Disclaimer: I don't own anything, just my ideas and my creations.
A.N.: Things are coming to an end in this story… We're getting close to the ending.
Early in his life, he started questioning God's existence. He's been through enough shit in his life to do so: drunken abusive dad, bankrupts, teenage pregnancy, juvie, you choose.
However, he has to admit that when Beth came to his life, he thanked God. Yes, he thinks teenage pregnancy made his life shitty, but he also knows that he is a better person when he has to take care of someone or when he wants to make someone proud.
He was a good kid as a child, not innocent (seriously, no) but he wanted to make his father proud, so he was awesome. Then his dad left…
But he had a sister to take care of, so he was a little devil but still responsible when needed, then his sister got big enough to take care of herself and become 'annoying little sister' (God, he misses the 'cute little sister' days…). That's when he became such an asshole.
He does stupid things because he has no one to impress and, seriously? Why does it matter? Just because he does pranks and not-damaging illegal stuff here and there, doesn't mean he's gonna end up in jail. When he finds what he wants to do with his life (aside from getting the hell out of Lima), he's going to care about being serious.
So, he acted the way he wanted to because he didn't have a reason not to, but then Quinn and Beth happened.
Just to be clear, he did loved Quinn and probably always will, in a weird way. She's the mother of his child, period. He can't explain it better than that.
Beth was perfect and she was a reason to become a better person, she was a reason to make something out of himself and all that shit. But then they took her away, and the rest is history.
When Beth came around again, he was so fucking thankful to God, that he promised Him that he'd be the good Jew his ma thinks he is.
When Rachel and fucking Love came around, he wanted to kick God's holy sacred ass.
In his arms Rachel sleeps peacefully, the tears finally gone from her face. She looks beautiful sleeping, even more vulnerable and innocent as her usual 'awaked' look.
She also looks very pale, extremely thin and sick.
He's in love with her, but he's not acting on it. In all honesty, he's kind of afraid to do so.
And he doesn't mean it in an 'afraid-of-commitment' douche-istic kind of way, more like 'afraid-of-getting-hurt' kind of way. Call him a pussy if you want but girl has issues and he can get hurt if he asks too much of her (Quinn was enough, thank you very much.) Putting the pressure of a relationship into a girl with deep crappy mother/ cheating boyfriend/ low self-esteem issues? Not a fucking good idea.
If they slept together in the first place is because she needed him (and he cared), they both were in an awful emotional state and she wanted it as much as he did. (Which is a fucking hell of a lot.)
He's seen enough to know that if one part of a relationship is fucked up, the relationship will end up being fucked up too. Take his parents marriage as an example.
So, he's not her boyfriend, but he's totally okay with being her boy friend, besides, he knows that as soon as she's over this, they will be a couple of hot Jews like they're meant to be. And he's sure it's going to happen because Shelby told him she was in love with him (he did a happy dance but he'll deny it if anyone dares to ask), and mothers are supposed to know about this stuff. Hell, after what Rachel and he pulled out tonight, he's pretty sure his ma knows too.
He wished he had been there when she got the news, but when she saw him with… redhead chick, she ran away really fast, leaving him guilty and shameful. Of course he doesn't technically own her any explanation, but he has to admit he was kind of a jack ass.
It's just that, it's all going too fast and he feels like it's getting out of control, and trying to be with her, when she also has issues of her own it's just… too hard. He's eighteen; this feels so… out of this world.
He just wished it was easier to stay away from her, because the whole time he tried to push her away, he couldn't help but watch her like a creep.
He supposes that's the way it is when you're in love. Truth being told, drama aside, the feeling is kinda awesome.
Being in love feels good.
He wakes her up and takes her to the only restaurant that has vegan food in Lima (a bit expensive, he must add), and basically has to force her to eat properly.
Seriously, when the waitress comes to ask their orders, she asks for a glass of water and a fruit salad.
Fuck that noise.
He's pretty sure he makes her eat more than she had eaten in a fucking week.
Beth, Rachel and him don't go the funeral or the service or whatever. Her dads deal with everything. (He thinks her dads are awesome.)
They stay at his house and eat a lot and watch movies. He thinks it's weird that she can laugh. If his mom died, he would be devastated. He asks her about it.
She answers that Shelby was her mom for only a day, before that she was just a person whose only connection to her was blood.
He kind of understands what she's saying: He doesn't feel any connection to his dad, or at least he wouldn't if he saw him. That man was an asshole who doesn't deserve to be called a dad.
But that's another story. Point is, Rachel doesn't seem too affected with the whole thing.
It actually worries him a little.
The first few weeks after Shelby's death are quiet peaceful. Rachel and him are close again because she needs him, he can sense that. She also seems to spend a lot of time with Diva-Boy and Aretha.
He honestly expected a bigger reaction to her mother's death. She looks sad, but seems to be holding up very well most of the time.
Except sometimes he believes she's just bottling shit up and is eventually going to explode in a big dramatic event. He's not sure what he can do to help her so he's just gonna wait.
There's an issue however, that is keeps bringing up fights between them (and between her and her lady-friends and her parents): Eating.
She seriously has a problem with eating, it's getting dangerous.
The other day he was picking her up and twisting her for their dance routine for Nationals (they're totally gonna win this shit) and… Well, he's pretty sure his backpack weighed more than her. He mentions this to her parents.
At the end of a very heated discussion (he was in the middle of it and Rachel expected him to be on her side, the poor girl) it was decided that Rach would have to go see a shrink.
The whole shrink thing didn't work as quickly as he expected. Of course Rachel doesn't tell much about it, she simply informs all of them that this guy basically makes her 'talk'. That's it.
A few weeks later, she get a prescription for anti-depressants, and thing don't exactly go back to normal but it's better than how they were going.
She's not the same bubbly energetic Rachel but she's much more cheerful than before and she even sings a solo in Glee.
The end up fucking on her bed one day her dads are in a business trip. They didn't mean to, but Rachel suddenly straddled him and she looked so cute that he started to play with her hair in a super gay way, but whatever, she starts to giggle and then, out of nowhere, they are having sex in her yellow-colored bedroom.
A few weeks go by and she seems to be better, so they come to a tacit agreement that they can be together now. So new they hold hands and kiss each other cheeks and all that stuff girls like.
A few of her old crazy traces come back and he loves it; the old Rachel who was spontaneous and talked endlessly. It's honestly really fun to be wioth her when she's like this. They have sex a lot, but then they cuddle and she talks and he listens until his ears hurt, so he kisses her to shut her up. They go out with Beth, or maybe alone, and they seem like a normal couple with no problem whatsoever.
She seems to be doing better in the eating apartment, but not as much as he would like, so he goes to the glee club for that. Her psychiatrist didn't give her any more anti-depressants and he's pretty sure that means she's gonna have like a crash effect or something. So he's going to ask the Glee club for help.
He's amazed about how much the Glee Club has grown. Not in the 'numbers of people' thing, but in the 'emotional' one. They're not all friends with each other, but they're not enemies either.
If any of the member needs tutoring in a subject, someone would offer to help, they have gatherings every once in a while and even the ones who hated each other (Santana and Rachel, Finn and Sam, whoever got mad at the other for something stupid, etc) are now civil and nice for the benefit of the club.
That means when he enlists the glee club to help him with Rachel they do help. They all understand that she has some problems holding up now that she doesn't have her pills, and that the whole eating problem can get really serious if they don't do something.
Surprisingly it is Quinn who manages to get a response other than 'I'm fine' from Rachel.
When he founds out about the whole eating disorder he feels kind of guilty, he always knew Quinn was the kind of girl who worries about her image, but never to the extend that it seemed to take. Suddenly the words 'you're not fat' ringed in his ears and he realized why Quinn needed to hear that simple line so much.
"So… Quinn was like... anorexic?"
At his comment, Rachel simply rolls her eyes.
"Of course not, she's a cheerleader, she needs energy. But she knows what it's like to starve yourself for no real reason whatsoever or a stupid reason that makes no sense at all."
"Rachel, you are under a lot of pressure, it's understandable."
"Don't be too hard on yourself; you're going through a lot."
"Shut up, thanks to you now I have to go see a shrink."
"Wait a freaking second, how is that my fault?"
"You could've said something to my parents, be on my side or whatever."
"Didn't we just agree that you need help?"
"Yes, well Quinn's help is okay but thanks to you I have to go talk for hours to some idiot with a notepad."
"You should really stop being so mean to people who wants to help you."
"You should stop trying to be my hero or something; I can take care of myself perfectly!"
"I did take care of your daughter for half a year without any complaint, didn't I?"
"Yeah, but we are talking about taking care of yourself which you, apparently, suck at."
"You're such an ass!"
"And you're being an idiot"
Okay, not his brightest moment right there, but the thing is that lately Rachel seems to be borderline for real suicidal depressive and it's starting to bother him. He's not trying to be an asshole but the fact is that she seems to bring a raining cloud right above her head and all her depression expands to those who are around her. He's talked about this with Kurt and he knows her other friends feel the same way too.
Rachel eats just so that nobody will tell her a damn thing, she sings because she seems to be almost scared that the glee club will tell her anything, she smiles only when forced to by social situations and she seems to be simply dragging herself through life. She's like a roller coaster, up and down.
So yeah, he's fucking exhausted of trying to help her when she clearly doesn't wan to help or cooperate at all. Besides, it's not like it's easy for the two of them. Truth being told, raising a baby is much harder than it seems and he spends quite a lot of time trying to be a good dad (even if it's a baby as adorable and well-raised and not-spoiled like Beth) and working in Sheets-N-Things AND Breadstix and when he's not doing either, he's trying to cheer up his girlfriend when he's fucking exhausted and the last thing he need is to come home to a depressed and stubborn girl.
The point is he's tired and yet he's making an effort to because she's obviously not good but here she is acting like a drug-addict who doesn't want to go to rehab.
He's upset, she's upset and there' yelling and stupid accusations and at some moment she says some shit about him not being her dad and then he loses it and makes the mistake of telling her what was going through his mind (which is not exactly nice words).
"Damn it, I'm so tired of this shit! I can't stand you right now! No wonder you had such a hard time finding friends!"
He starts apologizing because, well, shit that's just an awful thing to say, but she storms out before
Three hours later, he's starting to get worried because Rachel won't answer the phone and he seriously thought that by now she wouldn't be pissed anymore. Apparently she is because today was supposed to be the day that Beth sleeps at her house and the little girl is getting impatient and going all 'Wach, Wach!".
So there he is, trying to calm his daughter when Rachel parents call him.
They are on their way to the hospital.
Rachel had slit her wrists with an X-acto knife.
He's sitting on one of the plastic chairs. Dani is on his left, Beth on his lap. He tries to distract himself by distracting his daughter whom, unsurprisingly, abhors hospitals.
He let a few tears fall but didn't really cry. He's feeling a lot right now; He's fucking scared that Rachel did something like trying to take a way her life, he's glad that she' fine but at the same time he's mad at her for all this.
Five minutes later, her dads come out with red eyes and they take the girls for some ice-cream in order to relax. He's left alone in Rachel's room.
The sight of her is not shocking; sadly he's seen her sleeping in a hospital bed before. She looks very peaceful sleeping.
It makes him wonder if maybe she needed this to release some tension.
He holds her hand and then tars comes down his face because, hell he loves her and there she is, taking herself away from him and all he wants to do is keep her safe and good and happy.
It is clear now, than that's far from happening anytime soon.
A.N.: I want to apologize for not updating in so long. Believe me, I realize how long it has been since the last chapter and what a bad writer it makes me but the last six months have been very difficult to me. I'm not particularly fond of sharing personal information, but what happened is that my mother is very sick (it's her liver) and things have not being easy in my house lately, that plus the fact that we're not in our best economic situation (we're facing a few problems) and my senior year of high school (which is not exactly easy either) made it really difficult for me to update.
Luckily, things have gotten a little better at home and now I'm in my best mood to start writing again! Also, this is not betaed in any form, so please excuse my mistakes and point them out!
Also, I recently started my own tumblr: http : / / winginoverthings . tumblr . com
I'd love it if you followed me!