Title: Lost Dreams and Silly Wishes

Rating: M

PostSecret Prompt Used: I'm in love with my best friend

http:/ bit[.]ly/gMDyl0

Summary: Letting go of silly wishes, and pointless notions. Because a boy can only last for so long.

PostSecret concept created by Frank Warren. Recognizable characters and story elements are the property of Stephenie Meyer•


[dreams wishes notions]

"Edward, Angela wants to know if you'll fuck her?"

…And I'm choking on my banana.

This only invites jokes, and the fuckers - none of them are even helping me.

Not even her.

Fuckers.

It's another kid, someone at the table next to us that pats my back for me, letting the offensive piece of banana leave my throat. I'd feel touched, but this dude has a crush and me, and I don't wanna lead him on.

So I just say thanks, and even though I know that he stands there, waiting for more - a kiss, maybe? - I stare, or rather, glare straightforward at Bella.

The fuckiest of them all.

Demetri, her fucking boyfriend, laughs and says, "Damn, Edster, " - if it's really so hard for him to remember my name, then I weep at what he'll be like in a couple years - "if you want to have shit in your mouth so bad, I know someone that'll gladly put it there for you."

I choose not to say anything, to not stoop down to his level, but I'm at least hoping that she'll stand up for me.

Instead, she laughs and flirtingly pats his arm. I look at her, asking with my eyes, 'really?' and I know that she gets it, but she looks away.

Why do I have romantic feelings toward her? She's a good friend (sometimes) but...

God.

I can't even.

Pushing the chair back, I get up, not even bothering to come up with an excuse.

Not like they'll care, anyway.

I walk out of the cafeteria, feeling her eyes on me. Hoping that she'll get up and follow me. Hoping that she doesn't.

She doesn't.

I'm walking and I'm walking and yes, I may or may not be crying, but - fuck you, I'm comfortable enough with my sexuality to admit it.

Am I too boring, too unimportant, too plain? Or is she too cool, too exciting, too popular, too... her for me to even matter on her long list of friends anymore?

I used to be number one.

[dreams wishes notions]

I'm in the back of the school, under the bleachers, with my sister and her boyfriend of the week.

And we may or may not be smoking.

But, whateverthefuck. It's pot. Natural, God-made. My lungs are perfectly safe, and all that shit.

I mean, yeah, I smoke cigs occasionally, too. So my lungs actually aren't safe. But it's not from the weed, and yes, I'm just... gonna shut up now.

"Alice," I say, because that's her name and people tend to appreciate being called by their names, "why do you think Bella hates me?"

I'm a curious mofo when I'm high.

"She doesn't hate you. She just... doesn't like you," she smirks and were it not for the fact that she has a chain in her vicinity and is fucking psycho enough to choke me with it - I would totally step on her.

Because I'm taller than her.

And tall people - we step on those shorter than us.

I frown. And then I stick my tongue out at her.

"I kid, I kid. Calm your nips. Bella cares about you, and you know this."

"Yeah, well, she sure doesn't show it very well. All that seems to matter to her is Demetri and how big his dick is and whether or not Lauren is going to go to the mall with her and pretty much just anything but me."

And then, she's there.

"You're still my number one."

And I can't help the weird clench of my heart or that fucking pesky feeling of no air when I see her.

But still, because I need something, some dignity, I snark, "You sure have a fucking funny way of letting me know."

She stares at me, in that pressing way of hers, and I stare back until I just can't anymore.

And then, Alice gives a distraction. I'm not even sure what, but she does, and that means the world to me.

We chat pointlessly for a while, me and Alice and BoW (boyfriend of week) and Bella, but we're avoiding.

Bella and I? We need to talk. This shit has been going on for too fucking long.

Eventually, Alice and BoW leave.

So then it's just me and Bella.

"Your house, after school," and she turns and walks away.

And then there was one.

[dreams wishes notions]

We're up in my room, and she has a picture in her hand.

We were thirteen. She'd just gotten her you know - first visit, and had been bawling her eyes out about it. Her mom had been away for work, and my parents and oldest sister were on vacation - I was staying with her and her dad, along with Alice. (We were grounded for throwing a textbook at our teacher.)

Her father, the poor guy, had absolutely no idea what to do.

So, he made me go to the drugstore with her to buy you know - the lifesavers. Obviously, I forced Alice to go with us, since she'd gotten hers the year before (early bloomer, mom said). But once we got there, she saw some 'hot' dude and ditched us. When she finally came back, she found Bella on my back, looking at the top shelves, trying to figure out if they were better brands or something.

Alice made some weird noise, and we got startled. Or rather, I got startled. Either way, we still fell.

The photo is all us, limbs tangled, an unhealthy shade of red. Her legs are too short and she's too flat-chested; my legs are too long and I'm too skinny.

I love that photo.

Because it reminds me of a time when we didn't keep anything from each other, no matter how embarrassing or awkward it was.

That time is so fucking long gone.

"What happened to us, Bella?" Because it seems like if I don't say something, she never will. And we'll be exactly where we left off.

"Nothing," she whispers, putting the photo and its frame back down. "You're still my best friend, and I'm still yours, right?"

I don't know why she asks this, especially when she knows that, "I'll always be your best friend." I pause, and take a deep breath. "But will you always be mine?"

She starts to nod, but I continue. "Are you meaning to tell me that I'm before Demetri and Lauren and Jessica and your freaking social status?"

The questions hangs in the air.

She does nothing, she says nothing.

Because she knows that I'm right.

[dreams wishes notions]

She leaves my room soon after that. Goes across the hall to Alice's.

Stays there for an hour.

Sad that she speaks to Alice now more than she speaks to me, considering that Alice hated her for our entire childhood.

She'd always thought that Bella wouldn't last. That she'd leave.

Huh.

[dreams wishes notions]

My sister calls.

"Hey, Alice told me to call you. What's up?"

"Nothing."

I wanted to tell her. I really did. But I couldn't.

"Lies. You know that you can tell me anything, right, Edward?"

"Yeah."

"Who is it? I'll have James kill them for you. Painfully. And slowly."

Ha. As if James would ever look at her wrong, let alone kill her. His uncle would kill him. With his legally-issued gun. Then he'd come after me and bury me for not being her best friend for all of eternity.

So fucked-up.

"Funny. Really, it is."

"Edward, do not make me come down there and hurt you."

"Don't give me any ideas."

Silence.

I sigh. "I was just fucking kidding, Vic."

"I don't give a fuck if you were drunk, high, and on meds. Don't say shit like that to me. You know what I've fucking been through, Edward. When I say stuff like that... Fuck, E. What's wrong with you?"

"Bella."

"What about her? Don't try to change the subject."

"No, no," and I shake my head, even though I know she can't see me, "Bella is the problem."

"Oh."

"Yeah. Oh."

"What happened?"

"Her. She's a lying, cheating, fake, vain and plastic wannabe bitch of a whore. Or something like that."

"Some strong words you have there," she says, and her voice is light.

"Nowhere near enough."

It's quiet for a couple of seconds. She's whispering something in the background. I don't know what.

"I can't say that I'm surprised."

"What do you mean?"

"E, I know that you probably see – well, saw her as some amazing can-do-no-evil perfect girl. But she hasn't been that way for a long time now. And to be honest, I'm not sorry that you found out. I'm just sorry that you found out so late. You might think that you're in love with her. But you're not. You're in love with the image you built in your head."

"I'm not in love with her," but she knows - I know that it's a lie; the worst lie.

"You need to grow up, E. Let go of your lost dreams, silly wishes, and pointless notions."

"Vic, you don't get it. It's not that easy for me."

"Why not?"

"She broke me."

[dreams wishes notions]

"Bella, sweetheart, are you staying for dinner?"

I'm in the kitchen, getting a Coke. And I really don't want her to stay. Dammit, Mom.

She looks at me, but not for long.

It doesn't matter how it is taken. How she interprets it.

My face is a definite no.

"No, thank you, Esme. I'm sorry, but my parents are expecting me," she says all this with a smile on her face, but managing to look truly remorseful.

It's so not true. Her parents are away at a party, and quite frankly, couldn't give a fuck if she goes up or down, sucks or blows.

Which she probably will be doing, now that I think about it.

Funny.

Go spend time with your precious Demetri.

Gossip with your little friends.

But don't stay and pretend like we're perfectly fine.

"Okay. Maybe next time?"

Bella nods, and leaves.

I breathe.

I slam the fridge.

I ignore my mother's questions.

I vent to Alice.

I go to bed.

I cry myself to sleep.

[dreams wishes notions]

I'm determined.

I'm going to fuck the first girl that approaches me, and get over her.

Alice doesn't count.

Neither does my mom, you sick bastards.

But Christ – someone really has it out for me.

Bella's standing in front of my door, and her face is blotchy.

Instincts tell me to run to her. To ask what's wrong. To fix it. To kill whoever caused it.

I ignore instinct.

She did this to herself, and if she truly cares, she can fix it herself, too.

I walk around her, get into the car and wait for Alice to hurry the hell up and come out.

She doesn't even eat breakfast, and I eat half of all that's made – and yet she still gets out after me.

What the freaking hell?

When she finally does get out, she spends an hour talking to Bella.

Well, more like two minutes – but two minutes too long.

"She wants to talk to you."

"I have much more important things to do than hear her make up some crap excuse."

I say this loud enough that she hears. Right next to my door, she's standing. She hears me. She looks like she wants to cry – but how many nights have I spent actually crying?

Yeah, screw her.

I'm being a little harsh. But it's warranted.

I've loved her for far too long and gotten my heart broken far too many times to even care.

I used to say that she deserves better than me – I deserve better than her.

[dreams wishes notions]

Angela.

Angela is the first girl that approaches me.

"Hi, Edward. Looking down. Y'okay?"

Single. Pretty. Almost my height, big lips. Big tits. Just got her hair colored. Blonde with some type of brown mixed in. Amazing.

But then I realize that my do-whoever plan won't work out too well.

I'm still a virgin, and Angela should get more than a two-minute romp.

I've noticed her, though.

It's funny how many girls I've practically ignored because of my stupid little puppy love.

I need to go to a party.

"Fine. Any parties happening soon?"

"No. Mike was going to, but his parents canceled their cruise."

Damn.

"Alright. Thanks, anyway."

She smiles and walks away,

[dreams wishes notions]

I go to a bar that night.

It's a Wednesday, and it's probably a bad idea, considering that this isn't my scene. But I need to lose my virginity.

Seriously.

Bella'd gotten me a fake ID, claiming that I had to have one. We were supposed to go into our first club together. Instead, she went with Demetri.

I really wish he'd die.

But no – she's not going to ruin this night for me. She's not.

"Hi, baby," some lady says next to me. Twenties, it looks like. She's not bad on the eyes. At all. Curves that she barely hides in a dress. Low start, high stop.

I look up at her through my lashes, and I smile. "Hey."

I might not have that much experience, but when I was fifteen, my dad spent a month dedicated to showing me how to 'woo' a woman. I've got tricks up my sleeve.

"What are you doing here so alone?" She sits and her legs aren't closed enough. She's leaning toward me, and her cleavage is all up in my face.

I'm hard, then. Only a man.

"I don't know? What am I doing here alone?" I lean back against the bar counter.

Subtle.

Just a little drunk.

"As far I'm concerned, you could have been very... surrounded ten minutes ago."

I drown the rest of my drink, and I'm up.

My parents will be pissed the fuck off. I can't find it in me to care.

[dreams wishes notions]

I wake up in her bed.

Yes, I remember. I wasn't that drunk.

She's still sleeping, and I've heard too many horror stories about morning afters, so I rush getting clothed, scribble a 'thank you' note, and leave.

Her place isn't too far from the bar, so I walk to my car.

Okay, so yeah – I didn't last long. At all. She was shocked, though, that rather than turning over and going to sleep, I did something for her during the in-between time before I was ready again.

Bright side?

[dreams wishes notions]

"Edward? Where the hell have you been?"

My mom's just a little mad.

"I spent the entire night looking for you! Do you know how out of my mind worried I was? If you're going to run off to wherever, at least give us the glory of a call!"

It was so worth it.

She keeps talking, but I zone out.

"Where's Dad?" I ask, probably interrupting her.

"Edward Evan Cummings Cullen! How dare you interrupt me. Do you want to get grounded, mister?"

She pokes me in the chest, and I get the faintest thought that my mother is on something.

"Forgive me. But this is really fucking important."

"Language. He's in his office," then she walks off to get some more of her pot. Or salvia. Whatever.

[dreams wishes notions]

"I'm a man."

"Good for you. Couldn't you have become a man after you called your mother? She wouldn't let me sleep. I had to put my foot down when she asked me to call the FBI."

"What's she on?"

"I don't know. I think Renee had her try some crap called salvia yesterday."

I nod. "Ah, yeah. The latest trend. That Disney girl was smoking it. Video and all."

"Which one?"

"Kinda whoreish one."

"Which one?"

I laugh. It feels good to.

[dreams wishes notions]

"Hi, Angela."

"Oh, hey, Edward! I hear that you like... just disappeared yesterday."

I roll my eyes. "My mom was on something."

"Ooh, salvia? Tyler got a new order of that two days ago. I hear it's strong as hell," Angela smiles.

"My dad said that my mom started singing Kumbaya in the middle of dinner. She has serious issues with Kumbaya, so..."

Awkward silence.

I just need to bone her, and all will be well.

"Hey, I'm going to Blue's Room with a couple of friends. They don't go here, and I was wondering if you'd like to go with."

I grin. "Yeah. I'd love to."

[dreams wishes notions]

"Alice, I need help. I have a kinda/sorta/maybe a lil' bit date with Angela, and I have no idea what to wear."

She's sitting against the headboard of her bed, and she barely looks up from the book she's reading.

"You and I both know that I am worthless at all things fashion. My closet consists of shirts, jeans, and maybe a dress or two. Call Vic. She's good with shit like that."

So I do.

"Vic, I have a kinda date and need something - "

"Gray long-sleeved, black pants. Black sneaks – yes, those. And suspenders. Black."

"I'll look emo, Vic."

"Shuddup and go try them on. Take a pic when you're done and send to me. And... go!"

[dreams wishes notions]

I meet her at the bar.

Place. Thing. Whateverthefuck.

"Edward!" I hear, and look over to see Angela motioning for me to join her.

Dress, short. Dark. Her boobs are all fucking out.

Goddamn.

[dreams wishes notions]

It's been a couple of hours, and I'm shitfaced drunk.

I watched Jesus pimpslap Hitler a couple minutes ago.

Angela is just as bad, if not worse.

We're in a hallway of some sort, and I'm against a wall.

She's on her knees.

And I'm getting my first blowjob of motherfucking ever.

Naturally, I don't last long.

Naturally, I come saying Bella's name.

[dreams wishes notions]

"Aliiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiice?"

"Hello? The fuck is this?"

"E'wad. 'assup, Lice?"

"Are you drunk?"

"Nahhhhh. Li, ya know – s'don't think 'ella likes me very much. Whisthat?"

"E, I'm coming to pick you up, okay. Stay right you are, and don't fucking move. Is Angela still there with you?"

"Nose. S'left."

"Alright. Stay. Sit, okay?" She's murmuring in the background, and I hear keys and a door slamming.

I think.

And I think.

I'm thoughtful when drunk.

Or something like that.

I don't know.

I wouldn't know.

Always been the responsible one

Drunk Bella, giggling. Flirting.

Everyone but me.

Sober Edward, all, "No, Bella. Don't hug the pole. Or hump it. Sweetheart, don't."

And saving her from something.

Always.

Some dude trying to feel her while her dear boyfriend is off getting sucked off. Some girl kissing her in the corner, hand up her sure-to-be-there skirt, even though she can barely stand up.

Always me.

Always.

Fuck it.

[dreams wishes notions]

Li is driving, and I'm laying down in the back.

I call Demetri.

Bella'd programmed it into my phone, and I've never gotten around to deleting it.

He takes a long time to pick up, but finally answers with, "Sup?"

"'Metri? S'Ed'wad. 'ella fucked ya best friend last year, o'er break. An' s'knows 'bout Sloren. Jus'you know."

"Edward? Shit, are you fucking drunk? Get the fuck off my phone. Bella doesn't know about Lauren, first of all, and you're never going to tell her. Second of all, she fucks nobody but me."

"I got peekchuresss," I tease. Giggling. Laughing. Whatever. All the same.

He hangs up.

[dreams wishes notions]

Music.

That song about lesbians that Alice just loves to blast on fucking high.

I know she's doing it on purpose. Payback. For making her get up when the fuck ever it was to go get me.

But damn. Any other song. Like, The Script or something. Their songs aren't that fucking loud.

I groan, and put a pillow over my head, trying to block out the noise, because Christ, my head hurts.

Obviously, they have a sensor that lets them know whenever that pillow moves.

Or a chip in my shoulder.

Either one.

"Edward!" My mom walks into my room, yelling, like nothing is out of the ordinary. "How ever are you, dear?"

I have an urge to shoot her, but that'd cause effort and noise.

Plus, she carries a gun. A pink one. Fucking scary, that lady.

"Ma, do you hate me?" I moan, because I swear that it's true.

She gasps, obnoxiously loud, as if she can't believe that I would ever say such a thing.

Evil.

"Oh, Edward, dear!" Again with the fucking yelling, woman. "I could never hate you, my sweet."

Dad walks in, because, quite frankly, my mother is rarely - if ever - truly serious.

"Edward. You know how we feel about drinking. It should only occur during holidays, birthdays, special occasions, and times of distress."

How strict.

"I was under distress," I argue, defending myself. Though, really, my parents are the worst at dishing out punishments.

My dead pet hamster was scarier.

"Not so much so that you needed to illegally go into a bar, and proceed to drink everything there. I don't care how much Bella pisses you off," wait – who the fuck told him? - "you don't endanger yourself like that. Have kitchen duty for the next month, and you go nowhere. Home, school. That's it."

Did I actually worry them with this? The most that they ever dish out, is having to wash dishes for a week.

But of course – fucking figures.

[dreams wishes notions]

"Hey, Edward."

It's Angela, and from what little I remember about last night, I'm kind of trying to avoid her.

I'm not one of those guys, dammit. I don't do stuff like that to a girl, in a fucking public hallway.

I can't conveniently act like I didn't hear, because we have the next two classes together. So I turn, fake a smile, and wait for her to continue.

"About last night... I'm sorry. I can barely remember anything, but I'm pretty sure that I left you there, by yourself. I really hope that you didn't try to drive."

She doesn't remember the blowjob, and I feel no need to remind her.

"No, yeah. Yeah. I got Alice to pick me up," and I just really want this conversation to end. I'm not good at stuff like this. Stuff like holding back, or lying. At least, I didn't used to be.

"My sister," I explain at the confused look on her face. She nods. "Alright," I say, awkward and just... not comfortable. "I'll just... go. Yeah."

I wave goodbye to her as I turn, and she looks... sad.

I hope to hell I didn't cause that.

[dreams wishes notions]

There's somebody behind me, and I can tell that obnoxious scent anywhere. I don't turn, though.

I don't go.

She's practically molding herself to me, and it just... feels wrong.

Her hands go around to my front, and she grabs.

I close my eyes, hard, trying to block it, but not willing to move away.

And then she's in front of me, and my zipper goes down, and my pants are down, and fuck, I need to stop this.

But I don't.

Her hand is on me, and it's moving.

And moving.

And moving.

And I come.

And for that brief moment, that moment I've been waiting for, that moment when I actually feel something, it doesn't bother me so much that I just let her 'best friend' give me a handjob, behind the bleachers.

Because I feel.

[dreams wishes notions]

She interrupts my class, asking for me. My teacher demands that I go, because Bella won't leave until I do.

I sigh. "What do you want, Bella?"

She looks fine. No bags under her eyes. No blotchiness. Perfect. As always.

I'm a mess.

I'm guilty, but I don't know why. My first time was supposed to be with her. I told myself this.

Lost dreams, silly wishes, pointless notions.

"I need a favor." Her voice is firm. Strong. Perfect. As always.

"I owe you nothing."

"Actually, you do." She pauses. "I need you to take my virginity for me. It doesn't have to be long. Just insert and take out. It shouldn't take more than that, anyway, seeing as how you'll be so amazed at actually being inside someone."

"Oh, I've been inside someone. Just ask Lauren. I'm sure she'll share. But, wow. You? A virgin? Shocking."

She flinches. But she deserves it. She had no right to say that to me. Not now, not ever.

I hate her at that moment.

So much.

"I'm sorry," but it falls on empty ears.

"Save it. If you want it taken away so bad, ask your precious Demetri. If he hasn't already gotten his dick sucked that day, of course."

We both know it's true.

"You're just jealous of him because he got me when you never could."

Wow.

I don't bother replying, because she's not worth the breath anymore.

I stand there, waiting for more of her ever-so-mature words. I'll be damned if I walk away first.

"I didn't mean it like that."

I say nothing.

"You know I didn't. You got me angry. I'm sorry."

I say nothing.

"Edward."

I'm weak.

So, so weak.

"When do you want me to do it?"

[dreams wishes notions]