Harry Potter and all of it's settings and characters are the property of JK Rowling.
Author's Note: Ok so this came into being because my best friend and co-conspirator Chumbarella came across a story that had a chapter of detention lines and it turned us into a couple of lunatics we were laughing so hard. We decided to try out our own version and this is the result. I am actually thinking of turning this from a one shot into an actual story at some point but for now it's just a bit of fluff. We tip our hats to the comedic genius that inspired this story and give a nod to the authors of the few lines that we pilfered. Those are marked with a *. Everything else came from our twisted brains =) We hope you like it!
Hermione Granger sat in the Gryffindor common room, trying to finish her homework assignment.
Fate, however, seemed to be against her.
Every time she settled into a thought something would pop up to interrupt her. The newest distraction was the appearance of her two best friends, running through the portrait in a fit of laughter.
"Hermione!" Ron shouted as they spotted her, "You have to see this!"
"Yah," Harry agreed as they stopped at her table, "It's priceless!"
She eyed the parchment in their hands warily. "What is it?"
"It's a record of detention lines," Ron answered, "We found it in Filch's office when we were looking for my Honeydukes stash the old rotter confiscated."
"You broke into Filch's office for some candy?" She shook her head, "Honestly Ron, what were you thinking?"
"Hey, nothing bad happened. And besides, this was definitely worth it," he answered, "We've only read the first few lines but they're hysterical. Here, listen."
"I will not trick Professor Trelawney into calling the physic hotline; not even if I tape the conversation for Professor McGonagall; not even if Professor McGonagall laughs."*
Ok so that is a bit funny, she admitted to herself. Ron passed the parchment to Harry and he read one as well.
"I am not permitted to ask Professor Flitwick where Snow White is."*
She giggled and the boys continued to pass the lines back and forth each reading one.
"Under no circumstance am I to greet Professor McGonagall by inquiring, 'What's up pussycat? Whoa whoa whooa.' Neither is 'What ho, lawn ornament!' a suitable greeting for Professor Flitwick."*
"'Not enough room to swing a cat in here' is a muggle saying, not a testable hypothesis."*
They were all laughing now. "Oh look," Harry said and pointed at the page, "Some of them are signed."
"If it breathes fire, spits acid, drinks blood, has more than one head, is native to the forbidden forest, or larger than Professor Flitwick; it is not an acceptable familiar. ~Rubeus Hagrid"
Giggles abounded. "That sounds like Hagrid."
"I will not attempt to fly my broomstick up the staircase to the girl's dormitory. ~ James Potter"
"And that sounds like my father." Harry laughed.
"Amortentia is not an acceptable way of securing a date for the Yule Ball. ~ Alexander Vane"
"Blimey," Ron chortled, "D'you suppose that's Romilda's father?"
"Urinating in the house cup is unacceptable. Even if Slytherin wins. ~ Sirius Black"
"Sniffing girls is not an appropriate way to show my interest. ~ Remus Lupin"
"Oh now that's classic," Harry said when he caught his breath, "I can just imagine him trying to explain that."
"Hey look," Ron said after taking the parchment, "they get more recent towards the bottom."
"Convincing first years that there is candy hidden under the Whomping Willow is not an acceptable way to spend an afternoon. ~ Draco Malfoy"
"I will not ask Professor Moody if I can borrow his eye to spy into the girl's locker room. ~ Dean Thomas"
"Professor Dumbledore is not related to Santa Claus. Sitting on his lap and asking for presents will not be tolerated. ~ Luna Lovegood"
"Dropping a small house on Professor Umbridge and singing "Ding Dong the Witch is Dead" is highly inappropriate. ~ Seamus Finnigan"
"Oh that was hysterical! I remember when he did that." Hermione said between giggles and took the parchment to have a turn herself. "Look, there's a whole section just for Fred and George!"
"Filling Professor Quirrell's office with garlic is not considered an acceptable way to protect him from vampires."
"Throwing a bucket of water on Professor Snape will not cause him to melt."
"Sending rings to the female faculty members for Christmas with the salutation, 'Love, Voldemort' is not funny."*
The three friends actually thought that was quite hilarious and now had tears streaming down their faces as they continued to pass the parchment around.
"Spiking the faculty punch at the Yuletide Ball with love potion is not an appropriate way of spreading Christmas cheer."
"Professor Lupin did not huff and puff and blow my house down."
"Turning Mrs Norris pink is not acceptable, even if it was meant as a Valentine to Mr. Filch."
"If caught after hours in the halls; waiving my wand and saying, 'These are not the students you are looking for' will not save me from detention."*
"My name is not Inigo Montoya. Professor Snape did not kill my father, nor must he prepare to die."*
"They went through a muggle roovy phase when Dad brought home that weird little box," Ron said with a snort, "I think he called it a Beecyare." This caused Hermione and Harry's laughter to increase exponentially.
"It's movies and a VCR." Hermione said when she could breathe again. "Here, give it over."
"We will not replace the headmaster's lemon drops with anything we have created ourselves."
"Sending toilet seats to patients in the infirmary is unhygienic."
"Convincing Peeves to follow Professor Snape around the castle and throw tiny bottles of shampoo at him is very ill advised."
Ron took the parchment and then suddenly looked like he was having some sort fit and started rolling around on the floor, unable to speak through his mirth.
"What is it?" Harry asked wiping the tears from his eyes, "What could possibly be funnier than Peeves throwing shampoo at Snape?" Hermione stopped laughing when Ron pointed at her, as she had a sinking feeling she knew exactly what it said. She made a mad dash to take the page from Ron before Harry could get it but Ron was not cooperating. He held the parchment out of her reach and Harry pulled it from the red head's outstretched hand. He read the last line which didn't have anything to do with Fred and George's legacy.
"Drawing hearts around Professor Lockhart's name does not count as added inches to my potions essay. ~ Hermione Granger"
Harry tried to keep it in, honestly he did, but one look at Hermione's supremely perturbed expression had the laughter exploding from him, sending him down to the floor to join Ron.
"It's not that funny!" Hermione fumed, "Besides, my parchment was sufficiently long without that part. Professor Snape was just being ornery. And I was twelve! I seem to remember you two doing a lot of ridiculous things when Fluer first showed up so you can both just bugger off!"
The boys finally managed to reign in their merriment and sat up. "We're sorry Hermione," Harry said with a small chuckle, "But honestly, why on earth would you turn in anything with little hearts on it to Snape?"
"I didn't mean to!" she hissed defensively, "That was my practice homework. I never meant to turn it in-"
"You practice your homework?" Ron cut in incredulously.
"Of course! You can't just turn in the first thing you scribble down."
Both boys shared a look that said, "Why not?"
"I always recopy my homework to make sure it's formatted properly and to get rid of any errors," she continued, missing their exchange, "but that night you two dragged me away on some hair brained scheme and I forgot to get back to it. The next day I turned in the practice scroll, thinking I had already redone it. Needless to say, Professor Snape was not amused."
This caused another fit of giggles and Hermione had to admit it was a little funny.
I wonder what he would think if he knew that his name is now the one that would appear in hearts if I still indulged in such things. She sighed at the impossibility of her feelings and, after bidding Harry and Ron goodnight as they went up to show the list to Seamus and Dean, got back to her assignment.
Though she did pause to doodle one tiny heart with a small S in the margin.