Just a funny bit of foreshadowing I cooked up. And it's a 'little' crackish, just to warn everyone... kind of in the spirit of Why Edward Isn't Gay. A little fun at the expense of everyone's favorite prudish vampire. I don't own the characters or the concept, but enjoy! :D
Let's set the scene: Edward has agreed to take Bella shopping, and Alice and Rosalie are hunting. Carlisle is at work. Emmett and Jasper, bored out of their minds, accompany Edward and Bella to Walmart. So, it's just Bella and the guys. It's really going ok, until they get to a certain aisle…
"Omigosh Emmett, that's totally gross!" Bella exclaimed, jumping back.
"What?" Edward demanded. Seeing what Emmett held up, he rolled his eyes. "Oh. A little maturity, if you please? You're only a hundred years old, after all…"
"But these things are so funny!" Emmett exclaimed, throwing Jasper the large box of condoms. "Humans are so awkward…"
"Wait, what are these, anyway?" Jasper asked, turning it over in his hands. "They definitely didn't have them back in the fifties…"
Bella gave Edward an inquiring glance.
"He means the eighteen fifties," Edward explained.
"Oh," Bella replied. "But he's never seen them since?"
"It's not like vampires really have any use for them," Edward replied uncomfortably. "And can we please move on? This is a very awkward topic…"
"But I want to know what they're for," Jasper complained.
"Then read it, dumbass," Emmett laughed. "Or get Edward to explain…"
"Hell no," Edward replied shortly. "My apologies, Bella."
"I've told you a hundred times, I don't mind swearing-"
Bella was cut off by a gasp of disbelief from Jasper.
"Humans use these things?" he demanded, throwing Emmett the box, his face a mask of disbelief and horror.
"Uh, yeah…" Emmett replied. "And be glad they do, because if they didn't there'd be like fifty million more humans running around."
"That's just … weird," Jasper replied. "And they come in sizes and everything? It would be pretty demeaning to have to get smalls…"
"Ugh, I thought this would be a lot less awkward than with human guys. It's totally not," Bella said, making a face. Edward took her hand, shaking his head.
"We're going to pursue a less juvenile pastime," he sighed. Emmett looked at Jasper, and before Edward could pick out of their heads what was about to take place, tossed one of the boxes of extra-smalls at the back of his head.
"Hey! That's not funny!" Edward exclaimed. Bella, however, doubled over laughing.
"Hey, man, we weren't sure exactly what you meant by 'less juvenile'," Emmett shrugged, mocking Edward's tone of voice. "And it's our job to look out for our little bro."
"I'm a good fourteen years older than you," Edward replied. "And we've been over it, we don't need these!"
"Well, Bella is human," Emmett shrugged, looking at Jasper. "Haha – can't you see weird little half-human half-vampire babies running around destroying things? They'd kind of look like Bella, except they'd have super-strength and really bright red hair. It would be kind of awesome."
"On second thought," said Jasper, making a face, "better safe than sorry, huh, Edward?"
"Yeah, and their honeymoon is going to be a total bore anyway!" Emmett sighed. "Pity, really. One of us could have put some of these to good use back in the human days. I think these are even flavored…"
"Emmett, remember that discussion we had about personal topics and boundaries?" Edward demanded.
Jasper laughed outright.
"See, this is why he was single for practically a century. He can't even talk about sex with his two favorite brothers. And he won't even make any moves, because he's too afraid he'll knock up his human."
"You. both. know. that's. completely. impossible," Edward said through his teeth. Bella was turning bright red, but that didn't change the fact that she was doubled over laughing behind Edward's back.
"And seriously guys," she added, looking as though she was struggling to catch her breath, "in the spirit of brotherly helpfulness, you could at least toss us some extra-larges. Really."
Edward turned to Bella, opening and closing his mouth as though he kept thinking of things to say and deciding better of it. Emmett and Jasper turned to look at each other, their faces equally as shocked as Edward's.
Edward cut Jasper off before he could finish.
"Bella, for my sanity's sake, let's get out of here before their thoughts get any more graphic than they already are."
"Okay," Bella agreed. "And I think we're safe anyway. Seriously, half-human half-vampire babies? Like that could ever happen."