Disclaimer – I own nothing but this poor girl's broken heart.
A/N – This was meant to be part of my Colors Of The Heart series, but I can't see myself updating that anytime soon, so it's being posted separately. The poor thing, it's been sitting on my laptop since- *checks date* -September. Oh lordy...
We were screwed from the start.
When we were five, you stole a cookie from your mum's jar, and told me it was especially for me.
That was when we became friends
When we were nine, we started to spend all of our time together. We watched our friends and cousins go off to Hogwarts, one by one, until, finally, we were the only ones left.
That was when I started to like you.
When we were eleven, fresh at Hogwarts, you made friends immediately, but I didn't. I had expected it to be the other way around, but it wasn't. You comforted me.
That was when I wondered if we were more than friends.
When we were both thirteen, experiencing the joys of the opposite sexes, I started to feel something. I had date offers popping up around every corner. You were no different. But I never took any of those relationships seriously. I was waiting for you.
That was when something started to change.
When we were fourteen, I saw you follow Rose around like a puppy. My heart cried in protest, but my mind wanted you to be happy. I tried to ignore it, but all of a sudden, you were just… gone…
That was when I thought I loved you.
When we were fifteen, you came to me and asked me what my dream date would be. I told you how I would love to take a walk in the moonlight, to have a picnic on the beach, to watch the stars, huddled next to each other. Your response was, "I'll make it happen someday".
That was when I knew I loved you.
When we were sixteen, I couldn't ignore the fact that you still harbored feelings for my cousin. I sank into a period of misery and loneliness. Everybody noticed. Except for you.
That was when I tried to forget you.
When we were seventeen, I tried to find other people. I spent my entire last year at Hogwarts sleeping around, trying to forget what could have been. For a few weeks, I even tried flirting with Scorpius. So what if he was Rosie's boyfriend? If she could take what was mine, I could take what was hers. I immediately left him alone when I realized that he had white-blond hair and dark blue eyes. Just like you.
That was when I knew I needed you.
When we were eighteen, newly graduated from Hogwarts, and you immediately applied for a job under Rose in the Ministry, I smiled, while mentally resisting the urge to shoot a Killing Curse at myself. When I saw you ask her out under the mistletoe on Christmas at the Burrow, I cried for days. My brain just couldn't handle it anymore. I shut down.
That was when I decided to let go.
When we were nineteen, I knew I couldn't chase you anymore. You wanted her, and if that was what it took to make you happy, I was willing to give up my dreams.
That was when I made my choice.
When we were twenty, I left for Romania, deciding to pursue a career working with dragons with my Uncle Charlie. The further away I was from you, the better. I pushed myself deeper and deeper into my mental hole. I focused only on work, and tried as hard as possibly to stay away from the blondes that inevitably showed up before me.
That was when I made the decision to just forget it all.
When we were twenty-one, you sent me a letter, telling me about what had happened with Rose. You told me about how she had broken up with you, saying that she still had feelings for Malfoy, and couldn't keep dating you. You asked me why she had to hurt you. You never asked who had hurt me.
That was when my heart shattered into a million pieces.
When we were twenty-two, a fancy eggshell envelope appeared at my doorstep. The elegant text on the front read:
Ron and Hermione Weasley request your presence at the wedding of their daughter,
Lorcan Xenophilius Scamander.
That was when I decided to give up.
I wiped away my tears, stood up, and pulled the trigger.
Yes it is angsty, yes it is sad, but that was just what came out. This was actually meant to be a Lorcan-loves-Lily fic, but it turned out completely different. I had a whole chart-thing where Lorcan loved Lily, Lily loved Scorpius, Scorpius loved Rose, Rose loved Lysander, Lysander loved Roxanne, and Roxanne loved Lorcan. Yeah, I get bored in math class a lot.
You can choose to think of it as either a metaphorical or literal trigger, depending on your view of this story. In my head, it was a literal gun, but it could definitely work both ways.
And I absolutely DO NOT think that Rose and Lorcan got married (ROSE/SCORPIUS FOREVER!), but it just kind of happened as I wrote. I also kind of wanted to stick Scorpius in there, because of the whole similarities-in-their-looks thing.
I, despite the angsty depressing-ness of this story, actually loved writing it. This writing style was really fun to write, and I think I might try it again, a few chapters down the line.
And by the way, I do not, in any way, encourage suicide. I am not saying that any of you should simply get up and put a gun to your head because somebody doesn't like you. This just seemed to be the right thing to complete the story in my head.
Anywayyyy – thanks for reading!