Captain N: The Game Master
Saturday, October 7, 1995, 8:50 AM
The warp opened, and Kevin, Lana, Simon, Mike, and Stacey exited it. The warp closed.
Lana stopped short. "What the fuck?"
Everybody looked at their surroundings.
"The Throne room!" Lana exclaimed. "We're in the Palace of Power!"
"But I thought the Palace of Power was destroyed." Simon said.
"It was!" Lana said. "I should know! I blew it up!"
"We've gone back in time, haven't we?" Mike asked.
"I wonder when we are." Kevin said.
"I dunno, but I'm not sticking around to find out!" Lana started pressing buttons on her warp zone opener.
"Hey, wait a minute." Kevin said. "This is wrong."
"You're telling me!" Lana said.
"No, I mean the Palace. It's wrong!" Kevin said. "Take a look around."
"I see what you mean." Lana said. "The walls and the throne are different colors. This isn't right!"
"Maybe we've gone so far back in time, the Palace looked different." Mike suggested.
"Mmmm, I don't think so." Lana replied. "I'm no expert on the Palace, but I don't think it ever had these colors."
A group of people entered the room.
"Freeze!" a young human male yelled.
The N Teamsters looked and gasped. The newcomers gasped as well.
The young human male was Kevin, except he had a different hairstyle. He had his Zapper drawn. With him was Lana, only she had long hair and was dressed in her royal clothes. Kid Icarus was with them, except her was wearing a yellow toga instead of a white one. The fourth person they didn't recognize. She was a tall female human with long blonde hair. She looked to be in her late twenties or early thirties and was absolutely gorgeous. She was wearing orange armor and had her helmet tucked under her right arm. Her right arm had a cannon on it.
"Are we looking in a mirror?" Stacey asked.
The long-haired Lana walked over to the short-haired Lana and offered her left hand. "I'm Princess Lana of Videoland."
The short-haired Lana shook the long-haired Lana's hand. "I'm Lana Descchain, President of the Republic of Videoland."
"Are you from the future?" Princess Lana asked.
President Lana shook her head. "I don't think so. You have long hair, but you look to be about my age, and I never had that outfit in purple."
"Then you must be from another universe." Princess Lana said.
"I guess so." President Lana agreed.
"Uh, these are Kevin Keene, Samus Aran, and Kid Icarus." Princess Lana introduced. "Together, we form the N-Team."
"We have a Kevin and Kid Icarus, too, but no Samus." President Lana said. "These are Simon Belmont, Mike Vincent, and Stacey Anderson. We're all members of the N Team, but we have a lot more members than this."
"Well, as long as you're here, let me give you a tour!" Princess Lana offered.
President Lana smiled. "Thank you."
Princess Lana took the N Teamsters on a tour of the Palace of Power, and they all had an early breakfast. During that time, they compared the histories of their Videolands. The N Team's Kevin was surprised to learn that the N-Team's Kevin's Earth is animated, and the N-Team's Kevin couldn't understand what the N Team's Kevin meant by saying his Earth is "live-action". The two team's discovered the difference in the names of the teams: N Team and N-Team. The N Teamsters learned of the N-Team's adventures and the defeat of Mother Brain. The N-Team learned of the N Team's adventures, the defeat of Mother Brain, the addition of the new team members, their battles with Dr. Wily, the start of the Third Videoland War, their takeover of the Star Bright Project, and their arrival in this Videoland. That brought everyone up to the present.
"Substandard technology." President Lana said. "That must be it."
"But you've got a way home, right?" Kevin of the N-Team asked.
"Yeah, we've got a warp zone opener." Kevin of the N Team replied.
"Well, thanks for the tour." President Lana said once they returned to the Throne room.
"No problem." Princess Lana said. "I guess you'll be going home now."
"Actually, I wanted to ask you something, Princess Lana." President Lana told her.
"Yes. We're losing the war. We need all the help we can get. Would you consider joining the Videoland Alliance?"
"Why should we help you?" Samus asked. "We're not from your universe. It's none of our concern!"
"Please." President Lana begged.
Princess Lana thought for a moment. "Very well."
"Your Highness!" Samus said in disbelief.
Princess Lana faced the bounty hunter. "Samus, I know you often disagree with my decisions, but I need your support on this."
Samus folded her arms in front of her. She was angry but tried to minimize the appearance. "All right."
"Great!" President Lana exclaimed. She took out her warp zone opener. "Your Highness, Samus, please come with us."
Lana saved the coordinates for the Palace of Power into the warp zone opener, then she opened up a warp to the Alliance Headquarters.
Princess Lana, Samus Aran, Kevin of the N Team, Simon, Mike, Stacey, and President Lana entered the warp, and it closed.
The warp opened in Dr. Right's laboratory in the Alliance Headquarters. The group exited it.
"Welcome back, Ms. President." Dr. Right greeted.
"Thank you, Dr. Right." President Lana said. "I want you to go to Star Bright and teach those people the proper way to build a Warp Zone Shifter. Dr. Shiroshi's already there."
Dr. Right nodded. "Yes, sir."
"We'll be in the Conference room." President Lana told him. "Follow me."
The group left the laboratory.
"Nice lab, Dr. Right." Princess Lana said on her way out.
"Thank you, Your Highness." Dr. Right blinked. "What?"
"The war has been going badly for the Alliance these past two days." Cathy Bennett reported. "Just a few minutes ago, the Koopalings attacked the Mushroom Kingdom."
The camera switched to show footage of the villages. Houses were being set on fire. Mushroom Kingdom citizens were being murdered. Iggy and Lemmy Koopa were shown tearing a man's body in half. Wendy O'Koopa ate the heart out of a living woman's chest. She wasn't alive anymore.
The camera switched back to Cathy. "More than three-hundred villagers have been killed."
"Oh!" Princess Peach Toadstool covered her face with her hands and began to cry.
"This follows the destruction of the Alliance's offensive yesterday." Cathy continued. "People are losing hope."
President Lana turned off the viewscreen.
"Those murderers!" Peach suddenly yelled. "I'd like to eat their hearts out of their bodies!"
"Who know, Peach? You may get the chance." Lana told her. "But please, try to calm yourself."
"All right, I'll try."
"Now I'll introduce our newcomers." Lana said. "These are Princess Lana and bounty hunter Samus Aran. They come from an alternate Videoland. I've informed them of the war, and we've all just been brought up to speed on recent events. Princess Zelda, thank you for filling in for me in my and Rick's absence."
Zelda smiled. "You're welcome, Lana."
"Princess Lana, thank you for agreeing to join the Videoland Alliance." Lana said.
"You can thank me, Ms. President, but I'm afraid I'm not of much help." Princess Lana told her. "I can't enter Videoland into a war without the approval of the Federation Council."
"Kinda like the President of the United States." Kevin put in.
"I see." President Lana said. "Well, then, I suggest you get permission. Samus and I will come with you."
Samus frowned. "Very well, Ms. President."
"I can't believe it!" Princess Lana said. "They actually approved!"
Both Lanas and Samus had just exited the Federation Council's chambers.
"You were very persuasive." Princess Lana added.
"Thanks." President Lana replied.
"Now, in order to raise troops, we have to visit a captain in the Federation Police Force." Samus grumbled.
"I take it you don't like whoever we're going to see." President Lana guessed.
"He's a real prick." Samus remarked.
The three women came to a door that had two guards in front of it. The guards were wearing silver armor and holding orange guns.
"This guy doesn't take any chances, does he?" President Lana asked.
They entered an office. Sitting at the desk was a brown-haired man wearing silver armor.
"Samus Aran." the man greeted. "What do you want?"
"Charming as always, Dare." Samus remarked. "We need lots of police officers to send to the other Videoland."
Captain Dare sighed. "Aran, I don't think the Federation has any business entering this war. It's not our universe!"
"I don't give a fuck what you think, Dare." Samus said, lifting Captain Dare out of his seat. "You're a captain. You're not supposed to think. Your job is to be an asshole! Now, I want three-million officers!"
"Unhand me, Samus, or I'll charge you with assaulting a Federation Police Officer!" Dare threatened.
Samus let Dare go, and he fell back into his seat.
Dare typed at his computer. "I'm giving you three-thousand officers."
"Did I ask for three-thousand officers, Dare?" Samus shook her head. "No. I asked for three-million officers."
"Look, we're spread pretty thin right now, what with the increase in space piracy after Mother Brain's defeat. Take it or leave it."
Samus reached for him. "Why, I oughta - "
"We'll take it!" Princess Lana yelled. "Thank you, Captain Dare!"
The three women left the office.
"What a dickhead!" President Lana said.
Samus and Princess Lana laughed.
"Three-thousand officers only?" Kevin asked.
Kevin, both Lanas, Samus, Mike, and Stacey were sitting at the conference table again.
"I'm afraid so." President Lana said. "We'll have to think of another way to raise more troops."
"I've got it." Samus said. "Video Town."
"Video Town?" Stacey asked.
Samus nodded. "It's the one world in Videoland that has it all - fascinating places, bizarre characters, and incredible events. It's a city that attracts the best and the worst from every game world. From ghosts to space warriors, you never know who you'll meet next."
President Lana chuckled. "You sound like a guidebook."
"But beware!" Samus warned. "A place as large as Video Town attracts all kinds, and some of them are very dangerous!"
"Sounds cool." Mike said. "When do we leave?"
Samus shrugged. "As soon as you're ready."
Five minutes later, Samus, President Lana, Kevin, Mike, and Stacey boarded Samus' ship, which was parked in the Palace of Power's hangar.
"So, this is your ship." Lana said, looking around.
"Yeah, the Starship Hunter IV." Samus said proudly.
"Neat!" Stacey commented.
Samus sat down in the pilot's chair. The others stood behind her.
"You can sit by me if you want, Kevin." Samus offered.
"Thanks!" Kevin sat in the chair to Samus' left.
Lana frowned and folded her arms in front of her.
Samus started the engine, waited for the hangar door to open, then flew the Hunter IV out into space.
"Are you sure the rest of the N-Team can guard the Palace by themselves?" Lana asked.
"Sure." Samus assured her. "No need to worry. They can take care of themselves."
"So," Mike said, "tell us about this ship of yours."
"All right." Samus said. "The Starship Hunter IV is a modified scoutship / gunship. It used to be the most advanced model in the series. Hunter I, II, and III were destroyed under unknown circumstances. They're up to the Starship Hunter VI now."
"Gonna get it?" Mike asked.
"Maybe someday, when I get enough credits." Samus replied. "All six ships are based on Hyrodyne Space Systems, explorer class scout ship, manufactured at Hyrodyne Shipyards on Altair V. The Hunter IV was already considered the most advanced starship in its class, but it's been highly upgraded by me and other technicians."
"What kind of stuff do you have?" Mike asked.
"Ooh, I've got a lot of cool shit on here." Samus said with a smile. "The Hunter IV is made up of three interlocking sections. The drive section, on the starboard side, detaches to become an armored personnel carrier. It's got a main gun, which in this case is a 100mm Starfire laser cannon, at a 90 degree forward mount. I've got chaff anti-detection dispensors on port and starboard; a tailgunner turret, which in this case is a 30mm Gatling laser cannons; and escape pods. The ratio of power to mass is six times higher than average for ships in this class, resulting in geometrically higher performance specifications. There are three types of drives. Atmospheric drive is powered by a Ber'ger aerospace gravity resist generator. Sublight drive, which we're traveling at right now, is powered by a Gravity Propulsion Systems photon drive. The hyperspace drive is modified from the Federation Navy Corvette MK 88. The main / living section forms the base of the ship. It consists of the bridge, my cabin, crew bunks, a galley, a security vault, a prisoner holding cell, a sick bay, the cargo hold, communications, and computer banks. The electronics package includes a sensor array, ECM / ECCM, and normal and hyperspace communications. The top turret is a 30mm Gatling laser cannon. The gunner section detaches to become a heavily armed / ultra-maneuverable needleship for infiltration and high speed attack runs. It consists of weapons control, an auxiliary bridge, an emergency booster, and weapons bays. The emergency booster is a Sirus System space scramjet. The weapons bays, on port and starboard, contain six Striker space homing missiles, one Federation proton torpedo tube, and six Solaris homing space mines. The secondary gun is a 60mm Avenger laser cannon, fixed forward. Two air / ground powercycles are stored in the outside compartments on port and starboard. The entire ship is protected by Centuri Systems heavy duty deflector shields."
"Damn." Mike commented.
"Neat." Kevin added.
"Huh?" Stacey asked.
"Is that all you have?" Lana asked.
"Um,...yeah." Samus replied.
"Good!" Lana said. "You sure can talk people's ears off! What did you do - memorize the instruction manuals?"
"Actually, yes I did." Samus told her. "I gave you a summary."
"Summary, my ass." Lana mumbled.
"What was that?" Samus asked.
"Nothing." Lana replied.
"Hey, Samus, is there any place we can change?" Kevin asked.
"Uh, yeah, in the crew quarters." Samus said.
"Thanks." Kevin replied.
"You brought a change of clothes on this mission?" Lana asked them in surprise.
"Yeah." Mike replied. "I figure it'll help."
Mike and Kevin left the bridge.
Lana sat in the chair to Samus' left. "Samus, can I ask you something?"
"Do you like Kevin? I mean your Kevin."
"Well, yeah." Samus replied. "Lana and I used to fight over him, but I saw how much he loved her, so I decided to let her have him."
"So now you're trying to get my Kevin." Lana concluded.
"What?" Samus asked. "No!"
"Oh, c'mon, Samus!" Lana said. "What was with 'You can sit by me if you want, Kevin'?"
"I was just being nice." Samus explained. "I don't have a heart of stone. I do have a soft side."
"Do you have any friends?" Lana asked.
"The N-Team are my friends." Samus replied.
"No one else?"
"No one I'd call friends." Samus said. "You don't make friends as a bounty hunter. In fact, before I joined the N-Team, I didn't even know what a friend was."
Mike and Kevin walked back onto the bridge.
"Well,...wadaya think?" Mike asked.
Samus, Lana, and Stacey turned and looked.
Mike and Kevin were dressed in the mob outfits that they had worn on the Untouchable World.
Lana grinned. "The Video Boys are back!"
"The Video Boys?" Samus asked.
"It's an interesting story." Lana began. "See, it started when..."
Samus landed the Starship Hunter IV in Video Town, and the five of them exited the ship. The city sure was crowded, as it always is. People filled the streets as they went to different places.
"Wow, there's a lot of people here!" Stacey said, amazed.
"Of course!" Samus told her. "Video Town is the ultimate recreation center! This is where Videoland folks go when they have time off to enjoy baseball, soccer, or even championship wrestling! If it's played in a video game, it's played here."
"Cool!" Mike said. "Let's check this place out!"
"Yeah!" Kevin agreed.
"We can come back for a vacation some other time, guys." Lana told them. "We're here on a mission. Samus, where do the really tough people hang out?"
"Follow me." Samus said.
They entered a wrestling arena. A match was in progress.
The five of them walked down the aisle and over to the wrestling ring. They watched the match.
"I don't see what's so enjoyable about wrestling." Stacey said. "It's just two guys trying to pin each other and hurting each other in the process. I like martial arts better. It's two guys beating the living shit out of each other."
The match ended. The winner got out of the ring.
"He was good, wasn't he?" Samus asked.
"Yeah, better than Stone Cold Steve Austin." Mike said.
"Who?" Samus asked.
"Never mind." Mike told her. "Let's go talk with him."
The five of them approached the wrestler - a tall bald man that looked like Jesse "The Body" Ventura.
"Excuse me." Lana said.
The wrestler turned and faced them. "Who are you?"
Mike stepped forward. "We're the Video Boys. I'm Frankie. This here's Tony."
Kevin stepped forward.
"I'm the Destructor." the wrestler said. "What do you guys want?"
"Yo, we want ya to join our outfit, the Videoland Alliance." Kevin said.
"We need big strong guys like you." Mike said.
"Yeah? What's in it for me?"
"You'll get to kick a lot of ass!" Stacey told him.
"I tell ya what." the Destructor said. "I'll join if Frankie here can beat me in a wrestling match."
"He accepts!" Kevin said.
Mike faced his friend. "Kev - er, Tony, this isn't high school wrestling. Ya know what I mean?"
"I'll wrestle you." Samus said, stepping forward.
"Who are you?" the Destructor asked.
"Samus Aran, bounty hunter and former Captain of the Federation Police Academy Wrestling Team."
"Okay." the Destructor agreed. "I'll join if you beat me in the next match."
The Destructor turned and walked back over to the ring. He got in.
"Samus, are you sure you can beat this guy?" Kevin asked as they walked back over to the ring.
"No problem." Samus assured him. "I'll use my kickboxing on him."
"Is that legal?" Lana asked her.
"No." Samus replied, then got in the ring.
"Hey, Kev, you know what they should play now?" Mike asked.
"'Get in the Ring' by Guns 'N Roses."
Kevin laughed. "Yeah."
"'Fuck you! Suck my fuckin' dick!'" Stacey yelled with a smile, earning her some starnge stares from people nearby.
"'You wanna antagonize me?! Antagonize me, motherfucker! Get in the ring, motherfucker! I'll kick your bitchy little ass, punk!'" Mike added.
At this point, a large man walked over to him. Mike cringed and smiled sweetly.
"Shut up, guys!" Lana told them. "The match is about to start!"
"Ladies and gentlemen!" the referee said. "In this corner, weighing 220 pounds, the Destructor!"
Cheering sounded throughout the arena.
"And in this corner, weight undisclosed, Samus Aran!"
Some cheering, but mostly boos and insults, were heard.
Samus took off her armor, revealing a green one-piece bathing suit and green boots underneath. The audience whistled. Kevin was one of the whistlers. Lana elbowed him in the ribs.
The Destructor and Samus met in the center of the ring. For show, Samus felt herself up, earning her more cheers and whistles. Then she and the Destructor shook hands.
The Destructor started off by lunging at her. Samus dodged him and performed a roundhouse kick, hitting him in the head. Dazed, he fell to the floor. Samus jumped on top of him and pinned him down.
"1, 2, 3, - " the referee began.
The Destructor pushed Samus off of him and got to his feet. Samus stood up. The Destructor threw his fist at her. She ducked and punched him in the balls. He groaned and clutched at his genitals. Samus stood up and punched the Destructor in the face. He fell to the floor again.
"1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10!" The referee raised Samus' arm into the air. "The winner - Samus Aran!"
After receiving a datapad, Samus picked up her armor and got out of the ring.
"You were great!" Mike said.
"He means awesome!" Kevin corrected.
"Way to go, Sammer!" Stacey praised.
"But how can you win if you cheated?" Kevin asked.
"They don't give a fuck." Samus replied.
"What's that?" Lana asked, indicating the datapad.
"A thirty-thousand credit prize." Samus said with a smile.
The Destructor managed to get up and exited the ring. "Hey, Aran, you cheated!"
"Bite me." Samus replied. "I beat you."
"Okay, a deal's a deal." the Destructor said. "I'll join your alliance."
Lana shook his hand.
Suddenly, a group of wrestlers walked over to them.
"Hey, you were awesome, Aran!" one said.
"Yeah, we all want to join this alliance of yours!" another said.
"Yeah!" the rest added.
Lana, Samus, Kevin, Mike, and Stacey looked at each other and smiled. Mission accomplished.
A short time later, the five of them were back aboard the Starship Hunter IV. All the wrestlers were in the crew quarters, as were Mike and Kevin, who were talking with them. Samus was flying the ship, and Stacey was sitting in the chair to her left. Lana was standing behind them.
"That was really cool, Sammer, how you distracted that guy with that gorgeous body of yours." Stacey complimented.
Samus smiled. "Thanks, Stacey."
Stacey turned around to face Lana. "Hey, Lana, I bet you could do that as well. You've got the looks." Stacey winked at her.
Lana thought for a moment. "Stacey, may I speak to you privately?"
"Sure." Stacey faced Samus. "Samus, can you step outside for a minute?"
Samus was confused by Stacey's request. "Stacey, I'm piloting the ship."
"And you don't have an autopilot?" Stacey asked in surprise. "And you were going on and on about what a great ship this is. Sheesh!"
"I have an autopilot." Samus replied, trying to remain calm. "I simply choose to fly this ship manually in case we run into any space pirates."
Stacey nodded, understanding. "Aaahhh..."
"Come with me to an empty crew quarters." Lana told her.
Stacey stood up and followed Lana.
Lana and Stacey entered the quarters, and the door slid closed.
"Have a seat." Lana said.
Stacey sat on the lower bunkbed, and Lana sat to her left.
"What is it, Lana?" Stacey asked.
"Stacey," Lana began, "...is there anything you'd like to tell me?"
"I think you