LOL AUTHOR NOTES:

This was inspired by a crackpot WMG theory on TvTropes. Credit to whoever posted the original idea.

Lion is referred to as a male for simplicity's sake. I feel odd using honorifics in a series with a huge western influence, so I've Anglicized them ("Natsuhi-obasan" I write as "Aunt Natsuhi"). I know this pisses some people off, but please do your best to deal with it. Also LOL SPOILERS up to EP7. So many damn spoilers. Y'all have been warned. Subtle references to EP8, but you'd have to be familiar with the spoilers to catch them anyways.

Yadda yadda, thanks for reading this essay of an author's note. Please enjoy and if you have any feedback/constructive criticism I would love to hear it~.


On October 4th, the Ushiromiya family, their servants, and guests all gathered.

However, it was not on Rokkenjima, but at an overly-extravagant, Western-style reception hall on the mainland.

There was no doubt who they were all there for. However, it seems the two stars themselves forgot.

"Don't you…don't you think you've had enough to drink, Mr. Battler?" the girl formally named Sayo Yasuda questioned. The dress she wore was itchy, and didn't fit around her bust well, so she was constantly squirming in it. She used that as an excuse to stare down at her sleeves, pulling at them and ignoring Battler's gaze. She felt her face grow warm.

She was given a response in the form of Battler taking the latest champagne glass he had downed, and slamming it on the table. She jumped at the noise, and turned to her brother. "C-Come on…your turn."

The boy called Yoshiya Yasuda sighed and rubbed his temples. "Mr. Battler," he said sharply.

Battler gazed at the boy who looked like he was about to pass out from blood loss.

"Both you and Miss Beatrice here are too intoxicated for your own good." He wiped sweat from his brow. Reprimanding the grandson of his employer was something he did not enjoy doing. "It's better if you both stop drinking now before either of you get alcohol poisoning, or destroy something."

Battler stared dumbly at him, a new and completely full glass in his hand.

He took a deep breath, and continued. "You've already had scared both Miss Ange and Miss Maria with your antics—"

Battler laughed, and swished the glass's contents. "Okay, listen you two." He pointed one finger at each of them. "Shannon. Kanon."

The one more commonly called Shannon held her breath. The one more commonly called Kanon did his best to hide his anxiety behind his usual expressionless face.

"For one, Ange and Maria aren't scared." He shook his finger, and motioned with his shoulder to where both girls were being entertained by some of Beatrice's eccentric friends. "They, like me, have inherited Grandfather's strong resistance to alcohol! Alright, now stop being party-poopers." He scoffed to himself, like an angry child. "It's my goddamn wedding. I can get drunk if I want to."

Shannon and Kanon both quickly shrunk back. At the back of the ballroom, one Natsuhi Ushiromiya was waving them over furiously.

The siblings dashed over, both somewhat shaken.

Natsuhi took one look at their faces and grew as pale as Kanon. "Nothing, right?"

"I-I'm sorry, Miss Natsuhi," Shannon said, bowing her head. "Mr. Battler is very resistant when it comes to things like this. If anything, we only made him mad."

Kanon pulled out a nearby chair, and utterly collapsed in it, letting his arms hang down, and resting his face flat on the table.

"Kanon, are you alright?" Natsuhi inquired. She began digging in her purse for the bottle of aspirin she always kept with her.

"I…" Kanon hesitated. "I don't feel comfortable. I feel like becoming one with the furniture."

Shannon giggled, clapping her hands over her mouth.

A voice from behind her prevented Shannon from breaking down into a fit of laughter, though.

"Excuse me, Miss NATSUHI," it said. All three looked to see a girl with shock-purple curls and dull yellow eyes standing there conservatively, with a champagne glass full of what looked like to be cider or some other nonalcoholic drink in it. "Our other acquaintances from the theatre, Miss Erika's group, called the lobby and said they'd be running LATE. They had some problems with their car when driving from the CHURCH. They offer their APOLOGIES."

Natsuhi dug deeper into her purse, and pulled out an absurdly long and folded piece of paper. On it were fifty or more names, some with checks next to them, all handwritten. Her eyes scanned the list until she confirmed four names—Frederica Bernkastel, Miyoko Tanashi (please call her Lambdadelta! scribbled next to it), Tohya Hachijou, and Erika Furudo—had no checks next to them.

"Ah. I see. Thank you for informing me of this, Miss Knox," Natsuhi nodded her head politely, and Dlanor headed back to the lobby.

Natsuhi had gone out there earlier to see Dlanor, along with two very polite girls named Gertrude and Cornelia, playing something resembling poker in the company of the three Siesta sisters. She breathed a sigh of relief.

Beatrice had always been a pleasant woman to Natsuhi. Rowdy, kind of dominating, but always very kind to Natsuhi. Her friends, however, were a different story. Beatrice had long been involved with a local theatre group, and had the respect of many of the other actresses—needless to say, they all had gotten invited. And most of them were not as pleasant.

At the church, the three called Bernkastel, Lambdadelta, and Erika, had rigged various traps in the church (to which almost all of Natsuhi fell victim to), and spent most of the ceremony giggling and smiling oddly. It didn't seem to bother Beatrice, though. The one called Tohya (if Natsuhi could recall, she was the director of the theatre program and a retired actress herself) was a smartass, and treated others as her inferiors—including Natsuhi, of course. And the troupe of seven girls who called themselves Beatrice's assistants were busy occupied with teaching Maria and Ange some "secret theatre tricks" and sexually harassing Battler and Natsuhi's son Lion (not that the former was sober enough to notice).

She was silently glad the four wouldn't be here for a while.

Honestly, the after party had begun not even forty-five minutes before, and havoc was already being wreaked.

Shannon handed her a glass of water, and Natsuhi proceeded to down three large tablets of aspirin. She looked across the ballroom to see the seven girls had let go of Lion—only for Beatrice to be keeping him captive, sitting next to her.

Natsuhi put a hand to her head.

"Perhaps you should sit down now, Miss Natsuhi," Shannon suggested, frowning.

Without a word, Natsuhi took the girl's advice, and sat down in a manner similar to Kanon.

Shannon was about to join the two, when she felt a hand clamp on her shoulder.

"Oh my! You three seem to be missing this fun~" cried the theatergoer known as Zepar.

"Come now, come now," cried the other known as Furfur, who was in the process of dragging Kanon up and back to the other end of the ballroom.

"Miss Beatrice and Mr. Battler," they said in a unison Shannon found both creepy and irritating, "seem to want to tell some kind of story."

Natsuhi looked up at the twins. "A story?" she said, almost crying.

The twins smiled and shrugged, as if they found the idea of drunken newlyweds story-telling to be the best thing in the world. Though, considering they always screamed of the POWER OF LOVE, they probably did think it was the best thing in the world.

Natsuhi reluctantly stood up, and followed the four siblings to where Battler and Beatrice had drawn a crowd.

"Hey," Battler called as soon as he got a glimpse of his aunt. "Aunt Natsuhi! C'm'ere, c'm'ere."

Both of them were seated on top of the front table, swaying and red-faced. Many empty champagne glasses were at their feet.

Natsuhi looked around for Rudolf and Kyrie. Of all people, they should be the ones telling their son to cease from drinking himself into a coma. Alas, they weren't even in the crowd. Kyrie was trying to find some Ange-friendly food from the extravagant menu, and Rudolf was by the lobby holding a spirited conversation with the blue-haired Siesta sister (whatever her given name was; Natsuhi couldn't be bothered to remember).

"Yes, Battler?" she asked, weary. "Maybe you should put down the champagne first..."

Before she could get a response from her nephew, however, she received an overly-boisterous slap on the back from her beloved father-in-law.

"F-Father…"

"Natsuhi!" Kinzo scolded, making his way into the circle. "It's in the Ushiromiya blood to drink! And the boy is at his own wedding party, either way!"

Kinzo proceeded to grab two champagne glasses, give Battler a weird Kinzo-esque seal of approval in a mad smile, and duck back out of the circle. He downed one glass in a few seconds. "Have I ever told you all about my first love?" he inquired.

"Many, many times," Battler said, groaning.

"It was back when I was a soldier in the war!"

The entirety of the Ushiromiya family prepared themselves for the tale they had heard at least twenty times in the past year alone.

Kinzo stared up at the ceiling and started. "I was stationed at Rokkenjima! It used to be an old military base, you know. Before I bought it with my gold."

Getting an approving double eyebrow gesture from Beatrice, who still had Lion captured, Kinzo continued on.

"I was ordered to be a translator for an Italian noble, and that's when I met her!"

Battler downed another glass himself. "And her name was Bice Castiglioni and she was Beato's great-grandma here and Lion's aunt or whatever and you fell madly in love and she gave you gold, but then her dad saw what a creepy old bastard you were and whisked her away to a decent guy."

As Gohda tried to pass by unnoticed, Battler grabbed a cake-like dessert from the tray he was carrying, and examined it. Shoving it in his mouth, he ended, "And you and I are stupidly alike in so many different ways including our taste in women yadda yadda, grandfather."

Beatrice laughed theatrically. Lion cringed, and tried to slip away from his cousin's grasp to no avail.

Kinzo laughed in a similar manner. "Yes! You are indeed my grandson!" He drained the second glass, and headed out towards the lobby, most likely intending to bother Dlanor and her comrades.

Beatrice laughed again. "Anyways." She thought for a moment, and then turned to Battler. "We were going to do something, weren't we?"

"Let Lion go?" the young man asked pathetically.

Beatrice only laughed a third time, and roughly patted his head. "Oh just stay," she warned, showing her front fangs.

"Tell the story of our meeting, you idiot!" Battler said rudely, throwing one of Gohda's pastries at Beatrice.

She herself moved in time to avoid being hit, but Lion's bangs proceeded to become splattered with frosting.

"What did I do wrong?" he asked himself, straining under Beatrice's grasp to get a napkin. "Why am I being treated this way and when is Will that bastard getting here…?"

"I am old, Battler," Beatrice spat, picking up another glass. "My memory is not as good as yours. Ahahahaha…" the blonde proceeded to break into a fit of her trademark laughter, but hysterically. Lion was let go in the process.

He instantly flew over to Natsuhi's side, and pulled her and himself out of the crowd.

He normally did not mind being in Beatrice's hysterical company, but when the subject of his mother and Bice had been brought up, he began to feel uncomfortable.

Putting his arm around Natsuhi, he said, "Mother, please, why don't you just sit down…you've been working all week." While his mother rested her head, and Beato and Battler tried desperately to find a good point to start their story, he looked around for Krauss and Jessica. Krauss was nowhere to be seen, but Lion held no doubts that he was trying to talk business with the hall manager somewhere. Jessica had since been pulled out of the crowd, and Battler was trying to incorporate her, George, and Maria into his opening of the story.

Lion sighed and took a seat next to Natsuhi. This would probably take a while.