"WHOLLY CRAPIMONY"
Captain N: The Game Master

Season 6

"WHOLLY CRAPIMONY"
WRITTEN BY
MARK MOORE
AND
LAURIE KELLEY


Thursday, August 24, 1995, 10:22 AM

Li Shiroshi stood over a lab table, working on her latest creation, a small robotic bat. She had been working on the small robot for two months and was almost halfway finished with it.
"Li, you have a visitor." Jazz walked into the lab, followed by a tall blond guy with dark skin.
"Simon, hi!" Li stopped what she was doing and walked up to the vampire hunter.
"Li,...I,...uh..." Simon knelt before Li and fished a small black box out of his coat pocket. He opened the box, revealing a rather expensive-looking ring, and looked up at her nervously. "Will you marry me?"
Li stood in silence for a moment, surprised by Simon's sudden proposal. Then she knelt down by Simon, wrapped her arms around his neck, and kissed him passionately. She then smiled at the vampire hunter. "Does that answer your question?"
Simon smiled back at the doctor, wrapped his arms around her, and returned the kiss.
"I'll,...uh,...leave you two alone..." Jazz smiled at the couple and walked out of the lab.

Kevin, Lana, Mike, Stacey, Rick, Romeo, Julius, Kid Icarus, Mega Man, Gameboy, and Duke sat around the TV in the living room, watching "Star Wars".
"Hi, guys." Li and Simon walked into the room.
"Hey, Li! What's up?" Kevin greeted the doctor.
Simon smiled at Li.
Li smiled back. "Simon and I are getting married!"
Rick smiled at the couple. "Awesome!"
"Congratulations, man!" Kevin shook Simon's hand.
"Hmm..." Lana looked away from the group.
Kevin put his left hand on Lana's right shoulder. "Something wrong?"
Lana looked up at Kevin. "I'm a little worried about this whole thing."
Kevin smiled. "Why? I think it's great that Simon and Li are getting married!"
"I don't know." Lana lowered her head. "I have a bad feeling about this."

Later on, Li walked into the kitchen. "Hey, Kevin?"
Kevin was just getting a can of Pepsi out of the fridge. "Yeah, Li?"
At that moment, Lana walked into the kitchen. She waited for Li to end her conversation with Kevin.
"You're a pretty cool guy." Li said.
Kevin opened the can. "Thanks." He took a swig.
"Will you please prepare the wedding party?"
Kevin grinned. "Sure!"
Li smiled. "Thanks. You're in charge of the location, decorations, refreshments, entertainment, and sending out the wedding invitations."
"Got it." Kevin left the kitchen.
Lana walked over to Li. "Li, can I talk with you?"
Li smiled. "Sure, Lana! What's up?!"
"Well,...I'm kind of concerned."
"Oh? About what?"
"About this wedding." Lana replied.
"What concerns you?" Li asked.
"Simon's the first guy you've fallen in love with, right?"
Li nodded. "Yeah."
"Well, Li, do you really think it's a good idea to marry your first boyfriend?"
"I don't see why not."
"Let me tell you why not." Lana said. "Li, by marrying Simon, you'll be committing yourself to him. Do you understand what that means?"
"Uh-huh."
Lana shook her head. "No, I don't think you do. So I'll explain it to you. You're agreeing to spend the rest of your life with him. By doing so, you're eliminating the possibility of having a romantic relationship with anyone else. This is a lifetime commitment. You're only in your twenties. I've seen people engaged at twenty years old! They have no business getting into a lifetime contract at so early an age! Wait 'til you're thirty before you start thinking of marriage. In the meantime, you should explore relationships with different people and see who you like the best."
"I...hadn't thought of that." Li admitted.
"And even if you do find a great person, it doesn't mean you have to marry them." Lana said. "Marriage is an archaic social tradition that is extremely outdated. It doesn't belong in an age of technology. The idea of people that grow up with technology getting married is such a stark contrast in my mind, I can hardly imagine it!"
"Well, Lana, Simon and I love each other." Li said. "I think marriage would be good for us."
"So you want to get married." Lana said. "All right, it's your decision. However, do you really think marrying a guy less than a year after you've fallen in love with him is really a long enough wait?"
Li shrugged. "I dunno. How long a wait do you suggest?"
"Five or six years." Lana replied.
"That's so long!" Li said.
"But it'll give you time to find out if you're marrying the right person. And you haven't even lived with Simon yet!"
"Is that important?" Li asked, confused.
"Is that important?!" Lana repeated in disbelief. "Li, you've agreed to live with a man for the rest of your life! You shouldn't do that unless you've lived with him for at least a few years! That way, you'll know his manner of living. You'll learn to do things like household chores together. You'll also have to share your belongings, like the TV and video games. If you marry him without living with him first, and then you find out you can't live with him, too late; you're stuck."
"I can't believe I didn't take that into consideration!" Li said. "But I'm sure we'll be able to work things out."
"And don't forget spousal abuse." Lana reminded her. "It's quite common."
Li gasped. "Simon would never abuse me! He's so sweet!"
"Li, you never know. He can be the sweetest person before you marry him. Then once he's got you, he'll be domineering. He'll want things done his way. He can hit you, mentally abuse you, rape you, or even kill you!"
"No!" Li yelled. "Simon's not like that!"
"I hope you're right." Lana said. "But still, it's a gamble. I just want you to realize that. Also, there's a chance that the marriage simply won't work out. 50% of all marriages end in divorce. Personally, I think those are crappy chances. I'd rather be unmarried than divorced."
"Is that it?" Li asked.
"I'm sure there's a lot of things I've left out," Lana said, "but yeah, that about covers it."
Li turned and walked away.

Li and Simon sat on Simon's bed, talking about the wedding.
"It won't be long now." Li smiled at her fiancé.
"Nope." Simon laid down on the bed and put his hands under his head. "Soon, you and I will be Mr. and Mrs. Simon Belmont."
"Unless I choose to keep my name." Li replied.
Simon looked at Li. "I would rather you change your name to Li Belmont."
Li looked back at Simon. "How would you feel if you had to change your name?"
"It's Castlevanian tradition!" Simon looked a little hurt. "All women take on the names of their husbands!"
Li sighed, stood up, and headed for the door.
"Where are you going?" Simon asked the young doctor as she walked away.
"I need to think this over." Li answered as she left the room.

Li walked into the living room, where Lana was sitting watching "Star Trek: Generations" on TV.
"Uh, Lana,...can I talk with you for a bit?" Li asked.
Lana turned off the TV and slid her legs off the couch. "Sure. What's up?"
Li sat down to Lana's right. "I am so angry! Simon wants - no, he expects me to take his last name when we get married!"
Lana groaned. "Oh, no. Li, tell him you don't want to."
"I can't! He says it's Castlevanian tradition. The wife always takes her husband's last name and drops her old one."
"How sexist." Lana said in disgust. "Well, Li, stand up to him!"
"I'm afraid." Li said. "He might not want to marry me if I don't want to become Li Belmont. I suppose I could hyphenate it and become Li Shiroshi-Belmont, or I can make my last name my middle name and become Li Shiroshi Belmont. He might agree to that."
"No! Stop right there!" Lana yelled. "Li, you do not have to do what he says or make compromises! You are your own person! If you want to remain Li Shiroshi, then stand up for your right to do so!"
"But even if he will marry me, there's a social stigma attached to Castlevanian women that don't take their husband's last names." Li said. "Maybe being a Belmont won't be so bad."
"Li, I personally hate the idea of women changing - or even altering - their last names when they get married." Lana told her. "A person's name is part of their identity. It's who they are. If you alter or change your last name, it's like you're becoming a new person!"
"But I am, I suppose." Li said. "I'm becoming a married woman."
"Let me finish." Lana said. "Your last name connects you to your ancestors. It's part of your heritage. It's the name you were born with. It's the name you should die with. Your last name should be held near and dear to your heart, not discarded like it were nothing! Also, your last name shouldn't become your middle name or only part of your last name in order to accommodate a stupid tradition - a male-begun tradition, I may add!" Lana took Li's hands in her own. "Li, if you love yourself, you will protect what's yours. You will not do something simply because tradition dictates it. Screw tradition! You can't let it influence your actions!"
Li stood up, smiling. "You're right, Lana! I'm gonna go to Simon and tell him I'm remaining Li Shiroshi, and if he doesn't like it, that's too bad!"
"Way to go!" Lana said with a grin. "And besides, you'll be saving yourself a lot of confusion!"
"What do you mean?"
"Well, you would have to change every current record of yourself to reflect the name change, and you'll have to think before answering when you have to give your full name to a person or on a form! By keeping your name the way it is, you'll be saving yourself a lot of trouble in the long run!"
"Yeah!" Li agreed. "Thanks, Lana!" She ran out of the room.
"Glad to help." Lana swung her feet back onto the couch and turned on the TV again.

"Simon!" Li walked over to the vampire hunter, who was still lying on the bed in his room.
"Li!" Simon sat up. "Have you made up your mind?"
"Yes. I'm going to remain Li Shiroshi." Li answered. "I know you want me to change my name, but I've had my name all my life and would rather not change it. Besides, it should be completely up to the woman whether she keeps her name or changes it."
"Fine, then." Simon looked away. "If it means that much to you, I won't make you change your name."
"Thank you!" Li kissed Simon.
"I wonder how our fellow Castlevanians are going to react to this." Simon muttered.
Li raised an eyebrow. "Our?"
"Yes. You, me, and those 'bots." Simon smiled. "Oh, well, it's not like they haven't had outsiders move there before."
"Hold on!" Li stared at Simon. "Who said anything about moving?"
"It would be nice to live back on my home world." Simon replied. "I didn't think you'd object. It's not like you've lived here all your life."
"Maybe..." Li walked away.
"What's she doing now?" Simon wondered as he watched Li leave the room.

Stacey and Lana were in Stacey's room, working out. Since it was very hot, and they were working up a sweat, they were wearing only short shorts and undershirts.
Lana had put a tape in Stacey's stereo, and they were dancing to a song:

I once was as quiet as a forgotten dream,
Losin' myself like a ghost in my own machine.
Then I lit your fire.
I've become a live wire.
Feel the power surgin'.
Your beat's urgin'

Turn me up!
Don't be afraid to play me loud!
Turn me up!
I like this song, so play it out.

Li walked into the room.
Lana and Stacey motioned for her to join them, and she did.
The three girls exercised together.

Now it's history, those forgotten dreams.
Feelin' the current move, I'm like a new machine.
Ooh, well, you're so excitin'.
Feels like lightnin'.
No more runnin'.
I hear the music come and

Turn me up!
Don't be afraid to play me loud!
Turn me up!
Oh-oh-oh.
I like this song, so play it out.

Turn me up!
Yeah, yeah.
I like this song, so play it out.

Turn me up!
Oh-oh-oh.
Turn me up and play me loud!

Turn me up!
Ooh-ooh-ooh.
I like this song, so play it out.

Turn me up!

Turn me up!
Yeah, yeah.
I like this song, so play it out.

Turn me up!
Oh-oh-oh...

After the song was over, Stacey turned off the stereo.
"Like, what's up, Li?" Stacey asked.
"I've got another problem with Simon." Li said. "He expects me to move to Castlevania with him!"
"But Megaland's your home." Lana said.
"I know!" Li said. "What do I do? I don't wanna become a vampire hunter!"
"You're a child of technology, Li." Lana said. "Megaland is where you belong."
"Totally!" Stacey agreed. "Simon's got some major problems if he expects you to give that up!"
Li nodded, smiling. "You're right, girls! I'm gonna tell Simon we're gonna live in my house!"
Li left the room.
"Like, do you think they'll really get married, Lana?" Stacey asked.
"I hope not."

"Simon." Li walked up to the vampire hunter yet again. "I want to stay in Megaland. This is the only place where I can work on my 'bots. Besides, I'd like to live near at least a few of my friends."
Simon looked away without responding.
"Maybe it's best if we try living together before we get married." Li suggested, remembering Lana's advice.
Simon sighed. "Perhaps we should."
Li smiled at Simon and put her hand on his shoulder. "Come on! We can live at my house - at least until the wedding!"
"I guess." Simon forced a smile.

Friday, August 25, 1995, 8:15 AM

Li stood over a lab table, working on her new robot.
"Li? Are you in here, my love?" Simon walked into the lab.
Li smiled at the vampire hunter. "Good morning, Simon! Sleep well?"
Simon nodded and walked over to the doctor. "And you?"
Li shrugged. "I got in a couple hours. My excitement about the wedding kept me awake for most of the night."
Simon smiled. "I can't wait until the honeymoon! We'll finally be able to prove our love for each other!"
"Uh,...yeah..." Li continued to work, not turning away from her creation.

Lana was with Princess Zelda in her bedroom. The lights were dim. 'Everybody Wants to Rule the World' by Tears For Fears was playing on the stereo. The two girls were currently lying on Lana's bed, wearing only bikinis. Zelda was lying on her back.
Lana was licking Zelda's stomach. She flicked her tongue over Zelda's navel a few times, then licked her way upward, leaving a trail of saliva behind. A piece of clothing - the top of Zelda's blue bikini - disappointed Lana, but she got over it. Lana ran her tongue up Zelda's neck, over her chin, and finally over her mouth.

Welcome to your life.
There's no turning back.
Even while we sleep,
We will find you
Acting on your best behavior.
Turn your back on Mother Nature.
Everybody wants to rule the world.

Zelda opened her mouth and admitted Lana's tongue. She placed her hands on the back of Lana's head and pulled her closer. After Zelda had had enough of the oral assault on her mouth, she forced her tongue into Lana's mouth. It became a game of dueling tongues as each girl tried to outdo the other, shifting the mutual licking action back and forth between each other's mouths. Their tongues slipped and slid together in lust.
Just then, the door to Lana's room slid open, and Li walked inside.
"Lana, you got a minute?" Li stopped in her tracks and blushed. "Whoops! Sorry!"
Lana and Zelda groaned and sat up.
"Li, you're supposed to chime before you walk in." Lana said.
"Well, your door was unlocked." Li said. She turned up the lights. "I have another problem."
Lana sighed. "What a surprise. Well, have a seat. What do you need?"
Li sat down to Lana's right. "Sex."
"That I won't give you."
Li laughed. "No, I mean I need you to clear some things up for me."
Lana raised an eyebrow. "You mean you didn't learn about this in school?"
Li gave Lana a playful punch on the shoulder. "Stop it!"
Lana laughed. "Okay, what do you need?"
Li sighed. "Simon,...well,...he wants to have sex with me on our wedding night. Actually, he expects it."
"Most guys do." Lana told her. "Do you want to have sex?"
"Well, I knew we would eventually." Li said. "But I really don't want to this early in the marriage."
"Then don't."
"But Simon will be disappointed."
"Screw him." Lana caught herself. "Ack! Bad choice of words! Just tell Simon you don't want to have sex until you've been together for a few years and are fairly confident the marriage won't end in divorce."
"I can wait that long, but I don't know about Simon." Li said. "And a few years together doesn't guarantee our marriage will last."
"No, it doesn't." Lana agreed. "You can wait a few years, have sex with your husband, then get divorced a while later, and you'll end having had sex with someone who wasn't going to be your permanent mate."
"What if Simon needs sex so bad, he tries to pressure me into it?" Li asked.
"Li, first of all, no one needs sex. They only think they do." Lana clarified. "I'm 21 years old, and I'm still a virgin. That's something to be proud of. I don't feel like I'm missing out on having sex."
"Well, what about you and Zelda?"
"Zelda and I just kiss. We don't have sex." Lana said.
"And you're a great kisser at that!" Zelda said, then licked Lana on the mouth.

I can't stand this indecision,
Married with a lack of vision.
Everybody wants to rule the world.

Lana smiled. "Thank you, Z." She faced Li. "I'm not planning on having sex with Zelda, Kristen, Kevin, or anyone else. Now, as for Simon pressuring you, resist him! Don't give in! And if he tries to rape you, well,...I hope you can defend yourself."
"I know Karate. I can kick his ass." Li said. "But I don't think he'll go that far."
Lana shrugged.

All for freedom and for pleasure.
Nothing ever lasts forever.
Everybody wants to rule the world.

"Now what if I find that I want sex?" Li asked. "What do I do when I'm...excited?"
"You've got a hand. Use it." Lana replied. "That's my choice every time. That's how I'm still a virgin."
Li nodded. "My hand. I'll keep that in mind. Now, what about kids? Simon wants kids. I don't."
"Don't have any." Lana replied. "Women do not deserve the burden of carrying around a kid in their body for nine months. Giving birth is also painful - sometimes deadly, as I well know. Even in Megaland, with its technological capability to develop the babies outside the mother's body and spare her the punishment called pregnancy, there's also the simple fact that kids are annoying! Do you really want to get up in the middle of the night to feed them or change their diapers? And milk coming out of your tits is gross and bothersome. It's like you're having a period on your breasts."
Li laughed. "So, what do I do?"
"Well, if you haven't already done so, go to a clinic and have your womb removed, but keep your ovaries. It's a simple teleportation procedure. I had it done on my twelfth birthday, after my first menstruation."
"So, I guess I won't have kids, huh?" Li asked.
"You won't miss anything." Lana insisted. "Just immature kids running around the house, demanding your attention, screaming, breaking stuff, - "
"I'm going to the clinic!" Li yelled, her mind suddenly made up.
Lana smiled.
Li sighed. "Boy, this marriage stuff is full of uncertainties, isn't it?!"
"Good observation." Lana said. "You're learning."
Li stood up. "Thanks, Lana. I'm gonna go tell Simon I'm not having sex with him on our wedding night!"
"Good luck, Li!" Lana said.
"Yeah, good luck!" Zelda added.
Li walked out of the room.
Lana and Zelda faced each other and sent out their tongues to dance with each other.

Late that night, Li and Simon laid on their sides in Li's bed, facing each other.
"You know," Simon stared lovingly at his fiancé, "we'll be wed by tomorrow night. We're practically married now."
Li smiled at Simon. "Yeah."
Simon smiled back. "No one said we had to wait for the honeymoon."
Li shook her head. "Simon,..."
Simon frowned. "What? We'll be married tomorrow! What's it matter if we have our fun tonight?"
"I'd rather wait until we're married," Li replied, "and then only if I want to."
"But - " Simon started.
"It'll be more enjoyable if we both want it." Li interrupted.
"I guess so." Simon turned to face the wall. "Will you be ready once we get married?"
"No." Li answered.
Simon stared at her. Li returned the stare for a moment, then turned away from him.
"Don't try anything." Li warned, then dozed off to sleep.

Saturday, August 26, 1995, 5:57 PM

"No, I'm not!" Li yelled.
"Yes, you are!" Simon yelled back.
Lana walked into the living room. "Hey! Hey! What are you two arguing about?!"
Li faced Lana. "Lana, Simon wants me to get married in a traditional Castlevanian ceremony! Their religion is so eerie! I am not getting married like that!"
"Oh, yes, you are!" Simon yelled.
"You guys aren't even married yet, and you're already fighting." Lana commented. "Kinda makes you wonder if you're doing the right thing."
"Lana, how does a Megaland wedding ceremony go?" Li asked.
"We don't have one." Lana replied. "The people of Megaland don't get married. It spares everybody a lot of suffering and saves them time and credits."
"Then what kind of ceremony can we use?" Li asked.
"It has to be Castlevanian." Simon insisted.
"I suppose I could go to Earth and get a priest." Lana pondered. "Castlevanianism is basically just a darker, more depressing version of Catholicism."
"Lana, I'm as much Catholic as I am Japanese." Li said. "Something non-religious, please."
"Absolutely not!" Simon yelled.
"Shut up, Simon!" Li yelled.
"Shut up, both of you!" Lana yelled. "I'll marry you! As Ruler of Videoland, I have the authority!"
"You?" Li asked in surprise. "I thought you didn't approve of this wedding."
"I don't." Lana said. "But if you insist on entering a life of suffering, you should be led into it by a good friend."
Li hugged her. "Thank you, Lana!"
Lana looked at Simon. "Simon, do you approve?"
Simon sighed. "Very well."
"Great. The wedding's at 7:30 PM." Lana said. "Don't keep me waiting."

"Simon? What's wrong?" Li walked up to her soon-to-be husband, who was standing in the hallway, his gaze fixed on a spot on the floor.
Simon sighed. "This marriage is far from how I pictured it. I'm betraying Castlevanian tradition by letting you keep your name, and we'll be staying in Megaland instead of on Castlevania. I figured I'd at least get to have some say in this."
"Well, you can't expect me to change my identity and how I live." Li looked into Simon's eyes. "My life's been one big change after another. I want things to stay the same for once!"
"What about what I want?" Simon asked. "We're doing everything your way! I want to have my way, too!"
Li sighed. "I'm beginning to wonder if this marriage is such a good idea." She walked away.
Simon watched her go, then directed his gaze back to the floor.

The giant recreation room was converted for the wedding.
All the guests were seated: Kevin, Mike, Stacey, Rick, Romeo, Julius, Mega Man, Kid Icarus, Duke, Dr. Right, Proto Man, Mega Girl, Michael, Tempo, Jazz, Link, Zelda, Spryte, Kristen, Heather, and Kenneth.
Lana was standing at the front of the room. She checked her watch. It was 7:35 PM.
Lana sighed. "They're probably arguing again."
Suddenly, Li and Simon walked into the room.
"No, I will not get carried over the threshold!" Li said. "I can walk just fine on my own!"
"Yes, you will!" Simon yelled back. "It's tradition!"
"It's a stupid tradition!" Li yelled.
"Can I call it or what?" Lana asked herself with a smile.
Li and Simon walked up to Lana.
"You may begin." Simon said.
Lana smiled and gave Simon a bow. "Thank you. Okay, before I begin, I wish to inform all of you that this will not be any traditional wedding. It will have very little form to it, and, since this is the very first marriage ceremony I've ever performed, I'm gonna wing it."
Simon looked at Li. "Are you sure you wanna do it this way?"
Li looked at him. "Yes, now shut up and let the woman talk."
The two of them faced Lana.
"Okay, we're here cuz you two wanna get married." Lana said. "Personally, I think it's a big mistake that you'll regret, but I can't do anything about it. Anyway, Li Shiroshi, do you take Simon Belmont to be your lawful husband to live with until you die, when insects consume your rotting flesh?"
Li was silent as she considered this.
"Well, go on!" Simon said. "Answer her!"
Li smiled. "I do not!"
"What?!" Simon yelled.
"Sorry, Simon, but marriage is too restrictive for me!" Li said.
Lana hugged Li. "Congratulations!" She then let go. "Okay, so much for that. Thanks for coming, everyone."
The guests got up.
Kevin ran over to Lana. "Lana, we gotta have the wedding party!"
Lana laughed. "Kevin, there was no wedding."
"Lana, I got someone very important to appear. We're having the wedding party." Kevin faced the guests. "Folks, join us outside for the wedding party!"

The wedding party was held on the N Team's front lawn. Captain N & The Video Game Masters were performing on a makeshift stage. The guests were drinking Pepsi and having a great time.
As the band started playing a new song, Kevin said "This song is for the would-be newlyweds!"
Simon and Li joined hands and began dancing on the lawn.
Lana leaned over to Kevin. "I can't believe you hired Billy Idol as the wedding singer!"
Billy Idol walked to the front of the stage, microphone in hand, and began singing:

Hey, little sister, what have you done?
Hey, little sister, who's the only one?
Hey, little sister, who's your Superman?
Hey, little sister, who's the one you want?
Hey, little sister, shotgun.

It's a nice day to start again.
It's a nice day for a white wedding.
It's a nice day to start again.

"How are we going to erase his memory?" Lana asked.
Kevin shook his head. "He promised he wouldn't tell anyone."

Hey, little sister, what have you done?
Hey, little sister, who's the only one?
I've been away for so long.
I've been away for so long.
I let you go for so long.

It's a nice day to start again.
C'mon, it's a nice day for a white wedding.
It's a nice day to start again.

"You're not mad at me?" Li asked.
"Not really." Simon said. "I guess marriage isn't for us. We have too many differences."
Li smiled. "But we have one thing in common. We love each other."
They kissed.

There is nothing fair in this world, girl.
There is nothing safe in this world,
And there's nothing sure in this world,
And there's nothing pure in this world,
And if there's something left in this world,
Start again!

GAME OVER
Copyright © 1999 by Mark Moore and Laurie Kelley