Mend This Tear- epilogue
DISCLAIMER: The Mentalist does not belong to me. It is the creation of Bruno Heller. I'm writing this fiction to express my love for the series and maybe vent a little.
Patrick was extremely peeved when he left Teresa's condo. Getting into his car, he mulled over three very hard truths his visit to her home had made him face.
The first was that trying to convince Lisbon to allow him to kill Red John would be a waste of his efforts. She simply and truly didn't believe in revenge.
The second was that at least part of Lisbon's stance was due to her refusal to accept Jane's capacity for murder…her refusal to accept him for he who he was.
And the third was that her doubt was making him question his own ability to do the deed.
They were three hard facts, three very good reasons for Jane to be extremely upset and disgusted with Lisbon.
And he was. But there was one thought, one truth which overrode all others.
He was in love with her.
She was unapproachable, unattainable, and untouchable. She stood for everything that annoyed him: authority, faith, conventions, rules, order.
And he was absolutely, irrevocably, head over heels, in love with her.
It was disturbing, to say the least.
But there was nothing to it. Jane didn't love easily, and now that he did was too smart to think he'd be able to hypnotize his mind, his heart, into an altered state. That only worked for marks who believed he had secret powers.
Jane knew he had none; at least none that would alleviate his infatuation.
Not that he wanted to.
Because despite Lisbon's aloofness and all her annoying virtuous vices, there was one thing she had going for her that enabled him to forgive all her other sins.
She had saved him.
Jane never considered what he'd do after he killed Red John; though the glum possibility that he would finally join his family's state of nothingness was always on the back of his mind.
But she'd given him a reason to live.
She made him want to start over, consider a life after revenge. One which he would gladly spend by her side; in whatever capacity she'd allow.
His heart raced with sugary pink possibilities…images of desires he never imagined he'd ever want again flashed in his mind… maybe even a family…
"Hey, watch it!"
Jane hit the car's brakes just in time to stop from running through a red light and slamming into an innocent pedestrian crossing the street.
"Sorry," he called out weakly.
And reality hit him.
What was he thinking; a life, family? None of that would be possible with Red John on the loose. The hell he didn't believe in would freeze over before Jane would risk moving on only to have Red John gleefully deprive him of his happiness once again.
Patrick had no doubt in his mind that this was Red John's new game, that killing cops was his sick idea of giving him fair warning.
Red John had to die. There was no question about it.
The light turned green and Jane drove on, his thoughts turning darker by the second.
If he killed Red John, would a future with Lisbon still be on the table?
Jane had no intention of going to jail. But even if he got away with murder from the law, Lisbon would never forgive him.
If his earlier conclusion was true, that one of the reasons Lisbon insisted on stopping him was because she couldn't handle his becoming a murderer…then killing Red John meant losing her.
He'd lose his newfound reason to live, because Saint Teresa wouldn't want to have anything to do with a murderer.
She'd practically cut Sam Bosco out of her life after he'd killed whoever it was he couldn't catch. And this was a man who, according to Lisbon, she "respected and admired".
Jane had no such assurances as to how she felt about him. Sure, he hoped that she found him and his antics cute sometimes. He knew that she found him attractive. But he also knew she hated his guts. Heck, she acted like she barely tolerated him most of the time and was only nice to him when she was worried about him. Only then did her natural motherly instincts trump her determination to remain impervious to anyone and anything; especially Jane. Unless…
Who was he to presume Lisbon loved him? She might stand for everything which irked Patrick, but he undoubtedly represented everything she despised. He was a lazy non-believing charlatan. The only reason she kept him around was, as she said, "to catch a lot of bad guys". Any care she felt for him was obviously a result of nothing more than familial concern.
"Unrequited love is a terrible thing."
Once again Jane's statement a few months prior came back to haunt him. He'd honestly said it in her presence because he thought she needed to hear it.
Jane laughed bitterly to himself. And I thought Rigsby was projecting!
He'd obviously been speaking from his own subconscious which had known how he'd felt.
Too bad it didn't bother giving me a head's up…
Or had it…?
"Of all the things you could have told me Jane, why this? What did you expect will happen?"
He didn't have the answer when Lisbon asked him that question not twenty minutes ago in her foyer, but he sure had it now…
How could I have not have realized it?
It was true he felt she deserved to know what he had planned. It was also true he needed to know where she stood on the matter to plan his revenge accordingly.
But more importantly, he'd done it to test her. To see how she felt about his ideals, to see if she'd be able to live with them; with him.
Well, so much for that. Jane thought miserably.
"You need to find yourself someone who will love you back."
He'd said that as well, again for Lisbon's benefit.
He should have taken his own advice.
He'd fallen in love with a woman who would never, could never love him
And that wasn't even the worst of it. Let alone love, he wouldn't even have her friendship after he killed Red John.
"We're a family! What you are doing is a kind of betrayal, you're letting Red John win."
She'd set it in a moment of rare passion, angry at him for distancing himself, something he'd done for her sake, for her safety, after his run in with Red John.
How betrayed would she feel when he kills Red John? When she realizes that her expectations of him were for naught?
The thought of facing her disappointment, her disgust with his actions, would be more than he could bear.
Lisbon was his salvation, but she could just as easily destroy him. The fact that she had absolutely no idea over the power she held didn't make him feel any better. It just meant she'd have less reason to take her actions, her reactions to him into consideration. She'd kill him without ever knowing it.
So, now what, boy wonder? Patrick thought to himself.
The risk of losing Lisbon suddenly took on an entirely new shape.
The danger her strict ideals posed to their friendship was just as real as Red John's threat to her safety.
Jane drove around aimlessly for hours, thinking.
He thought while he grabbed food at a diner near his motel.
By the time he got ready for bed he'd come up with a pretty good plan on how to find Todd Johnson's killer. Lisbon had told him the Professional Standard's Unit would conduct an investigation. Essentially, all he had to do was keep an eye on it and make sure they did their jobs. Their killer would be his lead to Red John.
But when it came to saving his relationship with Lisbon, he got nothing.
After brushing his teeth, Jane looked at himself in the bathroom mirror and tried to find a silver lining.
"So I kill Red John and she hates me for it, big deal. Dying of heartbreak is more than I deserve. I'd still go out better than Angela and Charlotte did," he told himself out loud.
But that night in his bed, and for the first time in his life, Patrick Jane cried over a woman who was not his late wife.
Author's note: Hello Everyone! First of all, I'm so sorry for the delay. After finals I couldn't write anything before I got The Mentalist Finale review out of my system; it took me over a month to finish. Then I had such a hard time deciding how to continue this despite all your helpful comments. I swear, for such a ridiculously short chapter (which I apologize for, but that's how it turned out) , this was probably the hardest one to write.
I'd like to give a huge thank you to all of you whole helped out with reviews and made suggestions as well as to all who favorit-ed and alert-ed. Knowing people were out there and reading really helped get me off my butt and continue writing. But most of all, it forced me into making decisions with the story I would have been too wary of making otherwise. I tried to keep it as in character as possible and truly hope I haven't disappointed you with the ending and that you'll continue to inspire me. Speaking of inspiration, I'd like to give a huge thank you to Liv Einziger who, after reviewing the chapters consecutively, allowed me to rope her into being my beta for this chapter. That being said, any mistakes are mine.
Also, for endless support and enthusiasm, special thanks to All-i-Need, Little Mender, Jisbon4ever, MeltedChocoButton, Kuhlama, xanderseye, Blue, Kate, CharmedNightSkye, jas, The Agent of Chaos, Aurora-Stormwind, SakuraAkira365 Mostlybooks, Bloody Vyvyan, Hikaru Ceres, mia66, Jazz248, the Pheonix's song, UptownGirl, and Merriwyllow.
Now many of you wanted to see further development in their relationship and so do I. But I just couldn't bring myself to veer off the events of season 3. I'd said "Bloody Trust" was this story's sequel but now that Jane's realized his feelings, I'd rather explore the events in between, leading up to that story. I'm not sure if I'll be able to pull it off (or if it'll be worth it) but I'd like to try. So I'm going with what most of you suggested, an entirely new sequel. It'll be called "Red Season of Change" and will pick right where this one leaves off with episode Jolly Red Elf. But it'll probably be a while before I start posting. For once, I'd like to finish a story before I start uploading it's chapters...Thanks again for reading and please let me know if the chapter worked for you (or if it didn't).