Based on 3x22 (To Love and Die in LA)

So I was watching the 6th Sneak Preview for Monday's episode for the millionth time and I thought: what is going through that girl's head? So I wrote it down. It starts after she close the door and ends with her opening it. Enjoy 3

Disclaimer: I am a couple bucks away from owning Castle but not just yet.


"Good night, Castle." She whispered as she gently closed the door in front of her. Her fingers lingered on the door knob as she heard it click closed and she stared at the paint in front of her. With an exhale of disbelief and disappointment, she leaned her back against the door and shook her head.

What was she thinking? She was dating a wonderful man who was so good to her and he understood her obsession with her work because he was just as obsessed with his. They had so much in common – they liked the same music, the same movies, mostly the same books – he would never admit it to her face but she knew that he hated Castle's books – and yet, they were just so incompatible that it was driving her crazy. She had no real reason to break up with Josh other than the fact that their relationship had reached a lull. But all couples reach lulls right?

Not yours and Castle's she reminded herself.

But that was different; she and Castle weren't a couple. Never had and probably never would be for the simple fact that she was a chicken. She wasn't stupid; she was very intelligent in fact.

Except when it came to men.

She couldn't figure out how Castle was even possible.

He was infuriating and lovable and childish and mature and impossible and perfect; all at the same time. Well correction: he wasn't perfect – far from it.

But he's perfect for you. There was that voice again; the one that sounded a little like her mother. Or was it that she sounded like her mother so when she talked to herself she got them mixed up? In any case, the voice in her head was wrong. She and Castle were not some star-crossed lovers who were destined to be together. They were just partners; and best friends; and lately, she had wondered… if maybe they were more. The little pick-me-up he had given her earlier was certainly more than friendship. It was indefinable; it was… Castle-ship.

A relationship like theirs deserved its own name.

A relationship like theirs sucked. It was so damned confusing all of the time. One minute she is yelling at him to leave her alone and act like an adult and the next she is envisioning herself bent over her desk with Castle undoing her pants with his teeth.

No one could function like this.

Sometimes it seemed like their entire relationship was run on sexual tension; but it wasn't. They had solid friendship to back them up. But wasn't that problem? Their friendship kept playing over and over in the back of her head, reminding her that she was the only one who was feeling more and that if she said anything, she would lose her best friend forever.

She felt more right? How much more was a serious question she had been avoiding asking herself. She liked him? Of course. As more than a friend? Maybe. She loved him? Absolutely not.

She couldn't love Richard Castle; there was no way she could. It was absolutely impossible to love someone like him and she knew it.

Then why did her heart flutter every time he smiled at her? Or every time he looked at her with those blue eyes that seemed to constantly be gazing into her soul. Didn't his eyes ever get tired of boring into hers? It was the same gaze he had just moments ago.

Oh god, he was going to kiss her wasn't he?

That's what that gaze meant.

But he always looked at her that way.

So he always wanted to kiss her?

That was ridiculous. That would mean that he felt the same way about her.

Did he?

Oh god, she ran her hands through her hair as she went over all of his expressions, letting her hands rest on her mouth for a moment.

He really did care about her – of that much she was certain – but everything else – the kissing and the love part – she wasn't certain.

The only way you're going to find out is if you open the door and ask him. Why did the voice always have to be right?

She gazed at the door for a long moment.

Could she do it? Could she just turn the door knob and open the door for him? Could she put her entire heart on the line to ask a simple question?

Wait; what was she doing? She was making this into more of a big deal than it was.

Was that why your hand hesitated on the door knob? Her fingers twitched as she realized the truth in her own words. Face it sweetie, there's more riding in a question like that than you're willing to admit.

If she asked Castle if he loved her and he said no, she would probably never be able to work with him again. She would think about him constantly but she wouldn't be able to let him bring her coffee every morning and spin ridiculous theories for her.

But if he said yes…

Life was about taking risks; calculated risks didn't always count. And in this case, she knew this was one of those uncalculated moments.

She opened the door and walked through.