Title: Cure for Love
Translated by: Emily Waters
Language of the original: Russian
Link to the original: http: / www. fanrus. com/ view_? id=778&o=r
"Huh? What? Who... Potter!"
"Professor Snape, I need that potion! The same one you gave me last time. It's an emergency!"
"Potter, do you know what time it is?"
"That's not important."
"I was sleeping!"
"Well... you're awake now."
"How could I not be awake after the loopy Savior of the Wizarding World came flying out of my Floo, screaming Professor Snape!"
"Um. Why are you sleeping in the armchair in the sitting room, rather than in the bedroom, in bed?"
"None of your business, Potter."
"That mystery is too deep for my pitiful brain to comprehend?"
"I grew tired of you dragging me out of bed in the middle of the night. Though – that observation regarding your pitiful brain? Exceptionally accurate."
"And you're still wearing that grey nightshirt to bed?"
"No. I've been gifted a new one. Black silk."
"Huh? Oh. You're joking. Well, I'm not laughing. I'm suffering."
"Oh, what a sublime joy to hear you say that."
"Stop talking like some sort of character in a prehistoric novel."
"I am a prehistoric character, Potter, and no black silk nightshirt is going to change that. So, you need the potion again?"
"For Merlin's sake, yes!"
"You're suffering, aren't you?"
"And you're glad to hear it!"
"It'd be pointless to deny it. Who is it this time?"
"Stop it. She's magnificent!"
"Of course. A boundless ocean of wisdom, and not a drop of sex-appeal. Potter, how did you manage to fall for her?"
"Listen, Snape, if you don't want me to Crucio you on the spot, stop insulting Hermione! She's the most clever, the most adorable..."
"And stop snapping your fingers in front of my face! What am I, a trained poodle?"
"Indeed not, Potter. I wouldn't even think of insinuating something like that. It'd be insulting. To the poodle, at any rate. All right, all right. So you're in love. With Hermione."
"I'm in love with Hermione! I'm going mad! I can't sleep! I can't eat!"
"I could never tell. You look like you're glowing."
"And you – you look like you've been in love for thirty years and the object of your desire isn't returning your feelings!"
"Potter, unlike you, I have no trouble eating or sleeping."
"I know. You've got no heart. You're as cold and heartless as the Giant Squid in Hogwarts lake."
"Fine! Cold and heartless as... as the towers of Hogwarts. You like this metaphor better?"
"Hmm... Potter, are you sweet-talking me?"
"Yes! I need my potion! I need to sleep!"
"What's stopping you?"
"Hermione! I love her."
"Take your bloody potion and get out. Good heavens."
"Next time, do sleep in your bed. I want to see that new nightshirt of yours."
"Alas, I'm only having breakfast, Potter. If you're here to torment me, you're late. Or perhaps, you're early."
"Professor Snape, I can't eat!"
"Oh, let me guess. You're in love again."
"It's not my fault, you know. It's that bloody 'great power of love'. Once I let it all out, I can't get it under control. Would you stop smirking! If not for the great power of love, Voldemort would still be alive!"
"Hm. It might be better than endure the kind of torment you're subjecting me to now."
"You're so unbelievably selfish! You – having to endure; what about what I'm having to endure!"
"Mmhm. Potter. Relax. Breathe deeply."
"Give me the potion."
"I'm not obligated to do that, you realize. If you've got problems, you can turn to the healers at St. Mungo's."
"Oh yes? And have the newspapers inform the entire world of my illness? I can already see the headlines: Harry Potter can't stop falling in love with random people!"
"You're going to be even more popular. Just imagine the crowds of admirers that'll gather by your house..."
"I'm trying not to. Who the hell wants to be popular that way? Give me the potion!"
"What if I don't?"
"Do not toy with me, Snape! I'm twitchy, and I've got the doctor's note to prove it!"
"I don't need the note. I know."
"That you're twitchy. And prone to overreacting. By the way, why do you look so flushed?"
"It's hot in here."
"Is that so? I never noticed. Why don't you step outside, it's cooler there, I'm certain."
"Give me the potion, and I'll leave at once. You've promised Albus you'll be helping me!"
"Hm. I promise a lot of things. Very well, whom are you enamoured with this time?"
"I won't tell you."
"Then I won't be able to calculate the dosage correctly."
"Liar. You're just curious."
"Well, I reckon I'm entitled to some sort of compensation for my trouble."
"I... I won't tell you! You'll laugh."
"Well, Potter, I await with bated breath."
"Uh... Luna Lovegood."
"And are you so certain that you wish to be rid of your infatuation? Just imagine what an adorable pair you two would make!"
"Fine, fine. Give me a minute. Here you go. Is that all?"
"Yes. Thank you."
"You're welcome, may it finally do the trick."
"Professor Snape, where are you?"
"Potter, do not enter! Potter, if you do enter, you will die!"
"There's no need to shout. What, it's not like I haven't seen people bathe before."
"Get out, and don't even hope to get any sort of help from me!"
"Huh... I... I guess I'd better step out. Oy. It's so bloody hot in here."
"Potter, it's so cold here that flies drop dead, freezing in mid-flight. It seems to me that your blood pressure is fluctuating. Your face is always red. Give me my dressing gown and look away. Look away, I say!"
"Fine. It's not like I wanted to look at you anyway."
"So don't. What, same old thing? You can't eat, you can't sleep, is that it?"
"Professor, this time it's really horrible."
"Who is the object of your infatuation this time? Pansy Parkinson?"
"I dread to imagine."
"And rightly so. Give me a double dose."
"Potter, you will lose your hair."
"The hell with it. I'm sick of it anyway. Keeps sticking out at all the wrong angles..."
"And by the way, Potter, it is absolutely not hot in here. Do not lie. I have no idea why you're blushing all the time, but heat has nothing to do with it. Here's your potion. Goodbye."
"And you aren't even going to ask me who I'm in love with?"
"I only recently stopped having nightmares. I would rather not regain them."
"Oh quit it. You're curious. I can tell."
"And you're willing to confess?"
"Well, sure. I'm going to be cured in a moment. Want me to tell you?"
"The suspense is killing me."
"Potter, off to St. Mungo's with you. Now."
"There's nothing abnormal about it!"
"St. Mungo's! Now! Potter!"
"Fine. Be like that. Have fun with your nightmares. By the way, your dressing gown is open... Huh. It's hot in here. I'm leaving."
"Do say hello to the young Weasley couple from me. And also convey my sincere condolences to them."
"Bloody hell, Potter! Have you got any idea how badly an aged port wine stains the robe, and how difficult it is to get those stains out? Beginning tomorrow, I'm warding my Floo. You have been warned."
"Never mind protecting your Floo – you should start worrying about yourself! What on earth did you put into that potion?"
"I will not divulge all my trade secrets to some undisciplined..."
"You've got to! Tell me, what did you do?"
"What did I do? Are you still in love with the Weasley idiot?"
"Don't call him an idiot, he's my best friend!"
"Indeed. What else could he become, after keeping your company for so long? Even I begin to sense that our regular meetings are sealing my doom."
"In what way?"
"I'm getting stupider with you around. Tell me, Potter, is your indignation due to the fact that you're slowly turning into a chameleon?"
"I mean your new habit of suddenly changing colours. First you blushed... and now your face is all blotchy. Curious. The potion should have no side effects. Though it could be an allergy..."
"Oh, shut up, for Merlin's sake! How could you?"
"Potter. Just tell me what troubles you, and I'll tell you what went wrong..."
"Everything went wrong. I can't tell you. I really can't. So... this isn't your doing?"
"This conversation is meaningless, Potter. How can I answer you if I don't know what you're talking about?"
"Odd, but I think I believe you. Even you aren't that good a liar."
"Do not underestimate me. Shall I give you more potion?"
"Yes! No! I don't know. What if it makes things worse?"
"Worse than now? I doubt that's possible."
"I... So you think I've got an allergy? Snape, you have to tell me the recipe. Don't make me force the issue."
"Force the issue, and pray tell how would you do that?"
"How would you like to experience Imperio?"
"How would you like to experience Azkaban?"
"Snape, I'm begging you! Do you want me to beg on my knees?"
"Gods, whom on earth could you be infatuated with this time? Very well. But first things first. Do you see this, Potter? Do you see this thing? Do you know what it is?"
"That's your... wand."
"Potter, stop it."
"It's not my fault I'm blushing! I can't help it!"
"Damn you, Potter. Yes, that's my wand."
"Now you're blushing."
"Now I'm dangerously close to kicking you out. Hm, it really is hot in here. Odd that I never noticed it before. Anyway, Potter, if you should attack me, I will use my wand and wipe the floor with you."
"Don't you ever shut the hearth down even for a bit? It's so hot in here, I can't breathe."
"Open the window. Now, let's get back to business. Potter... don't make any sudden moves. I was giving you a placebo."
"That slimy shit that comes out of a woman after she gives birth?"
"No, Potter, that's placenta. I was giving you a placebo. A pacifier. An inert solution with vitamins added to it, you understand? You've been using it so often, that you could have easily developed an allergy. An allergy to vitamin C, for example."
"Huh... a pacifier? But it worked! I fell out of love whenever I took the potion!"
"Self-suggestion is a grand thing, Potter. That's what the placebo effect is based on. Besides, you probably weren't truly in love with any of those chits and blokes. All your infatuations must have been nothing but the residual trace of your 'great power of love'.
"Bloody hell, what am I going to do now? If I didn't know, maybe it would have worked again! Why did you tell me?"
"You asked me to."
"I ask a lot of things... Oh wait, I've got it. Do brew me the real potion."
"Potter. I have a better idea. Why don't you simply go with it this time? Let the feelings run their course."
"Just open up about your feelings to whomever you're in love with, and move in with that person. Sooner or later, you'll have to settle down with someone..."
"Someone, yes, but – you?"
"Potter, what did you just say? Actually, never mind, don't repeat that. I'm off to brew the potion."
"I've told you how I felt."
"You'll have to wait three days. The potion takes time."
"Don't bother. I'm not going to drink it. I confessed, and therefore..."
"And therefore nothing! Nothing, you hear me! Will you wait for the potion?"
"In that case, get out!"
"Because the 'great power of love' is driving me bonkers! I'm bloody sick of it! I can't stand the thought of falling in love with everyone I cross paths with for the rest of my life. And you, Snape... you're the best cure for love one can find. Sooner or later, even 'the great power of love' won't be able to stand the contact with you and will just dissipate. I'll stop falling in love altogether – and I'll be glad of it!
"And I should feel pleased? Potter, get the hell out. I don't do charity."
"Your feelings are hurt."
"Not even close."
"Then why are you huffing?"
"I'm not – Listen, Potter. I'm not going to argue with you. Get the hell out, and take your love with you, it seems to be contagious. And it really is hot in here. I should put the fire out in the hearth.
"What if I tell you the real reason I've chosen you? Will you stop trying to kick me out?"
"I don't want to hear it."
"Hah! Yes you do! You're all ears."
"I'm not – fine, do tell me. And then I'll kick you out."
"I won't leave. So well, I've decided to stay with you because, for a while now..."
"I've been – madly, insanely wanting to..."
"Potter, you pause one more time, and you're a dead man."
"...to see that black silk nightshirt of yours."
"Shall I bring it out and show you?"
"To see you in it. And you without it. Oh, and there's one other reason I need to be with you. I think I've gotten myself addicted to your vitamins."