Mercenaries Can Dance Too, You Know!
This is a mostly totally cracked-out one-shot, the basis of which is that my relative and good pal MechaUltimaZero gave me a challenge that went something like this:
MUZ: "Hey Gundam Kaizer, who's your favorite superheroine in Marvel Comics?"
GK: *thinking for a moment* "Ms. Marvel, certainly."
MUZ: "Ooh, that'll be interesting."
GK: "What will?"
MUZ: "Go write a fanfic with Ms. Marvel and Deadpool as the pairing. Because I'm feeling generous at the moment, I'll even give you a prompt: dancing."
I just had to do it, you see, because he later promised that he'd do the dishes and the laundry for me – both of which are normally my jobs.
And I know that Christmas has come and gone, but it was the only occasion I could think of that might actively provoke dancing, short of a night club.
Mercs CAN Dance, You Know!
The X-Men were throwing a Christmas party, and Professor Xavier had invited the Avengers to come and join in the celebrations.
Carol Danvers sighed as she watched everyone on the dance floor, wishing that she wasn't alone like she was last year. Dancing was one of Ms. Marvel's favorite hobbies, but she needed a partner, and she wasn't going to ask Nick Fury, Wolverine, or Cable. Although for Cable, it was more because she didn't know him, rather than because she knew and didn't like him, as was the case with Fury and Logan.
Suddenly, however, a red-gloved hand appeared before her and a quite rough, gravelly voice asked, "Hey there hot stuff, wanna dance?"
Looking up, almost dreading what she'd find, Ms. Marvel was incredulous to find the so-called 'Crimson Comedian' standing before her, with an eyebrow raised. "Deadpool? Who invites you to these things anyway?"
Shrugging his shoulders, Deadpool replied, "Eh, normally I just gatecrash, but this time ol' Webhead actually told me. He's a real trooper, that one. Kinda like Bruce Lee, only without the awesome martial arts moves and nunchucks."
Confused, Carol said, "That comparison makes absolutely no sense, Deadpool, especially when talking about 'troopers'."
Shrugging again, the Merc With The Mouth countered, "I know it, and you know it, but I'm just reading the cue cards. If I tried to explain it, you'd think I'm insane."
Smirking wryly a bit, Carol replied, "Deadpool, everyone already thinks you're insane… including myself, Captain America, Spider-Man, Mister Fantastic, and Professor Xavier."
Deadpool shifted his weight to his other foot and rubbed the bridge of his nose a bit, before responding, "Yeah, but Jean Grey says it's a turn-on. And when I said insane, I meant relative to what everyone's used to. And please, call me Wade."
Crossing her arms over her chest and leaning back, Carol said, "All right then… Wade, but seeming even more insane than you already are has got to be impossible. Even though you seem incredibly, if not suspiciously lucid today…"
Shrugging once more, Deadpool replied, "Yeah, well, I drank a diet Pepsi earlier, which for the purposes of this fanfic, makes me think and act in a somewhat more normal, not that it's fun. The author didn't let me know about it until just now, because if I'd known earlier, I'd've had a mug of rum instead. But back to my original question: Do. You. Want. To. Dance?"
"You mean it doesn't go without saying? Then yeah, me."
Incredulous, Carol said, "But you're a mercenary."
Feeling half-insulted, Deadpool shot back, "Mercenaries can dance too, y'know! Especially if they're half as good as I am. I can make a smooth transition from waltz to tango at the drop of a hat. I do a mean electric slide, too."
Raising an eyebrow, Ms. Marvel smirked a bit as she got up from her seat and said, "If that's so, Wade, then I'd be a fool to pass this up."
"Yes, you would."
While one part of Carol Danvers' mind was wondering what the hell she was doing, another part was thinking along the lines of 'sure, why not?'
As the disc jockey started up some classical-sounding dance music (1), the various couples on the floor began waltzing – Mr. Fantastic and the Invisible Woman, Cyclops and Jean Grey, Yellowjacket and Wasp, Daredevil and Elektra, Hawkeye and Black Widow, Storm and Black Panther, and most unusual among them, Deadpool and Ms. Marvel.
Yeah, that's right. A dancing mercenary.
Cable, who was babysitting Hope and Franklin, went slack-jawed at the sight of his vitriolic best friend dancing with a complete babe like Ms. Marvel, and didn't know whether he should be impressed, horrified, or concerned about Carol's state of mind.
Hope asked, "Cable, is something wrong?"
Snapping back to his senses, Cable replied, "I don't think so, I'm just kind of surprised that Deadpool actually convinced someone to dance with him this time."
Franklin, who hadn't met Deadpool and thus didn't know anything about him, inquired "Why is that so odd, Mister Summers?"
Feeling quite odd at being called 'Mister Summers', Cable said, "Please, kid, either Cable or Nathan. Don't call me 'Mister Summers'. It makes me feel like an old man."
Looking somewhat abashed, Franklin said, "I'm sorry, Mi- I mean Cable. But why is Deadpool dancing with Miss Danvers so strange?"
Cable now faced a serious problem: he couldn't effectively explain Deadpool's mental condition himself without introducing him to Franklin, and he wasn't sure if Susan and Reed would be okay with that. Deciding to try and explain it as best as he could to a child, Nathan replied, "Well… Deadpool isn't quite… 'all there', if you know what I mean. Do you know the saying about how some people think outside the box?"
Franklin nodded, and Hope was somewhat smiling on the inside, as she'd met Deadpool a few times and was enjoying her adopted father's attempts to explain the Scarlet Screwball's utter insanity.
Cable continued, "Well, Deadpool's the kind of guy who thinks so far outside the box, doesn't even know that the box exists in the first place. Man, explaining this is hard… Ah, here's one way of looking at it. Know how your Reed acts?"
Franklin, quite familiar with his father's mental processes, replied, "Yes. My father is scientifically curious, logical, and compassionate."
Cable replied, "Well, Deadpool is more or less the exact opposite of that."
Franklin's eyes went wide as he took a few steps back, asking, "Y-you mean he's like Doom?"
Cable was incredibly confused, but just as he caught on to what the Richards boy meant, Hope took Franklin by the hand as she comforted him, saying, "Relax, Franklin. I know Deadpool – sort of – and he isn't anything like Doctor Doom. You just misunderstood Cable, that's all! When Cable said that Deadpool was the opposite of your dad, he meant to say that Deadpool is really weird. He acts really funny and says a lot of things that don't make any sense, that's all. He's kind of a jerk now and then, but I think he means well, at least most of the time."
Franklin had visibly calmed down quite a bit, and replied, "Oh, okay then. That's a major relief."
Then, turning to the time-travelling mutant, he asked, "Hey Cable, if my mom and dad are okay with it, can you and Hope come over sometime?"
Hope, turning to her adopted father, added, "C'mon Cable, please?"
Unable to outright say "no" to such cute faces, and not certain of a reason to in the first place, Nathan answered, "I don't see why not, as long as Reed, Susan, Scott, and Jean are all okay with it."
Then, turning back to the dance floor, he was amazed to find that the entire dance floor had gotten empty except for Deadpool and Ms. Marvel, who were now dancing the tango.
However, after another second or two, Deadpool said "Hold it a second. We're superhumans! We can dance with speed and agility beyond the comprehension of mere mortals! DJ, UP THE TEMPO TO THE MAX! I DON'T CARE IF IT'S MASTER OF FRIGGIN' PUPPETS, BUT MAKE IT AS FAST AS YOU CAN!"
The disc jockey stared at Deadpool for a second, before doing as commanded and putting on the fastest dance music he could think of, a song by Since October, called 'The Way You Move'.
Cable, Captain America, the Fantastic Four, and the X-Men were absolutely stunned as Wade Wilson and Carol Danvers began whirling and twirling, dancing the tango in a blur of red, black, and blonde, moving too quickly for those without enhanced eyesight (like Spider-Man, Captain America, Cable, Beast, and Daredevil – radar sense in his case) to accurately observe the exact steps.
Carol was laughing out loud, not sure which was amazing her most – the fact that Deadpool was dancing so well, or that he was able to keep up with her enhanced speed and reflexes.
As the song came to an end, Carol was left breathless as Deadpool twirled her around one last time and then pulled her close, saying, "C'mon, hot stuff. You know you want some. Am I just plain damn good, or am I just plain damned good?"
Laughing softly, Ms. Marvel replied, "Okay, Wade, I'll admit it. You're just plain damned good."
All those in attendance erupted in thunderous applause – even Wolverine clapped out of respect, though only a twice. Carol, abruptly brought back to reality, blushed a bit as she took a modest bow, while Deadpool's was anything but.
"Thank you, thank you! I'll be somewhere or other all next week, and will be taking pretty much any and all dancing requests within reason! This has been Deadpool the dancing fool, with his lovely assistant, Ms. Marvel!"
Carol, blushing even more profusely now, said, "Wade, you're such a ham."
"But my hamminess is one of my best qualities!"
Ms. Marvel shook her head a bit, before she winked and said, "If you're up to it, I think we should do this again sometime."
Stunned, Deadpool was miraculously silent for a couple of seconds before he did a strange victory dance and exuberantly shouted, "Holy crap, she wants to dance with me again! Thank you, author! I can now forgive you for making me relatively sane!"
Then, Ms. Marvel suddenly came back and said, "Before I forget, there's a Christmas tradition I need to take care of."
Confused, Deadpool asked, "Oh? What's that?"
Smirking impishly, Carol just pointed over the mercenary's head. Glancing upward for a moment, Wade Wilson spied a piece of mistletoe, which he knew for a fact hadn't been there when the dance started.
He started to tell her as much, but was silenced when Ms. Marvel shifted his mask just enough to momentarily reveal his mouth, and then she kissed him. Eyes wide, Deadpool was to surprised he couldn't actually do anything. After about five seconds, Ms. Marvel replaced his mask, and produced a card, which she safely tucked away in the mercenary's grenade belt, and produced a smirk that Deadpool himself would envy, explaining, "My number, hot stuff. Call me sometime. You just know you want some."
With that, Ms. Marvel suddenly turned to the camera and, still in a good humor, said, "And yes, everyone, I did that while sober."
Never Underestimate the Dancing Skills of a Mercenary!
(1) Basically, insert the music in Final Fantasy VIII, when Squall danced with Rinoa in that FMV.
I've been trying to keep everyone important to this one-shot as in-character as possible, though I probably failed horribly with Ms. Marvel and Deadpool. Although it was fun writing, and that's mostly what matters. I just hope that some of you will enjoy reading it as much as I enjoyed writing it.
The segment featuring Cable, Hope, and Franklin was also fun to write.