Disclaimer: fma doesn´t belong to me and unfortunately it most likely never will ;_;
Summary: "It was the bet of the year, though technically, it couldn´t even be called a bet anymore.
It was more like a battle, one of the hardest battles he'd ever fought. Roy Mustang against three people. Roy Mustang against piles of paperwork. And Roy Mustang against sex."
Warning: be prepared for a lot of UST and teasing :D
(And I´ll be prepared to be threatened and cursed ;P)
Warnings may increase as the story continues.
Another Warning: ´s format options are c$%$%
"Letters, reports etc...and…"
A bit and fat thank you to ca11iope for the beta :-D I wouldn´t dare to put this in the net without you.
Enough a/n, enjoy!
The Bet of the Year
It was the bet of the year, though technically, it couldn´t even be called a bet anymore.
It was more like a battle, one of the hardest battles he'd ever fought. Roy Mustang against three people. Roy Mustang against piles of paperwork. And Roy Mustang against sex.
Like any other man, except maybe a few poor souls who admitted their weakness, Roy was convinced that he was not a slave to his own body. He was certain that he was in perfect control of himself. After all, he was the famous Flame Alchemist, a man who had perfected one of the most dangerous forms of alchemy. Without his famous self control that would not have been possible.
And for that very reason, he was sure it wouldn´t be too hard to win this bet, even considering his opponents. Really, he would have thought that at least Hughes would have known better than to challenge him, though it didn´t surprise Roy that both Havoc and Hawkeye were participating. Not if one considered the wager and the terms of the bet. Roy had to grit his teeth at their blatant display of confidence. Confidence in the fact that Roy would never manage to hold out. Roy suspected that the only reason Hughes was involved – at least the only reason Roy could think of – must be that his friend was beginning to get desperate in his attempts to get Roy to marry. Maes was definitely jumping at the chance to hook Roy up with someone, even though he had to know that the chance of that actually happening was very small.
"Even smaller than Fullmetal." Roy mused, half amused and half disappointed that the person in question wasn't currently available to hear this particular insult. Well, perhaps Roy could store the slight away for future use. Hawkeye had mentioned that Edward was moving back to Central. Wait, he had already, since the team had been discussing the welcome back party the other day. Even through Roy had been invited, he'd skipped the chance to see his favourite target for insults. Maybe he should look the kid up, perhaps to catch up on this. Or maybe not. Fullmetal had always been able to irritate him to no end. For the slim possibility that the bet would make Roy a bit edgy, Edward Elric was definitely the last thing his nerves would need. Not that the bet would have that much of an impact on him mind you. But it was the perfect excuse to spare his nerves. Which was necessary, since they were being trampled on by his three opponents at the moment.
"Have you all lost your minds?"
The Colonels irritated voice didn´t have the desired effect. At least Havoc crushed his poor cigarette between his teeth, ruining it Roy noticed with a small amount of smug satisfaction. Unfortunately, neither Hughes nor Hawkeye had a comparable reaction. The former just grinned widely, even as he received a threatening glance from the Flame Alchemist. Hughes seemed determined to play his advantages to the fullest. Ever since he barely survived his attempted murder by the homunculi, Roy had been very hesitant to threaten his friend by snapping and setting him or his environment on fire.
"We deemed it necessary, Sir." Four identical stacks of paper were placed in front of him as Hawkeye continued. "This may not be an official document, but considered the nature of the wager, we believe the conditions should be made very clear."
"So you can´t talk you´re way out of it, Roy," added Hughes, and his grin widened, though Roy wouldn´t have believed this to be possible a moment ago. Of course Maes took the same moment to pull out a photograph and cuddle the thing. "I´m going to find you a woman almost as good as my Gracia, though no one could possibly be as beautiful as my loving wife," he said with an unmanly squeak. "My darling Gracia and my adorable Elicia are waiting for me to come home, so sign the paper already." By the end of the sentence, the embarrassing man in front of him disappeared and made room for a sharp eyed, creepy war veteran with a knife. It certainly didn´t help that he got assistance from Hawkeye's gun, pointed at Roy.
Staring at both the weapons and their owners, Roy sighed and took a glance at the sheet, while he reached for his pen. As expected, the terms of their bet were accurately described. Including the reason why Roy even accepted it.
"If Roy Mustang wins this bet, Riza Hawkeye, Jean Havoc and Maes Hughes agree to the following:
Maes Hughes stops any attempts to pair Roy Mustang with any person he may or may not deem a proper partner for Roy Mustang. He will no longer arrange blind dates, send photos and/or contact dates to marriage brokers and will not put any more adverts in any paper. He will no longer announce any information about Roy Mustang on the radio and will be forbidden to comment on the dating habits of Roy Mustang.
Riza Hawkeye will not shoot her commanding officer for being behind schedule. This pertains not only to the amount of unfinished paperwork, but to being late in the morning as well. Black coffee is to be served by Riza Hawkeye every morning and will be delivered while Lt. Hawkeye wears a miniskirt.
If Roy Mustang deems it necessary to leave the office early to prepare for a date, he is free to leave (limited to two hours before the end of the work day or lunch break, and is not to be used more than once a week).
Any paperwork that is not finished within the time range of two days before its dead line will be taken care of by Jean Havoc and Riza Hawkeye."
These terms were the main reasons Roy was doing this. There was one more, involving Havoc, otherwise the man would be getting off to easy. Since Havoc would not only benefit from the outcome of the wager in case Roy lost, but also as the bet was going on, some equivalent exchange was in order. If the blond was reaping the benefits, then he would sure as hell suffer for it. If Roy won the bet, Havoc would become his free errand runner, chauffeur, and of course personal secretary to sort his incoming mail and do a lot of Roy's paperwork for him.
Naturally, the possibility of not only being freed from Hughes attempts to find a suitable bride for him, but also from a whole lot of paperwork, was just too great a temptation. Roy would be more or less able to just pick the work he wanted to do – and yes, that kind of work did indeed exist, thank you very much.
Unfortunately, every bet has its downside: the possibility of losing it. And the terms for this one were the definition of torture.
For example, dating every woman Maes Hughes introduced to him at least twice. And yes, he had to be respectful. And no, not just for sex. Roy would have to actually try and get to know the girls. Hughes even went so far as to include a passage to stipulate that Roy had to date every woman at least twice before he could take her to his bed. And only one person at a time. Roy shuddered at the thought.
But a true man honours his debts. Especially gambling debts. Riza Hawkeye's would be that Roy actually finish his paperwork on time, all the time. Jean Havoc would win an introduction to a woman of his choosing from Roy's infamous black book at least once a week, and Roy would also have to make the arrangements for these dates. And pay for the arrangements, although Havoc would pay for things like food himself at least, even if that was just to show off.
One might express the opinion that this was not equivalent at all. After all, the paperwork was part of Roy's job. Dating women wasn´t the worst of punishments, even if he had to cut his regular habits. It even might do him some good. And helping Havoc to find a woman? One might consider this something every friend should try to help with.
However, anybody – at least any male and certainly everyone who knew Roy – would definitely agree that the final condition was the worst one possible to impose on the Flame Alchemist, the hardest one he would be forced to endure, once they read the terms of the bet.
For the entire time period of the wager.
No sex. As in no sexual activities whatsoever. No blowjobs, no groping, no humping, no petting. And to top it off: no masturbation. Hughes and Havoc had gone out of their way to write a whole damn essay about what he was not allowed to do. The latter especially took an almost sadistic glee in pointing out his ideas. Some of them were even quite disturbing. It still surprised Roy how creative a man could be if he wasn't getting laid regularly, as Havoc clearly wasn't. But to put it as bluntly as possible: no ejaculation for one month. Exactly one month.
One measly little month of abstention in exchange for one year of freedom from paperwork and blind dates.
One month of sacrifice.
He could do this.
"I give you one week," was the first thing Havoc said.
"Maybe two weeks," added Hawkeye.
And Hughes, knowing him the best, declared, "Three days."
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Really, they are like cookies for the writer (the double choc ones XD~~~)