March 30th 17"

I keep having this dream, one that really makes me think about my goal. I wonder just how true the visions from it are.

I'm at a wedding, my wedding. I stand at the altar waiting for my bride to come down the aisle. The music starts, the doors open, and two figures come out. One is my Lieutenant Riza Hawkeye, and the only person I trust completely. The other is hard to figure out, but I am sure that it is a human-like embodiment of Amestris. The second figure is wearing the Fuhrer's uniform, the face is masked in the country's flag, as are the hands. I know it at least has a feminine physique.

Riza is in an exquisite white gown her face covered in a shimmering veil. She's wearing blue earrings and a necklace that was her mother's I have only seen it once in my life. She also has my silver broach, obviously something borrowed. The broach is a gift from her, sculpted silver flames she had made for when I was granted my state title.

In my gloved right hand I hold a gold wedding band. One with a small, but crystal clear diamond. I hold the ring unable to choose a bride. I look from Riza to Amestris indecisive for once in my life. I look at Riza and she lifts her veil. I look into her mahogany eyes and she holds my gaze.

I know my reasoning is visible to the 'Hawk's Eyes' and I know what my decision is when her look shatters. Her composure fails for a millisecond and I see her turmoil. I blink and she gives me a halfhearted smile. Her eyes fall to look at her feet as she steps back. I take her hand quickly my mind reeling. "Riza I'm sorry," I say and she nods her head not making eye contact.

I look back at Amestris and take her left hand. I place the ring on the flag wrapped finger. I feel a shuddering sensation as my General's uniform changes to that of the Fuhrer's. Amestris vanishes as I am suddenly at my goal's end. I have reached it, but at what cost? I look down at my feet to see Hawkeye far bellow me barely smiling and her eyes not meeting mine.

She is crying, and no longer in white, but her uniform, her gun in her hands. She is stopping shadowy figures from climbing up the ladder I just got off of. I look at Amestris thriving in fortune and goodwill. I have done my job well obviously.

Then I can not breath. My throat is constricted by something tightening around it. I grasp at it and hear Riza's scream. My hands wrap around a chain and I pull on it. I pull against the constricting force and look behind me. It's the chain from my pocket watch, but much larger. It loops around my legs as well now, and I am trapped.

My vision swims as Riza desperately tries to climb the ladder. Something holds her back and I see that it is my own famed alchemy. Flames are eating the ladder, consuming it. She fires her gun, and the bullets hit the chain, but her efforts do not help. I reach my hand for her as I fall to my knees. I'm fading fast and I know this. She reaches back for me, but the distance seems to expand even further.

The last thought my dream self articulates is this: Every step I took towards my goal was a step away from Riza. I pushed her too far away from me, and now I'm being destroyed by my own goal.

That's it, all of it. That recurring nightmare I have. My subconscious mind is determined to keep me from sleeping. I wonder why my mind never seems to play out what would happen if I took Riza as my wife. Obviously I can not have them both, and if I took Riza what would happen to Amestris? If it does so well in the current nightmare will it fail if I go for the only woman I trust? Obviously what they say is true, a man can not serve two masters. And I have promised to protect Amestris just as Riza Hawkeye has. I guess I just have to wait and see.

Roy Mustang