Author's Note:

Due to the lack of brain waves circulating in my head, I am now on the verge of thinking that FF hates me sooo much that its shortening the life span of my ever non-existent brain cells when I'm hungry.

I wish I can say that this is just in passing, but no, its not and I don't know when it'll get off my back and leave me in peace.

So, I hope you enjoy this weird thing of mind that just enveloped me while I washed the dishes and clothes.




The Love that I Lost


maybe someday, I'll get to see your smile

maybe someday, I'll get to be the one who'll make you smile.

But I'm sorry if its not today,

nor tomorrow.

Maybe in our next lifetime,

I'll finally spend more time with you.




"Kaho, darling.." a middle-aged woman softly whispered as she stroked a girl with similar flaming red hair lying in a hospital bed.

"Kaho, please wake up.." tears started forming at the edge of her eyes, gently rolling down her pale cheeks as she watched her daughter in her deep slumber.

As she stared long and hard at Kahoko, a surge of uncontrollable tears filled her eyes, making her break down.

"Mom..." a warm hand held the woman in her arms, worry heard in his voice.

"Go home for now. You need to rest..." a comforting smile was bestowed to her as she wiped away her tears.

"No, I can take care of her. You go on home. You still have classes for tomorrow." shaking her head, she held on tightly to Kahoko's limp hands.

"Mom.." this time, he spoke it with determination, "'ve been here since this morning. You need some sleep. Overtaxing yourself won't make her happy when she finds out.."

Sighing in defeat, Kahoko's mother looked once more at her unconscious daughter.

"You're right.. I'll be back tomorrow. I'll bring some food.." and with that, she let go of Kahoko's hands and carried her bag.

"Take care of her.." she spoke for the last time as she left.



"Kahoko.." Len felt the name constrict her lungs, taking the little breath he has and suffocating him with immense pain.

He had never dared to say her name out loud like this before. He was afraid of the misunderstanding it would cost him if anyone they knew would hear it from his lips. But right now, he didn't care.

He couldn't care any less.

As he looked beyond the graying sky in that cold day, he felt all the unhappiness in the world giving out a throaty laughter. Mocking him with its triumphant win against him.

But it was nothing worth laughing about.

He wanted to just ignore the many things he's said and done. His behavior. Everything about him.

But he can't.

The coldness in his heart was being swept away just by the mere thought of her name.

The name he had always longed for since they first met in high school.

She was the ray of sunshine in his bleak life. She was the wonderful dawn in the cold and disturbing nights.

And now?

He felt the hard box in his coat pocket and took it out.

And as he opened it, the happiness he felt when he bought the expensive item left him.

He now felt deserted, empty, void of any emotion that he had once felt before that brutal and uncaring morning.

He ran his hands over the smooth silver necklace, the small diamonds twinkling up at him happily, making a small 3-leafed flower. He let his fingers feel the cold silver necklace twist around at the very end of and drop off as it formed flowers once more at the very tips.

He saw the expensive item as he walked through the many shops in Venice, hoping to get some last minute shopping done before he heads off to Okinawa and join the rest of his friends in their annual Christmas party in Seiso Gakuen, the party Kahoko first started, which might now be the very last.

Cursing himself at the thought of it, Len closed the box and returned it to his pocket, looking once more with unseeing eyes at the growing darkness beyond his old room.

Making a last minute decision, Len took one of his winter jackets, slung it over his shoulder and left the house.


Walking along the busy streets of Okinawa, Len found solace at the busy humming of the hospital.

Shaking off the snowflakes that clung to his cerulean hair, he traced his steps back to the room he last visited.

As he neared the room, he slowed in steps and faltered.

Through the glass windows, he can see the same scarlet hair sitting by the bedside. Shivering with sudden coldness he felt, Len watched as the man inside flex and stand up.

Pressing his body against the wall, he gave an involuntary shiver as the man caught sight of him.

"Yo, Tsukimori.." the man called out at the hesitant Len.

"Hello.." Len didn't want to appear as a snob, but as he greeted the older man, he felt the icy note of his voice return.

"Come to see her?" Kiyo asked, looking at the still unconscious figure inside the room, lying in the white bed.

"I-I'm not sure.." Len shook his head.

"I'm going to stretch my legs for a while. Take care of her." and with that few words, Kahoko's older brother patted him on the back and left him.

Sighing in defeat, Len entered the room, aware of his emotions running wildly.

And as he neared her bed, Len felt frozen with pain and sadness.

Most of all...



"Kaho.." Len sat down after what seemed like 30 minutes of pacing up and down the stark white room.

He looked at the familiar face that gave him inspiration in those cold 3 years of studying in Vienna. The face that he longed to touch and melt into one with.

As he caressed her pale white cheeks, cold reached his fingers as one of the many tubes connecting to Kahoko's body brushed him.

And all of a sudden, tears started dropping, blurring his sight of the beautiful female in front of him.

"Kahoko... Why? Why you? A lot of people would be better off! But not you! Never you! Why? Why did it have to happen just when everything was supposed to be happy? Why?" he felt himself lose all of his control, his cold facade dropping like a bomb in front of the emptied vessel of a body.

"Kahoko.. Can you hear me? Look, I even brought you a beautiful necklace! I wanted to give it to you! I wanted to tell you how much I care for you, how much I dreamt of your smiling face every night! Look, I wanted to confess to you how much I love you! How much I wanted to tell you I loved you since the first day I saw you! Come on now! Wake up!"

He watched for some signs of movements, or maybe even response, but all he got was the beeping noise of the machines pumping life to Kahoko.

"Didn't I tell you to wait for me? I told you didn't I? I wanted everything to be perfect! Please wake up! Wake up for me! Please!" Len begged repeatedly as he held on to Kahoko's hands.

"I love you Kahoko. I love you so much! I want you to be a part of my life! I want you to be the one wearing that wonderful white dress, walking down the aisle filled with roses and smiling with the sun in your eyes! Kahoko!"

Once more, silence answered Len's confession of love, making his heart break into pieces.

"Kahoko! Won't you please answer me? Kahoko! I- I don't want you to leave me behind! Please! Please stay with me! I love you!"

As he felt that last tear falling down his cold cheeks, Len knew.

Standing up, he knelt down to Kahoko's face and whispered the words he knew would never get lost in everything.

And with that, he left the room.


to be continued.