her waist, over her stomach to the edge of her breast. Bella's eyes are fixed on mine and I can see excitement in them. I slide my hand completely over her breast and squeeze just a little to see what happens. Her breath catches and she pushes closer to me.
A few seconds pass and my heart is beating so hard I know Bella must hear it.
"Nothing you do will be wrong," she whispers.
I'm amazed how Bella always knows what I'm thinking. Her words make me feel good, and I try something I've seen Jasper do several times. I let the hand that's still on her waist drift down until it's covering her bottom and then I pull her tight against me. The feel of her pressed against my hard penis is beyond any words I have. Bella's smile is even bigger. She pulls my face down and kisses me slow and deep.
I could happily stay like this all night, rubbing her breast, pressed together at the hip.
It's almost dark when I head back to the house after leaving Bella at the cottage and I feel I can't get to my room soon enough for some alone time.
It's been three weeks since the baseball game with Jasper and Emmett, though it feels like much longer.
I have been working long hours with my tutor, some days it feels like my brain will give up.
Carlisle is still helping me with a job search, though both he and my tutor think there's no rush.
Jasper comes to Forks several times a week, and I enjoy talking to him about things that confuse me; he has a way of answering my questions that doesn't make me feel stupid for asking. I think some of my questions embarrass him, like when I asked about the white goo that comes out of my penis—he blushed a lot, but explained how the sperm live in the goo.
Mom and Bella have been extra busy lately; there have been so many people, it makes me very nervous...and annoyed. The guests take up a lot of our time. Time I would rather Bella was spending with me.
I tell Eleazar about my nervous and annoyed feelings. He tells me both are very normal, that I may never feel comfortable around crowds, and when you love someone it is often annoying to not spend as much time with them as you wish.
When he asked me if I had other things on my mind, I wasn't able to explain my growing frustration to him. How can I tell him what is frustrating me when I don't even know? It feels like everything.
Rain is coming down hard and fast...like a shower, but outside.
Mom and Carlisle went up to bed an hour ago, and I've just been watching TV. I'm too restless to lie down.
When I go up to my room, I can't relax. I try listening to music and playing with Max - neither help. I have something inside me that won't calm down. It feels like my insides are running around in circles, like Max when he tries to bite his own tail.
I even try touching myself, but stop before I finish. It's not my touch I want.
The clock says twelve-thirty; I've been trying to relax for two hours - nothing is working.
"Max, come...shhh." I tiptoe down the hall, past mom's closed door and down the stairs. Max is not so quiet as he runs down the stairs to the front door.
I slip my raincoat on and close the door quietly behind me before stepping into the rain.
I head through the dark hoping Bella is still awake. I don't know what I'm feeling tonight, the only thing I know is Bella can help me...she always helps me.
I tap softly on the cottage door and wait - nothing happens. I knock louder the second time. This time I see a light come on inside and a few seconds later I see the curtain in the window next to the door move. When Bella opens the door Max runs in and shakes in the middle of the living room. Bella is rubbing her eyes and I can't say a word, she never wore anything like what she is wearing now when she slept with me. The white t-shirt she has on goes to mid thigh and it hides very little. I can see her breasts, her small, pink nipples, and bright green underwater.
"Edward? Is everythi-"
I'm in the door, wrapping my arms around her waist, and kissing her hard before she can finish.
I can feel some of the frustration and annoyance leave my body. Just holding Bella makes me feel better.
When Bella pulls back, I can see the rain from my coat has soaked her shirt, making her body more visible and my already hard penis press tighter in my pants.
"Can I sleep here tonight?" I ask quietly, my heart pounding, my mouth dry. "With you?"
Bella's "Of course." is a whisper.
After hanging up my coat, I follow Bella to her bedroom where she is setting a blanket for Max in the corner.
I can't take my eyes off her as she pats the blanket into a mound and then stands to cross the room.
"Give me just a second, I need to change." Bella pulls gray pants and a purple top from her dresser.
I grab her hand before she goes into the bathroom. "Just the shirt."
She looks at me with her lips parted and whispers, "Oh . . ." before leaving her pants on a nearby chair, a blush turning her cheeks a bright pink.
I strip down to my underwear while Bella changes in the bathroom. I've never slept with her and been in so little clothing. It was always lounge pants and a t-shirt.
When Bella steps out of the bathroom she doesn't say a word, just turns out the light and climbs into her bed.
I crawl in next to her and curl my body around hers, my front to her back.
Her fingers stroke the hairs on my arm so lightly it makes me shiver.
"Are you okay?" I can hear the worry in her voice.
"I just need you."
Bella wraps her arms over mine, hugging them to her and causing my hand to brush her breast.
I have touched her breasts many times the last few weeks, but not like this - not without her bra on... They feel completely different.
They were soft before, but now...I don't have a word for how they feel in my hands.
Her nipple gets hard and stands out when I brush my fingers over it and I wonder how it feels to her.
"What does it feel like when I do this?" and I brush my fingers over her again.
Bella sighs. "Heavenly."
"I want to touch more of you," I tell her.
Bella puts her hand over mine and slides it off her breast. For a moment I'm disappointed - I've asked too much.
She moves my hand to the bottom of her t-shirt and slips both of them underneath.
Her skin is warm on my hand.
She keeps our hands moving until they are back on her breast - her bare breast.
My heart pounds harder when she presses my fingers to her nipple and moves them in small circles. It's surprisingly bumpy and it changes as I touch - from smooth to raised, soft to hard.
"The other one..."
Bella's voice is soft and...breathy? I think that's the word.
I spread my fingers and smooth my hand across her body, finding her other nipple already stiff.
Bella's hand leaves mine and I feel it on my hip, pulling me closer until my erection brushes her bottom.
My heart beats faster, my breathing speeds, and I press into her even closer.
"Pull it—just a little, with your fingertips."
I follow her directions, making sure I'm gentle.
She makes a humming noise and her fingers grip my thigh right below my boxers, nudging me against her. The feeling is unbelievable.
I want more.
"More," I breathe across Bella's neck.
She moves her hand from my leg and begins sliding it up - my penis starts to throb the closer she gets.
Her hand slides over my erection, her fingers tracing the edges.
My body freezes - even my breathing - waiting to see what she will do next.
She grips me tighter, moving her hand upward and it's the most wonderful thing I've ever felt.
My breath leaves my body in a moan and I push more of myself into her hand.
Bella moves her hand again, pushing it down to the base then back up again, very slowly.
Bella pulls my unused hand to her and smoothes it down her body until my fingers are pressed between her legs.
Her breath catches as soon as I make contact; her underwear are warm and damp as she moves our fingers together in small circles over the cloth.
Her hand on me moves faster and I push harder against her.
Our breathing comes in short pants, her hand moving over me...mine over her.
The now familiar sensation begins in my stomach and works its way through my body, until all the feeling and energy gather in my penis and rocket from my body.
I hold Bella close to me, continuing to thrust against her as warm liquid soaks my boxers.
Bella continues breathing heavily. "Please keep going," she moans to me and pushes my fingers to rub faster.
It's only moments before I feel her body begin to shake in my arms, my name whispered on her lips, and then a low, loud moan before her whole body goes limp.
Bella lets go of my now soft penis and turns in my arms, kissing me softly on the lips.
I'm tired and my eyes feel heavy.
"I'm so glad you came down tonight," she says, hugging me tighter.
I can only smile and kiss the top of her head. I have too many thoughts and feelings to be able to talk.
I roll back until I'm flat, pulling Bella with me. She lays her head on my chest, our arms and legs wrapped around each other.
"I love you," I whisper into her hair.
Bella strokes my chest a few times and places kisses over my heart whispering her "I love you" against my skin.
The last half hour plays in my mind as I drift to sleep and I know I never want to sleep anywhere except next to Bella.
A/N: :D Thank you all for reading!