The Trials of Commentating


"Hello there folks! My name is Lily Evans and I'll be your commentator for today. Now I know a lot of you are wondering if I know a thing about Quidditch but, trust me, if it weren't for James bloody –"

"Miss Evans!"

"-Potter saying I didn't know the difference between a quaffle and the Giant Squid I most certainly wouldn't be wasting my time talking about all these conceited Quidditch players."

"Please Miss Evans, get on with the commentary."

"Right. Now it's the finals today and, as a side note, the last game for many of the Gryffindor team including Captain – James Potter – who we all know is pretty barmy about Quidditch – so let's assume this is going to be one hell of a nasty game! The Gryffindor team need to win by one hundred and eighty points to get the cup against Slytherin! Oh, and here come the players now!"

"...Miss Evans, are you going to say their names?"

"What! I had to learn their names! Merlin, Professor, you expect too much of a witch..."

"Miss Evans."

"Alright, alright, stop the glaring...And from Slytherin we have: Bulstrode, Gordon, Motley, Goyle, Astor, Hart and Binxy the Minxy!"

"Please, Miss Evans. Just announce the Gryffindor team...why did Hooch choose you..."

"Because of my wit and charm Professor! Now the awesomely fantastic Gryffindor team are coming onto the field: Bones, McKinnon, Black, Taylor, Corott, Hanse and Potter! Now, if I do say so myself, Potter looks rather dashing today, doesn't he?"

"Miss Evans! Please refrain from personal opinions!"

"Sorry Professor and Potter I'd prefer it if you didn't grin at me like that. This is all your fault-"

"I don't care whose fault it is! Commentate properly!"

"Sorry, Professor. Now Hooch is throwing up the quaffle and – Yes! Potter's got it! Slytherin Beaters, Gordon and Motley, are cornering him which is odd because there's no bludger around...Potter swerves around Goyle, Astor and Binxy who have tried to corner him and – THAT'S ILLEGAL! COME ON REF! The Slytherin Beaters in a blatant foul just knocked Potter off his broom and...Yes, Hooch's calling a foul after that scandalous bit of-"

"Miss Evans-"

"Yeah, yeah. Potter takes the foul and scores, obviously. Bl- Oi! Don't you dare blow a kiss at me, Potter! I don't care how cute you look –"

"Evans if you say one more thing about Potter's appearance I will take that megaphone away from you!"

"Oh yeah? And who'll commentate? You?"

"Evans I don't know what's come over you today but you are now officially being disbanded from you commentating. Now hand over the-"





"...Alright, I'm taking refugee in the stands – whoops, maybe I should leave the Slytherin section – was there any need to throw food at me?"

"Get out of here Evans!"


"Jeez...Anyway, Black is seemingly very angry at the moment Oh, come on Black it's not my fault Potter's laughing so hard. I'm the victim in this situation...Ah, finally, the Gryffindor section. Oh hello Remus!"

"Hello Lily."

"Yes, now Potter if you don't get back in the game I assure you I won't get around to asking you out to Hogsemead – which I plan to do at the after party- because your team will have murdered me."

"I think James is a bit stunned."

"Good observation skills – It seems that the Gryffindor seeker and Bulstrode have caught sight of the snitch at the end of the field. They're neck to neck...come on...come on...THAT WAS BLAGGING! Binxy just leant over and pulled back on the Gryffindor seeker's – Martin Hanse- broom to stop him chasing after the snitch resorting in both of them losing sight of the ruddy ball. And-"

"Hey, Lily, McGonagall's coming."

"! Band around me!"


"Cripes, she sounds angry. Unfortunately, Astor's got the quaffle and is flying towards the Gryffindor hoops and - dammit, he scored. It's – what's the score Remus?"

"I think around fifty to seventy in favour of Gryffindor."

"Oh well, fifty to seventy in favour of Gryffindor. Must of missed those when I was arguing with McGongall. Anybody with a bit of sense could have seen Astor was just bluffing with the pull right. That's right Bones, I'm talking to you –Black has swung a bludger towards Hart and yes! He's off his broom! There goes one Slytherin player – ah, Binxy the Minxy is pulling a time out. The players are descending towards the ground and they've got sixty seconds – POTTER! WHAT ARE YOU DOING UP HERE?"

"Hello James."

"Hullo Evans."

"Potter, your team is waiting."

"Hmmm...Now about that date thing-"

"Now is really not the time."

"Oh, alright then. But...Evans?"

"Yes Potter? This better be important."

"Trust me it is...Do I really look dashing on my broom?"


"See ya then, Evans."

"Oh don't you wink at me boy – and the players are back in the match! It seems that the Slytherin's have managed to force Hart back on his broom even though he looks like he's in pain...that hit him rather hard in the head."

"Good job, Sirius."

"Remus! This is my commentating. I had to fight for it."

"As everybody already knows."

"Hmph. The Slytherin team are shooting me distinctly dirty looks – worse than McGonagalls – so I feel that this is a time to remind them that you can get fouled for shooting a bludger in the stands...Ah, Potter scores again! Very good, James, very good."

"Do you fancy James, Lily?"

"Is now really the time?"


"Shut up Alice! Jeez, so, because of my terrible mates, I just missed that...seems Black was fouled for a bit of elbowing. Hm, yes, Slytherin score making the score sixty to seventy, still in favour of Slytherin."

"Don't try to hide behind your commentating, Lily. You fancy James like mad."

"Ah, unfortunately Slytherin score again! Tied at seventy. Come on Bones! And Potter, what on earth are you doing?"

"He's rather shocked still by the fancying comments."

"Yes, the true fancying comments."

"Are they really true, Alice?"


"Black seems to have knocked some sense into Potter and he's flying – YES! HE'S GOT THE QUAFFLE! And he- SCORES! Yes Potter!"

"Maybe he scored because he's happy you fancy him."

"Shut up Alice. Goyle retaliates with hitting the bludger towards Potter, but it's a miss- SHIT! DID THAT HIT YOUR ARM JAMES?"

"Lily fancies James, Lily fancies James..."

"Is this really the time? James has called for a time out– and this time he better not fly up here – and is in serious discussion with his players ...Hooch is calling for game to resume. Two chasers have been injured, one on each team...we're leading into the crucial moments of the match and – Hello Professor!"


"Run Lily!"

"Distract her! Alright, I'm in the Ravenclaw section now...hey guys...and it seems that Hart's arm is hurting a bit more then he's letting on as he misses an easy shot by Binxy. The quaffle falls to Taylor who is flying towards the Gryffindor hoops...and BONES SAVES IT! Good on you, Bones!"


"Oh, there's McGonagall, come on of you catch the snitch now! Ah, Potter's managed to pass the ball to Taylor who passes it to – no! It's been intercepted by Binx. Damn. And...Binx passes it to Astor who passes it back to Binx as McKinnon gets distracted and tries to shoot a bludger at Hart whose pulling some flashy moves...What's this? Hanse is pulling into a dive and Bulstrode is following...THEY'VE SPOTTED THE SNITCH EVERYONE! Let's go GRYFFINDOR!"

"Finally! Give me the megaphone Miss Evans!"

"Hold on a mo, Professor...AND HANSE HAS CAUGHT THE SNITCH! WE'VE WON! GRYFFINDOR HAS WON THE CUP AND – Potter, why are you flying up here?"

"Evans I demand you hand over the megaphone at once."

"Hey Lily! I just wanted to ask if you'd like to-"


"Can you please not yell into my ear with a megaphone?"





"Did you just kiss me, James?"

"Well erm...yes?"



"Um, want to go to Hogsemead with next Saturday?"

"S-Sure. Um..."

"We- Is that McGonagall on a broom?"

"I think you've got yourself a detention, Evans."

"Shut up Potter, I'm in a crisis now-"


a/n: a random, pointless oneshot which I enjoyed far too much :)