The first movie the crew watches is Star Wars: A New Hope, the original, theatrical release. Not the genetically altered, mysterious, "why did Greedo shoot first" adaptation.
For each new chapter, there will be a new movie, and the crew members will, in their very unique way, review and comment on the film. Movie two and three will be Star Wars: The Empire Strikes Back and Star Wars: Return of the Jedi, respectively.
If you have any movie review requests, submit away. The goal of this piece is for all crew members to have their favorite movie(s) reviewed.
As always, thanks for reading, and a great many thanks to those who leave reviews. Your comments, good and constructive, are greatly appreciated.
I hope you enjoy the humor!
Star Wars: A New Hope
The last of the movie credits rolled, and the lights in the "briefing room turned theater" came on. Various crew members stood up stretching their arms and legs, while others stayed seated around the oval table in dumbfounded disbelief. Or was it giddy excitement?
"That was so cool!" shouted Joker enthusiastically. He stood, pointed his hand, palm up, at Jack, who was also standing, and intoned in a deep, slow tenor, "The force is strong in that one."
Seeing Jack's "I'm going to kill you" glare, Joker quickly stepped behind Grunt.
Jack turned her head to face the group, retorting, "That was a bunch of shit. No way a bunch of untrained boneheads are going to saunter up to the galactic badass, and take down his base so easily. "
Grunt agreed, "They had no strategy. That was not a real battle! It was just small model ships on strings enacting combat. It was irritating."
To no one in particular, Tali muttered incredulously, "That was an adventure film? Droids with emotions…that's not an adventure I'd want to visit." Staying seated, she shuddered visibly.
Legion added, "We calculated thirty-two times the humans would have died without droid intervention."
"That does not help…" Tali shuddered again.
With a smug smile, Jack triumphed, "See! No fucking way!"
Still sitting, Garrus astutely advised, "That whole scene with the X wing fighter speeding down the trench trying to hit the two meter target…well, there's no way they should have missed. With the proper calibrations, they could have hit that target easily. Completely unbelievable!"
Shaking his head, Zaeed offered his expert opinion, "If Solo had been a true mercenary, he would have taken the money and left. No sentimental crap. He was spineless."
Shepard piped in, "I liked the way he shot Greedo at the bar, though. He knew his enemy and took him out. No questions asked."
Garrus chuckled to himself, "Wait, don't tell me…you like the guy. You probably tried to emulate him while growing up, right?"
"Hey…let's not take this to the personal level."
"Way to deflect, Shepard."
"Learned it from you, 'Archangel'."
Offering his own brand of advice, Mordin noted, "Alien variation inconsistent. Plastic prothstetic on human, not realistic adhesion. Would have more success with medical augmentation. Better results."
Mildly annoyed, Kasumi stated, "Well, I for one am not impressed with the characters. The ethnic variety is not realistic. By that time, the Asian population would have had more dominance in human colonies; at least two of the main characters should have had Asian features."
His eyes not leaving the thief, Jacob affirmed, "I agree with Kasumi. And not only that, but where are the black men and woman? Or anyone with different skin tones other than white?"
Kasumi's eyes locked onto Jacob, "Yes, my point exactly."
A silent, lurid communication seemed to be building between the two, until the mood was broken by Tali's offended outcry, "I do not sound like Vader!"
Sitting in the chair next to Tali, his hands held up in a defensive posture, Garrus attempted to back pedal from his statement, "That's not what I meant…I just thought the earlier models of bio suits might sound…"
Interrupting, Tali seethed, "If I had a light saber, I'd stick it up…"
"Okay, okay…at ease people. It's a vid. And vid night is supposed to help with camaraderie; make us a more cohesive unit." Lakota thought it was best to break up the exchange before Tali decided to find something saber-like and prove her point.
Joker, who had since moved from behind Grunt to stand next to Kasumi, kept stealing glances at the thief, then looking away: peek a glance, and then look away. This continued until, finally, Kasumi confronted him, "Something on your mind, Joker?"
"Um…nah…I mean, well, yeah. Could you, just for a second, could you put your hood over your head?"
A perplexed look crossed her face, but Kasumi amiably complied with his request. Everyone in the room watched as Kasumi placed the hood over her head.
"Okay," she said, "now what?"
"Could you take it off for a couple of seconds, and then put it back on?"
Again, she amiably complied with his request.
Joker's eyes slowly grew wide in an exponentially increasing, panicked expression. He stretched out his right arm, pointing his finger at the thief, and backed away while blurting out, "I knew it! I knew it! She's one of them! Can't you see it? She looks just like a Jedi!"
Taking off the hood, Kasumi casually shook her head, rolled her eyes, and then returned her barely hidden, lustful gaze to Jacob.
Everyone's attention shifted when Samara abruptly rose from the table and stated matter-of-factly, "My code would have required me to kill them all."
Still smirking at the Justicar's comment, Lakota noticed Thane sitting, with his eyes closed, to her left. He'd been very reserved throughout the movie. She knelt down and asked, "Everything okay, Thane?"
Opening his eyes, he peacefully intoned, "Yes, Shepard."
"You seem awfully quiet."
Looking directly into the commander's eyes, his melodious voice conveyed an added undertone of emotional longing, "Do you know if Tatooine really exists?"
Taken aback by his intensity, Lakota fumbled in her reply, "Um…not that actual planet, but it was filmed on Earth…in a desert climate."
"You are very fortunate to have such an environment on your home planet." With that, Thane closed his eyes again. Lakota assumed he was lost in his eidetic recollections of Tatooine images.
"I agree with Jack."
A, complete and utter, absence of sound blanketed the room.
Miranda stayed seated in her chair and continued, "The movie was completely unrealistic. I mean, who believes that a mysterious energy field that surrounds all life could give someone power? 'Stretch out with your feelings'…? What that hell was that? A bunch of propaganda, that's what…The music was good though."
Legion affirmed, "We have already acquired a digital copy and downloaded it to EDI's common drive."
Raising her hand, Tali elated, "Oh, I want it, too!"
Garrus leaned over to Tali and whispered, "How come we didn't get a ceremony like that after we defeated Saren and Sovereign? Medals around our necks, Alliance and Citadel races lined up and clapping for us…"
Tali shrewdly observed, "That would have required that the council to admit Sovereign was a Reaper."
"Yeah, good point."
In a dreamily, lilted voice, Dr. Chakwas commented, "I, for one, liked the romanticism of the film. Heroic rebels defend the galaxy against the evil Empire, and, in the face of catastrophic odds, are victorious in the end. Inspiring really."
Shepard snorted, "I love the line, 'Who's the more foolish: the fool, or the fool who follows him?'"
The room went silent again, and all eyes stared at the commander.
Donning her most bewitching smile, Lakota innocently asked, "Was it something I said?"
At the same time, Kelly Chambers wandered through the lower decks and muttered beneath her breath, "Hmph…where is everyone? The message said vid night was in Engineering…"