Okay – rated T for good reason. Not quite M, but still a little... whoa. Beware. I warned you.
As a side note, completely OOC, random, weird, yet still funny (I think), and created at one in the morning. But still, enjoy my little one-shot and I'll be heading off to slumberland.
Disclaimer: I own nothing.
"You know, I guess practically living with her would force me to get to know her, but God, I'm just a little... a little... er" – "uncomfortable?" – "yes, thank you, uncomfortable with how things are playing out. For example, did you know that she swears?"
"I've heard her swear before, I'm pretty sure."
"She does. A lot. It ruins the prudish image I've always had of her. And she drinks."
"Not as much as me, mind you, but once in a while I'll walk in on her studying with a glass of wine. What the hell?"
"She's seventeen, she is of age–"
"But! But, it's – it's..." Draco trailed off, slumping down on the jade sofa, defeat swirling around him in an angry aura. Blaise Zabini chuckled.
"Is Draco Malfoy perhaps realizing how normal Hermione Granger is?"
"No!" Draco snapped, and that was true. It definitely was not a realization of Hermione's normalcy, no, not at all. "The other day she told me to take her."
"... to McGonagall. She finished her sentence two seconds later. And I still don't know why the hell she couldn't have taken herself." He hesitated, pondering this. Oh, good God.
"So you're saying that if she paused another second, you'd have taken her," Blaise smirked suggestively.
"You're horny. For Granger. Oh, man."
"I am not!"
"Yes, now go to your shared common room and come back tomorrow and tell me that again. Ten galleons says you can't."
"Oh, trust me," Draco snapped, standing up and throwing a pillow straight into Blaise's gleaming eyes. "I will."
Draco approached the Head dorms, clenching his fists tightly. He opened the portrait, climbed through the hole, and saw Hermione sitting at the fireplace, casually scrawling on a roll of parchment.
"Hey, Malfoy, can I show you something?"
Draco stared at her. "What?" he asked apprehensively. Hermione smiled mischievously.
"Oh, come with me to the bathroom, I'll show you."
Draco flushed. "Um–"
She didn't even notice, but rather rolled up her parchment with a snap and inclined her head toward the large bathroom nearly hidden in the wall portraits.
"Ah," Draco said, as he entered the lavatory, staring at a tube that Hermione was holding in her hand, unscrewing the top.
Please, Draco, never use the word 'screw' in your vocabulary again.
She finished unfastening the top, squeezing the tube, white paste spilling out and sticking to Hermione's thumb and forefinger, the two closest digits to the end.
"My mum just sent me this, to remind me to use my Muggle ways sometimes," Hermione said ruefully, pulling out a tiny brush. "Harry already knows about these, but Ron was just fascinated, so I thought that you would be too."
"What is that?" Despite the way that she grouped him in the same category as Weasley, he was morbidly curious. His hand was half extended to touch the small bottle.
"Toothpaste. You brush your teeth with it to clean and whiten them," Hermione said, handing Draco the brush with the paste on it. He scrutinized it. It smells like peppermint.
"Are you saying my teeth need cleaning?" he glared at her, then turned his head and opened his mouth for the mirror opposite him. Two rows of snow-white, perfectly square teeth shone brightly back.
"No, no," Hermione smiled, "your teeth are perfect. Just try it!"
"And then she told me to brush my teeth with toothpaste," Draco said sourly, to his audience of a fascinated, but confused, Blaise.
"Er, it's like a white paste that you put in your mouth to clean and whiten them. It's minty," Draco said, remembering Hermione's lecture the night before.
"Oh, good grief. I bet you had fun with that description."
"I – that's completely unrelated."
"And then what happened?"
"She told me I was doing it wrong, that I had to spit, not swallow."
Blaise choked, laughter and tears spilling out simultaneously. "Oh, Draco, and did you push her up against the wall and demand she do the same?"
"I hate you."
"Then why do you keep telling me all this?"
"Because who else am I supposed to tell?" Draco blew up, throwing his hands in the air and tugging the blanket upwards as well on accident. "Pansy? Goyle? Or how about I send a letter to my father in Azkaban, see if he has any good advice?"
"I noticed that you couldn't look me in the eye and say you weren't horny for Granger, by the way."
"Hey, it's only five in the morning. I have all day."
"Fine, fine," Blaise said, fluffing his pillow. "But next time, don't crawl into my bed at four-thirty in the morning and cry about your problems."
"I didn't cry."
"Whatever, go to your own room! Which, seeing as how you have your own room and own bathroom, should be significantly better than this place."
Draco pulled the blanket up higher, so it touched his chin. "I'm staying here until breakfast."
"What, you're leaving Granger alone in that big, scary dorm?"
"Go to sleep."
"Me? Who's the one who fucking barged in and shoved himself right next to me – and just so you know, if you weren't so clearly obsessed with a girl right now, I'd kicked your ass to the moon for being this close."
"I bought a new shag today."
"You know... a rug?"
"I – never mind." Draco hissed, settling down in his chair with a pile of books on his lap. It was only after breakfast, but seriously. His mind was gone, resting in the gutters like there was no tomorrow.
"You know, you're irritating me a lot lately," Hermione snapped, flipping a page in her own book roughly. "You always reply with a 'mhm' or a 'whatever'."
"Is that why you have no friends? Because you're incapable of doing anything other than sitting and stewing in your own narcissism?"
"Who flipped your bitch switch on today?"
"You, since you're so annoying!"
"Why do you even care if I talk to you?" retorted Draco, examining his nails. "Mudblood?"
"Argh! Fuck you!"
Yes, please, fuck me.
Hermione glared at him, and Draco sighed, standing up.
"I'm going crazy," Draco whispered, sliding in down next to Blaise and moaning. "Absolutely, utterly, disturbingly crazy."
"It's lunchtime, and you have yet to deny that you're–"
"I know, I know!"
"Why is your hair wet?"
"Help me!" Draco hissed, pulling chicken and potatoes his way. "Fast! How do you deal with it?"
"I don't need to, because I have a girlfriend," Blaise nodded to the redhead sitting across from Hermione. Draco raised an eyebrow, before realization sunk in.
"Oh. Disgusting, Weaselette."
"So... when you realized you loved Granger, you stopped with all the other girls you've been whoring around with. Now you're having withdrawal symptoms."
"I knew you were lying about your sexual escapades."
"I'm going to bed..."
"Remember our bet!"
Blaise stared up at the ceiling, a gentle smirk resting on his lips. Draco couldn't do it, eh? He couldn't get himself to stop drooling over Hermione Granger long enough to take a quick Veritaserum pill and state that he was not very nearly in love with her.
Maybe he really is in love, Blaise thought, snorting to himself. Draco still owed him ten galleons. He rolled over, falling deep into a soft slumber–
Blaise jumped up to a sitting position, mouth half open blearily and heart racing at lightning speed.
"WHAT?" he roared back, and if Draco's first scream didn't wake the rest of the room, Blaise's sure did. Mumbles emitted from the dark beds scattered lazily in the dungeon dorm.
Rubbing his eyes, Blaise took in Draco's state of being: unbuttoned shirt, wrinkled pants, sweat everywhere, and a triumphant gleam in his eye.
"Oh, I see. How'd you do it?"
"I think I just went up to her and said 'bang me'." Draco leapt onto Blaise's bed, hitting his knees quite hard. Blaise groaned. "I don't quite remember, I wasn't very right in the head at that moment."
"Get out of my bed, you freak! Did you wash your hands?"
Draco ignored him. "And you know what? She did! I guess the sexual tension was too much for her to bear too."
"Excellent. Now go away and let me sleep!"
"Wait," Goyle's voice mumbled from the lump covered in blankets in the corner, "you just left her there and ran here?"
"Oh, here," Draco reached into his pockets and pulled out a handful of coins. "Ten galleons, my friend, because I am still and always will be horny for Granger."
"Oh, God. Give me the gold and get out!" Blaise yawned, and Draco dropped the money right onto his lap.
"What, Draco, you're shagging Granger?" Nott asked sleepily.
"Round two, mate!" Draco sped out of the room, bare feet slapping happily down all the way out of the common room. Blaise blinked, listening as the wall slammed shut again.
"I really don't think we'll sleep tonight, Blaise."
And Nott was correct. Draco skidded back in at about two in the morning, smugly proclaiming his fetish for toothpaste.
"CHANGE THE PASSWORD BEFORE HE COMES BACK IN AGAIN!
Sorry if there're errors but I'm tired and need to sleeeeep! Like Blaise. But I do hope you enjoyed, I had the utmost fun writing it. And yes, Draco Malfoy went completely loony. Sorry.