Some Nights - Fun
Use Me Up - Hanson
Jar of Hearts – Christina Perri
I Won't Give Up – Jason Mraz
Don't Wanna Lose You Now – Backstreet Boys
The first few weeks after Bella told me to fuck off were hard. I felt like shit and I couldn't sleep for fear of the nightmares that plagued me of that night. I lived off of coffee and 5-hour energy drinks. It was definitely not healthy considering I wasn't eating and I practically looked like a corpse with all the weight I had lost because I couldn't stomach food.
Despite Bella's request for time and space, I e-mailed her and left voicemails on her phone at least once a day. I text messaged her and even stooped low enough to call her mother after Alice told me to go fuck myself and that she was going to cut off my balls and shove them down my throat the next time she laid eyes on me. I was kind of scared of that little pixie.
Nobody would tell me what was going on with Bella and every message I sent her was deleted without her even reading it; I was sure of that even though I had no proof.
Jasper had taken to ignoring me as of late because he complained about my being a 'pussy whipped pansy assed motherfucker who wouldn't just stop with the bitching' and he said I made him feel like someone had died. He just didn't understand what it did to my heart to loss Bella like that.
Somewhere during the sixth week after that fateful night, I stopped being depressed and I got pissed. I woke up and checked my phone and e-mail, as was my routine, and again there was nothing from Bella. It was like an explosion went off in my head. What more could I have done? It was an accident, it's not like I meant to do anything stupid. If she had just told me she was coming to visit then it never would have happened. I had turned this all into Bella's fault and Jasper was going to be the first one to hear about my discovery.
"This is all her fucking fault! I didn't do anything! It was a fucking drunken accident!" I yelled out into the room as I paced while Jasper threw a baseball up in the air and caught it from his lying position on his bed.
"So explain how this is her fault again? Oh and please tell me this is the last of these conversations," I could just hear the eye-roll in Jasper's voice.
"It's her fault because she didn't tell me she was coming! She cancelled our webcam date and didn't give me any kind of reason! I was fucking depressed and took to drowning my misery and loneliness in alcohol while she got to be all excited and happy because she was coming to see me! Ever heard of sharing the fucking wealth?" I growled at the thought of Bella singing and dancing happily as she packed her bags and hopped on a plane while I was close to tears and drinking entire bottles of liquor to soothe my broken heart.
"But she was trying to surprise you," Jasper argued for Bella's sake but I could see the look in his eyes that said he thought I was partially right.
"Doesn't matter Jasper, I never would have been drinking that night if I had known. If I hadn't been drinking then I never would have ended up in a compromising position with that chick," my logic was making more and more sense as I continued to explain it.
"But the fault doesn't matter. Dude, you're young. Stop trying to tie yourself down so quickly. Just live," Jasper shrugged and stared at me for a moment. I took in his words and felt my brows wrinkle as the thoughts filtered through my brain.
He was right. I shouldn't dwell on what I couldn't change. I did love Bella but that wasn't going to bring her back to me. I needed to suck it up, shake it off and get on with my life regardless of how much it hurt. I would just shove the pain back and it would fade eventually… right?
"Bella, he's calling you again," Alice sneered at me as she pointed to my phone. I shrugged my shoulders and turned back to the laptop in front of me. I was going through the 157 e-mails Edward had sent me in the past 6 weeks. The more he tried, the worse I felt about him. I had asked him for time and he was smothering me with his presence.
"Don't care. You can answer it if you'd like. I told him I'd contact him when I was ready to talk again but he just won't leave me alone," I sighed and picked up my phone as it chimed to tell me there was a new message.
"You're actually going to listen to the message? Bella, he's a complete ass for what he did to you and you should just delete it," Alice reached for my phone and I ripped it away from her reach and gave her a glare.
"Alice, I love you but don't fuck with me. I listen to every message and I read every e-mail because regardless of what happened I'm hurting and it makes me feel better to know he cares still. I only listen because I'm hoping somewhere in one of these I'll find the reason behind why things had to happen the way they did," I let myself admit how I really felt as my head hung down to avoid her gaze.
"Oh Bella… I really thought you were getting over this but you're not even close to that are you?" she questioned me with a half smile as she ran her fingers through my hair. I shook my head and pressed my forehead to my desk to hide the few tears I had let escape.
"I'm fine Alice. I just want to listen to this, okay?" I whispered before clearing my throat and sitting back up. I wiped my face quickly and pressed send on my voicemail to hear the voice I craved more than anything.
"Bella, I've decided to stop this. I need to leave you alone and give you space. I'm just calling to tell you that… well I guess to say I won't be calling anymore. Um… so… yeah… bye," Edward's voice filtered over the line and my heart dropped to my stomach. He didn't say he loved me once. He didn't say he missed me at all. That was a thirty second message and they were usually a few minutes in length.
"Oh fuck… Bella?" Alice's voice was faint as I felt my chest tightening. My breathing was coming out ragged and my head was spinning. I felt like I couldn't catch my breath and my chest was on fire. I felt the wetness on my checks but my focus was on the short gasping breaths I was trying to take in.
"BELLA! You're hyperventilating! What the fuck? Breathe into the bag," her voice was panicked and I felt like I was going to pass out. All I could think about was whether this was what it felt like to have a panic attack and why did Edward suddenly not want me anymore.
"Can't… breathe… need… help," I managed to gasp as Alice thrust the bag over my mouth violently. I took in a few short breaths before I started coughing violently. Alice patted my back and I waved her away.
"Shit Bella, take slow, deep breaths!" Alice shouted in my ear. I tried to focus on taking the slow deep breaths but all I could think about was the defeat in Edward's words. He had given up on me. He didn't want me anymore and that was more painful than walking in on him with that girl.
"I'm… okay," I gasped out as the dizziness began to lift away from me and I could finally focus again. I could feel the tears streaming down my cheeks and my chest was aching.
"Bella, what the hell did he say?" the anger in Alice's voice was shocking and only made my eyes tear up even more than before. I didn't want her anger with him in that moment. I wanted my friend to hold me and comfort me while I cried for the complete loss of my first love.
"He… he gave up. He doesn't want me anymore…" I whispered as my grip tightened on my phone.
"Oh god… I'm so sorry Bella. He's a damn fool," her arms came around me and I buried my head in her chest as painful sobs began to wrack my body. My body shook with the force of my cries as I finally let all the pain fully flood my system.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*4 MONTHS LATER*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
"Jessica! Come on… quit being a bitch! I mean seriously! I was just fucking with you," I called out after the frizzy haired brunette that was stomping away from our table in the Port Angeles Mall food court.
"You're an insensitive prick Edward. It's taken her years to be okay with her natural curly hair and then you tell her she has hair like a brillo-pad so what do you expect?" Lauren sneered at me before she got up to follow Jessica away from the table.
"You cock-blocking son of a bitch! I was so going to get a blow job from Lauren tonight and now you totally ruined it!" Jasper groaned as he gave me a glare.
"Eh… she's not that good anyway," I rolled my eyes and smirked at him knowing that my comment would piss him off.
"God damn it Edward! Have you done something sexual with every girl in our school?" he cried out in disgust but I just allowed a laugh to escape my lips.
"Not all of them. Hey just think of it this way, I'm taking your advice," I smirked at him with a raised eyebrow and he just shook his head at me.
"I think you took that advice way beyond my context. I never told you to sleep with anything that walks," he groaned and stood from his chair. I followed suit and we headed out of the mall and to my Volvo in the parking lot.
"Whatever Jazz, what are we doing tonight?" I questioned him as I slide behind the wheel. I figured we'd hit up some party or get drunk at my place.
"I don't know. I was planning on the blow job but… I don't really feel like doing anything tonight," Jasper tapped his fingers on the dash as he stared out his passenger side window.
"Seriously dude? You're really that pissed at me for scaring Lauren off?" I questioned him incredulously, she really wasn't that good.
"Well… I'm… uh… sorta… meetingupwithAliceandBella," Jasper mumbled and his entire speech was one long word instead of a sentence.
"You're what?" I asked in disbelief. Neither of us had spoken of Bella since he had convinced me to try and let her go.
"Bella and Alice are in Forks. They're visiting Chief Swan for Christmas break," Jasper sighed and looked down. I stopped for a second and stared at him in shock.
"If Alice is in town, why the fuck were you going to get a blow job from Lauren?" I wondered mainly to avoid thinking of Bella. The thought of her being so close made my heart pound in my chest.
"I wasn't. I just didn't want to let you on to that fact because Alice made me swear to keep you away from Bella. Apparently Bella has… umm… she's seeing someone back in Phoenix," Jasper looked out the window again and my foot slammed on the break in a knee-jerk reaction.
"What? Are you fucking kidding me?" I cried out as the suppressed pain of four months ago flared up in my chest and my eyes watered.
"I thought you were over her," Jasper gave me a pointed look as he spoke.
"You dumb fucker! How could you think I was ever truly over her?!" I growled at him and felt my hands tightening painfully on the steering wheel.
"You're not going near her. I fucking promised Alice. God, I never should have said anything to you," Jasper groaned letting his head fall back against the seat.
"Of course I'm going over there and you're coming with me. If she has Alice, I'm having you there with me. Who is this fucker she's seeing anyway? I don't give a damn about her being with someone and you know it Jazz," I pushed the gas pedal down and turned toward Chief Swan's house.
"Edward, you know you're my best friend but this is a really dumb idea. Just… let it go, please?" Jasper begged me and I turned to look at him trying to read his face. Jasper never begged.
"What is this? You're hiding something from me. Spill it you fucking traitor," I spat at him as I took the next turn.
"Bella specifically asked me to keep you away from her while she was here. She said… well that doesn't matter really but… I don't want you to get hurt bro," his voice had softened and I knew there was more to what he was trying to say.
"The guy is with her, isn't he?" I asked in desperation. Jasper shook his head and swallowed hard.
"No, he's not with her but… well Chief Swan kind of knows that you two ahh… yeah," Jasper admitted sheepishly and I froze.
"She fucking told him?! I'm surprised I'm not dead yet!" I whined before making the last turn that would take me past Bella's house. I could see that the cruiser wasn't in the driveway so I relaxed some.
"Edward! You fucking idiot! Keep going past that house!" Jasper yelled at me as I slowed down intent on turning into her driveway. Just as I started to turn my wheel the front door opened and a grinning Bella walked out followed by Alice. They were talking and laughing as they locked up the door but once they turned around and saw my car I could see Bella deflate.
The color in her face drained as she stared directly at me through the windshield. I felt my breathing increase and my heart was pounding. I put the car in park and began to open my door when Bella fell to her knees on the porch gripping her chest. I could see the tears rolling down her cheeks before I could hear the sob that left her mouth.
I didn't know it would tear this hole in my chest so violently when I saw him again. I thought I was over him. The green of his eyes pierced straight through the glass as he stared at me with wide eyes. It was like watching a train wreck… I just couldn't look away from him. His hair was the same bronze mess but just a little longer and shaggier than I remembered. His jaw held the day's stubble in a sexy, strong five o-clock shadow that made him appear so much older. My entire body shook as the sobs ripped through me and brought me to my knees.
I watched as he began to open his door only to have Jasper grab his arm from the passenger seat. I could tell Jasper was pissed off at Edward and I could feel the anger at him ebbing in the back of my mind for telling Edward I was visiting but it wasn't my biggest concern in that moment.
"Get up Bella. Let's go back inside. Shopping can wait," Alice grabbed my arm and tried to tug me forward but I wouldn't move. It was like a piece of my heart was dying and I couldn't breathe.
"Alice… it… hurts… God! I thought… I was…. over this!" I whimpered as I continued to stare at Edward. His eyes never left mine even as Jasper tugged at his arm.
"Bella, you can't do this. You're only here a week and then you'll be going back home to Demetri. Come on, get inside before he comes over here," Alice begged me but I shook my head.
"I'm not dating Demetri! Jesus Alice, we're only friends. I still love Edward… I know I said I didn't want to see him but… fuck… I need to see him. It fucking hurts," I lost my connection with Edward's eyes and looked toward Alice who shook her head at me.
"I'll be the one left to pick up the pieces. I told you what Jazz said has been going on with him," Alice sighed and sank down to her knees next to me.
"I know… I'm not going to sleep with him or get together with him or anything. I just… need some closure," I stared at the porch under me as I spoke and it made me jump when I heard the car door slam.
"BELLA!" Edward called out to me and I looked up to see him running toward me. I hiccupped once and wiped my face as he got closer.
"Go away," Alice growled as she put her arm around my shoulder.
"None of your business troll," Edward growled back and I flinched away from him. He looked at me in shock and I shook my head.
"What… what are you doing here?" I asked in a cracked and broken voice.
"Jazz let it slip you were here for winter break. I miss you Bella," Edward moved a little closer to me and I moved back into Alice. If he touched me I'd be screwed.
"I… can't do this. This needs to be… closure," the last word came out more as a whisper instead of the strength I had intended to put into my statement.
"You don't mean that. You're hurting as much as I am baby. I can see it in your eyes. Please Bella," Edward coaxed as he reached out toward me but I jerked out of his reach and sighed at the hurt look in his eyes that my actions caused.
"Don't touch her," Alice's voice was menacing and I wanted to smack her.
"Go away Alice, I need to talk to Edward alone please," I looked at her and she glared at Edward. I knew she didn't trust him or me for that matter but I just needed this closure with him.
"Fine but I'll be over there with Jasper," Alice pointed to Edward's car and I nodded before allowing myself to sit fully on the porch. Edward moved to sit next to me but I held up my hand to stop him.
"Please, keep your distance. I can't have you touching me," I whimpered and felt weak as another few tears fell from my eyes.
"Come on Bella, don't be like that. I fucking lo..." I slapped my hand over his mouth hard and watched as his eyes widened under the contact. The buzz of warmth that I always felt when we touched shot through my arm. I wanted to melt into it and let him hold me but instead I yanked my hand away from him.
"Please don't say that to me," I begged him as I looked into his eyes. I could see the red mark from my hand forming around his mouth and I felt intensely guilty.
"You know what? I'm not going to walk on eggshells with you! I love you Bella! I miss you and this shit is fucking wrong! I never slept with that bitch okay? You KNOW I was drunk and I thought she was you! I was so mad that you had canceled our webcam date and I was drowning in the pain I felt so I thought alcohol was a good idea! Fuck, you KNOW I would never have intentionally hurt you," Edward was panting by the time he finished his rant.
"I know that Edward," I simply said to him as I traced a wood pattern on the porch with my finger.
"Then what the fuck? You know how much this hurts. I feel like a piece of me has been ripped out of my chest Bella. Please…" Edward moved closer and sat down ignoring my protests. He grabbed my face in his hands and gently pulled me up to look at him. I could see the red rimming his watery eyes and the tear stains on his cheeks. I knew he could see the same thing on my face.
"I can't… it hurts too damn much when we're apart. It's just better this way," I begged him to understand that he couldn't kiss me like I knew he was planning to.
"I love you. We'll make it work this time," his voice was soft and rough as he pulled me closer to him. I could feel this warm, minty breath on my face.
"Please…" I begged and I wasn't sure anymore if I was begging him to stop or keep going. Edward took it as a keep going and his lips brushed against mine softly before he pulled back enough to look in my eyes. Whatever he saw encouraged him because he pushed himself forward and his lips met mine roughly. His hands slid back into my hair and he tightened his hold on me in desperation as our lips pulled and teased each other before his tongue drug along my lips causing me to gasp into the kiss.
"Bella, NO! Don't let him do this to you! You know it's only going to hurt more if you do this!" Alice cried out from somewhere but I couldn't find it in me to care that what she was saying was right.
"This isn't our business Alice," I could hear Jasper talking as Alice huffed. My lips were still connected to Edward and my hands were pulling at his hair. I was so confused and I didn't know if I was trying to pull him away or make him stay but as my head started to feel fuzzy and I became dizzy I finally removed my hands from his hair to shove at his chest until our connection was broken.
"No Edward, I can't do this. I'm sorry," I whispered as our foreheads came together and we were both gasping for air.
"FUCK YOU JASPER! You didn't hold her when she cried her heart out every night or force her to eat because she was losing so much weight you could see her fucking ribs! You didn't have to comfort her as she screamed out his name at night through her nightmares! This is my business!" Alice screamed and I felt a hand on my arm yanking me to my feet.
"Bella, please… we can talk about this. At least say we can be friends and talk… please," Edward begged as Alice tugged me to my door.
"E-mail me… we'll discuss it later," I gave him a half-smile and Alice spun on her heels and gave Edward the meanest look she could manage.
"You, stay away. I told you what I would do to you if I ever saw you again and I wasn't joking. You better just leave her alone and move on. I will not let you destroy her like that again," Alice growled and spit at Edward. I stared at her in shock and fear. That was a side of my best friend I had never seen, she didn't spit.
"Edward, we really should go," Jasper called and I turned away. I couldn't watch Edward walk out of my life again.
I stared at the door after Alice slammed it in my face. I was in shock at the way she had behaved. This was between Bella and me. I understood that I had hurt Bella and I wanted to make that fact right. Why was Alice screaming at me and spitting at me?
"Dude, what the hell is wrong with Alice?" I questioned Jasper as he helped me up and back to the car where he took the liberty to drive us back to my house.
"I'm sorry I didn't tell you what's been going on. I've kept in touch with Alice… we're like pen-pals I guess in a way. We e-mail and talk on the phone occasionally. She told me what it's been like for Bella and dude… it's not pretty. When she dropped 30 pounds her mom threatened to send her to a hospital," Jasper admitted and I stared at him.
"30 pounds?! She'd look like a skeleton with skin draped over her!" I cried out in disgust.
"Well, we all deal in our own ways. Apparently she's made friends with this Demetri guy and he's good for her. He really likes her and Alice said that she's pretty sure Bella likes him too. This is the reason she wanted you to stay away," Jasper kept talking but I stopped listening.
I had caused her more pain than I had imagined. While I was running around and trying to fuck her out of my system she was almost killing herself because of me. I felt sick to my stomach and my head was spinning.
"I am such an insensitive prick. No wonder Alice hates me," I sighed and laid my head against the window.
"Listen, if it helps you feel any better Bella still loves you and she only started getting really bad when you decided to stop contacting her. Alice said it was the last straw and that Bella felt like you had given up on her," Jasper flinched away when he saw the look on my face. I remember that conversation with perfect clarity because Jasper was the one who suggested it.
"Sometimes I really fucking hate you," I growled and looked away. Twice he had convinced me to make stupid mistakes that led to me hurting Bella. I decided right in that moment that I wouldn't be taking any more of his advice.
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