Ginger's Never Ending War
Summary: The Second World War has ended and I can't seem to shake it. It's there in my mind ever moment of the day, never fading away.
Author Note: This story is somewhat connecting to Never Ending War.
The Second World War has ended; I have no idea what to do. Biggles and Algy told me it would be like this but I don't think I ever believed them. There are nightmares all the time and I can't seem to focus.
I feel like I'm trapped in sinking sand that's slowly sucking me down. Nothing compares to war, nothing is horrible enough for it. The memories, filled with blood and screams. The nightmares filled with dogfights to the death.
There's not a moment to relax, to escape it. The thoughts are always there, not always at the forefront of the mind but waiting somewhere in the back just waiting until you're alone or in a situation that's similar to something before, and then they are released.
They flood through the mind, pouring into every part, even your most treasured memories. I just can't sleep anymore and when I do I am restless. Whatever sleep I do get doesn't make me feel any more awake or alive than before I went to sleep. I never feel rested; I don't see how anyone can feel rested.
What did I do before the war? In these quiet moments that fill with dreadful thoughts? Did I read? Did I play chess or did I walk around London? I don't think I could do these things now. I know the pre-war London, not the London the streets are now. Chess games, reading? They are things I did during the war, events that open the floodgate to the memories.
Biggles and Algy don't seem affected. Am I the only one? Do these thoughts only plague me? Am I the only one stuck in the war? I can't be- someone else must be affected too. Everyone can't have moved on, they just can't have.
What if I am truly the only one? Am I destined to stay like this for the rest of my existence? You can't truly call this living; I'm not doing anything to qualify as living. I just do the basic functions, speak when spoken to, eat, drink and put myself into the torturous prison called sleep.
What if it never ends? What if I'm stuck like this forever, never truly moving on, only ever reliving the past? If that happens Biggles and Algy would surely kick me out.
Didn't they always tell me I actually had to participate in order to be in the team or something like that? I just can't though; I can't get out of this war. It's as if it never stopped, as if it still goes on where nobody can see it. We're meant to move on, I know that, but it's just so hard. There is nothing to hold on to, no one to pull me out.
It's like going back, back to my father. No one could pull me out then, no one even wanted to, until I met Biggles and Algy. Maybe they know how to get out of this, to stop the torrents of memories and the horrors of war. I guess I'll have to ask but it's so hard, talking about the memories, it just makes them hurt more.
What if they can't help? If it never happened to them they won't be able to help me. Then I'll just end up with painful thoughts, thoughts that throb, blister and tear at my heart and mind; memories that slash open old wounds and sprinkle salt over them.
Maybe I shouldn't tell Biggles or Algy, maybe I should keep it to myself. At least then the war inside me won't hurt so much but I'll be alone. Alone in a war that consumes my mind and soul when in the real war I depended on others to keep me going as much I relied on myself.
Can I really do this by myself? Can I really survive this? To be honest I don't think I can, there is never a friendly face in this war inside of me, only enemies' faces that wish me harm.
Maybe I should end this? How would I do that? I can't kill myself, it would disgrace Biggles and Algy; I might just have to live with it. Never living, only existing.
You know, I don't think I could do that, exist without living. I didn't see much of true living before the war, most of my life was spent with my cruel father, and the only people who ever showed me how to live were Biggles and Algy.
If they were able to help me out once, they just might be able to do it again, if they can't do it... I don't think anyone can. I think I need to talk to them, open up the old wounds, who knows, instead of adding salt to the wounds it may just add a healing solution.
Here it is, a look into Ginger's mind. Sorry for all the angst but I've just kind of figured out its pretty easy to write. I'm thinking on doing an Algy one... anyone want to see that?