Never Ending War
Summary: The war has ended or to say more rightfully, it has officially ended. The war hasn't truly ended, it's still in our minds, plagueing every thought and movement so how can I settle back into peace?
Author Note: Okay, this is my first Biggles fanfiction story. It's pretty angsty so watch out! I got the muse for this while reading The War Inside by psychopomp.
Disclaimer: Biggles belongs to the respective author Captain W.E. Johns
The war might have ended officially but it's never stopped for me. How am I meant to move on after what I've seen and what I've been through? Is there even any way to do so?
I guess I never thought about it when I joined up. It just wasn't something that was thought about, we were all so worried about the threat of the German's invading.
Out on the front you didn't have time to think about such things. You lived only in the day, just wanting to survive the next flight, hour or minute.
No one particularly thought ahead, I think we all thought we would die just like so many of our brave comrades.
Now the war is over for those who did not fight but just has it stopped for all of us who fought? Some of my comrades and friends have moved one but I can't seem to.
Each dogfight, each kill, each gunshot echoes through my mind throughout the day and night. Sleep isn't a way to escape, it's not a haven.
It's more like a torture place that you have to fight yourself to get into. Screams reverberate, dead comrades' faces flash past and enemies who I killed return to the same fight in order to kill me. It's a never ending cycle.
I could go back to the old me, but what's the point? Who was the old me? Every time I look back I just see a naive young man ready to go to the war for his country. Barely out of school and ready to tackle the enemy to keep the country safe. How can I go back to that? I'm no longer naive; I can't be with what I've seen.
The only thing I've really proved in my life so far is that I'm an exceptional pilot and a good shot. What kind of job can I apply for with that background? It's the same for most of us I think.
No one thought about after the war and now we are stuck with the war continuing in our minds with the nation telling us to move on, to pick up jobs, to get back into our old lives. Do they not understand? Do they not know what we've seen, or what we feel? Do they not perceive the nightmares that plague us at night and the doubting thoughts that linger in the day? The thoughts of, if I had been there sooner... or if I had just looked that way... my comrades turned friends may not have died.
How can I move on when in order to move on I must cling to something to get me out of this mindset? If I cling to something it might shatter, break or die and then I'd be worse than before.
If war taught any of us anything it would be that anything can be taken away at any time and we must only think of the next few seconds, minutes and hours but never get to far ahead of ourselves. If we had planned days in advance in the war, for simple things such as dinners and drinks, we may have found the person who we were going with had died on their last flight or that they were in an intensive care unit.
With this kind of mindset how can we move out of the never ending war and into the bustle of the streets? Walking out the door is a sudden change, from quiet and peaceful to loud and busy. Loud and busy is just too close to the bustle of war, where noise is deafening loud or disorientating and men and nurses dash back and forth underfoot to get respective jobs done.
The streets reflect the war, with this reflection staring at us in the face, how are we expected to move on? What if we forget and try to call and old friend only to find they have passed in the war? The memories would just come back; we'd be back in the same hole.
Maybe I shouldn't move on, instead I should try to push the memories to the back of my mind so that I can deal with the thoughts and fears later. Maybe that is the way to get out from this rut I have been stuck in. If I try this, and it fails, there is no real issue, I'll just be back here, in this place of never ending war.
I'll just give it a shot, try to actually live my life instead of just exist in it. I have to try something, find something to do. Maybe Algy can help me, I'm sure we'd find something to do, some way to move on.
I guess I've been forgetting Algy all along. He was there through it; he's probably got the same thoughts. Maybe, just maybe, we can somehow find away to end this internal war and move out into the streets and begin to live our lives. We had never lived them before we left school and once we had we only got a taste of war, maybe we'll enjoy the peace and find a way to enjoy life.
And there it is. Hopefully another Biggles story to post soon... if my muse comes back. I may even do another one of these angst stories for Algy depending on what you readers think of this one.