Disclaimer: I own a fat ginger cat who sleeps all day unless he is hungry, in which case he runs around manically until he is fed. I do not, however, own anything remotely to do with Harry Potter. All that stuff belongs to the star that is, JK.
Hmm, this is perhaps the strangest little thing I ever wrote! And after this I will probably go back to writing a few more serious fics, with the funnier ones in between. In the meantime, this story is dedicated to mellys'girl who is an awesome reviewer who I FIND very amazing (AVPM forever, lol) Anyway, on with the show!
"Sirius...oi, Sirius. SIRIUS!"
"Shh! Sirius get your lazy arse out of bed, now!"
"S'too eearrlyyy James..."
"Yeah, but we have to be up early or we won't be ready in time!"
James sighed, exasperated. He hissed "Moony's April Fool's prank, you prat! You know, that event we've been planning for weeks now?"
Sirius shot up from his pillow, suddenly wide awake and full of excitement. "Oh yeah! Quick, what time is it?"
"Quarter past six," Peter piped in, stepping beside James "We have exactly...forty minutes to prepare."
"Forty minutes? Crap, let's get going!" Sirius leapt from his bed, grinning manically. Damn it, he couldn't wait!
At exactly five minutes to seven, Remus' alarm clock began to ring. He yawned, sleepily, and reluctantly darted a hand out from his strangely, overly-warm covers into the cold air to turn it off. He sighed, gently pushing the sleep from his eyes. Remus liked getting up early – not only did it mean that he mostly got the shower first, but it also meant that he, though not quite as self-conscious as he was a few years ago, didn't necessarily have to expose his scars so much to the rest of the boys in his dorm. Suddenly, thinking of his friends who he shared a room with, Remus groaned. He knew exactly what day it was today – April Fool's Day. Though fairly excited in a mischievous, Marauder manner about the pranks that the four had planned to play on the school later that day, Remus was only too aware that he himself was very liable to be pranked (prior to the full moon, Remus' friends seemed to find it highly amusing to wind up their easily stressed friend) and also that though amusing, pranking also meant detentions.
Cautiously, Remus strained to listen around the room. It was all quiet, but for some heavy nearby breathing that Remus assumed was the other boys sleeping. Dropping his shoulders as he relaxed slightly, Remus slowly began to sit up. He made to swing his leg out from the bed but -
Remus' legs were stuck to his mattress. He wriggled around for a moment, before cursing under his friends under his breath. "Guys? Not funny, let me out!" Remus darted his hands around under the covers – was there magic glue involved or just a ridiculous charm? Suddenly, Remus' hand brushed over something that felt unlike bed or his own body. He heard a muffled "Mmmm, oh yeah," followed by a very Peter-like giggle which was quickly muffled. Remus turned over, and stared in horror at the sight that met his eyes.
"Well good morning Remmykins. I was wondering when you'd wake up." Professor McGonagall purred in his ear, seductively. Remus yelped in terror and shock, and desperately tried to shuffle away, but of course he was stuck to the bed. McGonagall laughed and drew closer, draping herself across Remus' chest. He was clinging to the edge of the mattress, trying to get away, but her elderly, bony arms snaked over him and pulled him back against her body. Remus shuddered.
"Ooh, Reemy, there's no need to call me Professor anymore," she whispered in a low, husky voice "You can call me Minnie...the minx!" She giggled and ran her hand up Remus' leg raunchily, which he quickly jerked to try and pull away, but to no avail.
"This...this m-might seem like a ridiculous question, P-Prof...M..." Remus struggled with what to name the bony woman lying beside him, "What are you d-doing in my bed?" He gulped.
"Baby darling, don't you remember?" Remus shook his head furiously, which he had pulled as far away as possible from his teacher. "But last night...you renounced your undying love for me...our unrequited fantasies were addressed..." She placed her thin lips at his bright red ear and whispered huskily "We made passionate love under the stars, Remmypops. You called me your wildcat and I called you my naughty little wolf. My inappropriate toy boy," She waggled her eyebrows at him, and Remus cried out again, before staring at the eyebrows.
"If this is you, Sirius, or James, playing a prank, I swear to god I'll – "
"No! It is I, Minnie McGonagall! Run away with me, Remmy! I need you, I crave your innocent love!"
"SIRIUS! GET OFF ME NOW!"
"But I'm over here!" said Sirius, emerging from the bathroom.
"Fine then, JAMES! TRANSFORM BACK, NOW!"
"What are you shouting about Moony? It's too early!" James popped up from under his covers on the opposite bed, running his hand through his messy black hair.
"Well then – wha...Peter? If this is you then get the HELL OFF ME NOW!" Remus was becoming ever more confused and frustrated...not to mention creeped out.
"What? I'd never do anything like that, I'm over here!" Peter, too, crawled out sleepily from under his duvet.
"THEN WHAT IN THE NAME OF MERLIN IS GOING ON?" Remus shouted furiously. McGonagall traced the outline of his face, before grasping Remus' hand and stroking it over her chest. He recoiled with a "Nyaaaa!" of disgust, as she winked saucily at him.
"So did you like my tartan undies, Remmychops?"
"Please tell me this is the worst nightmare of my life?" Remus wailed, as James Sirius and Peter rolled around in hysterics. Sirius piped up, "Well we did wonder where you went last night, Moony. And then when you came back really late with somebody giggling with you, we all thought you were finally going to get laid with Grace and left you to it!"
"But – wha – first of all, Grace and I haven't even talked about doing...that yet,"
"Yeah but we all know you both want to!"
"Tut, Moony, too embarrassed to even say the word sex and yet here you are in bed with Minnie, you old saucepot!" James joined in, clutching his sides as he laughed.
"I HAVEN'T SLEPT WITH MIN...MCGONAGALL! And anyway, I wasn't out last night, I was here! I was asleep!"
"Yeah, with Minnie."
"NO I WASN'T!"
"Don't deny it, my naughty wolf; don't you see that we were made for each other?"
"Aaaargh, don't say that! And also, WHY AM I STUCK TO MY BED?"
At that point, the room erupted into laughter, as Remus, furious, tried to force his way from the bed. Sirius deftly flicked his wand at the bed and Remus was free; immediately he sprang up and out of the bed. He looked down in horror at what he was wearing – his pyjama bottoms along with a white T Shirt with McGonagall's picture on the front, reading "Minnie's the Minx for Me!" Hung from his shoulder was a lacy tartan bra, which he cast away in horror. McGonagall lay shrieking in hysterical laughter, as everybody stood up and shouted merrily "APRIL FOOL'S!" Remus' scowl did not subside, and he glared angrily at all of them.
"I AM GOING TO KILL YOU ALL!"
Suddenly, he hesitated. "Wait...if this was just a joke...who's McGonagall?" Remus paled and the four other people in the dorm laughed even louder, James actually emitting a howl of joy.
"This is NOT funny! I swear to god, I'm going to – "
Knock knock knock. The room turned deathly silent, as the unmistakable stern voice of Professor McGonagall flooded through the door.
"Boys, what on Earth are you up to in there? It's very early and you're waking everybody else up!"
The McGonagall imposter in Remus' bed sporting a short tartan nightie said a very rude word, very loudly. Sirius shot him a glare from across the room.
"I BEGYOUR PARDON?" *gasps for breath from the inhabitants of the dorm as another bout of furious laughter threatens to escape*
"Oh we're screwed..."
"Seeya bye!" Peter whispered hastily, before scurrying into the bathroom and slamming the door shut. Remus stood, baffled, as Professor McGonagall burst into the room.
"WHAT IN THE NAME OF GODRIC GRYFFINDOR IS GOING ON IN HERE?" McGonagall stood, nostrils flaring, eyes wide and livid at the scene facing her.
Remus stood near his bed, looking amusingly frustrated and confused, wearing a T Shirt with her picture embellished across it as well as an inappropriate message. In his bed lay...herself?...wearing a skimpy tartan nightgown and a lot of makeup. On the floor was an empty potion bottle and a...a...revealing female undergarment, which made the Professor gag. Sitting in the beds on the other side of the room were James and Sirius, James looking particularly more nervous and anxious than Sirius. And amongst that, the dorm was a mess; the only relatively, acceptably tidy area being the one surrounding Remus' bed. "Would somebody please care to tell me the meaning of this?" she spat, ignoring the desperately concealed laughter coming from her double and from James. Her double opened her mouth to speak "Well, Professor,"
"Sirius, look, your hair!" James pointed, to Remus' confusion, at the McGonagall double. Suddenly, everything made sense.
"Oh you utter bast-" Remus eyed McGonagall glaring at him before shutting his mouth and glaring, with an oh-so-slight upwards twitch of the mouth at James. Now he understood. He looked over at the McGonagall double, who was of course Sirius in Polyjuice disguise. His hair had begun to shrink backwards and it was turning from grey to wavy black. In Sirius' bed, his hair had begun to shrink back a little and his eyes had begun to turn from blue-grey to hazel. And In James' bed, James had begun to shrink and grow stouter. When they had finished transforming, the real Professor McGonagall was far from amused. "You four will join me in my office in precisely ten minutes." She glared crossly at them all, before storming from the room.
The moment she had left, the four Marauders (even Remus) burst out into hysterical laughter; particularly Sirius, who was lying in the tartan nightie with tears streaming down his face. He wasn't sure he had ever laughed quite so much in his whole life, not even with the toilet incident with himself James and McGonagall at the end of last year. After about three minutes straight of pure laughter, Remus composed himself enough to think about something which had bothered him. "I h-hate you all!" he said, through bursts of laughter. "But I'm confused. If you were all here, and McGonagall, that makes five of us. Who was pretending to be Peter?"
The bathroom door swung open and Lily jumped out. "Ta-daa!" she cried, and they all started laughing again.
"Oh Remus, the look on your face when you saw who was sharing your bed!" She squealed, as they roared in the dorm.
"No, no, you should have seen his face when I called him my t-t-toy boy!" Sirius collapsed on the floor with the others, in a heap of weak, over-laughed bodies.
"That was bloody frightening! I actually thought for a moment that I'd...that I'd..." Remus was unable to continue through splutters of laughter and shudders, and the others all shouted "WE KNOW!"
"James my friend, give me a high five for our official best ever April Fool!" James smacked his hand against Sirius', wiping the tears from his face.
"How the hell are we going to explain this to McGonagall?" he sniggered weakly, as Lily buried her face against the side of Remus' bed, weeping with laughter.
"God only knows, she's going to kill us!" Peter whispered, with a sudden rush of hysterical nervous laughter that started everybody off again.
"You know what?" Sirius tugged at a scarlet thread from the nightie he was still wearing "I don't care. What's more interesting is, I think my nightie matched her dressing gown!"
As the five groaned with laughter yet again, they all knew that it was going to be a very, very long day!
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