Rufus ShinRa is dead and gone. He has kicked the bucket, shuffled off this mortal coil, gone to meet his maker, pushing up daisies or just about any other phrase you can think of to say that he is no longer here. With me.

Actually, that last one isn't true. Not even close. After all, how can you be pushing up daisies when you are nothing more than dust? Or ash. Whatever the hell it is when you get yourself fried rather than buried.

It's been six months now and I don't feel any sort of acceptance for this fact. I just feel pissed off and angry. When we found his dead body – or rather, when the doctor confirmed that he was dead and gone and that there was nothing he could do, I wanted to do nothing more than to join him. But where would that leave my friends, huh? Something that selfish prick apparently didn't bother to consider. Then again, perhaps we were just beneath his consideration.

Who the hell is he to decide that the world would be a better place without him? It isn't. It definitely isn't. Sure, Tseng has been putting his money to use but he's doing nothing different than Rufus would have done if he were alive. People still refuse our money but those that need it most take it gladly, uncaring of its origins as long as mouths are fed, bodies are clothed and sheltered and sick bodies become well again.

He wanted his death to mean something. That's great. What it has meant is that a lot of people depending on him are now homeless and jobless without the prospect of there ever being a ShinRa again. He can talk all that crap he wanted about keeping the company small but that would never have happened. Everyone knew that. He's left me with this stupid, huge hole in my chest and he's left the Turks floundering – he thought people distrusted *him*? It was as of nothing as to how they feel about the Turks but hey, guess what? We struggle on!

Times like this I think I should have just knocked Tseng out, taken the blonde prick's ashes and mixed them up with those of his father's. Ha! Wouldn't the blonde control freak have *loved* that - stuck with the old man for all eternity! It would have been exactly what he deserved.

I'm not even allowed the escape that alcohol brings me any more. Tseng has deemed it too risky. Balls! I'm not about to kill myself. Worst thing I'd do is piss on my ex-lover's memorial site… First time he tells me that he loves me is right before he kills himself? Classy! Why would I kill myself so we could be together when the thought of him still fills me with such rage?

What was that other thing he said? Oh yeah… not only will I love again but I will love well. Yeah, right! That bastard took away any capacity I had to love when he took the coward's way out. Not content with taking his life, he waited until my *one* night out in over *six months* to do it to ensure that by the time I got home there was nothing to be done. The alcohol and pills had long since killed him.

Bitten the Bullet. That's another one, right? Or is that just something someone says when someone finally does a task that they have been putting off for a while. Heh, either way I guess it doesn't matter. It fits too. Asshole. I hope he is burning in hell right now.

Whatever! Life sucks and then you die… it won't be any time soon though. Just in case he *is* waiting for me. I wouldn't give him the satisfaction.