"Thank you, Los Angeles! Good Night!" I stared at him as he shouted into the microphone to the screaming fans, the words echoing around the room, and in my pounding head. My stomach sank as the inescapable truth sunk in. So this was it. It had been easy enough to ignore that this day would come for the past few months, easy to pretend that the Glamnation tour would go on forever. An eternity of concerts, of playing my bass, of kissing Adam... This thought, the fact that I would no longer feel his lips on mine, crippled me. It was impossible to make my legs move one after the other off the stage as the lights dimmed for the very last time. If I left the stage now, it was all over. Never again would I be back here, not with Adam at least. It was insane, really. Even I knew that. I'd done tours before. Many of them with stars as big as Adam Lambert. But the truth was that it wasn't the tour I would miss. Not the lights, or the screaming fans, or the traveling. It was him. It was Adam. It was then that I realized that everyone had left the stage, and I was the only one standing there in front of a confused looking audience. Cringing, I all but ran off the stage. Forgetting, for a moment at least, that I would never be back. I pushed my way through a swarm of people, some I knew, but most I didn't. And the one person I wanted to see more than anyone wasn't there. My heart ached for him as I made my way through the crowds to my dressing room. Once inside, away from the noise, I sat down on the floor and sobbed.
The downside of being away from all the noise and people was that it left me alone with my thoughts. Thoughts that wouldn't go away. Why couldn't I just tell him? I could try to fool myself that it was only the fear of rejection, or the fact that we lived on different sides of the country that stopped me. But I knew the real reason was that telling him would make it real. There would be no way to hide it any more. From myself, or anyone else. I was in love. With a man. The thought seemed so bizarre. Before Glamnation, I was entirely sure of my sexuality. I was undoubtedly straight as a line. And although I has nothing against gays, I was certain I could never be one. I'd had a long-term girlfriend for crying out loud! The only reason we had ever broken up was my traveling, it had been too much for her. But before that, we'd been completely happy. I had been happy, content with loving a woman. The idea of loving a man had simply never occurred to me. Until him. He had changed everything for me. Everything inside me.
It felt like hours, though it couldn't have been more than five minutes, before I heard a knock on my door, and my head shot up. No. Please... don't let it be- "Hey, Tommy! Can I come in?" I groaned. Of course, it had to be Adam. When I didn't answer right away, he swung the door open anyway, in true Adam fashion. He was never one to take no for an answer. He rushed in, almost tripping over me sitting on the ground by the door. I heard him gasp, taking in my shuddering form, but I couldn't bring myself to look into his eyes. I knew one glance and I'd loose it, and it would all come rushing back. All the love I felt for him. The passion. The...lust. The only hope I had of holding onto my sanity was to try to push the feelings back with everything I had. "Tommy! Kitty, what is it? What's wrong?" His velvet voice washed over me, and the sobs came harder. I heard him sink to the floor beside me, but still I kept my eyes firmly locked on the carpet beneath me. He put his arm around me, and the last of my restraint fell away. I fell against him, my head in the crook of his neck. I only had so much time left with him. How could I refuse the only physical contact I could have with him now? "Tommy." I could hear the concern, the pain, in his voice. "Tommy, please. Let me help you. I hate seeing you like this, please. Just talk to me. Tell me what I can do. How can I make this better for you?" But there was nothing. Nothing that he could do. This was all me. All my fault.
This whole mess started at the AMAs. It had been all my idea. Before we went on stage, I'd been pumped with adrenaline unlike anything I'd never felt. I knew Adam wanted to put on a show. Entertaining people was what he was all about. "Y'know.." I'd started, "You can grab me or something on stage if you want? Show 'em how to really be entertained" I'd laughed with a wink. He'd laughed too, not taking me too seriously. It had all been for fun back then. "Sure thing, Kitty, hope you know what you're getting yourself into" he'd said with a playful wink back. Yeah. If only I'd know... As soon as I felt his lips on mine that night, his hands in my hair, holding me in place, something changed inside me. Something big. Something that, I feared, was irreversible.
Adam shook me then, pulling me out of my daydream and back into my nightmare. "Kitty, please. Talk to me". With a finger under my chin, he pulled my face up to meet his gaze. There were tears welling up in his eyes too, pain etched into his face. It tore me apart to see his concern for me, to see that he cared. If only he didn't care so much, if only he wasn't so...so everything. He truly was everything to me. Everything I wanted and everything I couldn't have. Plastering a smile on my face, I wiped away the eye makeup and tears, and cleared my throat to speak. "Nothing's wrong, honestly. Guess I'm just gonna miss it, the tour, the people.. and...and you." My voice broke at the end. I kept trying to smile through the tears, praying he would buy it. He didn't of course, I could see the doubt and suspicion clear in his eyes, but a frantic knock on the door stopped him from pursuing it. I jumped up, shoving a pair of glasses on to hide my red eyes, and answered the door. A flustered looking girl with wild brown and panicked eyes pushed passed me into the room, eyes wildly searching for something. "Adam!" she screeched, spotting him on the floor, a dazed and confused look on his face. "What on earth are you doing? The fan meet and greet started ten minutes ago, come with me!" Waiting for no further explanation, she grabbed him by the wrist, and pulled him out of the room. And I was alone, in an empty room crowded with my thoughts.
I sat there on the floor for a while before finally pushing myself off the ground. Feeling like a zombie, I managed to wipe off my makeup and change into some comfortable clothes. Pulling the hood of my sweater up to cover my head, and shoving my iPod headphones into my ears, I stumbled out to the tour bus, the music on full blast in a weak effort to drown out my thoughts. The thoughts were infinitely louder. I hardly noticed the screaming fans outside, the flashing cameras, the hands all over me. Fans pushed pens and paper at me, but I was in no mood for photos and autographs now. The wild look in my eyes shocked them, and they fell silent. At least I can get to the bus now. I thought. Who cares if they think I'm crazy? Maybe I am. I let out a short laugh, but it didn't sound like a laugh. The sound was wrong, like a strangled cry. I didn't have it in me to laugh anymore. I dragged my feet up into the bus, and down the hallway to my bunk. I could hear Monty and the rest laughing, we always played cards and had a drink after a show while we waited for Adam to finish with meet and greets, but now all I wanted was to go to bed, and let sleep take me. I tried not to think about the man that would be sleeping in the bunk above me soon, and listened to the music blaring in my ears until, finally, I fell into a restless sleep.
When I awoke the next morning, reality hit me the moment I opened my eyes. I could see the dancers packing their bags for the airport. Adam would be staying here is Los Angeles, and the rest of us were flying home. This was it. I didn't know how I was going to be able to say goodbye to him. When I left, I would be leaving my heart with him, even if he had no idea. A part of me would be in Los Angles, while I was in New York. And I knew for certain that this would kill me. I swallowed, a lump in my throat. Then I stood up, and started packing my bags, fighting back the tears the whole time.
"Tommy?" I looked up from my packing to see Monty, Adam's guitarist, staring over me. "Yeah?" I replied, trying to stop my voice from wavering, praying it didn't give my pain away. "We're all going out for a drink, y'know, to celebrate." I tried to keep my voice light and casual. "Mean. Yeah, sweet. Sounds good. So umm.. Is uhh.. Is Adam coming?" I glanced up as I heard footsteps coming towards me and my stomach lurched. It was him. There was a smile on his beautiful face and he was laughing. "Of course I'm coming! Y'think I'm gonna miss the celebration of my own tour? Come on, Tommy Joe, have you ever known me to miss a good party?" I tried to laugh with him, the noise sounding wrong, fake, even to my own ears. "Of course not, just checking that umm.. y'know, you didn't have some uhh.. publicity thing.. or something. " He studied my face for a second, biting his lip, the skepticism clear on his beautiful face. Of course he would see through me. He knew me too well. Eventually he smiled again. "Nope, I'm free. Wouldn't miss it for the world." He winked. That wink... I felt my stomach quiver, and a shiver ran down my spine. The things he could do to me with just a wink.
Later that night, outside Adam's favorite club, I was lost in a sea of screaming fans and paparazzi. I could barely see through the flashing, blinding lights. Suddenly, a strong hand gripped mine and pulled me through the swarms of people. I didn't need to see his face to know it was him. The shock of electricity I felt from his touch was enough. Adam pulled us into the club, and everything else melted away. It was just me. Just him. And I was home.
Everything seemed to go downhill from that moment. The others went off to dance while I stayed fixed to the bar. For hours I sat there, trying to drown my sorrows. Unfortunately, these particular sorrows were fucking good swimmers that refused to be drowned, no matter how many shots I threw back. I sat there staring at him. Talking to our friends, laughing, dancing. Just watching him made my chest ache. Then everything seemed to start moving in slow motion, and I saw him staring another man on the other side of the room. I watched him smile at him, and I stared in horror as he walked over to the man and whisper in his ear. As they danced together, in their own bubble separate from everyone else, a red haze washed over my vision. The sudden fury and intense jealousy that possessed me was like nothing I had ever felt. I couldn't comprehend it. I couldn't bear to watch him any more, but I couldn't find the will to drag my eyes away from him. And as their lips met, I could feel the bile rising in the back of my throat, and I finally turned away and called for the waiter. "I'll have another, thanks." The man looked at me, a concerned expression on his face. "You sure, baby boy? You aren't looking to good and-" but my expression cut him off, and he poured the shot without another word.
After another half hour I couldn't take it any longer. This pain was unimaginable, the need I had for Adam was like nothing I'd ever imagined. As I stood to leave, my eyes blurred with tears, I saw him staring at me from across the club. I quickly looked away and headed, stumbling, for the exit. I'd almost reached the door when I felt his hand grab mine. "Tommy? Where are you going?" I managed to free my arm from his grasp but he followed me. "Tommy? Hey, wait up! Where are you going?" I turned to face him then, trying to keep my casual mask in place. "Hi" I replied bluntly. I could see from the confused expression on his face that he had no idea what was wrong, but then, why would he? It would never occur to him that his supposedly straight base player was in love with him, and unimaginably jealous. Such a thing would never occur to anyone, except for perhaps the not-so-straight base player in question. "I'm feeling pretty tired" I mumbled, "Might walk home or..." I trailed off as the room began to spin. "Tommy? Kitty, you live in New York. You're not thinking straight. Just...Just come with me, okay?" Too disoriented to argue, I let him slip an arm under my shoulder and lead me out to a taxi. The cab was spinning at an alarming rate, so I shut my eyes and concentrated on breathing in...and out... in... and out... I heard him ramble off an address to the driver before the darkness consumed me entirely.
"Flight 9203 to New York, This is your final boarding call. Please make your way to Gate 17 if you have not already done so, your flight will be departing in five minutes. Flight 9203 to Gate 17" I looked down at my boarding pass. This was me. As I looked up I saw Adam walking away. "No!" I screamed. I couldn't leave yet. I had to tell him. "I'm not leaving, I'm not leaving." I mumbled to myself as I chased after him, flight call be damned. He started walking faster away from me, breaking into a run. "ADAM! WAIT, NO!" I tried to run, but my legs wouldn't move fast enough. I fell to the ground. He was gone. "Tommy?" I looked up, but he wasn't there. I was trapped in a sea of faces, and he wasn't there. "Tommy!" He wasn't there. "Tommy? TOMMY! Wake up, Tommy, please wake up!"
My eyes shot open. Where was I? I searched the room, I was in a vast bed with a huge glass window looking over Los Angeles, the sparkling lights of the city lighting up the dark, unfamiliar room. "Tommy?" My head shot around to see Adam's beautiful eyes staring into mine, seemingly straight into my soul. "A- Adam? W-what am I doing here? I don't-" He silenced me with a finger against my lips. "Hey, it's okay." He gave me a reassuring smile and I relaxed at once. "You passed out in the cab on the way back from the club, and you kinda stumbled in here and crashed on the bed. You were pretty wasted." He laughed then, flashing me a crooked grin that reduced my brain to an Adam induced goo. "You woke me up with all your screaming, seemed like you had a pretty bad nightmare from the sounds of it." I shuddered as I remembered my struggle to reach him, it had all seemed so real. Probably because... because in only a few short hours I'd be in the exact situation, and he wouldn't be there to wake me up, to save me, next time. I glanced at the flashing alarm clock by the bed. Three o'clock. My flight left at seven in the morning, so I'd need to be out of here by at least six. Three hours. That's all I had left. Three short hours before I had to leave him, and with him, my heart.
I was suddenly overwhelmed by the thought of that. No. No, It couldn't be that soon. I'd had longer than that. We'd had longer than that. The room started spinning again, and my breaths started coming shorter and faster. I saw a look of horror flash across Adam's face where he was now standing on the other side of the room, before he rushed over to me. He sat down on the bed beside me, and put his arm around me. But even his touch couldn't soothe me now. It only reminded me of how, in such a short time, I would never again feel his soothing touch. I shuddered as I fell into him. He turned to me and spoke then, and I was surprised to hear that his voice sounded strong, determined, confident. "Tommy, there is clearly something wrong here. And it's hurting me to see you like this, as much as it's hurting you. I'm not letting you leave like this, so you are going to tell me what's bothering you, and you're going to tell me now." I leaned away from him, pushing myself off the bed, but he grabbed my arm, and pulled me back. "I don't want you to go. Don't run away, please. Let me help. I just-" He sighed, as though there was more he wanted to say, but wouldn't. "I care about you. A lot. Please talk to me, please let me help you." He looked desperately at me for a second, his eyes seemed to be pleading with me, asking me to help him, tell him what to do. Then I saw something light up in his eyes, before he started to sing to me. I recognized the haunting song from his album. As he sung the words of Broken Open, a song so perfect, so true, I could have sworn he had written it for this very moment, I feel into almost a trance in his eyes. I felt calm, at peace. At least for now.
"Broken pieces break into me
So imperfectly what you should be,
I don't want you to go,
Don't want to see you back out in the cold.
Air you're breathing out
fades you to grey.
Don't run away.
Let some light in the night
We can fall away
Slip out of sight
When you drop your guard
Melt in time
I know the battles
of chasing the shadows
of who you want to be.
It doesn't matter.
Go on and shatter,
I'm all you need.
"Broken pieces break into me
So imperfectly what you should be,
Lay here, It's safe here
I'll let you be broken open.
Hide here, confide here
so we can be broken open."
He looked up at me hopefully, desperately, and as I looked into his eyes, I couldn't find it in me to hide something like this from him anymore. The hold he had on me was too strong. I took a deep breath, trying to collect the millions of thoughts flying around in my head, as we sat there together, staring at the sparkling lights of the city. It was too much to hope that I could try and understand all that was going on in my brain, but I needed to gather my thoughts enough to explain this to him. A hard fucking job, when I could barely explain it to myself. "Adam, this is going to sound insane. Fuck, it probably is insane. I'm going insane." He frowned, and opened his mouth to argue, but I wasn't here to argue my sanity with him. "Please, just let me finish." He closed his mouth, and signaled for me to continue. "I- since we- fuck.." I took another deep breath. Thankfully, he stayed silent while I tried to sort out what I would say. "I've always been straight, y'know? Like, I've always liked girls. And then when I said we could uh- kiss at the AMA's it was just all rock'n'roll, just for entertainment. But then when I kissed you, something changed. I started... Fuck... I started feeling things for you." I felt the tears running down my cheeks, but I didn't bother wiping them off, they would only be replaced by fresh ones almost immediately. I couldn't look at him, not now. Not like this. I stared down at my hands as I tried to figure out what to say. "And I don't- I don't know why or... but I just don't know how the fuck I'm gonna say goodbye to you tomorrow. I can't. I can't say goodbye to you because.. because I think I might be falling in love with you. I'm sorry. I'm in love with you Adam. I love you." I breathed out, feeling like a weight had been lifted off my shoulders. Then my breathing stopped entirely when I noticed he still hadn't said anything. Oh God. He hates me. He truly hates me now. After what seemed like an eternity of silence, I finally looked up to meet his gaze. His expression was shocked, dazed. I could see tears welling up in his eyes, threatening to spill over. I nearly curled over and died right there on his bed, until his face lit up with a heartbreakingly beautiful smile. He grabbed me and pulled me into his arms. As our lips met, all the pain, the anguish, the fear and insecurity melted away, leaving nothing but joy, and a sense of peace in its absence. This was where I needed to be. This, here in his arms, was home. Tears were spilling down both of our cheeks as he finally spoke. Just a whisper in my ear, but the words rang as clear as if he had shouted them. "I love you, too."