My name is James Diamond, and I have a secret.
This has been going on for a while now. I'm too scared to tell anyone, yet I don't really want anyone to know about this. I try and keep this a secret from the rest of the guys, in fear that they'll judge me, won't be there for me, and ultimately not want to be friends with me anymore. I don't want to tell Mrs. Knight, because I don't want her to worry over me, even though I know she'd try and get me help. I don't even want to tell Katie, because even though she is quite mature for a ten year old, I don't want her to get into these sorts of habits. Hell, even my parents don't even know about my problem. I just feel like I can't tell anyone.
I just feel the need to look my best. I work out, right? But I just feel like that doesn't always work out for me. I mean, I can't work out every single day of my life, even though everyone knows I would do that if I could. There are just days though where we spend countless hours in the studio, or those weeks we spend on tour, where I can't get to the gym, and I just wanted to find some sort of other way to keep my weight down… But unfortunately, I just fell into the wrong path.
Every day that I do it, the thought of why I'm doing it is always there in my mind. I'm there in the bathroom, I just finished taking a shower, I have the music blaring from when I was singing in the shower… And there it all goes. All to keep that perfect image that I have. I want to keep my perfect image.
It sucks, and I know it's one of the worst things for me to do. I hate having to try and hide it from everyone, because as far as they know, nothing's wrong. Everything's fine and dandy. It's not though, and only if they knew, if only I had the guts to tell them.
I just really wish I could tell someone. I want help, but I just don't know if I can do it. I feel like I'm not as strong as I seem. This is something I don't want to be dealing with every single day down the road. I don't want this to end up killing me.
One day, maybe I will get past my nerves and work up the strength to at least tell someone. This really isn't healthy for me though. It's like I'm making myself more unhealthy when I just want to keep myself healthy.
I'm sure the boys won't actually be judging me at all if I told them. They'll probably just be supportive, along with Mrs. Knight and Katie… I guess that's what I need right now. Support. I need to make the commitment to get over this.
I will get better. I promise.
A/N: This is something that I wrote out of a personal experience… I've been struggling being bulimic for a while now.. But I have met some wonderful people that have made me want to get over it and get better. Stay strong =]