A/N: Whoa. So worry for the delay! Here ya go! The last chapter up! I may write more, but not sure. Hope you enjoy and thank you all for your comments, faves, and patients! Hope you all enjoy!
Beep. Beep. Beep.
My alarm wakes me from my drunken sleep. I may have been hung-over, but I learned to ignore the splitting headache and nausea. I'd take this feeling over what my heart felt. I remain in bed and contemplate. Do I go to work and avoid Olivia? Do I even go to work? Do I go and explain how I was drunk and I didn't know what I was doing? Or do I go and take responsibility for my actions?
'You can't run forever…'
I sigh and my brows furrow. I don't let myself cry. I can't handle it. I'm too dehydrated, anyways. I roll out of bed, hunching over, my green eyes fixated on my cold feet. I begin to recite what I will say to Olivia if I cross her path today. I'm terrified. My stomach is tied in knots from the anxiety. I almost felt the anxiety was worse than the depression. This needed to end. I knew I was destroying my mind, heart, and body over this and last night was the breaking point.
When I enter the building, eyes look to me, as if they know what happened last night. As if they know what I am going through. I lower my eyes for a moment but straighten my posture and keep my eyes forward. With all my strength I have left, I try to put on the façade of confidence. My eyes scan the SVU room, spotting Munch and Elliot, but not Olivia. I let out a breath of relief. Elliot catches my eye and approaches me.
"So…," he asks and smiles, following me to my office. "How'd it go? Did you tell her?"
Rolling my eyes, I throw my briefcase on my desk, staring at it a moment before turning back to him. By the look on my face, it was easy for Elliot to understand things didn't go according to plan.
"I ruined everything, Elliot. I should have just told her." I throw my hand up in defeat, motioning to nothing.
"We went to get drinks…I thought liquor would loosen me up. I needed it. And, well, it did. Too much. Elliot I," I sigh, closing my eyes, my stomach tensing, "I kissed her." Before he could get a word in, I stopped him. "She pulled away in horror. Do you know how…fucked I am?" My eyes are intense, the tears threatening to spill over.
When did Elliot suddenly become my best friend? Why did I feel I could talk to him? Why was I allowing myself to cry in front of him? I was so good at hiding my emotions. Was. I was good at hiding my emotions. I was breaking down. I was no longer me. This isn't me. This isn't me. This. Isn't. Me.
I am so frustrated. I can barely think straight anymore. Successfully shutting Elliot up, I inhale deeply, as if filling my lungs with air would make me appear large and in charge. I can tell he doesn't know what to say. We both stare at each other for a few moments before she walks through the door, inviting herself in. By she, I mean the last person I wanted to see today: Olivia Benson.
Startled, I knock over the lamp and fumble with it clumsily for a few plays before failing and dropping it on the ground. I look up and with no control, my face contorts into shock. I probably could pass for the lead role in a paranormal movie when they finally witness the ghost. And there it goes again; my heart pounding so hard I swear the whole SVU unit can hear it and mistake it for doomsday.
"Elliot, leave." Olivia nearly barks.
Great. She's pissed and I am to blame. She probably came to give me a piece of her mind. Elliot and I lock eyes. My mind and heart are panicking. 'Please, do not leave,' my eyes plea. He has no choice. Olivia is staring daggers at him.
"Jeeze, you women," he puts up his hands in defense and leaves. Olivia closes the door behind him and I feel trapped. My heart racing, my lungs constricting, my head spinning. I feel sick.
The second she turns around to face me, I try to remember my lines that I had recited 1,000 times over on my way here.
"Olivia, I am so sorry about last night. I don't know what happened. I was drunk. The bar was playing crazy music. It ju-," Olivia stops me short, holding up her hand to shush me.
"Casey…Casey. Shh. It's okay. Case…you ran out on me. I tried to stop you, but damn, you can run fast in those heels."
She wasn't upset? Furious? I was confused. I was officially lost at sea and I could tell Olivia knew. It didn't take a mind reader to understand what my facial expression was conveying. My mind searched for words to construct into a sentence; running through the vast library that held every word I know, but I couldn't do it. I simply shake my head, my brows high and my mouth partly opened.
"…Sorry…? I was embarrassed." My cheeks flush with red. "I really am sorry, Liv," I love saying her nickname.
"No need to apologize," she smiles, taking a step closer. This woman makes me weak in the knees; literally. I need to lean against my desk to help hold my weight.
"Because,... I wasn't offended. I only pulled away because you startled me."
My cheeks flush that deep red once more. I totally made myself look like an ass last night. But, could you blame me? It wasn't like I kissed someone I had no feelings for. This woman owned my heart without even knowing it.
"I would have thought our first kiss would have been a bit…different."
My eyes flash with astonishment. Is my hearing off? Am I delusional? I begin to think I am still asleep and dreaming. There was no way she could have just said what I think she did. Olivia closes the distance between us, a smile upon her face, and before I know it I feel her delicate hand tuck a stray lock of hair behind my ear. And then suddenly her lips meet mine as if magnets had been placed there ages ago.
When our lips lock, I swear the laws of gravity no longer apply. I feel myself lift from the ground and all sound dies to silence. I have never experienced such a phenomenal moment. This could not be real; I had to be dreaming. The woman I had been fawning over for what seemed like a life time is kissing me like a Goddess.
It wasn't long until I could feel the hot tears sneaking from my closed eyes. I begin to weep silently; except these tears are from sheer joy and relief.
I feel Olivia's soft hands meet my face, brushing away my tears with her soft thumbs, breaking the kiss and whispering what is wrong. I respond with a simple, 'Nothing,' and smile, my forehead meeting hers.
"How long have you known?"
"I didn't. I figured you knew I liked you and that was why you kissed me that night…"
I blush. She does too.
I can't begin to express the joy in my heart. There are no words. My heart races with excitement; it's a beautiful feeling. It was funny how easy the horrible feelings of heartache, need, anxiety, and fear had been swept away in a simple kiss. I swore I could fly. I just hoped Olivia wouldn't let me fall. I couldn't recover if she did.