TITLE: The Song

DISCLAIMER: Not mine.

A/N: Ok I'm in a really silly mood…blame it on the past holiday season mayhaps. Either way this will only make sense if you have listened to the Lonely Island song 'I Just Had Sex' – check it out on youtube, much hilarity to be enjoyed! Having re read this before I post it I must say I am a little ashamed at my own childishness...not enough to stop me posting it though.


Inara had no idea where it had started but it had caught on quickly. She knew that they'd first heard it from Wash, although the pilot denied emphatically that it had started with him. One of the side effects with living on a ship as small as theirs with a family as tight as theirs was the nature of 'trends'.

One person would find something, think of something, make something up that would spread through the boat like wildfire. Mostly it was little things, like the time Kaylee had introduced the crew to 'As the Planets Collide', the ridiculous soap opera that had briefly entranced them all. It had ended when Simon and Jayne were caught arguing about whether Mary-May should marry Rock, Stone or Gravel – both men still went red when the incident was brought up.

Then there was the time that Book had shown the crew how to make frozen Irish coffees – when Zoe had accidently drunk two of Jayne's extra strength concoctions instead of the protein shake she thought she was drinking the fad was quickly abandoned. Although Inara had to admit a little disappointment when that had happened; who knew Zoe was such a foul mouthed drunk?

But all those little trends had been reasonably innocuous, often simply ways for the crew to bond and entertain themselves on long stretches through space. This particular trend was a little more…dangerous.

Largely because the women of the ship were rapidly growing tired of it, and the men were finding it funnier with each passing day. When Wash had first started humming it under his breath the tune had caught Simon's attention. The doctor had begun to chuckle to himself, which in turn made Jayne demand to be let in on the joke. It probably didn't help that they were enjoying a game of cards at the time.

And by enjoying a game of cards Inara meant the four idiots had found two old bottles of whisky and decided to get themselves happily hammered while pretending to play tall card.

Wash had begun to sing the song for the others, and before they knew it the four of them were all bellowing it out at the tops of their lungs. Wash said he wasn't sure when the song, an ancient pop hit from earth-that-was, had become saved to the cortex but he'd enjoyed it nonetheless.

The inebriated foursome had burst into drunken laughter, the loud bellows drawing the attention of the other members of the crew. When Zoe, Book and Inara had arrived to find out what was so funny the four men were still laughing so hard they could barely talk.

When the three newcomers had heard the song they'd raised incredulous eyebrows at the childish behaviour of their crewmates, and had left them to their ridiculous conduct. The four drunks had kept singing the song late into the night, their voices becoming more and more raucous with each passing round of shots. Inara supposed if they'd just left it at that it wouldn't have become so problematic.

But the thing with the song was…well, it was apparently quite catchy. The boys had started humming the song under their breath. And when that happened there was usually somebody around to hear it. If it was one of the other men they would join in the humming until the chorus was bellowed out loudly, followed immediately by the same childish laughter they'd displayed when drunk.

But if it was someone else…for example, Inara, then a man could find himself in a world of trouble. She supposed that it was the timing that really did it. She'd confirmed the theory herself when she'd slapped Mal over the back of the head while still flushed and naked.

And so now they were in a pickle. Because if one man entered the galley humming that particular tune, the others would join in, which would have been funny if the woman such a song was directed at wasn't present.

Simon had gotten punched in the arm by a blushing Kaylee. Wash had found himself facing down a death stare that had made strong men wet themselves. Mal had pissed off Inara more times than she could count.

If she thought about it Inara found that this was definitely Jayne's fault. The mercenary had been completely delighted by the song, taking any and every opportunity to sing it even when it wasn't true. The fact that he was the only man on board apart from the preacher who wasn't in fact being intimate with someone frequently didn't seem to matter to the merc.

When Simon appeared at breakfast with his shirt buttoned badly Jayne would erupt into loud, off key singing. When Wash appeared at dinner looking flushed and tired the mercenary would begin humming under his breath. When Mal and Inara arrived on the bridge looking carefully nonchalant Jayne would immediately burst into song.

It was times like that that Inara cursed Jayne's complete inability to just admit that he was in love with the ship's Reader; at least then he would understand why such singing was detrimental to a man's health. And sex life.

The women of the boat were rapidly reaching the end of their ropes. It was silly, it was childish, and mostly it was just embarrassing. It was time to put a stop to it. Inara had been the one to come up with the plan, although River didn't seem to mind too much.

The crew was seated around the breakfast table, Jayne and River conspicuously absent. When the mercenary stumbled into the dining room it was with tired eyes and a satisfied, if somewhat surprised smile. He plonked himself in his usual chair, unable to keep the grin off his face.

Zoe and Inara glanced at each other while Kaylee smiled sweetly at Jayne. "You look in a real good mood this mornin' Jayne, anythin' ya wanna share wit' the table?" Inara smirked at the deer in the headlights look that crossed the face of the merc. She thought this was an excellent time to give the men some payback.

Mal, Simon and Wash were all looking at Jayne curiously when River appeared in the doorway of the galley. She'd obviously thrown on whatever was available, and what was available was an oversized black t-shirt with a naked woman emblazoned on the front. The shirt hung almost to her knees, her legs and feet bare and her hair tousled. Her cheeks were as flushed as Jayne's had been, and even looking terrified the mercenary couldn't help appreciating the way she looked in his t-shirt.

Simon and Mal shot each other concerned glances at the Reader's attire while Wash raised an eyebrow at the incriminating scene developing before them, though Zoe, Kaylee and Inara were smiling.

River gave the other women a wide grin as she stepped into the room, standing with her feet wide apart and her arms thrown in the air as she began to sing. "I just had seeeexxxx, and it fe-elt soo good!"

Mal, Wash, Simon and Jayne all dropped their cutlery and Inara, Zoe and Kaylee stood and moved to where River was grinning triumphantly. All four women broke into delighted song at the tops of their voices, loving the horrified looks on the men who had tortured them with this embarrassment for the last three weeks.

"I just had seeexxx,

and I'll never go back,

to the not having sex ways of the paaast!"

The guy's mouths were hanging open like fish struggling for air, and even Book had to laugh at the way River had turned the tables on them. Jayne had turned bright red, Simon and Mal spluttering indignantly, and only Wash seemed to be slowly finding the humour in the situation. Simon watched as his 18 year old mei mei and his wife sung about having sex with Jayne. Even Zoe threw her stoic ways aside at the opportunity to annoy the men.

As the women returned to their seats, River setting herself down beside a still frozen Jayne, they resumed speaking as if nothing had happened. Kaylee smiled at the mercenary.

"Well, anythin' you wanna tell us Jayne?"

No man on the ship ever sung that song again.

The women occasionally did though.


A/N: Why? I don't know; just have some silliness I'm working through. Btw if anyone makes fanvids and put this song to a Firefly one I would totally watch that!