A/N: Hi peoples! I am back... with inspiration! Okay, so I read this AWESOME fic on the Final Fantasy VII fandom, and I asked for, and received, permission to use the idea on the Bleach fandom! Get ready to be corrupted by Texts From Last Night! -maniacal laughter-

Okay! I have nothing more to say, so let your minds be corrupted! ... And a review would be nice. ^^

Rating: M
Beta: Nobody! I've been beta-less since 2008, and that's not gonna be changing any time soon. Any and all mistakes in grammar or spelling are completely my fault. I apologize ahead of time if there are any such errors.
Cue: "I can't find..."
Warning: Quite obvious mentions of yaoi (le gasp!), language, and lots and lots of alcohol!
Disclaimer: I do not own Bleach, its characters, setting, yada yada yada, or TFLN. But the people who do are frickin' GENIUSES! I don't own this format either. That belongs to the lovely (or sexy) Soyna. She (or he) is a frickin' genius to the TWENTY-SECOND POWER!
Characters: Shuuhei, Rangiku... and Izuru's not in it, but he's mentioned, so I'll just throw him in there. Oh! And let's not forget a truckload of random shinigami that nobody cares about since they'll probably end up dying next episode anyway!
POV: Shuuhei

Sexual Malfunction

"Ugh…" Shuuhei groaned, last night's alcohol actively pounding the bass from the previous night's party into his skull, "What the hell happened…?" His question was answered with the sound of a gasping breath coming from the other side of the room.

"Shit! These things can be so useful, but so damn annoying! What kind of world do you have to live in so knockers don't choke you in your sleep?" Rangiku complained while taking a large swig of her nearly empty bottle of saké, "It's almost gone…" She let out a sigh and swirled around the contents of whatever was left.

Shuuhei just nodded. He had drunk so much that the alcoholic haze had barely diminished, though the makings of a hangover were still there. The fact of the matter was that Shuuhei Hisagi was, and still was, completely and utterly wasted.

As his personal custom called for whenever he was in this particular type of situation, he did a full body check—just to make sure nothing was permanently altered in his drunken stupor (Soul Society forbid he obtained a piercing in some awkward location, or worse: an additional tattoo!). Okay… arms are here, and so are my hands obviously… Head's still screwed on right… I think... Shuuhei stumbled up from the floor and tripped over to a mirror. He looked at his face in one of the larger shards of shattered mirror. Alright. Sexy tattoo: check. Both eyeballs: check. He nodded to himself and then opened his shihakusho. Alright, no new scars. He almost shuddered to remember the last wild party he had been a part of. The threesome was worth it though. he chuckled inwardly. Now Shuuhei did have morals… Just not when he was drunk. Well, even sober, his morals—work ethic aside—were quite questionable.

Everything seems to be in order… Gotta take a shit though... Shuuhei nodded to himself and headed off to the bathroom. It was littered with corpses, or rather, the stoned bodies of sleeping drunken shinigami. He didn't really care much at the moment. All he really cared about at the time being was emptying his volatile bowels. He did so and everything was all fine and dandy, but then, he looked down…

"I don't need anything else, just you~" Rangiku cooed from the other room to her bottle of no-saké, under the drunken illusion that it was brimming with her beloved booze.

A frightened shout blasted across the room, Shuuhei following close behind, his hakama still pooled around his ankles.

"What the hell, Shuuhei!" Rangiku whined.

"I cannot find my penis!" he said in the most serious voice Rangiku had ever had the displeasure of hearing. Either way, she couldn't help but burst into laughter.

"What? What's so damn funny?"

"Hun, it's in between your legs. Now go back to sleep, and let me get some shuteye. And try not fucking Izuru so hard. Maybe then you won't wake up half emasculated."

Shuuhei blinked. But Izuru likes it rough!

A/N: My inspiration for this chapter: "I cannot find my penis."

Soyna was RIGHT! These texts really ARE inspirational!