A/N: This little crack fic is dedicated to Rachel. One night we were both watching an episode of Castle and this particular Kay Jeweler commercial came on. She texted me and it somehow got the ball rolling on this little fun one shot. It is because of our shared hatred of the cheesy Kay Jeweler commercials that this ditty exists.
For those of you not in the States and not lucky enough to know what commercial we're talking about you can check out YouTube. Do a search for "Kay Jewelers Storm Commercial" and you should be rewarded.
Summary: One night over the phone Rose and Alice make fun of a ridiculous Kay Jeweler commercial. O/S. Pure comedic relief. Nathan Fillion/Castle/Firefly and Dancing with the Stars references. Rated M for language.
Every Kiss Begins with Kay
I sure as hell wasn't a party animal. My typical Monday night consisted of sitting on my couch in front of the television with a bowl of popcorn watching Dancing with the Stars and then Castle. When Alice was home she'd call me and we'd silently watch them together and then heckle the so-called celebrities during the commercials. Of course, there were times were we had no choice but to make fun of the commercials themselves.
We couldn't help it. We always had our favorite commercials to attack.
"Kaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay!" I pulled the phone away from my ear as Alice shrieked from the other side.
Our most favorite commercial ever. To hate. To make fun of.
A man and a woman were in a cabin, a horrible thunderstorm storm raging around them. He's handsome with perfectly chiseled cheek bones; hair so gelled not a strand was out of place for the entire thirty seconds. She was beautiful and model-like with flawless skin and long brown hair and legs that went on forever.
"Tall bitch," Alice muttered.
Alice was barely five foot and called me a tall bitch when we first met. I got over it quickly. "You're just jealous."
"Damn skippy," she growled. "Fuck, you know what I hate?"
"You hate so many things. Do tell." Either way, I was going to hear it.
"That in this day and age Kay is trying to sell diamonds by making the man a protector from mother fuckin' nature." I bit my lip to silence my laughter over Alice's tirade.
"You know what I hate?" I asked.
I heard Alice clicking around the channels on her television and imagined her arm stretched outwards toward her squawk box, flipping through the channels rapidly. "Do tell," she said mockingly.
"That I'm jealous of that woman's ass." I reached for more popcorn but found the bowl empty.
"Oh, bitch please," Alice sighed. "Rose, I could bounce a quarter off your ass."
I wondered how many times Alice had gazed at my ass to come to that conclusion. On my screen a professional dancer threw their celebrity partner into the air, catching them with amazing grace. "Know what I wish?"
A noise that could only be described as a cackle echoed throughout the air. "Tell me, please."
"That a bolt of lightning would break through the glass and zap them both." I should feel guilty, but I didn't.
"No way! Me too!" Alice laughed. "Turn to channel twenty-five! Quick!"
Grabbing the remote, I quickly entered the numbers and groaned.
"In all the years we've been coming here, I've never seen a storm like this."
"That's because you're too damn busy staring at my ass!" Alice was laughing uncontrollably on the other end of the line.
"No, because I've been plotting your murder!" I tried to replicate a scary horror movie sound, but failed miserably. "All the power has been cut and the road is washed away!"
On screen, a bolt of lightning hit nearby and the woman jumped, turning into the man's arms. "Oh, save me!" Alice said. "You big strong man you!"
"I'm right here. And I always will be."
I rolled my eyes as the woman appeared surprised when he presented her with a box. Opening it up, a necklace was presented to the female of his choice. The thing was so unnaturally bright and gaudy it outshone the fire in the background.
"Just what I've always wanted!" Alice howled. "A PEZ dispenser!"
"…now you can surround her with the strength of your love…"
"Before you strangle that stupid ass bitch a year into your marriage," I supplied.
"Don't let go." The woman says onscreen.
Alice cleared her throat. "You know what that guy is thinking, right?"
"I bet it's something like, 'Damn, the bitch is already being clingy.' Am I right?"
"Do you know what happened the last time those words were spoken?" Alice was laughing so hard and trying to catch her breath. "Do you?"
"I asked Jack not to let go." I stifled a laugh at comparing a Kay Jewelers commercial to the movie Titanic. "Damn bastard let go and froze his balls off."
"You got it!"
"Every kiss begins with Kay…."
Alice laughed evilly as the commercial came to a close. "And a dose of antibiotics because your girl is a ho!"
"I have another tagline!" I jumped up from the couch and hurried to the kitchen to grab a soda. Grabbing a cold one from the fridge, I hurried back to my spot in front of the television. "Every kill begins with Kay!"
"Every groin injury begins with Kay!" Alice squealed with delight. "What I wouldn't give to commit some arson and burn the local Kay's down to the ground. It'd be some wicked payback for all these awesomely bad commercials."
"Oh, damn, it's ten o'clock!" I grabbed the remote and changed the channel back to ABC and saw the credits rolling for Dancing with the Stars. "Shit, I missed who was voted off."
"It'll be online in like, five minutes," Alice said. "I'll look it up for you so you don't have to move your lazy ass off the couch."
"You have to imitate Tom Bergeron when you reveal the kicked off celebrity." Nathan Fillion's handsome face filled my television screen. "Bitch, Captain Tight Pants is on. You need to shut the fuck up now."
"When are Castle and Becket gonna fuck?"
"I'll be damned if I know." Turning the volume up, I propped my feet up on the coffee table.
And that's how I spent my Monday nights. Watching Dancing with the Stars, making fun of Kay Jeweler commercials, and answering the same damn question every week about Castle.
When were Castle and Becket gonna fuck?