So, apparently I can only write AU's now. But whatever, Jamez.
This was inspired by the song "Tighter" by Fitz & the Tantrums. It's a beautiful song, that everyone should go listen to. But this is definitely different than my previous stories, so I hope people like it.
And the rating is for later chapters.
Disclaimer: I own nothing, except the plot.
"Mr. Mitchell...Mr. Mitchell!" the girl yells a bit louder than intended.
"Hm, oh yes. Sorry." Logan is instantly back, due to his student calling him. There are a few giggles from the other students.
"May I go to the restroom?" she politely asks, though there is a tinge of annoyance for having to ask so many times.
"Of course." He hands her the pass and leans back into his chair.
His mind has not been on his class at all today, which is something he didn't want to happen. He never wanted to let his personal life affect work, but today is different. Today is the one day where he is not fighting it. Which is why he scheduled his students a test today. It gives him time to just think.
Today he is leaving James.
He thinks this in his head, but he still has this uncertainty of whether he really should. He wants to just be sure this is what he wants and can do it, but it's incredibly difficult.
James and Logan have been together for just over five years and things were great until eight months ago, when James got promoted. And it wasn't even just the job that bothered Logan. He gets that being the assistant to an editor in chief of a book publishing company would mean he would be busy, so it's not the fact that James is always so focused on work. It's that his attention is never on Logan.
Logan doesn't like to be selfish and think that James should only think about him, but there is nothing in the way that James acts that shows that he knows Logan exists anymore.
James used to come home, run to Logan, give him a kiss and tell him all about his day. But the past eight months have been James coming home, on his phone, going to his office and not even acknowledging Logan.
Logan would make dinner for them, but James would either work late or just work at home, leaving Logan to eat by himself and save the rest for James to eat when he finally decided to come out into the kitchen.
On nights when Logan would stay late to work, he would let James know. Calling him or texting him, just so maybe for once, he could come home to dinner on the table with James waiting. But on those nights, he'd come home to find James glued to the computer or phone and take-out in the fridge.
He's not sure what he did wrong. What suddenly caused James to forget he was there.
They still slept in the same bed, but it might as well have been different ones. They slept on either side of it, not once cuddling to each other. Many nights Logan wanted to, he wanted to wrap his arms around him and lay his head on James' chest, but he couldn't. He felt like he couldn't, like he was living with a stranger.
James and Logan know everything about each other, having been together for so long. But now Logan feels like he doesn't know anything about the guy he is apparently dating. Nothing is like it was and nothing between them feels like it did.
He is taken out of his thoughts by the bell ringing, signaling the end of class. He rushes to tell his students to do their homework and read the assigned book, but he knows none are listening They are all hurrying out the door.
He sighs, collecting the tests that are thrown on his desk. He's not sure when he is going to grade them. Maybe tonight, but he's not sure what kind of state he will be in. He's glad it's the weekend, making it easier for him to get back to normal. He knows if he had to work tomorrow, he would probably break down and cry in front of his students. And that's something no student should ever see.
Logan grabs his bag, stuffing the tests in it, and leaves his classroom, locking it up. He is thankful that was his last class, but now he is about to head home and pack his stuff.
Once he is in his car, he sits there for a few minutes. Wondering if this is something he really wants to do. Is he really ready to leave the guy he has been in love with for five years?
But then he thinks about those five years and how their anniversary was a month ago and James completely forgot. James even stayed late at work and when he got home, he slept in the office. He didn't even say a word to Logan at all that day.
So, yeah, Logan needs to do this.
He turns on the car and drives to their apartment.
His nerves finally hit him fully when he steps into his home. It feels like it does everyday, but there is nothing in this day that is like a normal one.
He walks past the office to see papers strewn everywhere. Logan smiles at this. James was never the most organized and with him writing a book, his thoughts are all over the place and all over the desk.
He walks into their room, grabs a suitcase, box, and a duffel bag. He fills them all with his essentials. He's not taking everything just yet, mainly because James is supposed to be home soon and he wants to be ready to leave by the time he comes in.
Logan thought about just leaving a note and walking out, but he knows James would never see the letter until a few days later. And maybe that could be a good thing, but he wants James to feel something. To wake up. To see Logan again.
He has everything he wants for awhile packed and goes to put the suitcase and box in his car. He leaves the duffel bag in the living room. Mainly that's for emphasis, so James will know he is serious.
He sits on the couch, waiting for James to come home.
His heart is beating out of his chest, his hands are shaking, and he is sweating slightly. He keeps re-thinking everything. Debating if he wants to, but he knows he has to. It's just that this is the hardest thing he has ever done in his life and he's not sure what is going to happen.
He has this hope that James will open his eyes and see how Logan has been hurting. He will apologize, beg for forgiveness and shower Logan with kisses. He wants this. Logan wants James to do this and he thinks that if James does, then he won't leave. But he knows that James acting this way, is highly unlikely.
Logan hears the key in the lock. He feels like he is about to throw up, but he takes a deep breath and stands up from the couch.
"Hi," Logan says, once James steps inside.
James is talking on his phone, he holds up a finger, telling him to wait, as he continues to rattle on about something that Logan doesn't hear.
Logan is about to leave him and he can't stop working for a minute to talk to him. In fairness, Logan knows that James has no idea what is about to happen, but he doesn't care. He can think irrationally right now if he likes.
Eventually, James hangs up the phone. "Hey," he says, while rummaging in the fridge for a drink.
"James..." Logan takes a deep breath, "I'm leaving."
James doesn't even look up, he just continues to stare into the refrigerator. "Oh, if you're going to the store, can you get more milk?"
Logan sighs, feeling tears pricking his eyes. But he is not going to let them fall. "No, James. I'm leaving."
Finally, James glances up and shuts the door. He moves to the living room. James notices the duffel bag and the pained expression on Logan's face. "What?" He knows what he meant, but he still can't really understand.
"Look, this," he gestures between the two of them, "is not working anymore and it hasn't been for awhile now."
James' eyes go wide. "What are you talking about?"
Logan scoffs. "Of course," he mutters. "You really haven't noticed the change in our relationship?"
"We never talk, we never go out and do anything. You're so busy with work now and -"
"Oh," James cuts him off. "I'm sorry that I have a job that I have to do that gives me less free time. I thought you were happy for me?"
"Don't even say that. I am happy for you, so happy. This is bringing you closer to getting your book published, but that's not the problem. Even when you're not working and you're home, it's like you're not. When was the last time you said 'Good morning, Logan' and gave me a kiss before I left for work?"
"Is that what you want?"
"I can do that."
"No, you can't. You haven't for months, there is no way you'll start now." Logan wants to look down, but he has to stand his ground and stare right into those hazel eyes.
"Months?" He raises his eyebrows.
Logan chuckles lightly, he knew James didn't notice a thing. "I'm done." He moves to pick up his bag. He knows he has to leave now, if he doesn't walk away now, then he will never be able to. "Bye." Logan walks out the door and doesn't even look back, even though he desperately wants to.
"Logan." And it's not a plea for him to come back, it's not him yelling for him to stay or him begging Logan not to leave him. It's just like how James would say his name as if Logan had just said a really corny joke.
Logan throws the bag in his car, finally letting a few stray tears fall. He wants to just fall apart and cry forever, but he needs to leave and get to hotel before he changes his mind.
He knows this moment has been building for awhile now. Building's the wrong word, more like collapsing. Everything he knew is ending in front of his eyes. The man he loves is sitting in that apartment, not even coming after him. Not trying to win his heart back.
Logan sighs and finally pulls away. He's not sure what is going to happen now. Everything has changed and maybe that is for the best. He's not sure yet though.
James watches Logan in his car. He sees him wipe his eyes, take a deep breath and sit there for what feels like forever, but soon enough, the car drives away from him.
He moves to the kitchen and sits down on one of their bar stools, as he runs a hand through his hair.
He can hear his phone ringing, but he cannot bring himself to answer it just yet. He knows it's his boss and she'll be upset that he didn't answer, but he couldn't care at this point.
Months? Has this really been going on for months? Logan has really been hurting for that long? He wonders why he never said anything, why he never confronted him about what has been going on. But maybe Logan wanted James to notice himself.
He knows that work as made him busy and writing his book takes up the time that he isn't working, but he didn't even think about Logan. But that's the problem, he figures. He didn't think about Logan. Has he really ignored him for months?
He continues to sit there, thinking back to every moment. He's not really sure what is going to happen now, he knows Logan won't forgive him that easily and he's not even sure if he can fix himself that easily.
But this was his wake up call. Late as it may be, his eyes are open.
The longer he sits there though, he realizes he's not crying. His heart isn't broken, he's not weeping for the fact that the guy he loves, has walked away from him.
It feels like it always does.
Logan's just in the other room, grading papers. Logan's staying late at work. Logan is picking up milk from the grocery store. Logan is coming back.