I could now feel it in my bones. The agitation that Brady had raised was irrelevant; this shit was serious. The excitement among my pack mates was high yet all the while annoying. How could we be so excited against the prospect of death? Never seeing our loved ones again didn't even register within the testosterone fueled protectors, yet it was all I could think about.
I'm glad I'm not fighting.
I couldn't imagine being ripped to shreds. Crying, in agony from death coming to you piece by piece…
But I was alone in my thoughts, ignored as usual as the senior members ran eagerly and running over tactics and strategies. Oaths to protect each other were made with passion, while we all shared that one last look. Reoccurring jokes on what the exact shade of grey Jared's fur was surfaced or just how much chocolaty-brown engulfed Quil. One last time for us to gaze up at Sam's deafening stance in one piece with nothing but reverence and intimidation. One last moment to look down at Leah in her less than average size but impressive speed, one last time to notice Seth's obnoxious hearing and chirpy aurora or even Jacob's deep and thickly infected thoughts of the one who started this all….
It was pretty fucking depressing, but as a pack we got through it. Even though Brady and I were separated by the second, I have never felt more close to them in my life.
Ya done there yet buddy? Brady snickered. I glared at him only to watch him continue with his sarcasm, you know, talking about your feelings and shit
I rolled my eyes but felt the hurt from his comment nonetheless. I was probably a little more sensitive than the average Quileute shape-shifting male, which by the way lot of the guys liked to point out scathingly. That is,nif they noticed me at all.
Shut up Brady I mustered up to say somehow even though I was feeling distraught. I'm always feeling that way when I'm patrol. I try not to think about things much because I only feel shitty afterwards. Why was I a punk? Why did I have so many feelings? Just some of the questions that escaped me.
Even now, I was afraid. Why was I the only one feeling like that?
Brady rolled his eyes as he examined my insecurity. This is why I fucking hated being a wolf so much. You're open to everyone seeing how shitty your life is and then you have to hear their take on everything; an outside opinion. I didn't want a fucking second opinion.
Just right when I thought that, I felt a pressure on one of my pack mates in my head. The fighting had begun. Brady and I effectively ignored it. We didn't know who was hitting who and I really didn't want to.
Chill your tits Brady said with venom I didn't know he was capable of. I'm not here to tell you how to fix your life. I'm here to run patrol
Even then I knew that was a lie. I could hear Brady making retorts, besides the yelling from the other mates, that his own brain couldn't control. Maybe you should grow some balls. You're not a punk. Get over yourself.
I am a punk. I defiantly said and thought of many reasons why. I was too much of a pussy to tell my parents the truth; I was the only one afraid of fighting newborn vampires and wasn't at all excited about fighting them. I was afraid of my pack mates, I was afraid of talking to Leah, I was afraid to take more than one muffin even when Emily insisted. I was afraid to defend myself. I am a punk, a self-loathing, pathetic punk.
Just then I heard more screaming in the background, but these were moments of joy. For a minute there, Brady and I just stood there, just watching the fight through Paul's aggressive eyes. I felt a happiness I couldn't explain as he and Jared just ripped into a newborn. The shredding, metallic sound was like music to my ears…
Then the second I felt that, guilt hit me like a ton of bricks. From what I knew, these vampires didn't choose this life. Some weird red headed leech changed a bunch of random, innocent lives. They were controlled by blood-lust. But did they choose that fate? I felt the pain for the enemy. A life was a life and the fact that just a couple weeks ago, these were innocent humans made me hate what the pack was doing now. Despite that, I understood what needed to be done.
You're not a punk. Brady said tiredly, eying me confusingly, as he tried to shift our focus you wouldn't be a wolf if you were
Bullshit. I managed to say, only thinking of how my whole life was centered around being afraid
You weren't a punk when you asked Macy Stevens out to the dance.
This took me by surprise. That's different.
It's not. What about the fact that you were the only kid in third grade that had the balls to climb the monkey bars? Or the only one to play his stupid guitar for the talent show?
Shocked again, I couldn't really reply to him.
Collin you're really a fucking idiot you know that right? We're all scared. The one thing you don't know how to do is read someone even if you share the same brain as them. We're all fucking scared.
I couldn't find it in myself to argue. I'm not excited about anything though
That's because you're some weird ass peaceful person who's into zen and shit. You're like Seth in that way...and there's nothing wrong with that, ass wipe. Accept yourself because you're little pity party is starting to annoy the fuck out of me. Besides, what's the point in being excited? We aren't doing shit but running in circles any-fuckin-ways
Before I could reply, another slam changed our vision. Quil just took down a big one. The fight was nearly ending, we were winning, no one was hurt, things were looking up...
It's easy enough for you to say. I said, irritatingly enough
What the hell is that supposed to mean? He said incredulously
It means you never have to deal with half the shit that I do because you have the courage to-
What courage? Because I don't let those bastards run me? Or because I told my parents who I truly was? It doesn't take courage to do that, Collin. It takes acceptance of yourself, Collin. That's your fucking problem. The minute you stop worrying about everybody else and realize that you pop into a furry little ball at night, the better.
But before I could even realize that Brady had done a great service for me. Before I could begin to recuperate and accept myself. Before I could finish my three hundred and twenty first lap around La Push, I felt a great crushing feeling and yelp of overriding pain
Jacob was in trouble.