The Domesticity of the Modern Vampire

Rating: PG-13
Pairing: Spike/Xander
Warnings: M/M relationship,
Summary: When Xander comes home the dishes are done, the floor is vacuumed, dinner is cooking, the laundry is done, and Spike has no clue how it all happened. Anya thinks it is…evil bunnies!
Disclaimer: Quick disclaimer, I don't own Good Eats or anything related to it.

The Domesticity of the Modern Vampire

"So you have no idea how the dishes got washed huh?" Xander asked skeptically as he watched Spike lounge back on the couch watching a footie match, bottle of stout in hand.

Spike waited until a time-out to look up at Xander, "No clue luv, none a'tol, really. Just popped in to get me a bit of stout when I noticed the sink was empty! Like magic!" Spike embellished the last word as if it were real magic.

Xander could almost buy that, this being the hellmouth after all. "Uh huh, and what about the empty hamper in the bathroom? I don't suppose someone broke in while you were watching your TV and stole all our dirty clothes?"

"Now that is a bit of a mystery, that is. Nipped in to slip into sommat more comfortable, me, when I noticed the hamper open an empty. So right I think someone nicked off wiv all our clothes but when I opened the closet there they all were! Somehow they must've cleaned themselves, folded an hung themselves, an poof there they were." Spike explained, taking a sip of his beer.

"And I suppose it was the vacuum creatures from planet 9 came in and cleaned all our floors." Xander dropped his tool belt by the door and kicked off his muddy boots, he really didn't want to track into the house anything especially after all the hard work that had been put into cleaning it.

Spike nodded, "must have been, luv. Real nasty creatures, that."

Xander nodded as if all that seemed acceptable. He walked into the kitchen, even the kitchen was spotless and lemon fresh. The same mystery every day, who was it cleaning his house for him? The obvious answer is Spike, the vampire was doing these things to make Xander happy but his reputation forced him to deny it. Xander smiled as he stood by the stove and sniffed at the delicious smells coming from the oven. He took a moment to peek inside and smiled when he saw a roast cooking away in the oven.

He could call Spike on all this, he could embarrass his lover because of it too, but he chose not to because Spike wouldn't appreciate him for it and he didn't want to hurt Spike like that. So, whatever the vampire decided to do for him it was by so magic that it happened. Xander could be satisfied in the fact he knew the truth, he knew Spike did it because he cared for Xander. "And I suppose the roast got in here, all trusted up, by itself then or was that the evil bunnies Anya's always talking about."

"Oh no I can explain that one, luv. I put that in there to cook away for you. Figure you'd be tired an it weren't that big a deal either. Sides, you know I like a bit of food now an again." Spike finished off his stout and got up, tossing the bottle in the recycle bin on his way by, and joined Xander by the oven. "Shove a cheek, pet." He gave Xander a little nudge with his hip and Xander happily stepped back in favor of watching Spike's ass shift as he bent over to baste the roast and check it for doneness.

Spike pulled the roast from the oven, kicked the door closed, and sat it on the stove before covering it with foil so it could rest. Xander eyed the vampire as he did that, those strangely were techniques Alton Brown told people to use. Could his vampire have been watching….naaaaa, he wasn't that domestic…or was he?

"Right, let that have a bit of a rest an dinner'll be ready." Spike turned to look at Xander, "Well off wiv you. You're filthy, not letting you touch my food like that, am I. Go wash." Spike pointed off in the direction of the bathroom.

Xander crowded Spike back against the counter for a moment, placing his dusty plaster-covered hands right on Spike's ass, and leaned in to suck at that little spot just under Spike's ear that he loved so much, "You are so sexy right now."

Spike tilted his head back with a soft groan, squeezing his eyes shut as Xander attacked his throat. What he wouldn't give for a flat surface just now… "Not just now, luv, m'always sexy."

Xander moved away with a smile, pressing a kiss to Spike's lips, "Yeah, your right. Well, except for now cause you've got plaster dust on your ass now." Xander snickered as he ran away before Spike could retaliate.

"I've got wot…" Spike looked behind him to see two perfect white hand prints on his ass, accentuated by the black of the denim he wore, "Why you cheeky little monkey! Now I've got to change again an that's more laundry for me-" Spike caught himself before he totally gave it away as Xander slowly peeked around the door jamb to stare at Spike, "I mean, more laundry for those little elves to wash an hang again!" Xander still stared at Spike, not completely buying that explanation, "Oh get your arse in the shower!"

Spike looked around the kitchen as the roast rested and the mashed potatoes and gravy stayed warm on the back burners, remembering what he'd gone through that morning to get everything ready.

*** After Xander left for work ***

Spike waited, listening carefully for when Xander left for work. When Xander got up he'd rolled over into the human's warm spot like always, not wanting to waste the warmth or his scent, and waited. Now, wide awake, Spike got out of the bed and began moving. First thing was first, laundry.

Spike stood back as he opened the hamper. The scent was rank to say the least, all of Xander's work clothes from the week piled up in there and it was ripe! Instead of digging the clothes out Spike just upended the whole hamper, dumping the clothes into a basket. Even then Spike really didn't want to touch them, "Xan, love your scent but sometimes it's possible to have too much of a good thing." He picked up the basket, grabbed his keys, and left the apartment to do laundry.

An hour later Spike was returning to the apartment, fresh clothes in hand. He did not like leaving their clothes down in the apartment's washer and driers, too many chances for someone to actually steal their clothes. There was a guy just down the hall that'd just moved in that eyed Xander a bit too much, Spike didn't like it. Wouldn't put it past him to steal his Xander's clothes.

Spike dumped the clothes out on the bed and went through the process of folding and hanging clothes. His clothes went on one side while Xander's went on the other. After Xander had made the funny mistake of grabbing one of Spike's shirts one morning they'd taken to keeping clothes separated to their own sides.

A half hour later the clothes were properly folded, hung, and put away. Spike put the basket back where he'd gotten it and then turned his attention to the vacuuming. Lugging out the large upright Spike fought with the cord that had tangled since the last time it was used. Finally managing to plug it in Spike began to run it over the floor. He made sure to get under the furniture and in the corners. He detached the hose to do a quick vacuumed of the window sills and along the baseboards before moving on to the next room.

By the time he'd finished the vacuuming and cleaning in each room it was 1 p.m. and Spike knew he had to start working on dinner if it was going to be finished by the time Xander got home. Going to the kitchen Spike brought the remote for the TV with him and selected a prerecorded episode of Good Eats. He pushed play and set the remote off out of the way before gathering the things he'd need, the roast and all the things he needed for it.

Spike trimmed the roast as Alton said but left enough fat to keep the roast juicy. He then opened it up with the butterfly method and put in herbs and garlic and some olive oil. After ensuring the roast was completely covered he rolled it back up and watched as Alton tied his roast. He followed the directions and when he was finished it was completely trusted up and Spike smirked, "Well, guess it ain't so hard after all yeah?" He nodded and stuck the roast in the fridge to rest a bit while he prepared the rest of the stuff he'd cook.

Potatoes were pealed and set in a pot of water and on the back burner to be started after the roast went in, the beginnings of gravy next to it on the other back burner, and Spike got out the beginnings of a batch of cookies for desert.

Spike turned on another episode of Good Eats about peanut butter cookies while he eyed the glass of beef blood that had come with the roast. He shrugged, holding it up, "waste not, yeah?" He downed it, made an ick face, and set the cup in the sink to be washed later.

Getting out Xander's stand mixer Spike began work on the peanut butter cookies. They were a lot easier than he'd thought. Before long he was rolling out little dough balls, rolling them in sugar, and placing them on the parchment lined cookie sheet. He flattened them a bit and put them into the preheated oven to bake away. "This cooking thing ain't so bad. Besides, I now know how to make me own cookies so I don't have to ask Red for any. That's right little witch, you've broken your hold over me!" Spike smirked knowing he probably sounded insane right now, talking to absolutely no one at all. He kept baking off the dough until there was no more left and he had plates full of peanut butter cookies. Deciding he'd done a lot of hard work and deserved a treat he grabbed one of the fresh cookies and bit into it.

Spike moaned in pure enjoyment, the cookie was near orgasmic. What made it so good was how fresh and gooy it was. Spike finished off the cookie, dusted his hands off, and turned to the roast he'd set in the fridge.

Taking it out, covering it in olive oil and seasoning Spike put it in the still hot oven and checked the setting before setting the egg timer. He also put the potatoes and gravy on to cook while he tossed together a salad very quickly. The salad went back into the fridge, the potatoes got mashed, the gravy was set on the back burner with the potatoes to keep warm and Spike determined he still had just enough time to get the dishes washed.

Spike was just getting the last dish put away when he heard Xander's car pull up outside. He checked out the window, seeing Xander get out of the car, and checked the time. Spike looked down at himself, realizing he was covered in flour, oil, and other things, and dashed into the bedroom to change. He tossed his dirty clothes into the hamper and slipped into a pair of black denim pants and a fleece sweater Xander had bought him last Christmas.

Spike dashed back to the kitchen, checking the food one more time, before grabbing himself a bottle of stout from the cupboard and throwing himself on the couch. He had just enough time to flip the TV from the Good Eats episode to a footie match just as Xander was walking in the door.

*** Present moment ***

Spike smiled as he sat the carved roast out on the counter along with the mash potatoes and gravy and salad. So he was domesticated, unlife wasn't so bad was it? He had love, sex, a secure lair, means to feed himself, he even had a hot shower an telly to watch. Did he really need slaughter of innocence to be happy?

Xander came out, freshly showered and in nothing but a pair of fleece pants. As Spike gazed on Xander's toned body as the boy shook his head, shaking extra water from his hair a little, and sat down Spike decided he really couldn't be happier.