00 - You're a Woman - 00
A Kuroshitsuji one-shot
during which Sebastian turns into a woman and Yana Toboso is a cat (in a fridge),
and during the writing of which, very surprisingly, no illegal substances were abused.
(Only diet coke at 3 AM, guys).
The day on which Sebastian woke up as a girl was in many ways a day like any other. The sun was shining, the winds were blowing, and as far as Sebastian was aware, there hadn't been any murders, kidnappings, and thinly-veiled deus ex machina chapter endings scheduled for the entire week.
So when Sebastian opened his eyes, staggered to the mirror to practice his perfect smile lest he had forgotten it during his 3 hour nightmare he was mildly surprised to see that, while Ciel hadn't been successful in signing him up as a dog trainer at the circus like he'd dreamed, the dream had somehow managed to endow him with C-cup breasts.
At first, Sebastian just stared. Raised his hands to his chest and tried touching them - squeeze squeeze - and yup, they felt real all right.
He considered this for a one long stretch of moment. Time stopped ticking, the sound blurring into the back grounds, the seconds squeezing by, wheezing through the tightening loop of time, and -
Then he dropped his arms, thought, "Weirder things have happened," and went to work.
Just because there weren't any kidnappings planned for today didn't mean he was an idle man, see. Or woman, as the case may be.
"Sebastian's a woman," Finny informed Bard during gulps of breath. "He's a fucking - he's a woman."
Bard regarded his co-worker with mild interest. "He's a what now?"
"A woman," Finny confirmed, trying to steady himself on the wall after his sprint from the front porch of the mansion. "I saw him - or, or I guess her - walk out of the mansion and HE WAS A SHE."
Bard blanched. "You don't tell me the young master finally talked him into bottoming?"
Finny shook his head, blond strand of hair whipping his face. "No, no, not like that - he's really a woman."
Bard perked up. "What, did Toboso-san change the script again like she did with Grell?"
Finnian groaned. "No. Guh. He is really, physically female."
Bard willed himself not to roll his eyes. Hey, he could deal with this. "Look, Finny, I know you're still trying to come to terms with your sexuality. I know how this - I mean. Of course I don't know first-hand, but I know about how it works, with the wish projections, and all that, and -"
"You don't understand," Finny said, windmilling his hands. "He's a woman. WITH BOOBS. He has BOOBS."
Bard took a long look at Finny. "Goodness, Finny," he said, stomping out his cigarette beneath his foot, "I thought we talked about not sniffing the flowers you bought from the Rastafarian and sold off to Sebastian as an exotic stage setting."
Finny blinked. "I'm not high."
"We got a warning last week because a viewer recognized the flowers. Remember we have to keep this R-rated? It's back to Ikea plants for the next fucking season."
"I told you." Finny's voice rose a few octaves. "I'm not high. Sebastian - or, or whoever or whatever he is. She is. Whatever. Has boobs."
Bard rolled his eyes. "Okay, I'll humor you for a bit. Can you tell me why in the world Sebastian would suddenly be a woman? People don't just randomly change their sex. Hey, I did graduate high school and they said that sex was determined at birth by those. Those. X thingies." He coughed.
Finny frowned. "I think you mean chromosomes."
"Anyway. It's still a physical impossibility for anyone to randomly change their sex and grow - OH MY GOD YOU HAVE BOOBS."
Finny blinked, and swirled around.
And then the world ended.
That, or that was just a twitch in Sebastian's eyebrows. Which was not as much comfort as it should be, because 'end of the world' and 'twitch in Sebastian's eyebrows' were closely correlated, but at the very least, the Hellmouth hadn't yet opened up beneath them.
"Good morning, Finnian. Good morning, Bard," he greeted pleasantly enough. "Glad to see you're keeping up this house's standards of gossip."
Bard's jaw dropped.
Finny reached over and pushed it shut with an audible 'click'.
"Now," Sebastian said, giving them both the look of a middle-aged school teacher with a kind demeanour but a penchant for handing out F's, "to go over your schedule." He turned to Finnian. "I feel some of the flowers in the backyard need to be trimmed more properly. You should see to it." And then, to Bard, "And as for you, I believe the young master has mentioned something about having a craving for dumplings."
"Dude," Bard said, gaping.
"Yeeeeeeah," Finny said sympathetically.
Bard cleared his throat. "Mr. Sebastian... or. Um. Lady - um." Then in a rush, "Are you aware you are a woman?"
Again, that twitch between Sebastian's (Sebastiana? Sebastina? Seba-chan?) eyebrows. "Yes," he (she?) said coolly. "I am quite aware that I have turned into a female."
"Oh," Bard said.
Sebastian gave him a mild smile. "Yes. Now, if you don't mind."
And with that, he turned and left, leaving two very confused males behind.
After a long stretch of silence, Bard announced, "Give me some of those flowers."
"Sebastian's a woman," they told Maylene some undetermined (and suspiciously hazy) amount of time later.
She climbed down her ladder, adjusted her glasses and said the most intelligent thing anyone could say in this situation. Which is, "What the fuck is wrong with you guys?"
"No. We're serious," Finny said. "He's a woman."
"Even a hot one," Bard added with horror. A hasty look was sent around, first to Maylene, ping-ponging off her horrified expression, and then over to Finnian. Then, "Okay, forget I said that."
"Pfft, you guys," Maylene huffed. "Why would he be a woman, when he's so," she took a deep breath, "manly and handsome and the perfect lead character for our show? You think he could have hidden this all along?"
"Well, he's a woman now," Finny said.
Bard drew in his breath expectantly.
"No, not a hot one," Finny groaned.
"Okay, okay," Maylene said, holding up her hands like a football coach pausing a game. "What do you mean, he's a woman?"
"That he's a woman," Finny said. "You know. With boobs."
"Big ones," Bard added.
"And hips and shapely legs, and. And." Finny trailed off.
"I think I know what a woman is," Maylene pointed out helpfully. "As for you guys, I'm not too sure."
Then a screech blasted through the mansion, followed by a gurgling sound, a plop, and the sound of glass breaking, and all three of them jerked in surprise, fell to the floor, shielded their heads, and waited for The World As They Knew It to come to a screeching, halting, (gravity-defying, Bard mentally added) End.
Until they could breathe again,and their brains kicked into motion with the oxygen, and Finny asked with heavy premonition, "Bard. What time is it?"
Bard's face fell. "8 AM." Then with the face of a prisoner walking up the gallows, "The time when Sebastian goes to wake up the young master."
Heavy silence reigned over the scene.
Then: "Run," Finny whispered.
Maylene, for her part, huffed, climbed back up her ladder, and mumbled, "Just so you guys know, I'm reporting those flowers."
Ciel took it better than Sebastian had expected, to some degree.
For one thing, he didn't have a stroke - though he did choke on his tea, proceeding to spit the entire content of it all over his desk, and continuously attempted to gag out his own heart as he tried to get the rest of it out of his wind pipe, while simultaneously performing a peculiar mating dance with said desk's edge.
Sebastian watched patiently until his young master had regained his composure enough to wheeze, "What in the world?"
"Good morning, young master," Sebastian said. "Today's schedule is -"
"What," Ciel screeched, pointing accusingly at Sebastian's rather well-endowed chest, "in the world," his voice hit a high octave, broke midway through his outburst, and ended in a raspy, "happened to you?"
"It appears I have spontaneously changed sex, young master," Sebastian pointed out helpfully.
Ciel launched into another round of undignified screaming and flailing, an opportunity which Sebastian took to study his (her?) new hands. Mmh, longer fingernails now. Could come in handy, if he'd learned anything reading Clamp.
At last, the screams climbed down the ladder to slightly less hysterical altitudes, and Ciel said, "This. This is unacceptable. Go back to being a man. Now."
Sebas-chan (Sebastian decided at this point that a female name really was a lot more appropriate in this situation) smiled pleasantly. "Well, while I would love to fulfill my master's so very earnest request, I must admit I am - slightly out of my league, I should say."
Ciel's lips thinned into a line. "It's her," he said, voice dangerously low. "It's her again."
"It does appear so, young master."
"Didn't she learn her lesson when I made you bind my corset just out of spite?"
"It doesn't appear so." Sebas-chan poked her breasts with a small smile. "Guess she changed the script again. And I would advise against tearing out your hair, young master. We'd hear from the management again if the sales for Ciel wigs dropped."
Ciel, ignoring Sebas-chan's advise, screeched, "And did she not think the viewers would notice?"
"You mean, like they noticed that me not eating you didn't make the least bit of sense, young master?"
Ciel's eyebrows twitched. "Okay, that's it." He got up from his chair with a swift motion, and walked toward the wall to the garden's side of his room. "I'm having a word with her. Right. Now."
"It's her napping time -" Sebas-chan tried to protest, but - Ciel had already walked over to the wall, gave it a big push - and it crumbled in on itself, doing some nifty, splitzy time-and-space-continuum-raping special effects, and -
Revealed a room with purple pillows strewn around the floor and a single, low table in the middle to the side of a massive, looming fridge. Sebas-chan saw several basket cases stuffed to the brim with crumpled pieces of paper lining up along the back wall of the room like toy soldiers.
"Yana," Ciel seethed. "You fucking come out of there right now or I swear I'll make orgasm faces at the camera all of next chapter."
"You mean - entirely unlike the orgasm-faces you normally make?" Sebas-chan asked.
"You stay out of this," Ciel snapped. Then, with a distasteful look down Sebas-chan's breasts, "And keep those balloons out of my face. God, I think I'm going to be sick."
"It was an inevitability," an ominous voice reached them from the mysterious room. The curtains may or may not have fluttered for dramatic effect. In fact, the chandeliers might have flickered as well.
There may also have been a Latin choir. Or a JPop song with nonsensical Engrish.
"You were disobedient," the voice continued.
Ciel rolled his eyes. "We're a creation of your mind. How can we be disobedient?"
A pause. "One of the greatest mysteries of inspiration indeed."
Ciel scoffed. "I you don't get out there right now, I swear I'll -"
"All right, all right. Pushy muse," the voice drawled. Then sniffed. And then there was the sound of crroom crrom, and the fridge quivered before it popped open and and a black cat wearing reading glasses spilled out, shaking its head like it was just waking up from a particularly nice nap.
The cat settled on its hind legs, adjusting its glasses with one rosy paw. "Happy now?"
A familiar haze settled over Sebas-chan's features. "Of course. Oh, Lady Toboso, how exquisitely fine you look today. Your black fur and elegant -"
"Sebastian. Or-or, whoever you are," Ciel cut her off. "Stop right now or I'll marry you off to one of those rabid fan girls. Or better yet, auction off a date with you for the next issue."
Even the usually so composed Sebastian (now Sebas-chan) blanched at the word 'fan girl,' and stopped in her tracks.
Ciel cleared his throat. "Now. Care to explain what in the world made you think that turning Sebastian into a fucking girl was a good idea?"
Yana sniffed, her whiskers quivering. "Oh yes, that minor... edit."
Sebas-chan cleared her throat. "Well, well now, Miss Toboso, whatever you might call this transformation, the loss of my penis is not... minor."
Ciel raised his eyebrow. "Well, it was not exactly major, either."
Yana sniffed again. "Will you spare me the details of your sex lives, please?"
"Gladly," Ciel said. "Now that you killed it."
Yana licked her belly, voice coming out muffled. "Look on the bright side, Ciel: at least Lizzie will not be your heterosexual encounter after all."
"...I still haven't forgiven you for that one, Yana. And I never will. Ever, ever, ever."
"There, there," Yana said soothingly, stopping her cleaning session and reaching for something behind her back. "Have a cookie."
All color drained from Ciel's face, and he was rapidly approaching the look of a mad axe-murdere on the loose. "You two. Both of you. I'll - I'll - aargh."
He took a second to compose himself, then tried again, in a voice that positively hummed with tightly-corded tension, "So, going to explain just why you relieved Sebastian of his penis?"
Yana sighed. It was a little strange to watch a cat sigh, all things considered, but probably not much stranger than seeing them draw and adjust their glasses. "The rating, you morons."
"Oh," Ciel said.
"Oh." Even Sebas-chan seemed surprised. So surprised, in fact, her boobs wiggled. Ciel tried, very hard, to ignore it.
"Honestly," Yana huffed. "You two have been getting ever more obvious about it. Didn't I tell you that our production studio made it very clear there was no butt sex to be had in our show?"
"Well," Ciel said, lower lip edging forward in defiance, "there's never any on the show."
"Not for a lack of the young master's trying," Sebas-chan supplied.
Ciel gave him a Death Glare (TM). "We've been discreet."
"About as discreet as a tree full of monkeys high on nitrous oxide," Yana sniffed. "And that's a maybe."
"We are not having this conversation right now," Ciel seethed.
"Well, we kind of are." Sebas-chan smiled. "And the young master started it."
"Go, go, team," Yana commented dryly.
Ciel pressed two fingers against the bridge of his nose, mumbling obscenities under his breath. Then, to Sebas-chan, "The Chinese eat cats, right?"
"Oh, you are not selling me off to Lau," Yana said, the hair on the back of her spine standing up. "I created all of you."
"I figured that one wouldn't work, young master," Sebas-chan said. And her boobs wiggled. Ciel was starting to suspect they had a mind of their own. Would he have to name them? Something really girly and obnoxious like 'Savannah' and 'Maia', maybe. Wait, what was he thinking?
Tearing his eyes off of Sebas-chan's endowments, Ciel said snidely, "Yeah, well, ever heard of a coup d'état? Besides, it's not like you've been paying us that well."
Sebas-chan cleared her throat. And her boobs wiggled. They might also have winked.
Yana adjusted her glasses. "I think I could write more useless, amorous side characters into the story before you got to stage one." A pause. "More Claude, anyone?"
Yana sighed as evilly as it was plausible for a cat to sigh evilly. "Didn't think so."
"Fine," Ciel pressed out. "Fine, let's discuss this - rationally. Yes."
"Rationally," Ciel repeated. "And you tell us what exactly we did wrong, because I don't think we ever -"
That's when Yana jumped into the air, did a back flip, and when she landed elegantly on all er feet, a pile of books splattered themselves all over the purple pillow-sea. "This," she said. "Can you explain these to me?"
Ciel raised his eyebrows, peering at the magazines like a dainty princess inspecting a pair of especially disgusting underwear. "What is this filth?"
"They call it 'doujinshi'," Yana said tonelessly, her whiskers wiggling as she spoke. "Perverse fan comics starring the two of you."
"My God," Ciel said, voice quivering in awe.
Sebas-chan bent down, and picked up the nearest magazine, flipping through it. Then she giggled. "Well, it's not 'God' you're screaming at the top of your lungs in this particular comic, young master."
Ciel snatched the doujinshi out of Sebas-chan's hands, blushing furiously. "These are completely slanderous and inaccurate."
He took a look down. "I do not wear cat costumes. Or blush and beg Sebastian to do bad things to me. Ever."
"What about maid costumes, young master?" Sebas-chan eyed another doujinshi on the ground.
Ciel turned to him - wait, her. "Shut up, or I'm going to -" he trailed off. "I'm going to - well." A frown edged itself into his features.
"I think 'castrate you with a flame thrower' is no longer a suitable threat, young master."
Pausing, Ciel took a moment to face palm and mutter. Then, he flung the doujinshi he'd been holding to the ground and asked, "Okay, Yana. I get it, some crazy people have been getting the wrong ideas. Publisher not happy, blah blah. But the important thing is, how can we fix this?"
"Well," she said testily, "if you hate it that much, I could change him back. I mean, her back. Yeah."
Ciel eyed her suspiciously. "You're saying this now?"
Yana nodded. "Of course. Since you seem to be unable to live with the absence of Sebastian's penis-" her whiskers quivered dramatically "-then I'll just have to change him back, right?"
Out of narrowed eyes, Ciel asked, "That easily? Wait, you're not usually this kind. Or pass up any opportunity to torture me."
Yana purred, cocking her head to the side. "Slanderous. And yes, that easily. Now."
The cat hopped over to her table, took one of the pencils strewn around, grabbed a piece of paper, then - pink tongue caught between her lips, look of concentration on her face - she began to draw.
As she did, Sebas-chan's body began to change in front of Ciel's very eyes. His height shrank down, and so did Savannah and Maia, giving a pathetic little wheezing sound before they snuggled up tight against Sebas-chan's (now Sebastian's - or well, Sebas-chan-in-the-middle-of-transforming-into-Sebastian's) chest, then his trousers started to fill out again, the material stretching -
And then it was over, and before Ciel, stood Sebastian as he'd known him all along.
Sebastian looked down at his new/old body. "Huh."
Yana adjusted her glasses. "Now if you'll excuse me, I was in the middle of a nap."
Ciel blinked. Looked at Sebastian. Then back at Yana. Blinked again. "Thanks?"
"Don't thank me," the cat said. Then, with a tight smile, "Really. I just had an idea that worked better."
And with that, she jumped up, did another back flip, and the 4th wall materialized again, and all was well on this beautiful day in summer, with the birds chirping and the sun shining and Ciel and Sebastian eying each other. Slightly inappropriately.
When Sebastian exited the room (looking suspiciously more red-faced than when he had entered, but this show is PG-rated, so let's not get any ideas), Bard, Finnian, and Maylene, all of whom had spent the past thirty minutes with their ears pressed against the door and elbows in each other's faces, backed off simultaneously, then collapsed onto themselves and landed as a Black-Widow resembling writhing mass of limbs on the floor.
"Mr. Sebastian," they squeaked in unison.
"You're..." Bard looked him up and down. "...not a woman anymore."
"Not at all a woman anymore," Finnian added, looking as amazed as a five-year old girl in a field full of dandelions. Which was interesting given that he had Bard's elbow in his face.
Sebastian, for his part, gave them a pinning look, then sighed. "I trust you three will go back to work soon."
The threesome watched his receding back in stunned silence.
"...It pains me to say it," Finnian said, breaking the silence, "but I do agree we should go back to Ikea plants."
Bard massaged his shoulder in silent comfort.
And so all was as it should be, to the viewers and readers, the pervy and non-pervy alike. Unresolved shota tension continued to be had, nonsensical plot lines were invented and resolved, and life continued as usual for the inhabitants of the Phantomhive Mansion.
Until one fateful morning in early summer, when a long, drawn-out, "UWAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH" could be heard from Ciel's bedroom, followed by the sound of china breaking, the table falling over, and the sound of several more horrified and entirely undignified screaming.
And somewhere, well hidden beyond the 4th wall, Yana Toboso cackled.
Author's Notes: I've been writing Kuroshitsuji fics for a while now, as some of you might know. For all of my other Kuroshitsuji stories, I'd often get comments that they were amusing/cracky, entirely without me intending for them to be so. Which, you know, is fine, because hey, who am I to complain about what kind of feedback I get? But it was always a bit strange to me since all of my other fics are not really... meant to be comedies.
So, what's the most mature reaction I could think of?
Write THIS and show you what me intentionally writing crack... actually looks like. :D