Remus couldn't remember the last time he'd slept through the night. It was now three years after Hogwarts and he and Sirius had been roommates the whole time. James and Lily had of course moved in together right after graduating. Remus knew he was a masochist, living with the man he loved, had always loved it felt, especially since said man kept unintentionally torturing him by bringing over women that were almost never seen twice and disappearing for days for whatever auror-thing he was needed with. The latter was what was driving Remus crazy at the moment.

Sirius hadn't been home for over a week now and all he had heard about the man was that he was alive. Remus didn't know if that was all James knew, or all he was allowed to tell Remus, but needless to say that this did nothing to calm his nerves. He was glad that Lily didn't have to feel like this anymore, since James had taken it more carefully ever since they had learned that Lily was pregnant with their first child.

Remus was sitting in the kitchen, drinking hot chocolate and readying himself for another sleepless night when he heard the door. He ran out of the kitchen and was so happy he could cry when he saw Sirius leaning against a wall.

"Thank heavens you're alright!" Remus exclaimed and went to hug his friend who looked even more disheveled than usual. When Remus drew back he was frowning at the strong stench of alcohol. "You're drunk" he said and took a step back from his friend.

"Yup" Sirius confirmed and grinned at Remus. It was only then that the werewolf noticed the lipstick marks all over Sirius' face and neck and from what he could tell about the skin showing under the half opened robes and shirt, all over the rest of his body as well.

"I assume you didn't drink alone" Remus said and crossed his hands on his chest. He knew that he sounded like a jealous wife, but he couldn't help it.

"Nope" Sirius' grin widened and he gave Remus' shoulder a clap before moving into the sitting room.

"Do you have any idea how worried I've been? You were gone for over a week!" Remus exclaimed after he had followed the dark man deeper into the apartment.

"James knew I was alive" Sirius said and glanced at Remus with a question in his eyes. "What are you fretting about?"

"Alive isn't same as well, Sirius! Alive isn't same as safe!" Remus shouted. He knew it was all in vain. He didn't really have the right to be upset about Sirius' actions the way he was, they weren't a couple. Besides, Sirius was what he had always been, his character was what made him an excellent auror and what Remus had really fallen in love with. But he couldn't help but give in to the frustration that followed the fear that had been eating at him for this whole time. "You couldn't send me a word? Just a line telling me that you weren't lying paralyzed or otherwise hexed at St. Mungo's?"

"Well I'm sorry Remus, but I wasn't exactly in a good place to start playing a pen pal!" Sirius said and raised his voice. Some homecoming this was, he had been gone for over a week, couldn't even remember the last time he'd seen a tub let alone taken a shower or even eaten a warm meal for that matter. Here he was, back at home, and all he got were accusations and an attitude? "Why the hell are you making such a big fuss over this? It's not like I've never been away before."

"Never this long! And then you don't even have the courtesy to come home when you can, to tell your roommate and best friend that you're back, so that he could stop worrying!"

"You're not my wife Remus! Nor my best friend for that matter."

He had known to wait for it, but it still hurt. Naturally he knew that James would always come before him, nothing that he could do about that, not that he would've. The friendship of masters Black and Potter was something so rare and unique that he'd never try to touch that. Remus simply wished that Sirius would sometimes give from himself to his roommate even a tenth of that he was giving to James.

"You're right! You never see anyone long enough for them to fall in love with you so that they would want to marry you! At least for anything other than the money and the fine family name!" He had gone too far. Remus knew he had been unfair the second he'd said it. No amount of fear was enough to justify speaking to his best friend like that. He was already opening his mouth to apologize when Sirius answered.

"Yeah? Well you never see anyone period! Mind you, how could anyone ever love you anyway, knowing what you are."

All air vanished from Remus' lungs and he thought that this must be how someone under the cruciatus curse felt like, it was a pain like he'd never felt before, unlike anything he could ever had imagined of feeling. His heart had gone from a beating muscle into a million pieces within a second, and Remus was sure that this would be the end of him. His eyes were so full of tears that he didn't see clearly anymore, not that there was anything, or more so anyone, he wanted to see. No, he never wanted to see Sirius again.

The moment the words had left his mouth Sirius had sobered up. What had he done? He tried to take a step towards Remus, who quickly avoided his touch and ran from the room to his own, slamming the door shut behind him.

"Remus!" Sirius ran after the man and tried to open the door but it was locked. He took his wand and tried all the opening charms he knew, in vain. Of course he had to upset one of the most talented wizards he knew, if Remus never wanted to talk to him or see him again, Sirius doubted that there was anything he could do about it.

Sirius leaned his forehead to the door and could hear the painful sobs of his friend through the door. He hit a fist against the door, but it didn't have any strength behind it. The tall, thin and dark man could feel the tears burning his eyes and falling down his cheeks. What had he done? How could he? He was the most heinous creature that had ever walked on earth. This was the moment that proved his mother right: He was worthless.

"I'm sorry… So sorry… Please Rem, I didn't mean it, any of it" Sirius said in a whisper, knowing that Remus most likely hadn't heard him, not that it would've mattered if he had. "Please Moony." I can't lose you. Not you. Sirius turned around and slid to the floor, his back against the door. He pulled his legs against his chest and leaned his head against his knees, wondering what curse he should ask James to use on him, if he had really gone and ruined everything for life with one his oldest and dearest friends. With the one he would die without.

Sirius woke up the next morning, not knowing how long he had slept on the corridor floor, nor how long ago Remus had left. All he could do was watch the now empty room that had once held all the comfortable and homey things of his friend. Sirius got up, went to sit on Remus' bed and brought the pillow to his face. The smell of chocolate and all things Remus brought the tears back to his eyes. This would be the end of him. Not a curse, not a wizard gone bad nor a dark creature had been able to end him… But this most certainly would.