Previously on 24...

Jack, Morris, Milo, Chloe, Bill are in a writing room, frustrated.

Jack: Well, (smashes pen on table) WE'RE F***ED! WE'VE RAN OUT OF JOKES!

Bill: (slaps Jack) THAT'S NOT TRUE! We've been doing this for 23 chapters!

Chloe: Haven't you noticed that it's taken over a YEAR to get this whole thing done?

Morris: Oh God. Oh Man. Oh God.


Bill: People, calm down! Nobody has noticed that we've been using the same joke 17 times over!

Chloe: You do realize that we ARE in a script, right. And everything we're saying is being typed out.

Jack: (kneels on ground and points to the sky...ceiling) Damn you, God. WHY? WHYYYYYYYY?


Jack: (pulls out gun, goes to Milo, aims) HOW MANY TIMES HAVE I TOLD YOU! NEVER USE MY WORD!

Chloe: Jack! Calm down!


Suddenly, the door opens and in comes...

Vanilla Ice: Yup, yup. (grabs a microphone out of nowhere and starts dancing) Yo, yo, yo.

Morris: Did ANYONE in this room call for a Vanilla Ice joke?

Bill: I think his dancing and rapping is making me sick.

Jack: (shoots Vanilla Ice) Now this guy (puts on sunglasses) just got iced. (stands on writers table) YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAHHHHH! (plays air guitar)

Chloe: Jack! What the Hell? You SHOT someone.

All: (except Chloe) And?

Chloe: This is real life, not a fictional story written by a deranged sociopath!

Milo: But I thought we wrote the story.

Chloe: Do you want to go back in the box?

Milo: Please don't send me back there.

Bill: Wait, (pulls out 24 – Chapter 24 script) the beginning of the script CLEARY says...hold on a minute...JACK! GODDAMN IT, STOP PLAYING THAT DAMN GUITAR!

Jack: But I'm not playing any instrument...

Bill: (pulls out gun, aims it at Jack) DON'T GIVE ME ANY LIP, BOY!

Jack: (pulls out gun, aims it at Bill) DON'T LIP ME ABOUT GIVING ME LIP!

Morris: (pulls out gun, aims it at Bill) PUT THE GODDAMN GUN DOWN!

Milo: (pulls out gun) OH MY GOD! WHO DO I SHOOT FIRST!

Chloe: Wait a minute...who gave Milo a gun?

Everybody stares at Milo for a few seconds before the door opens and a person peeks in.

Shaggy: (the rapper) Wasn't me. (closes door) *awkward silence as everyone puts their gun away*

Bill: Now, as I was saying to you F***ING MORONS, the script says that WE write the scripts for this show.

Chloe: (pulls out gun, aims at Bill) I TOLD YOU ONCE, I TOLD YOU TWICE, NEVER EVER EVER GIVE ME LOGIC LESSONS, YOU F***ING TWAT! (calms down) Okay, now, let's hide the body in a place where no one will find it.

A car ride later

Jack: (gets out of the driver's seat) Okay, we take the body out of the trunk and we dump it in a river.

Chloe: (out of the passenger's seat) How you say it sounds like you've done this before.

Bill: (gets out of back seat with Morris) Guys, I've tried to call Audrey but she hasn't been answering her phone...for 3 weeks.

Chloe: Care to explain, Jack.

Jack: Nope. (7 second silence)

Morris: Uhhh, Jack. I saw some dried blood on the back seats.

Jack: Chloe just had her period. (opens trunk and pulls Vanilla Ice's body out)


Jack: (drops Ice in horror) I KNEW YOU WEREN'T A WOMAN!


Chloe: I am a woman! I didn't have my period and I was sitting in the front seat with you.

Jack: (looks at Milo) Maybe...Milo is a woman?

Milo: (looks shocked) They know my secret. I can't let them confirm this.

Morris: Milo. We can hear what you're saying loud and clear.

Milo: I was supposed to be thinking my thoughts instead of talking out loud, huh?

Jack: DAMMIT! HELP ME WITH VANILLA ICE! (lifts body) What the... (looks closely at body) THIS IS JUST A DUMMY!

Bill: Yeah, but he sells albums! (everybody looks at Bill, with a 'did you really just say that?' look)

Voice: HEY, MOTHER F***ERS! (everyone turns around...it's Vanilla Ice) IT'LL TAKE MORE THAN BULLETS TO KILL MY CAREER! (pulls out semi-automatic and shoots everyone to death) It looks like they got iced...(puts on sunglasses) by the Ice Man. (fireworks go off behind him as he says YEEEEEEEAAAAAHHHH!)

At the REAL writing room

Jack: ...And then, Santa Claus and Jesus Christ would come and do a rap song with Vanilla Ice about the importance of peace and harmony!

Chloe: (stares at Jack) Jack...that has got to be the dumbest thing I have ever heard...and we wrote your lines from the beginning of the story.

Milo: Yeah, I'm the stupidest person here and even I found that horribly stupid.

Chloe: See, Jack? When MILO of all people says your idea is stupid, THAT is when you've become the dumbest person in the room.

Jack: Uhhhh, Bebe's Kids?

Morris: Get the f***out of this room.

Bill: (comes into the room) What the Hell are you guys doing here?

Milo: We've writing the last chapter to this amazing story.

Chloe: Milo, I've told you once and I've told you twice, when you talk about this story, put quotes around the word amazing.

Morris: What's up, Morris?

Bill: Haven't you heard?

Jack: Oh yeah. I've heard.

Bill: Oh yeah? (crosses arms) What have you heard?

Jack: That the bird is the word! (pulls out stereo and dances to music on table) About the bird, bird, bird, the bird is the word. About the bird, bird...(gets shot by Chloe, passes out)

Chloe: I'm sorry, last time he did that, it went on for 4 hours. What's up, Bill.

Bill: We've been cancelled.

Milo: (flips over table) NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! (runs in circles in the room)

Morris: Is there a reason, why?

Bill: Because nobody knows about this "show".

Chloe: Why are there quotes around the word show?

Bill: Never mind that right now. We all have to stay calm and find a reasonable solution to our problems. (pulls out sawed off shotgun) NOW LET'S BITCH AND MOAN TO THE PEOPLE RESPONSIBLE! WHO'S WITH ME?

Jack: (gets up, pulls out pistol) I AM!

Chloe: (gets up, pulls out handballers) LET'S GO!

Milo: (pulls out sniper rifle) AAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!

Morris: (pulls out golf club) WHOO-HOO!

Bill: (pulls out machine gun) I LOVE YOU! YOU LOVE ME! LET'S GO KILL SOME OLD PANSY!

All: WHOOOOOOOOOOO! (run out of room)

At the editor's desk

Editor: (looks at watch) How long has it been since that idiot has been here?

Me: (bursts into room) Sorry, I'm late!

Editor: Where the f*** have you been? IT'S BEEN MONTHS SINCE YOUR LAST CHAPTER...SINCE JANUARY!

Me: Sorry. I had to promote Harrison Laine's videos.

Editor: But THOSE were finished MONTHS ago!

Me: (looks around, nervously) Well, there was an incident at the end of the last video and...I had to...get away from people...

Editor: Well, anyway, your last chapter has been LONG overdue.

Me: Sir, with all due respect, who would wait ALL these months just to find out what happens at the end of a story?


A girl is waiting in front of her computer screen, going slightly mad.

Snheetah: Come on! Where is the damn chapter! I've waited months and months for it to come! (kneels on ground and screams) WHY IS THE WORLD SO CRUEL! WHYYYYYYYYYYYY...

At the editor's desk

Me: If it's anything like that fan girl of my CSI stories, I'm in for a world of hurt.

Editor: Duly noted, now where the f*** is the script.

Me: (pulls out 24 – Chapter 24 script) Here it is! Mind you, I wrote it in an hour.

Editor: Then why didn't you hand this in a week AFTER chapter 23?

Me: Uhhhh...I wrote it this morning.

Editor: (looks at script) Is that why there`s only one page?

Me: Yes and it`s epic.

Editor: Oh, God.

The following takes place between 7:00 am to 8:00 am

Jack, Chloe, Morris, Milo and Bill are sitting at a table.

Jack: Well, I...(CTU blows up, killing everybody inside) End of series.

At the editor`s desk

Editor: You can`t be serious.

Me: I AM! Isn`t it a perfect end to a great show?

Editor: That was barely 10 seconds! What about the other 59 minutes and 50 seconds?

Me: It`s just be a black screen. It`s like a 59 minutes and 50 seconds of silence to all the people who died on the show!

Editor: Wouldn`t that just piss people off?

Me: Like who?


A girl looks at the latest chapter of 24 of her computer screen.

Snheetah: That...was...AWESOME! (looks closely at script) Wait...who is this fan girl who says she likes his CSI stories. (pulls out gun) Time to get rid of another fan girl. (turns around to computer behind her) Open the pod bay doors, Hal.

Hal 9000: I`m sorry, Miss. But Marcen12 stories are too important for me to let you kill people who like his stories.

Snheetah: Fine. I`ll use Dexter`s laboratory computer. (leaves room) I will find that fan girl...even if it takes me immediately.


Editor: Okay. You cannot be serious about this.

Me: Well...(door opens) What the f***?

Jack, Chloe, Morris, Milo and Bill crash the editor`s room...holding guns.

Jack: We want answers!

Editor: FOR WHAT?

Chloe: You cancelled our show!

Morris: We spent a year writing a script for this show and before it finishes, YOU cancel us?

Editor: I`m the editor, I have no say on what gets can...wait a minute, YOU people have been writing scripts? (looks at Me) Then who the f*** are you?


Editor: (looks at angry crowd) If you`re angry characters, how come you write scripts to make yourselves dumber?

Milo: Because this idiot writes them!

Editor: Okay. Who writes these damn scripts? You guys or him?

Morris: (looks around, nervous) Uhhh...Chuck Nor...(gets shot)

Editor: (pulls back pistol) Anyone else want to make a recurring joke?

Milo: I think...(gets shot)

Me: You`re shooting the main characters! I NEED TO WRITE THEM IN THE STORY!

Editor: F*** your story! (phone rings, picks up) Uh huh. Bye. (hangs up) Good gravy. It turns out that your show was never cancelled at all.

Chloe: It wasn`t? (turns to Bill) Exactly, WHO told you that our show was getting cancelled?

Bill: Some guy I made up.

Jack: (takes Editor`s gun, shoots Bill, gives it back) Have a nice day. (walks out of room, with him and Chloe dragging out the bodies)

Chloe: Don`t worry. We`ll edit this in post. (closes door)

Editor: How the Hell do you edit actual deaths in post?

Me: Sir...this story has the stupidest characters, the most moronic plot twists, asinine recurring jokes and a plot that makes EVERY SINGLE JAPANESE GAME SHOW EVER MADE seem normal...and THAT is what you`re questioning?

Editor: I`ve been bitching and moaning about this story since day 1!

Me: But we weren`t IN the first chapter!

Editor: YOU DIE NOW! (shoots Me in the face)




Me: ...And that`s how I met your mother.

Editor: That has got to be the longest, unfunniest joke I have EVER heard.

Me: I know. I was just stalling for time.

Editor: Stalling? For what?

Me: (looks around, nervous) Uhhh...the Bat Sig...


A window crashes and in comes the Caped Crusader himself.


Batman: (deep voice) That`s right, I`m real! Tell your friends. (looks at Me) Here you go. (tosses a package on desk)

Me: Thanks, Batman!

Batman: Remember, it`s not who you are inside, but who you make yourself to be. (flies out window)

Editor: So...you know the Batman, huh?

Me: Yep.

Editor: I`ve killed you several times and you didn't tell me you were best buds with Batman.

Me: I`m not a show off. (lifts package off desk, opens it, passes Editor the contents) And now, here`s the final script.

Editor: (takes it) Over a year of psychological torture all leading up to the moment. Let`s do this.

The following takes place between 7:00 am to 8:00 am...well, actually, dreams really don`t have much time...f*** it.

7:00 am

The first dream

Morris is outside a building, where it is raining hard. A car pulls up next to him and he gets in, where Dom, Jack and Chloe are)

Dom: It`s raining...who had too much to drink. (everyone looks at Morris) How drunk are you?

Morris: (rolls down windows and throws up) Not too bad.

Jack: Okay, so what are we doing here?

Dom: Well, we are in New York, so this is Morris`s dream.

Chloe: Morris`s dream? I thought it would have liquor stores everywhere...like New Jersey. And I thought it would smell bad...like New Jersey.

Dom: So, I got Milo to kidnap Cheney so we...

Jack: Wait, Cheney is with us?

Dom: Yes and we need Jack here to tell us Cheney`s plans.

Chloe: But we KNOW Cheney`s plans.

Dom: But we need to know HOW he does it. And with Jack here, we will give it to us.

Jack: (pulls guns out of pockets) Interrogation is my middle name.

Morris: I wasn't aware you had a middle name.

Chloe: This plan sounds fine and dandy but...who did you say was going to kidnap Cheney?

Dom: Milo.

Jack, Chloe and Morris: Uh oh.

Jack: (hears crashing, looks behind him) Uhhhh, guys. I think I see Milo.

Dom: (looks where Jack is looking) Yeah, didn't we see him like 2 minutes ago, yet, he has like 40 dents in that car.

Milo: (drives past them, talks very quickly) Igotcheneydriveasfastasyoucan! (speeds off)

Jack: (starts car) Put the pedal to the metal...WHAT THE HELL? (sees a train pass by them) WHAT THE F*** IS A TRAIN DOING IN THE MIDDLE OF THE ROAD? That`s just wacky! I mean, what`s next? Card games on motorcycles?

Random Person: (appears beside Jack) CARD GAMES ON MOTORCYCLES! (Jack shoots RP)

Jack: Let`s roll! (drives very fast)

Morris: Careful! Watch the speed limit! (police sirens are chasing the cars) SON OF A BITCH!

Dom: Those are projections!

Chloe: Sorry?

Dom: Projections are shields! I guess Cheney`s subconscious has learned to defend itself.

Chloe: I guess that explains the train on the road.

Dom: (looks up, melodramatically) Yes...it would explain the train. (My Heart Will Go On is playing in his head)

The cars are driving away from the projections and are being shot at. Jack`s side mirror is shot off.

Jack: Those mother- (leans out window, shoots at police cars) I just got this car! I`ll kill you all!

Chloe: How are you driving perfectly while shooting at the same time?

Jack: I bet you didn't know that my ass has its own license plate.

Morris: That is the stupidest thing I have ever heard.

Jack: The stupidest thing you`ve heard in your life...so far!

Jack hits something and it flies in the air.

Dom: What the Hell was that?

Jack: Who cares? It`s the city, hit and runs happen all the time

Chloe: (looks behind her) Wasn`t that Cindy Campbell?

Morris: What the Hell was she doing in the middle of the road?


At the editor`s desk

Editor: What, no joke?

Me: Sorry, I drew a blank. (laughs loudly) HAAA! GET IT! BECAUSE YOU DRAW A BLANK MEANING...(stops awkwardly when seeing Editor`s blank expression) HA! GET IT! Because...blank expression? Draw a blank? (gets shot in face by Editor)

Editor: (puts away gun) Now, YOU have been blanked.

Me: (gets up) YEEEEEEEAAAAAAHHHHH! (gets shot...again)

Back to the story

After a shooting drive out...

Dom: Turn here!

Jack: Don`t tell me what to do! I`m Jack Bauer, bitch! (turns left, into a garage, parks car)

Chloe: Milo? (car crashes through garage behind them)

Milo: (drops out of car) Ooooh, f***!

Dom: What the f*** happened? (goes to Milo)

Milo: I got shot when I got Cheney. (shows them bullet wound in stomach) I feel like I`m dying.

Jack: (pulls out gun) Well, I can fix that.

Dom: Don`t! Don`t do this!

Jack: Why the f*** not? Didn`t you hear what I said earlier? I`m Jack Bauer. I can decide who lives and who dies!

Dom: Listen to me. We`ve taken a sedative that is extremely powerful and we won`t wake up if you kill ourselves or each other. Because of the sedative, if you die, you go in limbo.

Chloe: Limbo? What the Hell is that?

Dom: An unconstructed dream space where the dreamer would be trapped indefinitely.

Morris: Oh, you got to be f***ing kidding me?

Chloe: If you knew all this, why didn't you tell us this BEFORE we went into the dreams?

Dom: (looks around, nervous) Yeah, I didn't think this one through.

Jack: So, if Milo dies...again...he`ll go into limbo.

Dom: Correct.

Jack: Oh, well. Good news for me. (aims gun at Milo)

Chloe: STOP IT!

Jack: (puts away gun) You`re no fun.

Dom: Where`s Cheney?

Milo: In the trunk. He`s passed out with a bag over his head.

Dom: (goes to trunk, opens it) This is a car. Why didn't you put him in the back seat?

Milo: Because I didn't want him to notice me.

Jack: (helps Dom pull out Cheney out of car) Isn`t that what the bag is for?

Milo: Hey! I`ve been fatally shot! When you try to make sense of this plot...whatever it started with...while you`ve been SHOT, THEN you can bitch to me!

Dom: Morris, Jack. Take Cheney to the next room. Chloe, take care of Milo.

Jack: You got it, Dude. (him and Morris drag Cheney to another room)

Dom: Don`t call me dude. I`m not a stoner anymore. Not ever since...(looks melodramatically at the sky, ice cream music playing in his head, guns and screams are heard also)

Chloe: (goes to Dom) I`m worried.

Dom: Don`t worry. The deeper into the dreams Milo goes, the less severe the wound will get.

Chloe: I don`t give two s***s about Milo.

Milo: You know, just because I`m dying, doesn't mean I`m not deaf.

Chloe: (walks away from Milo with Dom) I`m worried about what`s going to happen.

Dom: Nothing, I guarantee.

Chloe: Then what was up with the train?

Dom: It was originally a doomed boat...(looks up melodramatically)

Chloe: DOM!

Dom: Sorry. (snaps back to normal) It had something to do with my wife and I. We used to go into dreams and, one time, we stayed in one dream for years and years on end. We grew old together. Then, we had to go. So, in order to wake up, we killed ourselves by letting a train run over us.

Chloe: Ewww, you had sex in order to kill yourselves?

Dom: A MOVING TRAIN, YOU IDIOT! (calms down) Now, the projections from my life are affecting the dream here.

Chloe: Then, why didn't you get the help you needed BEFORE you brought us down here?

Dom: I didn't think it was a big deal.

Chloe: A train almost got us killed and Cheney`s defences are at work, trying to kill us. PLEASE tell me how that`s not a big deal.

Dom: (looks around, nervous) The BAT Sig...

Chloe: (pulls out gun, aims at Dom) Do you want to go into Limbo?

Dom: I`ve been there. It`s horrifying. It`s filled with George Lucas`s movies that he f***ed up AND every single Pauly Shore movie ever made.

Chloe: That doesn`t sound too bad.

Dom: It also has all the Marcen12 stories AND more.

Chloe: (pulls away gun) Oh God.

Dom: There is no God...at least, not here.

Chloe: You have NO idea what you`ve got gotten us into.

Dom: (sees Morris) Alright, we need to get Cheney to reconsider his plan...at least, suggest it, get it in his head.

Morris: Uhhhh huh. About that idea...

Chloe: Where`s Jack?

Morris: Well, you and Jack are on the same idea wavelength...only he`s forcing it into him.

Dom: (looks at Morris`s feet) Why are your shoes tracking blood?

Morris: Jack is in the other room...I...there are no words.

In the next room

Jack: (punching Cheney in bloodied head) WHO DO YOU WORK FOR? (punches Cheney in face) WHY DID YOU LIKE KARATE KID PART 3? (punches crotch) WHY DO PEOPLE HATE INDIANA JONES 4? SURE, THE CGI WAS SHODDY, BUT (punches Cheney in face) IT (punches Cheney in face) WAS (face again) FUN!

Chloe and Dom come in the room.


Jack: Interrogation.

Dom: (looks at Chloe) Is this how he does his work?

Chloe: Yeah, we`re used to it.

Dom: But Morris...

Chloe: He`s a drama queen.


Chloe: Morris, where did you get that dress?

Morris: Where did you get that face?

Morris: From your mom! OOOOOOOOHHHHHHH!

Chloe: (deadpan) Wow, great comeback.

Morris: Now, if you`ll excuse me, I have to go on the date with one of the people who were just chasing us.

Dom: Oh okay...wait, what?

Morris: Yeah, there are gun men surrounding the place, waiting for their next move.

Chloe: Why didn't you tell us earlier?


Dom: Yeah...he`s got a point. (turns to Jack) Okay, Jack. Have you tried to suggesting to Cheney NOT to go ahead with the plan?

Jack: He has. Dammit.

Chloe: What? That takes care of stage one of the dream.

Jack: I wanted to pistol whip him.

Dom: Jack, we need Cheney ALIVE.

Chloe: Isn`t Cheney technically dead?

Dom: Oh yeah...but we can`t take that chance. Now, you two, put Cheney in the car, we have to put him in the car.

Jack: (lifts up Cheney, Chloe helps) Where are we going next?

Dom: (walks to car, with Jack and Chloe carrying Cheney) We`re going to the next dream. (goes to Morris) Morris, we need you to drive away from the projections.

Morris: ME? Did you not hear me? I am an alcoholic!

Jack: Well, sober or drunk, you drive erratically.

Chloe: Yeah, he`s got a point.


Jack, Chloe and Bill are playing Need For Speed: Underground 2.

Jack: Wow! This game is better than Burnout 3!

Chloe: I did not just hear that.

There is a crash outside of the house.

Bill: (gets up) What the f*** was that? (goes outside...to see Morris`s car crashed in front of his house) WHAT THE F*** ARE YOU DOING?

Morris: (gets out of the car, holding a hooker) Help me! She`s overdosed on heroin she found in my pocket!

Bill: What have I told you about bringing hookers who overdosed over to my house?

Morris: Go next door to Charlie Sheen`s house.

Bill: EXACTLY! Now get the f*** off my lawn!

At the editor`s desk

Editor: You`re STILL making Charlie Sheen jokes?

Me: Well, you know me. I`m old fashioned.

Editor: Your mom was old fashioned. OOOOOOOOOOHHHHHH!

Me: Oh okay.

Editor: Wait...that`s it? No Bat Signal? No Chuck Norris joke? No gun jokes?

Me: Nope. Because you`re older than me...so YOUR mom is dead.

Editor: Okay, that was uncalled for.

Me: That isn't what your mom said when I grave robbed her.

Editor: I respect you as a writer...sorry, the word respect should be in quotations...but if you continue to act like a child.

Me: (opens door) Hey, everybody! Mr. Editor misses his mommy! (closes door)

Editor: I f***ed your girlfriend!

Me: (angry) Oh you TWAT! (pulls out gun)

Editor: SIT YOUR 6 FOOT 3 ASTHMATIC ASS DOWN! (pulls out gun)

Me: You know what? Let`s settle this like gentlemen.

At a TV show

Me and The Editor are on a stage with an audience.


Jerry Springer: Welcome back to the show. We are here with these two gentlemen, one of them has a girlfriend and cheated on him with his friend.

Me: He is NOT my friend, guy!

Editor: I am not your guy, friend!

Me: I am not your buddy, man!

Editor: I am not your man, buddy!

Me: (about to say something but stops) Wait what?

Editor: (looks back to what he said) Whoa, sorry. That went a little too far.

Jerry: Now, you both hate each other because his girlfriend cheated on him.



Jerry: Why don`t we ask her right now! She`s back stage right now! Jessica, come out!

A woman dressed in casual (slutty) clothing...trailer trashy.

Me: (gets up to Jessica) Is it true? Did you cheat on me?

Jessica: Hell ya I did!

Me: WHY? I gave you everything! I took care of you!

Jessica: It`s because your friend over there is much stronger than your weak willness.

Editor: That`s right. She loves me. She`s in bed with me going OOOOOOOHHHH EDITOR! OOOOOOOOHHHHHHH EDITOR!

Me: (goes to Editor) You mother (BLEEP)! (punches Editor) YOU (BLEEP) my girlfriend, you (BLEEP)!

Editor: (punches back) If you satisfied your girl, she wouldn't have come to me!

Me and Editor start fighting.

Audience: Jerry! Jerry! Jerry!

Guards split us up and Jerry talks some more.

Jerry: Now, that`s what I call balls to the wall. (Audience laughs as Jerry goes to a male audience member) What do you think of this whole situation? (leans microphone to member)

Audience Member: Girl? Why do you waste your time with those idiots...when you can spend time with...the ICE ICE BABY! (this member of the audience turns out to be Vanilla Ice) Yup. Yup. (takes microphone away from Jerry) I`m the people`s choice, y`all. (gets shot twice at the same time)

Me: (puts away gun) Sorry, he will not stop when he starts.

Editor: (puts away gun) Yeah, trust us. We`re doing you all a favor.

Jessica: But that was Vanilla Ice! Why did you kill him?

Me: Shut the (BLEEP) up, you (BLEEP)


Jerry: You`re just going to let her get away?

Me: I don`t know her.

Jerry: Wait, what?

Me: I don`t have a girlfriend.

Editor: You don`t?

Me: No! And your mom`s still alive, remember? She`s in Miami with your dad!

Editor: (remembers) Oh yeah! (confused) Then why the Hell are we here?

Me: I don`t know! Let`s get back to the office. (walks out)

Editor: Thanks, Jerry! (walks out)

Jerry: (looks to the camera) Coming up next. Aliens come from outer space so they can get back their alien human baby. Stay tuned. (camera pans out to audience, who are applauding)

At the editor`s desk

Me: Do you have any idea why that show is still on?

Editor: Satan.

Me: (shrugs) I`ll take it.

Back to the story

The gang are in the car, Morris is the front seat, everyone else in the back.

Dom: Now, remember, Morris, we need you to get away from the projections. So, drive around the city. Just don`t crash the car, we need the time to get into Chloe`s dream and get Cheney to think that his kidnapping was orchestrated by Jeff Goldblum.

Morris: Jeff Goldblum? Why would he think he`s a kidnapper.

Dom: Think about it...would ANYONE suspect Jeff Goldblum?

Jack: (shocked) Wow.


Dom: Exactly. Jeff Goldblum thought it up...and he purposely made the plan stupid so no one would suspect him...oh, sure, he`s quirky in real life...but he`s sadistic. You know that line in Jurassic Park? "Must go faster. Must go faster." That is the line he uses in real life when he`s running away from the authorities...and they still don`t know it`s him.

Chloe: Then, why don`t you tell the cops if you know he did it?

Dom: Chloe...would YOU believe that Jeff Goldblum causes 2 billion dollars worth of crimes?

Chloe: (sits back, dumbfounded) F***. That is a brilliant man.

Milo: QUIT PISSING AROUND HERE! I`m dying and there are armed guards following us! So, let`s go, dammit!

Jack: Don`t use my word or I`ll kill you!

Dom: But that would send him in Limbo.

Jack: I`m willing to take that chance.

Dom: Alright, Morris, let`s drive. Jack, put your needle in. Chloe, put your needle in and then help Milo put his in.

Milo: Wait a minute. I`m dying and my needle is put in last?

Dom: It`s the rules of the car.

Milo: That`s just stupid. Injured people should go first. What the f*** is wrong with you people? What if I die?

Chloe: You know, the way you`re talking right now seems like you could do it yourself.

Milo: No. You can do it for me.

Chloe: (rolls eyes, puts Milo`s needle in) We`re ready to go, Morris.

Dom: Alright, push the button on the machine, we have to get to the next dream. Everyone, synch up your watches. Morris, in 50 minutes, you give us a kick.

Morris: A what?

Dom: It helps us get out of a dream. Use water or extremely violent movement. Don`t do this too late or too soon, otherwise, it won`t work. (pulls out headphones) Put these on Chloe and play music 4 minutes before you do the kick. We all have to synch the kicks in all the dreams, otherwise, the dreams will fall apart and it`s Checkmate for all of us.

Morris: (starts car) You go it, boss. (pushes button, everyone falls asleep) Here we go. (engine dies) Oh f*** my life.

The Second Dream

Cheney is in a bar, with a drink in his hand.

Dom: (beside him) It`s simple, really.

Cheney: What is? Who are you?

Dom: I`m the guy who will be helping you. You`re in incredible danger.

Cheney: I am? What`s going on?

Dom: You`re about to be kidnapped. (pauses and looks at two children playing ball...My Heart Will Go On plays in his head) I`m going to help you.


Jack and Chloe are sitting on a bench.

Jack: So, what`s happening here?

Chloe: Dom is going to tell Cheney who he really is.

Jack: Wouldn`t that screw up the plan?

Chloe: As long as nothing goes wrong...(looks around) People are staring at us.

Jack: Quick, kiss me.

Chloe: (slaps Jack in face) The day I kiss you is the day that Harrison Laine does movie reviews again. (walks away)

Jack: (looks at people looking at him) Women! Can`t live with them...can`t sleep with them.

At the editor`s desk

Editor: That seems kind of harsh towards women, doesn't it?

Me: (shrugs) We were on the Jerry Springer show...this pales in comparison.

Editor: Okay but the line about Harrison Laine really concerns me. What happened to him?

Me: (nervous) Just keep reading.

Back to the story

Dom is still talking to Cheney.

Dom: You see that liquid you`re drinking?

Cheney: (looks at his drink) Oh my God! Is it poison?

Dom: (shrugs) How the f*** should I know? Anyway, you`re in a dream within a dream...and people are trying to kidnap you.

Cheney: What did I do?

Dom: You came from Hell, remember?

Cheney: Oh yeah. Back when people listened to me and took me seriously.

Dom: Jeff Goldblum is trying to kidnap you.


Dom: (looks around, people are looking at them) Calm down, okay. There is a room upstairs that we have to go to so you can be safe.

Cheney: Fine. (people look away) But I got to take a wicked piss.

Dom: Fine, let`s go. (gets up with Cheney)

Cheney: You`re coming with me? What, are you going to help me shake it?

Dom: If it keeps you safe from Mr. Goldblum.


Jack is walking to an elevator when he sees Milo.

Jack: Milo, we have to go to...(sees someone behind him...Bill) Bill! What the Hell are YOU doing here?

Bill: I was bored at CTU. Nothing is happening up there so I said, what the Hell.

Milo: How the Hell did you get down here and find us?

Bill: I used the sleep thing and thought of Morris...then I ended up in a bar.

Jack: Why do I get the feeling that there is a plot hole in the one sentence?

Bill: So, what`s going on?

Jack: We have to get Cheney up to a hotel room. I have to go up and put mines in the elevator and the hotel room.

Milo: Then Chloe has to stay here to fight off the projectors since this is her dream.

Bill: Nice. And guess what? I found out that I can change into different people!

Jack: Really? How forced in to the story.

Bill: I can only do it when no one is looking.

Milo: Change into Jeff Goldblum.

Jack: Cheater.

Bill: WHAT?

Milo: You`re probably going to get Jeff Goldblum from out of nowhere and pretend that he`s you being him.

Bill: How preposterous!

Milo: Yeah, I have to go do stuff since I`m kind of pointless here. (walks away, coughs up blood) No more doing bloody maries in the middle of the night.


Dom and Cheney go into the bathroom.

Cheney: This is the women`s washroom.

Dom: Do you even care?

Cheney: I guess not. (washroom opens and men in black suits come in with gun) OH GOD!

Dom: (pulls out gun and shoots them both) These were the kidnapper`s associates!

Cheney: I don`t have to use the bathroom anymore.

Dom: We have to get out of here, quick.

Cheney: (takes a gun from one of the associates and puts the trigger on his head) Hell with that.

Dom: I wouldn't do that if I were you.

Cheney: Why, what`s going to happen? Will I die? I CAME FROM HELL! I`M PRETTY SURE I`M USED TO DEATH BY THIS POINT!

Dom: These kidnappers put a strong sedative in your drink.

Cheney: So, I`ll wake up before the sedative kicks in.

Dom: The kidnappers already did. Remember, you`re in a dream within a dream. If you shoot yourself, you go into Limbo.

Cheney: So, Jeff Goldblum already dosed me and this is his dream?

Dom: Yep.

Cheney: Then, why didn't he kill me in the last dream?

Dom: Shut up, or I`ll slap you with my ring hand.

Cheney: You`re married?

Dom: (looks up, melodramatically) I was. (Titanic song plays in his head...snaps out of it) Let`s go. There are people who work with me in the hotel room. (both get out of bathroom)


Chloe arrives on the hotel room floor where she meets Jack and Bill.

Chloe: Bill? What the f*** are you doing here?

Bill: Long story.

Jack: He was bored and he decided to come with us.

Chloe: Oh okay. So, what`s going on?

Jack: Well, I set up the detonators and the sleep thing in the hotel room. Dom will come up with Cheney so he can convince him to go into my dream and access the final objective.

Bill: Which is?

Jack: Get Cheney to re thinks his plan for world domination.

Milo: (comes up behind Chloe) I feel dizzy.

Jack: Don`t worry. The wound will be less severe in the next dream, which you, me, Dom and Bill will go to.

Chloe: Wait, what about me?

Jack: Chloe, this is YOUR dream. You have to keep away the projections from disrupting our plans.

Chloe: Wait, why couldn't you do this, Jack?

Jack: Because it`s not my dream. Now, remember, don`t get killed.


Milo: (wincing in pain) Because it`s a dream. Suspend your disbelief.

Chloe: Heart of a poet.

An elevator from behind them opens...Dom and Cheney come out.

Dom: Don`t worry, they`re with us...I`m not sure how Bill got here, but I`ll read it in the script.

Chloe: Trust me, this is already too complicated for a script.

Dom: Where`s the hotel room?

Jack: This way. (leads group to hotel room, kicks down door) Okay, the kidnappers aren't here. We have to hurry.

Cheney: What`s going on?

Dom: (sets up sleep thing and pulls out a needle) We have to go into another dream to stop the kidnappers from destroying you any further. Get on the bed.

Milo: Maybe we should leave these two, you guys. I don`t like where this is going.

Jack: I do. Anyone have any popcorn?

Dom: We are going to put you to sleep. (takes sleeping pill from pocket) Take this, quickly.

Cheney: Okay. (swallows pill) But I don`t know how fast it will...(falls asleep)

Jack: Why couldn't we use ether on him?

Chloe: Because he`ll suspect WE are the kidnappers.

Jack: Well, there are three ways to do things: The good way, the bad way and the Jack Bauer way.

Dom: (puts needle in his own arm) What the Jack Bauer way.

Jack: The bad way with many many MANY more consequences.

Dom: Yeah, I`ve read the past scripts for this series...that is MORE than true.

Milo: (puts needle into arm) Let`s do this.

Jack: Chloe. Are you sure you can defend this room?


Jack: Thata girl!

Dom: Chloe. In 40 minutes, you will need to do the kick. (pulls out headphones) 4 minutes before you do the kick, which is about the same time Morris is about to do his, put these on Jack and play music. This is a warning that time will be up soon.

Chloe: Got it...you A-holes. (sees that the men are lying down, with needles in their arms) Oh God, this reminds me of that drug trip in Canada. You guys ready?

Dom: Push the button, Chloe.

Chloe: (pushes button on sleep thing, the men fall asleep) I bet Morris doesn't have to put up with this.


Morris is looking at the engine of the car.

Morris: Damn, I can't figure out why this car isn't starting. (engine catches fire) Hmmm, this must be a metaphor of some kind. Maybe if I...do...something with the engine. Maybe I can change it. (touches engine, screams) FIRE BAD! (runs around) What can I use? (goes into another room and sees a sink full of water, a fire extinguisher, a hose and a machine gun) Well, this is obvious.


Morris: (holding machine gun, engine is destroyed) Well, I thought I could just SHOOT the fire away but I think I made it worse. (gunshots come from window) Oh yeah. I forgot about those guys. (puts down machine gun) I got to defend myself. (goes into other room)


Jack, Milo, Dom, Cheney and Bill are in Jack's dream, which is at a snowy mountain fortress.

Dom: So, everybody got the plan?

Jack: Sure we do. But why don't you explain it to Milo. He's a little slow.

Dom: Alright, we need to get to the tower but there are a lot of projections on the way there. Everyone needs to work on their parts to get past them. Milo, you come with me. Jack, find a way to get there. (gives him a backpack) These are explosives. Plant them around the tower. Bill...you bring Cheney with you. Make sure Cheney gets there to that secret room...do what you do best.

Milo: Oh, that's going to be a fun turn of events.

Bill: What's that supposed to mean?

Milo: You've been in the past 23 chapter, you know EXACTLY what I mean.

Jack: Secret room? What secret room?

Dom: There's some sort of room in the tower that illustrates Cheney's decision to go ahead with the plan or not.

Jack: Amazing. You tell us this NOW?

Dom: Shut your face, Jack. Okay, everybody got the plan? Aaaaaaaand BREAK!

Jack spots a projection...a guard. He sneaks up to him.

Jack: Okay, Jack. No need to get nervous. You've done this plenty of times before. (tries to sleeper hold on the guard)

Guard: (turns around) Who the Hell are you?

Jack: Ok right! That wasn't me! That was my stunt double!

At the editor's desk

Editor: Jack Bauer, the toughest man alive, has a stunt double.

Me: Yep.

Editor: Jack Bauer, Violent Magazine Man of the Year, SEVEN YEARS RUNNING, has a Goddamn stunt double.

Me: Yeah, isn't that neat?

Editor: Jack Bauer, the man who has killed over 110 people over the course of almost A DECADE, has a mother f***ing stunt double. WHY AREN'T YOU COMMITTED?

Me: Because the mental hospitals refuse to admit me.

Editor: WHAT?

Me: It's only because I screw up during my admittance interviews. I choked.

Editor: YOU choked? (chokes neck) YOU CHOKED?

And one dying writer later...the story is back

Guard: What the Hell do you think you're doing?

Jack: Uhhhh...(points behind Guard) Look over there! A unicorn!

Guard: Pffftttt. (rolls eyes) Unicorns don't exist.

Jack: You're right. It's only a tree.

Guard: (gasps) A TREE! WHERE? (turns around, smashes face first into a tree, faints)

Jack: Even in my dreams, the bad guys make no sense. (looks ahead of him, sees a ski doo snowmobile) Awesome.


Jack looks at the ski-doo, dumbfounded, as it has crashed into a tree...lightly.

Jack: Oh, that's right! I can only drive cars! (vehicle explodes) Great! Now, I have to walk the rest of the way. (starts walking)

At the editor's desk

Editor: May you please tell me WHY Jack can't drive this vehicle?

Me: Well, everyone has their limits.

Editor: We're talking about a terrorist who came from Hell to take over the world through TELEVISION and the only person who can save everyone is the one who steals cars constantly only to crash them a few seconds later and the only thing he can't drive are a ski-doo.

Me: That's the jest of it.

Editor: You know. I don't know how anyone with your brain capacity can still be alive, let alone write anything.

Me: God loves me.

Editor: But He hates me.

Back to the story

Milo and Dom are walking toward the tower.

Milo: Are we there yet?

Dom: No. We are not there yet. We started walking five minutes ago. We are not there yet. You asked that question 4 minutes ago. That's what you asked me 30 seconds ago. So, 30 seconds from THEN, when you asked me, if we're there yet...my answer is STILL...NO, WE ARE NOT THERE YET!

Milo: So, when do you think we'll get there?

Dom: You know what? I fucking hate you. (sees a guard) Okay, Milo, let's be careful.

Milo: But there's one of them and two of us...(several guards appears right beside the guard) You know, I got to learn to keep my big mouth shut.

Dom: (listen closely) Looks like they were tipped off. They know there is an intruder here and they know there are more.

Milo: (coughing) You think Bill had something to do with it?

Dom: No, Bill wouldn't do anything that stupid. It's definitely Jack. (an explosion is heard) Oh Lord.

Jack rolls on the snow, putting himself out, when the flames go to his chest.

Jack: (stands up) I drove for several minutes on another ski-doo without bumping into anything. All of a sudden, it explodes. I guess it had something to do with that smell of gasoline and the fact that for ONCE, I smoked a cigarette. (breaks the 4th wall) Smoking's bad, m'kay? (looks ahead of him) Huh, I'm at the tower already. (opens backpack) Let' set up the explosives. We wouldn't want things to (puts on sunglasses) to get blown out of proportion. (screams) YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAHHHHH! (plays air guitar) DUN DUUUUUUUUN!

Milo: (hacking like mad) Jack is going to blow our cover. What do we do, Dom?

Dom: (pulls out gun) Change the plan. (shoots several guards to death)

Milo: How are we going to get out of this one? (surviving guards turn around, pull out guns) I can't take another gunshot.

Dom: (gets up) Wait here. (runs to a guard, starts punching him)

Guard #1: Should we shoot this guy while he's punching our own?

Guard #2: Nah. I want to see how this goes.

Guard #3: Uhhh, the intruder has the guy's blood on his fist.

Guard #2: So, he was a douche.

Dom: (gets up, sees a ski-doo) Idea.

Milo: (gets on ski-doo) COWABUNGA DUDE! (rides the ski-doo around the guards) Come on, try to shoot me!

Guard #1: (tries shooting but shoots Guard #2)

Guard #2: AAAAAAAHHHHH! (falls while shooting gun...fatally wounding Guard #3)

Guard #1: (looks at the bodies of his co-workers) Oh God. I'm not cleaning up this mess. (fires gun into mouth, bleeds out of death)

At the editor's desk

Editor: How is suicide funny?

Me: Who cares? These are fictional characters.

Editor: (hears door knock) Come in.

Three women come in, crying.

Woman #1: Excuse us. Have you seen our husbands?

Editor: Why are you asking us? We don't know who you're talking about.

Woman #2: They were guards at a snowy fortress.

Me: Sorry. We have no clue who you're talking about.

Woman #3: We haven't heard from them in months. We're really starting to worry.

Editor: Then why don't you call their boss? Why the Hell are you here?

Woman #2: I guess you're right. Thanks for your...(gets shot to death)

Me: (holding shotgun) AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH! (shoots remaining women to death) There. They're dead now.

Editor: Great. Now, there are bloodstains on the carpet. I just bought it recently.

Me: Sir, you have no carpets on the floor, this is hardwood. (pulls women into room, closes door)

Editor: Whatever. What are we going to do with the body?

Me: We'll need sulfuric acid, some shovels, garbage bags and a chainsaw.

Editor: Why does it sound like you've done this before?

Me: (looks around) How's your brother?

Editor: Come to think of it...I haven't seen him in several months. Which is interesting because he lives with me.

Me: Indeed.

Editor: Say, the guards were in the dream...so, why do those women exist?

Me: (looks around, confused) I...I...don't know!

Back to the story


Chloe is walking around the hotel room floor.

Chloe: I can't believe they left me here to die. (sees elevator open, a projection comes out) Great. And I have no fighting skills. (walks away, projection flows her) But, wait. This is a dream. MY dream. Anything I think up can come true. (turns a corner, projection follows)

At the editor's desk

Editor: Is that possible?

Me: Just go with it. It'll be over soon.

Back to the story


Projection...well, Guard: Your dated technique is impressive but it's no match for me! (punches Chloe in face)

Chloe: (nose bleeding, shocked) You punched me!

Guard: Well...yeah. I'm not going to do some stupid dance off!

Chloe: (slaps Guard) COME ON, YOU BASTARD!

Guard punches Chloe in the face, Chloe karate chops his neck. He kicks her into the wall and goes up to her. Chloe strangles him.


Morris looks at the car with the burnt engine with fending the projections off with...a fire extinguisher.

Morris: (sprays it at projections) Stay back! You fiends! (looks back at car) Got to find out what wrong with it. (looks at engine, which is officially dead) Maybe it's the tires. (finds jack at the back of car, jacks up back end of car) Come on, come on! Hurry up! (jacks car too far up) HIGHER, DAMN YOU, HIGHER! (kicks car hard, flips over)


Chloe and Guard are still fighting but they are flying across the wall and end up on the ceiling, fighting.

Chloe: (thinks) Damn it, Morris.


Milo: (falls, hacking blood) The wounds weren't THIS severe in the last dream.

Dom: That's because the dreams are getting tougher. Also, we've been here longer than the last dream.

Milo: No, we haven't...around this time last time, I was ONLY coughing. Now I'm hacking blood like Family Guy hacks jokes from The Simpsons.

Dom: (picks Milo up) Come on, we can do this. The tower is only a few feet away.

Jack: (setting up explosives around tower, with singing) Making Dom happy, making Dom happy. Doin' his chores, doin' his chores. (puts an explosive on a window) Putting bombs on window, putting bombs on a window.


Chloe and Guard are still fighting and floating around the floor, violently.

Chloe: Wait. What the Hell am I doing? (pulls out gun, shoots Guard to death) Why didn't I do this MINUTES ago? (falls to orbit)


Morris settles the car down, which is shaken and battered but safe. Morris hears the projections trying to break in.

Morris: Oh God. Oh Man. (starts spinning but stops, throws up, breaks 4th wall) Alcohol is bad, m'kay? (takes out headphones, turns on music, puts them on Chloe)


Chloe is walking around the floor when she hears music...Seven Days by Barney The Dinosaur.

Chloe: (looks at watch) No, it's too soon. (goes to room, grabs headphones, puts it on Jack)


Morris: (walks around, nervous) There has to be a way out of here. (looks behind him and sees a huge window) Well, that something new. (looks through window and sees a huge lake) Perfect. (pulls out machine gun, shoots out glass through windows) Wait. (sees a hatch, opens it, window opens completely) Maybe I should use that brain Chloe was talking about. (pushes car toward window as the projections start to come in) I HAVE THE POWEEEEEERRRRRR! (pushes car out window, jumps in driver's seat and closes door...everything is in slow motion)


Chloe: (runs across the floor...suddenly flies up) Oh great. Morris made the universe divide by zero again.


Dom carries a weak Milo to the tower when he feels a rumble.

Dom: (pulls out walkie talkie) Jack, do you feel...wait, I didn't give Jack a walkie talkie. Come on, Milo, we have to go fast.

Jack is putting the last explosion on when he hears music...Banana Phone.

Jack: God damn it, Chloe. You know how much I hate this song. (sees two figures coming toward him)

Dom sees a figure waving to him. Jack. He motions Jack to come down to him.

Dom: Jack, time is running out. We have to go NOW before Milo dies.

Jack: You know, we can just take our time.

Dom: Where's Bill and Cheney?

Jack: I don't know. We have to move fast.

Dom: What about the guards?

Jack: I took care of all of them.


Jack is surrounded by 17 guards about to kill him.

Jack: Before you kill me, answer me this. What is so hot, it's cool, so cool, it's hot, and is the ow in the word now?

Guards look at each other, pondering over the question. Some sit down to take it all in. Jack slowly walks away from them.


Dom, Jack and a dying Milo head into a secret part of the tower.

Jack: If I distracted all the guards, why are we still sneaking in?

Dom: We can't take that risk. Besides, didn't you feel that shake?

Jack: Yeah.

Dom: The kicks are about to start. When that happens, the projections turn into the most evil kinds of projections...Internet Trolls.


Dom: Let's go, go, go!


Chloe is floating on her way to the hotel room when she sees another projection, who pulls out a gun.

Chloe: Before you shoot, riddle me this. What came first? The chicken or the egg?

Projection: Well, the egg came from the chicken. But the chicken came from the egg. Without the egg, there's no chicken. But the egg comes from the chick- (blows up)

Chloe: Paradox.

At the editor's desk

Editor: I don't think it's called a paradox.

Me: Shut the f*** up and keep reading.

Back to the story

Chloe floats into the room, where the guys are floating as well.

Chloe: Great. I can't blow up the room. It's not going to do much good. (hears a ding in her head) The elevator! (sees a LONG black rope on chair) How convenient.


Dom, Jack and Milo make it into the tower.

Jack: We made it. But where's Bill and Cheney? (looks through a window) There they...uh oh. We got company.

Dom: Projections chasing them?

Jack: No. The projections are on the way here.


Troll #1: Why is this chapter so long?

Troll #2: This chapter isn't funny?

Troll #3: I don't like not funny!

Troll #4: Why did he take this long to do this chapter?

Troll #5: I'm going to stop following him if he does something like this again!

Troll #6: It was better when the chapter were 19 pages long!

Troll #7: I'm going to stop following him on twitter!

Troll #8: I've already stopped! This guy sucks!


Jack: (hears a noise, looks behind him) Oh thank God!

Dom: (lies Milo against a wall) Bill! Cheney! There you are! We have to get Cheney in that room! (points to a big mechanical room)

Bill: Yeah, good idea! But first...(pulls out gun, shoots Milo in stomach)

Jack: BILL! WHAT THE HELL? (pulls out gun at Bill) I WAS SUPPOSED TO DO THAT!

Milo: Not...urk...again. (dies)

Dom: (goes to Milo) Bill, why did you do that for?

Bill: God...will you please STOP calling me Bill? (changes form)

Dom: Oh my God.

Mallorie Cobb: Miss me, Dom?

Jack: How does she know you? Wait! Don't tell me. (goes to a blackboard, that appeared out of nowhere, and does an extremely complicated math problem) Carry the x and replace it with the y. GASP! You mean...she's your...?

Dom: That's right.

Jack: She's your cousin's sister's father's mother's friend's brother-in-law's sister's mother's mother's father's cousin's son's daughter' sister's enemy's brother-in-law's cousin seven times removed?

Dom: WHAT? NO! We were married!

Jack: OOOOOOH! Yeah, that should made sense when I read her last name in the script.

Mallorie: Well, looks like we meet again.

Jack: Dom, what the Hell is she doing here?

Dom: She's my projection.

Jack: And she disguised herself as a person you barely know and she doesn't know at all?

Dom: She's everybody's projection.

Mallorie: That's right. I had to stop your plan before you ruin everything.

Jack: Wait...if we were married, why does she want to stop the mission?

Dom: Again, Jack, it's my projection, it's not really her.

Jack: (turns around) Oh God. The projections are coming. I got to block the entrances. Tell me everything while I do everything. (looks around for things to block)

Mal: He killed me.

Jack: Interesting. (breaks 4th wall) We'll need a flashback for this.


Dom: (Voice Over) My wife and I were in a dream together and we were there until we were old age. Then, we went back but something was wrong with Mal. She was a little off when she went into the real world...she thought she was in the real world. So, one night, we spent the night at a hotel.

Jack: (VO) Wait a minute. You guys have a house, yet, you spend a night at a hotel? Couldn't you just have the HOUSE to yourselves?

Dom: (VO) We have kids.

Jack: (VO) Why didn't you just let someone take care of your kids at someone else's house.

Dom: (VO) Because shut the f*** up, that's why. Anyways, I bought some flowers from a store and went in the room we were staying in when I noticed there was a mess.

Jack: (VO) What kind of mess? Young Johnny Depp hotel mess or Keith Moon hotel mess?

Dom: (VO) Neither. Just a broken lamp, a broken mirror and blood on the walls. The usual. Then, it happened...

Dom sees his wife outside...across the street...in another hotel room...outside the window.

Dom: Mal, what are you doing?

Mal: I can't be lied to anymore! I know this isn't the real world!

Dom: There's no cameras anywhere! Besides, do you see any roommates that increasingly piss you off every day?

Mal: I meant I know this is still a dream! And I want you to come out of the dream with me.

Dom: Mal, listen! This isn't a dream!

Mal: Okay, then. If this isn't a dream, how did I get into another hotel room, conveniently across from yours?

Dom: I...don't...hold on a second...(looks through script) Nooo, I don't think the script explains that.

Mal: (looks over script) Huh, what do you know. Well, no matter, we have to jump off the rooms to get out of the dream.

Dom: Don't jump! This isn't a dream!

Mal: If you don't jump, it'll explain everything to the cops.

Dom: The cops? Why would you bring the cops into this?

Judge Dredd: (out of nowhere) Because you betrayed the law!


Mal: I made sure that it seems like you murdered me!

Dom: But people saw me come here just now! They won't...

Mal: They will! And all those psychiatric tests I got? I faked it! I pretended to be normal! Now, the kids will be gone and everything will be up s*** creek for you! This is all your fault!

Dom: What? HOW?

Mal: You planted the idea in my mind! Now, it's time to plant one in yours! (jumps)

Dom: QUICK! WHAT WAS THE IDEA? MAL? (hears a splat) I'm sure she's fine.


Dom: But she wasn't fine. She was dead. And Mal left behind several clues that she would have me be accused of murder.

Jack: For what? Because you planted an idea in her head?

Dom: The idea was that the world we were in wasn't real but when she returned to the real world, she still thought dying would wake her.

Jack: So, in a way, you DID kill her.

Dom: So, what I told you was true...in a certain point of view.

Jack: So, she's here to try to stop the mission AND kill you.

Mal: Kill him? No. (shoots Dom in shoulder)

Dom: Cheney! Come on, you have to finish this before she kills you.

Cheney: She can't kill me...and stop calling me Cheney.

Jack: Wait, what? Why?

Cheney: Because I am not who you think I am. I'm working for the projection of Mal here and for the evil forces in the real world. (begins to shape shift)

Dom: Are you telling us that ALL this was a trap to get us to this point?

Mal: That's right. You won't survive long enough to get out of this dream. And it's ALL thanks to one person. (points to a no longer Cheney, finished shape shifting)

Jack: Oh my God. Oh my f***ing God.

Terri Bauer: (pulls out gun to Jack) Hello, sweetie.

At the editor's desk

Editor: (shocked, throws script on desk) Oh my God.

Me: Yeah. (laughs) Nice, isn't it?

Editor: But...it's...what the f***?

Me: Yeah, I thought of that twist since chapter 4.

Editor: I don't know whether to strangle you or kill you...or both. I don't know if this is really smart or really stupid.

Me: See, I'm not as dumb as you think.

Editor: No. I still think you're the biggest idiot in the world but that twist...this...whoa, what the f***ing Hell? TERRI BAUER IS THE VILLIAN IN THE WHOLE F***ING SERIES?

Bison: (turns around) Of course!

Me: (looks at Bison) Sorry, we've overused that joke. Please leave.

Bison: (walks away, sad...How Could This Happen To Me is playing in his head, closes door)

Me: Yeah, that joke has been overused too!

Editor: (gasping) I...don't...think...(vomits on desk...for 24 long seconds, gasps) AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH! (gasps) AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH! (calms down) No. No. No.

Me: Please finish the damn story. You're almost finished

Editor: I will never be finished.

A ghost appears beside Editor.

Obi-Wan: Stop stealing my joke.

Me: Where the f*** were you? You were late for that joke!

Obi-Wan: I was training...

Me: Training? You're dead, your best friend betrayed you and you got HIS son to fight him! So, training for WHAT exactly?

Obi-Wan: For your death. (disappears)

Editor: Well, as long as you're going to die...(picks up script) I'll read more.

Back to the story

Jack: Honey! Hi! What's up? Ummmm, why did you do all this?

Terri: Why? WHY? Because you got me KILLED, you f***ing idiot!

Jack: Oh, come on! I'm Jack Bauer, you should know this ever since we got married. I'm the most dangerous man alive! No one is safe!

Terri: So, how come our daughter is safe!

Jack: Oh yeah...didn't hire Saddam and he made her watch the worst movie...

Terri: Where were you the night I was killed?

Jack: I was going to you! I ran like Hell to get to you!


Jack: (running down street) I'm coming for you, honey. I'm coming for you, honey. I'm...(stops and goes backwards to see a huge poster) Harrison Ford? The toughest man in the world? (pulls out gun) Hold on, honey. I have to make a pit stop first.



Jack: Well, it was all in manliness.


Jack: You can't kill me! I'm Jack Bau...(gets shot) Oh GOD! I've been wounded! (falls to ground when there is an earthquake)

Dom: (takes out dream thing) Jack! The dream is collapsing! (puts needle in own arm) I have to go get Milo from Limbo!

Mal: (goes to Dom, aims gun) Oh no, you won't.

Jack: Not today, pretty lady. (shoots Mal)

Mal: (falls down) I'll see you in Limbo. (dies)

Jack: Dom! If you bring Milo back, won't he still have his wounds from before?

Dom: Shut up and press the button!

Jack: Don't let me deal with my wife!

Dom: I know that your wife was a good person before she died!

Jack: No, she wasn't! She was always a rotten bitch! She tried to kill me in my sleep, she gave any nuclear secrets to Canada but, worst of all, she hid the remote...SHE HID THE REOMOTE, DAMMIT!

Dom: I'm sorry but...


Terri: Jack! You killed me!

Jack: I don't care! I could give two s***ts about you!

Terri: Then, why did we get married?

Jack: Because the writer of this story didn't give us a reason!

Terri: Why did we stay together than?

Jack: So, we could protect our daughter...who was frequently kidnapped, so we probably didn't do much of a good job.


Jack: And whose fault was that?

Terri: AAAAAAHHHHHHH! (pulls gun on Jack)


Chloe is holding the bombs in one hand and is pushing, while floating, the tied together Jack, Milo, Bill and Cheney to the elevator.

Chloe: Damn it, Morris. Turn off the damn song! It's going to be stuck in my head forever! (pushes bodies into elevator) Just a few more minutes...(song changes in her head) OH COOL! THE FINAL COUNTDOWN!


Dom: (walks in his apartment...which is his actual house in the real world) MAL! I know you're in here! I KNOW Jack shot you! No one could stand you for 2 seconds without shooting you!

Mal: (appears beside him) Hi!

Dom: Where's Milo?

Mal: I'm not telling you.

Dom: Why not? Is it because I slept with one of your sisters?

Mal: (shocked) I was an only child!

Dom: Huh...then who did I sleep with?

Mal: YOU CHEATED ON ME! (pulls out gun)

Dom: I don't know what's going to happen to me if you shoot me but PLEASE tell me where Milo is!

Mal: Fine, I'll tell you. You have to do ONE thing.

Dom: What?

Mal: You have to swear to stay with me right here.

Dom: (thinks for a minute) Okay.

Mal: He's outside on the balcony.

Dom: (goes to balcony and sees Milo) There you are!

Milo: Thank God you're here! She was going to make me listen to Shaquille O'Neal rap for a WHOLE ENTIRE ALBUM!

Dom: See you later! (pushes Milo off balcony)

Milo: YOU'VE KILLED MEEEEEEE! (hits ground)


Milo: (gets up) OH MY GOD! I'm alive!

Jack: (looks at Milo) AAAAAAHHHHHH! ZOMBIE! (shoots Milo to death)


Mal: Now, we can be together forever.

Dom: F*** you, you b**ch!

Mal: (angry) What?

Dom: I said f*** you, you b*tch...I mean, b**ch! I'm not staying here with you!

Mal: But you promised...

Dom: No, I said I SWORE, not promised! And I swore by saying f*** you, you b**ch! (hears a loud thud beside him) Milo?

Milo: Yeah. Jack shot me.

Mal: (points gun to Milo) And I will also.

Milo: (pushes Dom to her) Take him first! (jumps out of balcony)

Dom: (goes to balcony) I'll kill you!

Mal: (crying) Dom!

Dom: (goes to Mal) I'm sorry. You're not the woman I fell in love with. I love the wife before I planted the idea in her head...that makes me a bad husband. (kisses her) I love you.

Mal: I guess this is goodbye.

Dom: It's not goodbye. (goes to balcony) It's ciao. (jumps out of balcony)


Dom: (wakes up) JACK! MILO! WHERE ARE YOU?

Jack: Over here! I'm still pondering whether or not I kill my wife!

Milo: Hurry up with the decision! The dream is collapsing! (looks at Jack's pocket) Ooooh! A detonator! I wonder what it does!

Jack: Milo! Don't touch that! It's going to blow up the whole building!

Milo: (pushes button) Ooooh! It's an alarm clock! It's counting down from 30!


Terri: Come on, Jack. You and me both know that you don't have the balls to kill me!

Dom: HE doesn't. (shoots Terri in the face, killing her)


Dom: She is the reason why this goddamn story happened! I HAD to kill her!

Jack: But I loved her!

Dom: But she was a Hell spawning rampaging maniac!

Jack: But she was MY Hell spawning rampaging maniac! She's probably in Limbo right now! (puts gun to his head) I can have ALL the angry sex I want in Limbo and she can't get pregnant.

Dom: (slaps gun out Jack's hand) You are not going to die!

Milo: THREE...TWO...ONE!

The building starts to fall apart.


Chloe closes her eyes as she detonates the bombs in the elevator. It goes downwards, quickly.


Jack, Milo and Dom are being surrounded by wreckage.

Jack and Dom: MILO, YOU SON OF A...(gets killed in rubble)

Milo: Hooray! I win! (gets killed in explosion)


Jack, Dom and Milo all wake up.

Milo: (looks at Chloe) Oh hey, Chloe! What's u...(elevator crashes, killing everyone)


Morris and the car hit the water. Jack, Dom, Chloe and Milo wake up a second later.

Morris: Gulp! GULP! GULP! (points up)

Milo: Gulp! Gulp! GUUUUUUUULP! (takes off seat belt, swims upward with Morris)

Chloe: (takes off seat belt of Cheney)

Jack: (taps Chloe's shoulder, shakes his head, takes her hand and both swim upwards along with Dom)


Chloe: So...Bill was actually Dom's dead wife trying to stop the plan and trap us here?

Jack: That's right!

Chloe: How would she do that if Dom escaped from Limbo so easily?

Dom: Because she doesn't think her plans through.

Morris: And Cheney, from this dream AND the real world, was actually Jack's dead wife, Terri?

Milo: Yeah.

Morris: I don't know if it's just me...but this story is REALLY f***ed up.

Jack: So...how do we get out of this dre...


7:56 am

Everybody, except Cheney, wakes up.

Jack: Wow. What a dream.

Milo: Or was it? (tension music begins) Naaaaaaah!

Dom: Thank you all for aiding me during this mission. I must be off.

Chloe: Where are you going?

Dom: To my children. Since this mission has succeeded, I can see them again. You guys are living proof that the mission was a success and the fact that there is a dead Cheney on the floor proves it even more.

Morris: Will we see you again?

Dom: Hopefully. (walks away) I'll be seeing you. (exits the building)

Jack: Well, I guess that's the end of the story.

Chloe: About f***ing time.

Milo: Wait a minute! We STILL don't know who stole Logan's cookies!

Morris: Oh my God! I completely forgot about that! And we're running out of time!

Jack: I know what we can do! A sing-a-long!

Chloe: Oh Lord.

Goofy music plays while the gang looks around. Suddenly, everyone turns on Jack.

All: Jack took the cookies from the cookie jar!

Jack: Who me?

All: Yes, you!

Jack: Couldn't be!

All: Then who?

The gang looks around again.

All: Chloe took the cookies from the cookie jar!

Chloe: F*** off!

All: It was you!

Chloe: Shut the f*** up!

All: Then who?

The gang looks around again.

All: Morris took the cookies from the cookie jar!

Morris: Who me?

All: Yes you!

Morris: Couldn't be?

All: Then who?

The gang looks around...oh you know the rest.

All: Milo took the cookies from the cookie jar!


Everyone stares at him.

Jack: Ooooookay. Moving on.

The gang looks around as the music begins to wind down.

All: Then who?

Suddenly, a green figure comes in.

Chloe: What the flying f***?

Baby Bop: Hi, everybody!

Milo: What the Hell is someone from BARNEY doing here?

Baby Bop: Oh nothing. I just wanted to swing by!

Morris: What are you holding in your hands?

Baby Bop: (shows them) A cookie jar. (looks at it closely) I don't know what a Logan is.

Jack: Are you telling me that everything that happened AFTER we forgot about the cookie jar thing had NOTHING to do with the cookie jar thing?

Chloe: (angry) Yeah. Baby Bop GOT PEOPLE KILLED!

Milo: Let's kill her! (him and everyone else pulls out their guns)

Baby Bop: Awwww, I love you too. (gets shot 36 times) I...found it under...a...desk...(dies)

Morris: A desk?

Milo: Here?

Chloe: Whose?

Jack: Oh right! (slaps forehead) I was taking care of Logan's cookies since he was busy and he wanted me to keep them for safe keeping! I totally forgot about that! (everyone stares at him) What?






At the editor's desk

Editor: (closes script) Holy Hell! That was exhausting.

Me: I'm glad you enjoyed it.

Editor: I didn't enjoy it at all.

Me: But we had some fun along the way.

Editor: Yeah...I guess you're ri...(door is kicked down) What the...

Snheetah: (holding machine gun) There you are! I've been looking all over for you! Why didn't I come sooner? Because you didn't write me in!

Me: But what do you want?

Snheetah: I killed your fans of your stories and I'm the only one...and you're next!

Me: But why?

Snheetah: I saw your final chapter...which was awesome but it was too short!

Me: But the real one is up right now.

Snheetah: What?

Me: Yeah! I put it online a while ago. It's the longest chapter I've ever written for this story...actually, ANY story!

Snheetah: Oh. (drops gun) Well, sorry about all the killings.

Me: Tell you what. I'll try to write you in another one of my stories since you followed ALL the way through!

Snheetah: Great! I've already been writing a parody of 24 just like you! Hope you read it! Bye! (walks out of room)

Editor: Are you really going to put her in one of her stories.

Me: I don't know. This story was so exhausting to write I might take a year off and forget about it.

Editor: Well, anyways, while you were talking to your fan girl, I emailed the WHOLE story to the executives at Fox.

Me: (shocked) YOU WHAT?

The door is smashed into bits by one big man...the President of Fox.

President: WHO WROTE THIS?

Me: (timid) I did.


Editor: I tried to kill him, Mr. President, but he keeps coming back to life!

President: I wasn't going to kill him, I was going to ask if we could use his script for the show!

Editor: WHAT?

Me: (smiling) Sure, you can!

President: I only had to read 2 pages of your story and I knew it was going to be a monster hit!

Editor: (whispers) You should've read the rest of it!

Me: If you wanted to sign me on, why did you destroy the door?

President: Because Family Guy is going to be renewed for another season...idiots.

Me: Don't you have the power to cancel it?

President: Not if people are watching it.

Me: Well, let's celebrate this victory but PARTYING! (looks at Editor) COME ON, SIR! LET'S CELEBRATE!

Editor: (gets up) If it's for celebrating being an idiot, I might as well start back my alcoholism!

Me: That's the spirit! (goes outside with President) HEY EVERYBODY! LET'S PARTY LIKE IT 1999! DRUNK WHITE WOMEN FOR EVERYBODY! (applause is going around)

Editor: (gets out of room when he spots something) Huh, what's this. (picks up) It's a script. (reads title) 24 by Snheetah. (goes back to desk, starts reading) I'll read one chapter. Then I'll go to the party. It better be better than what that idiot showed me for a year.






A man with glasses, sitting at his desk, talking to a camera, takes a breath of relief.

Nostalgia Critic: So, that was the 24 parody AND IT SUCKS! The plot is all over the map, the characters are idiots, EVERYONE AND EVERYTHING IS ABSOLUTELY INSANE! IT'S ALL JUST S***! IT'S ALL S***! ONE BIG PILE OF BUG S***! F*** THIS MOVIE! F*** THIS MOVIIIIIIIE FOREVER! I'm the Nostalgia Critic, I remember it so YOU don't have to. (gets up and walks away) I MEAN, JESUS!

Snheetah Fan Fiction page: u/2270533/snheetah

Harrison Laine's YouTube movie review page: user/HarrisonLaine12?feature=mhum (I'll put the facebook and twitter page in a few months)

My Fanfiction page: u/2050943/marcen12

Thank you for reading this exhausting story. I hope you like it. Take care! Love each other, get through everything! Every day is a struggle. Just know that you have people that will get you through it. Love one another, love yourselves and the world will be Heaven before we get there!