If you don't like bathroom humor then this isn't for you. I own nothing.
"I'm serious, Jell-O. Go away." The cat, who wasn't even mine, continued to stare at me from the tiled bathroom floor. "I'm warning you, you won't like what's about to happen."
Again, no response from the feline, so I unbuttoned my jeans and along with my boxers, pulled them off of my legs and tossed them onto the floor. After grabbing my cell phone, I carefully sat down and pulled up a game of solitaire. All seemed fine until I felt the beady eyes of Jell-O watching me.
"Do you mind?" I harshly whispered. "Go bother Bella! Or Emmett!"
The cat simply meowed at me before padding his way over to my clothes. I watched, not at all amused, as he kneaded his way around my jeans and then laid down.
"Bella!" I yelled at the top of my lungs. It didn't take very long for her footsteps to echo up the stairway and then down the hallway to our bathroom.
"What, Edward? Emmett and I are baking a -"
"Please get your cat out of the bathroom. I'm trying to-"
"Oh no!" She called through the door. "I'm not opening the door! It smells horrible!"
I shook my head, wondering how the hell she had grown up with two brothers and still not been able to handle something like this. "Bella, please. Jell-O is staring at me and I can't-"
"Just ignore her." And like that, my girlfriend's footsteps retreated back down the hall and stairs.
"Awesome," I muttered to myself. "Just freaking awesome."
I glared down at Jell-O and then back at my phone. "I'm ignoring you."
As if she could sense that I was trying not to notice her, Jell-O abandoned her newly found bed and jumped up onto the counter next to me. I sighed before she let out another loud cat call.
Annoyed, and completely frustrated, I dropped my cell phone on the bathmat and lifted one of my legs. The noise that came next was shocking, both to Jell-O and to me. In a few seconds, the noise was forgotten and replaced by a repugnant stench. Covering my nose with my t-shirt, I watched as Jell-O gave me one more indigent meow and then jumped off of the counter. She used her paw to open the bathroom door and finally left me to my business.
As I was settling back in, I noticed that the damn cat had opened the door wide enough that it swung all the way open, leaving me naked from the waist down and sitting on a toilet.
"Bella!" I yelled again, hoping she wouldn't blow me off. I waited a few seconds and tried again. "Bella, I need your help!"
Giving up the idea that she was going to come to my rescue, I heaved myself off the toilet and tried to waddle my way to the bathroom door. It was mid waddle that Emmett, my life long best friend, came around the corner.
"Oh, what the fuck, Edward?"
Covering my wang, I just shook my head. "The fucking cat-"
Emmett held his hand up and shook his head. "You have more issues taking a shit than any other human being I know."
I just rolled my eyes and reverse-waddled back to the toilet. As my best friend was shutting the bathroom door, I called his name.
"Can you toss me some toilet paper?" I asked.
He sighed but did what I ask. Only, instead of gently tossing it to me, he chunked it right at my head. "Don't forget to wash your hands."
AN: This came from a random ass conversation about R/K living together and having to share a bathroom. I don't care if you believe they're together or not, the idea of Kristen's cat busting in on Rob "taking care of business" is hilarious. I bet that Rob is the type of guy that has to get completely naked before doing what he needs to do… and that makes it even funnier. Emmett is supposed to equal TomStu, making the hilariousness complete.