DISCLAIMER! I DO NOT OWN ANY 24 CHARACTERS OR SETTINGS! THESE THINGS ARE OWNED BY THE PEOPLE AT FOX STUDIOS! (OH SWEET GOD.) ENJOY!

24

The following takes place between 8:00am to 9:00am.

8:00 am

At Jack's house. Jack is sleeping in his bed when his phone rings. He picks it up.

Jack: Hello?

Chloe: Jack. I need you to give me a ride to work. My car got stolen by a French guy.

Jack: You could say that you got wasted last night and smashed your car into a building again.

Chloe: Oh, okay. What you said.

Jack: I'll be on my way. (hangs up)

Jack turns over and Chloe is right beside him in bed.

Jack: Let's go.

Chloe: (puts a pillow on her face; also pulls covers up also) Just five more minutes, Mom!

Jack: (gets up and pull covers off of her) You heard me, young lady! Get up! We're going out to eat!

Chloe: I don't wanna! Going out is stupid.

Jack: When I get back from brushing my teeth. You had better be up and ready!

Chloe moves violently all over the bed.

Jack: (calls out) You can pretend you're in a seizure all you want; you still have to go to work!

Chloe: (gets out of bed) Dammit.

Jack: Don't use my word.

8:05 am

The White House. Mr. Logan is in his office. He is sitting down in front of his television, watching The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air. A moment later, a security guard comes in.

Security Guard: Excuse me, Mr. Logan?

Mr. Logan: Please, Mr. Security Guard. We're known each other for five minutes. Call me Mr. Nixon.

SG: Um, Mr. Nixon. We have a problem.

Mr. Logan: Mr. Guard. We have a lot going for us since this story started. This problem you speak of can't possibly be as big as you would suggest it.

SG: Cheney is here to see you.

Mr. Logan: (peeved) Oh God. This nut job. Alright, send him in.

The Security Guard leaves the room and in comes Dick Cheney.

Cheney: Good morning, Mr. Nixon.

Mr. Logan: To you, it's Mr. Logan.

Cheney: Mr. Nixon, we've got a huge problem.

Mr. Logan: Yes, we do. You have no pulse so you should be dead.

Cheney: But, Mr. President…

Mr. Logan: MR. LOGAN!

Cheney: I'm sorry. Mr. Nixon, we have a problem that is bigger than both of us combined.

Logan: What problem can be bigger than you?

Cheney: Someone stole all the cookies from your cookie jar.

Logan gets up and looks horrified.

Logan: Dear God! Who would do such a thing? This goes way beyond what I could solve. This is a national tragedy!

Cheney: (calm) We can buy more…

Logan looks at Cheney, furious. He goes up to Cheney and strangles him.

Logan: Don't be an idiot! We have to find out who is responsible. (stops strangling) Even if that means draining every single tax dollar to find out whom it was.

Cheney: Don't you mean 'who it was'?

Logan: Are you President? I didn't think so! This problem is not going to go away all by itself. It's not Watergate. We need help. I know! Call the A-Team!

Cheney: You had them executed after you realized that you needed to cut back on unnecessary projects no one else cared about.

Logan: That explains the 2010 movie no one saw. Oh, well. We'll just have to find someone who can make problems disappear. Say, you've died and went to Hell. Who do you know down there that can help?

Cheney: There is one guy but he is the most screwed up person we've ever come by.

Logan: Nick Nolte?

Cheney: No. Someone else. Someone much more evil.

8:16 am

Jack and Chloe go up to a Chinese restaurant drive-thru.

Chloe: (confused) It's eight in the morning. Why are we having lunch now?

Jack: We're having lunch here because I've been banned from all the other breakfast chains. Talk to ONE Christmas tree and you're all over the news.

Chloe: That sounds horrible. (rolls her eyes)

Jack drives his car up to the voice box.

Box: Hello, may I take your order?

Jack: (looks at menu that is over the box) Yeah, I would like to order two orders of soup.

Box: And then?

Jack: Also, I would like to order the fried rice for two.

Box: And then?

Jack: The heavy set chicken for two, please?

Box: And then?

Chloe: What about some fortune cookies?

Jack: (laughs) Oh, yeah. Some fortune cookies.

Box: And then?

Jack: (looks at menu) Uhhh, that's about it.

Box: And then?

Jack: Uh, no. That's it.

Box: And then.

Jack: (laughs and looks at Chloe) Then, you can put it in a brown paper bag so that I can drive over there and get it because we're ready to eat!

Box: And then?

Jack: No, it's okay. All we'll have is the rice, the soup, the chicken.

Chloe: And the cookie's fortune!

Jack: Oh, right! Also, the fortune cookies! So, it's the rice, the soup, the chicken, the cookies and that's it!

Box: (groans) And then?

Jack: (upset) Hey! I refuse to play any of your Chinese food mind games!

Box: And then?

Jack: (irritated) No! No and then!

Box: And then!

Jack: No and then!

Box: And then!

Jack: No and then!

Box: And then!

Jack: No and then!

Box: And then.

Jack: (angry) And then, I'm going to come over there and put MY FOOT UP YOUR ASS IF YOU SAY AND THEN AGAIN!

The box was silent. Jack took a deep breath and looking at Chloe, giving her a thumbs up.

Box: AND THEN AND THEN AND THEN AND THEN AND THEN!

Jack: (got out his pistol) DIE YOU ALIEN SCUM!

Jack starts shooting wildly at the box, destroying it. Chloe, not so shocked at Jack's behavior, took the gun out of his hand and threw it at the backseat. She put her foot on the accelerator while Jack tried to destroy the box with his bare hands. The box was destroyed and, in a moment, caught on fire.

Box: And then?

8:25 am

A mother is baking a cake in her kitchen. Her son comes in.

Kid: Good morning, Mom!

Mother: Hi, sweetie! How was your rest?

Kid: (shrugs) It was alright. Although, I had a dream where there was a… oh, I forgot.

Mother: Oh, well. It happens to the best of us. Now, you can take your breakfast and go on the computer.

Kid: Okay!

The kid takes his breakfast to his room and puts the plate beside the computer. He turns the computer on to the Internet and checks his e-mail. Suddenly, a Meg Ryan figure pops up saying that he's got mail. He clicks on her and there is a link to YouTube.

Kid: Who the heck is Fred?

He clicks the link and there is a Fred video. The video pops up and there is a hyper based kid who talks annoyingly fast.

Fred: HI EVERYONE! IT'S FRED! I WANT TO BE YOUR FRIEND!

Kid: (laughs) This boy is funny!

The kid subscribes to Fred's account.

8:31 am

At Fred's home.

Fred: Excellent. I have over five million subscribers. Soon, I'll be more famous than America. Then I'll rule it.

Fred laughs with evil when his mother comes in his room.

Mom: Fred, are you done imagining ruling the world?

Fred: No, Mother! I will rule the world, along with my two pet mice! Today, however, I will rule this day.

Mom: Gee, Fred. What will we do tomorrow night?

Fred: Same thing we do every night, Mother. Try to take over the world!

THE MOTHER! THE MOTHER AND THE FRED! FRED! FRED! FRED! FRED! FRED! FRED! FRED! NARF!

8:40 am

Mr. Logan and Cheney are at the Oral Office, sitting on chairs while waiting for Cheney's desk.

Logan: I hope this person can solve this cookie crisis.

Cheney: Relax, Mr. Nixon. I sold my soul to Satan in order to get this guy back.

Logan: I thought you already sold your soul to Him.

Cheney: I've died more times than God. God can't get me anymore. Technically, I'm a zombie.

Suddenly, Ving Rhames burst in the room, wearing a police uniform and holding a shotgun.

Ving: I heard the word zombie and came as soon as I could.

Cheney: (gets up and pulls a shotgun) I can make this look like another 'accident'.

Ving slowly leaves the room just as the Security Guard comes in.

SG: Mr. President, there's someone hear to see you. He says he comes from Hell.

Logan: Yes, send him in.

SG: (walks out the door) He will see you now.

The figure goes into the room and Logan is shocked.

Cheney: Mr. President, I would like you to meet, Saddam Hussein.

Saddam: (smiles) Hey, what's up, fella?

8:45 am

Jack and Chloe have arrived at CTU. Jack stops in front of the station, irritated. Chloe is concerned.

Chloe: You didn't really have to do that to the box.

Jack: It was torturing me. It was like that movie I saw that was all about mirrors and there was something about those mirrors that was scary and when the main character saw there was something wrong with the mirrors, he tried to destroy the mirrors but the mirrors couldn't be destroyed. I think the movie was called 'The Wizard of Oz'.

Chloe: Look, Jack, you've had a stressful day this afternoon. Why don't you see your daughter to cheer yourself up?

Jack: I can't see her. Not after what happened last week.

FLASHBACK

Jack and Kim are in a town. Kim is behind a bottomless pit while Jack is talking to her.

Kim: (crying) Daddy, why are you doing this! This is crazy! This is madness.

Jack: (angry) No, Sweetie. THIS IS SPARTA!

He kicks his daughter in the hole.

FLASHBACK END

Chloe: I think you've been hitting the bong a little too much lately.

Jack: No, I haven't. Prove it.

Chloe: Well, you thought that the town park was a McDonald's and you drove right through it. Those poor kids…

Jack: I've done that while I was sober.

Chloe: For another thing, this is not CTU. This is…

Jack: Sparta?

Chloe: No, you idiot. This is NASA.

Jack: Same difference. Now, you go off to school!

Chloe: (gets out of car and goes to driver's side) Get out of the car!

Jack: (gets out of car) Geez, bitch much? (goes into backseat)

8:50 am

The mother goes into the kid's room.

Mom: Honey, are you done your breakfast?

Kid: (stares at the screen; doesn't say a word) Yes, Mom.

Mom: What are watching?

Kid: Frrreeeeed.

Mom: (looks at the video) This boy sure is annoying. He makes White Chicks seem tolerable.

Kid: Can we buy helium and loads of sugar?

Mom: Now hold on a minute, Mister…

Kid: I'm a girl.

Mom: Now, listen, young man. I don't want to have a child who sounds like Alvin and the Chipmunks with a lot of diabetes.

Kid: (gives his mom an evil look) Urge to kill rising.

Mom: (goes out of room) Oh so dramatic.

8:55 am

All the scenes are in split screen boxes. Logan and Cheney stare at Saddam who is smiling like an idiot. Fred in laughing like a villain, while giving his mother a sponge bath. The kid laughs so hard he falls into a coma while the mother is doing laundry.

Jack and Chloe finally arrive at CTU. Chloe gets out of the car while Jack goes back to the driver's seat.

Jack: Well, here we are. Enjoy your first day of school!

Chloe: This isn't a school, this is…

Jack: Sparta?

Chloe: CTU! You don't know me at all. You don't anything about me at all! Are you even paying attention to me?

Jack: (eating a cheeseburger) Hm? Oh yeah! Nice cannonball! Let's hope you make the cheerleading team this year. Remember, fix your face! I've pick you up later!

With that, Jack drove away and, while doing this, he ran over Milo. Jack stops the car and looks behind him to see what he hit.

Jack: (shrugs) No one important. (drives away)

8:59:57

8:59:58

8:59:59

9:00:00

Next time on 24:

Milo and Jack are on a bus.

Jack: I love you, Milo.

Milo: I love you too. But if you want me, you have to defeat my seven evil exes.

Jack: Say what?

Then:

Logan: Cheney, why the Hell did you bring Saddam back to life?

Saddam: (laughs) Relax, guy. I'm… the new guy. (gives Cheney and Logan the evil eye)

Logan: Whoa. You're hired.

Finally:

Chloe: I want my phone call.

Mr. Smith: What good is a phone call if you're unable to speak?

Chloe tries to speak but her mouth disappears while Smith grabs her.

Mr. Smith: This won't hurt a bit.

He reaches into his pocket and pulls out a DVD: From Justin to Kelly. Chloe starts to cry while the movie starts.

That's next on 24.