A/N: First, I know that the likelihood of House having one kid is tiny, and four is just unthinkable! But imagine for the purposes of this story that him having is not insane, kay? And the kids are Dylan, 9, Bella, 8, Nate, 6, and Joy, 4 :) Enjoy!
House pulled the biggest, most intimidating I-am-your-father chair over from the corner of the room and placed it ominously in front of the couch. He sat down heavily, and stared at the confused and unblinking eyes of his four children, who looked perturbed that their notoriously unhelpful father had actually moved something.
Dylan, Bella, Nate and Joy House sat in a conglomeration of grazes, scrapes, Hello Kitty adhesive bandages and chocolate milk stains, watching their father inquisitively.
He took a breath. "Okay kids," he started nervously, "today I'm going to tell you all about sex."
Dylan shook his head. "Don't worry Dad, I already know all about sex," he said proudly, a wide grin spreading across his face. "This kid in my class has this older brother, who has these magazines, which he brought to show us - "
"Yeah yeah," House interrupted hurriedly. "That's not sex, that's porn. I'm saving that conversation for another day when it's just me and you and I know your mother isn't going to want a summary when she gets back. I have a lot to show you."
"House," Wilson coughed, "Cuddy's going to be back in one hour. You better hurry this up."
"What's sex, Daddy?" Joy asked, leaning on her hands. "Is it a game?"
House pondered this. "Getting it is a game . . . the actual sex is more of a sport."
"Like soccer?" Nate asked. "'Cause I'm really good at soccer."
"Sure you are buddy," House chuckled, thinking. "Well . . . it's not played like soccer, but scoring sure is the main goal."
"House!" Wilson chastised. "They aren't learning anything."
"I am!" Bella jumped up. "Sex is like soccer! Do they do it in gym?"
"No!" House said sternly. "And if any of your coaches ever suggest it, you call me, and then you call the police. Got it?"
Dylan frowned. "We have to call the police if someone tries to have sex with us?"
"No. Well, only if you don't want to have sex with them . . . " He tried fruitlessly, feeling like he was getting off topic.
"But you said in gym," Bella reminded gleefully. "So what if I want to have sex in gym? Maybe I want to, Daddy," she grinned, always the rebellious one. If only she knew what she was agreeing to. She was like her father in the sense that she hated doing what anyone else told her to.
"Trust me, you don't," Wilson interjected.
"Wilson," House hissed, "I'm dealing with this."
"Not very well!" Wilson hissed back. "So far all they've learnt is that they should call the cops if someone tries it on with them and that Phys Ed is a good time to jump the teacher if you want to piss off your parents."
"Alright guys, regroup," he flipped back to his kids. "You know the difference between boys and girls, right? And please say you do 'cause I'm not in the mood for an anatomy lesson."
"Uh yeah," Bella smirked. "Girls are the best and boys suck."
"Shut up," Dylan sneered, throwing a pillow at his younger sister. "I'm bigger than you."
"You smell," she retorted.
"Yeah!" Joy jumped up, clapping. "Boys smell! Ha!" She was too young to have really grasped the concept of an argument and generally took the side of whoever'd just finished speaking. While it was ineffective for aiding a fight, it did ensure that she won every time.
House rolled his eyes. "I'm talking about jiggly bits."
"Boobies?" Nate asked. "Those are Mom's jiggly bits."
"I know," House smirked. "Weren't quite as jiggly before she popped out the four of you. They were - " But after catching Wilson's eye he stopped. "Doesn't matter. Mom has great boobs, but I'm not talking about those bits, I'm talking about the other bits. The one Daddy's got."
All four were silent for a second. "Your tummy?" Joy guessed.
House was horrified. "Hey! My tummy is not jiggly."
"Yeah it is!" Bella squealed, running over and throwing herself onto her father's lap. "You're all squishy," she mumbled into the soft fabric of his shirt which was covering his stomach. "That's why I still hug you even when I don't like you."
"Thanks sweetness," House said sarcastically, fully aware that she wouldn't get the sarcasm at all. "But I'm talking about bits that me and Dylan and Nate have, but not you and Joy and Mom. Okay?"
Wilson cleared his throat. "You know I've got one too, right House?"
House raised his eyebrows. "The jury's still out on that one buddy. Don't worry, I'm pulling for you."
Bella got off House and went back to the couch. "I know I know I know," she chanted.
"So do I," Dylan sneered. "You think I'm stupid?"
"Yeah." Bella joked. "Always, big brother."
House sighed. The most argumentative of his four children were definitely those two, and it was tiring as hell trying to keep the pair of them from killing one another. However, he suspected that their passion for fights stemmed from the longest exposure to their parents.
"Um . . . " Joy wondered. "I forgotted what's it called."
"Pea-kiss?" Nate asked. "Is that it?"
"Close enough," House nodded. "Okay, so you get the penis - "
"Daddy," Joy interrupted, clearly bored by the beginning of his explanation, "why do people have sex?"
House chuckled. "Because women want things and that's the best way to get them - word of advice girls, men are stupid in the throes - "
"Stop it," Wilson hissed. "Cuddy is going to castrate you when she gets back."
"That really would be a fitting punishment," House agreed. "And considering she's popped out four rugrats, I think castration isn't necessarily an unthinkable option."
"I'm SO confused," Bella whined. "You're being a poopy head."
"Grown ups have sex so they can make babies," Wilson answered. "There's a sperm and an egg and they join to make a baby."
"She said teach them about sex," House chided. "Not give them a biology lesson."
"What's a sperm like?" Nate asked.
"Like . . . a little fish," House improvised. "It's got a head and a long tail and it swims."
"Ew," Joy wrinkled her pert little nose. "I don't like fishies."
"You don't have sperm," House told her. "You and Belle have eggs."
"Ooh!" Bella clapped. "Are they sparkly? 'Cause I would love sparkly eggs. They could have glitter! Do we have glittery eggs, Dad?"
"Yes." House answered, flashing an apologetic glance at Wilson. "They're all shiny and glittery and they make babies with fishies. Got it?"
"Do the fishies need armbands?" Joy piped up. "'Cause I can't swim without armbands."
"No. Joy, they're fish. They're born to swim." House rolled his eyes. The promise of sex sure was a powerful thing, considering that the current sex and the idea of future sex had convinced him somehow that having not one, not two, not three, but four children was a good idea. "But anyway, that's irrelevant. That's how to make babies, not to have sex." He thought. "Where were we again?"
"Penises," Dylan smirked.
"Great. So, you get the penis and . . . take it away, Wilson!" House span round, grinning at his blushing best friend.
"Uh. Right, penis. The daddy has a penis, the mommy has a vagina, and when they love each other - "
"Oh God," House groaned.
" - something magic takes place. There you go."
House frowned. "Okay, I think I need another Sex Ed lesson after that pathetic excuse for an explanation."
"They're your children. And I'm not the one who's gonna be beaten in . . . half an hour when my pissed off wife comes back and the kids aren't fully clued in."
"Yes, but it's only because you got your too-young-for-you new girlfriend knocked up and my kids saw her and asked questions that Cuddy's making me tell them. Ergo, your fault," he said breezily. Truth was, he didn't wanted to corrupt his four kids, let alone his two beautiful daughters. He could just imagine them ending up on "Sixteen and Pregnant" and voiceover guy saying And it all started from damagingly early exposure to sex . . .
House shuddered. "Don't listen to him. Remember, he's an idiot. We don't listen to Uncle Wilson unless we're looking for a epiphany."
"What's an e - pip - " Joy began, but Dylan put his hand over her mouth.
"Shut up Joy," he growled. "Or Mom's gonna beat up Dad."
"Hey!" House exclaimed, offended. "Mom could not beat me up."
Dylan chuckled. "Be serious, Dad. She'd kick your ass."
House scowled at his son. "Good to know I raised such a loyal and supportive son . . . the payouts from my will just got a third bigger for your siblings," he smirked.
"Whatever. By the way, you suck at teaching sex too." Dylan slid down on the couch and folded his arms.
House moaned. "It's hard, alright kid? Give me some credit."
The four of them said nothing, just exchanged typically Housian looks that said: Dad's an idiot. House frowned, recognising that expression on their angelic faces.
"The daddy gets his penis, and after it's . . . standing to attention, he puts it in the mommy's vagina and they move around a lot, and bam! they've had sex. If they're really unlucky, they make a baby." He rushed, watching his children's faces contort.
There was a moment of silence, then . . . "EW!" Bella screeched. "Dad! That's . . . gross! How could you do that with Mom?"
"Daddy?" Joy whimpered, eyes filling with tears.
"I think I'm gonna throw up," Dylan whispered.
"You're lying!" Nate jumped up, pointing accusingly at his father. "There's no way anyone would do that! Yuck!"
"It's not yuck . . . " House tried to comfort them. "It's . . . fun."
"Fun?" Dylan yelled. "You have to . . . ew!"
"It's different when you're a grown up," Wilson stepped in, this time House was grateful for the help. "And none of you should be doing that before you're - "
"Thirty," House interrupted. "Well, boys you're alright. Just stay safe. But you two," he rounded on the sobbing Joy and horrified Bella, "thirty, at the minimum."
"I never ever want to have sex!" Bella shouted. "Ever! I hate you, Dad! You ruined everything!"
"I want Mommy," Joy sobbed on the couch, her face going red.
Nate was being pretty quiet. "How do dogs do it?"
House stared at his youngest son. "Seriously?"
"Yeah . . . " Nate said.
"The same way as us, dude," House replied, "high five!"
"Nate!" Dylan leapt inbetween his father and brother. "Do not touch that hand. We don't know where it's been."
Nate just looked confused. He slid off the couch and went over to his toys that were in a bundle in the corner. He lifted up his matchbox cars and his plastic tiger and seem utterly perplexed by the lack of genitals.
Joy was curled in a little ball. "Me don't like sex," she cooed, talking like a toddler. "No no no," she repeated shaking her head.
"Well," Wilson drawled, placing a hand on House's shoulder. "This is going well."
House was silent. "If I die under mysterious circumstances, suspect Cuddy," he muttered after a moment.
Wilson glanced at his watch. "Crap," he said. "See you, House."
"Why?" House shouted as Wilson shot out of the door, and left him surrounded by screeching bawling kids. "Guys," House tried to reason, "calm down . . . "
Just then, a key turned in the lock. "Hello?" Cuddy called out. "I'm home!"
"Mama!" Joy shouted, and sprinted off toward the sound of her mother's voice. The other three children did the same. "Mom! Momma! Mama!" Whichever endearment the children went with using they all shouted simultaneously.
"Mom, how could you and Dad?" Bella accused. "You are disgusting."
"I forgive you for what you did," Nate smiled, hugging his mother. "But I'm disappointed." He scowled.
"M-m-m-mommy!" Joy wailed and threw herself into her mother's arms. Cuddy raised her eyebrows as she toppled backward onto the floor and had all of her children bundling her.
House stepped into the hall and smiled. "Welcome home, honey."
"I said explain, not traumatise!" She hissed, through gritted teeth.
"Hey, I'm a guy. My memories of sex are all fuzzy and muddled. Can't blame me," he shrugged. "But you may need to spend the evening performing damage control."
"Well, sweetheart," she hissed in his ear she stood up, "until you rectify this and stop my children from all needing therapy, you can be sure that you won't be getting anything to do with what you'd failed to explain . . . understand?" She smiled devilishly.
He nipped at her ear. "Witch," he whispered, and turned to the children. "Guys, so the thing with sex is . . . "