WARNING: Crackfic! I couldn't help myself, this is something I just had to write. M rated because of sexual content. After seeing a documentary about bonobos, the guys start to question their own sexual life. Is it okay to be gay? Make dolls good sexual partners? What's a hussie and how to use it? Are the contents of Alice's handbag worth a try? There's not much romance but how experiments can and will go wrong. Pairings: Kowalski/Private, Rico/Miss Perky, Skipper/HH.


It was a boring afternoon in the HQ, one of those afternoons you would even listen to your grandma's stories about knitting or baking to occupy your time. Sadly, the penguins had no grannies, not that they knew, that is. Skipper's boys had turned into a pathetic mass of feathers, the way they all hung around lazily. Kowalski lacked inspiration for another invention, and due to Private's nagging about how he missed Cupid, he began to whine about Doris. Rico's answer was a teasingly slow display of brushing Miss Perky's hair in front of his two amigos, which made Kowalski and Private even more blue.

Skipper hated to see his men turn into some couch potatoes. Specially when they were crying over some dame they met on a mission. Frustration was a common thing in the military, love relations never lasted very long. The long terms of celibacy made the men moody. However, Skipper had serious doubts if they had ever had any sexual relation before, they seemed so green. He didn't really feel like giving them an education of that kind; but if it was necessary, he could always rely on an old friend to do that job for him. But as long as they didn't ask any questions, his lips -if he had them- were sealed.

Maybe a movie would be a good distraction. He thought a movie about modern warfare would teach them some new fighting techniques and it kept their minds away from the ladies.

"Okay boys, time for action! Operation Movie Afternoon is a go!" The eldest penguin commanded his younger companions. Kowalski peered over Doris' picture at Skipper. Though he thought Skipper's choice of films was interesting, he rather watched scientific documentaries instead. Private looked unsure from Kowalski to Skipper. A movie afternoon organised by Skipper was usually not very pleasant. The movies lacked every kind of imagination and were always extremely violent; they always left you with a knot in your stomach for days on end. Rico paused between two brush strokes as he looked up at his superior. He loved Skipper's film choice, they were usually filled with blood and gore.

"Kowalski, options!" Skipper demanded. The intelligent penguin pulled out a clipboard with Alice's time schedule to see when she was gone for her coffee break.

"It's now 1543 hours," Kowalski checked a watch, freshly regurgitated from Rico's stomach. "The coast is clear between 1600 and 1620 hours."

"So we have seventeen minutes to prepare ourselves for a visit to the zoovenir shop," Skipper answered. "Rico, arquebus!"

The mentioned penguin vomited the hook gun from the depths of his gut. He hoped he never had to witness it, but if Rico died, Kowalski hoped to perform an autopsy on the mad penguin to unravel the mysteries of his stomach. As if he had read his mind, Rico looked suspiciously at his friend while he scratched his butt. Kowalski chuckled innocently and took a step back from his deranged friend. This reminded him to investigate his brain as well, the secrets that would reveal could be worth a millions to find a cure for psychopaths. Rico grunted and turned his attention back to his superior.

"Private, you'll be a distraction for the wicked woman," the commanding penguin told his lowest ranked soldier. He watched the previously regurgitated watch to check the time. "1547 hours, let's go outside!"

Skipper peered through his binoculars to see what the strange female was doing. Alice was still hanging on her chair with her boots on her desk. She occupied the little office next to the shop. She watched the clock, a little more than ten minutes till her coffee break, she might as well pay a visit to the lavatory already. She could get a bladder infection if she waited ten more minutes, and it saved her five minutes of valuable coffee drinking time.

"She's gone. Rico, do your thing!" The deranged penguin took his hook gun and aimed at the window-sill of the office with his tongue hanging out of his beak. Bulls-eye! The four flightless birds slided the cord to get to the other side with ease. Kowalski, who was first, smacked into the wall, followed by Private who smothered him, then Rico's weight made it even worse and at last Skipper smacked into Rico's back, making Kowaslki's back and front a sea of pain. The other's landed directly on their feet but Kowalski slipped against the office wall towards the ground with a landing on his beak.

"Are you okay, Kowalski?" Private asked with empathy in his voice and eyes. He too, had a painful back though his front smack had been softened by Kowalski's back and his round tummy.

"I'm fine! Just a rough landing, nothing to worry about," Kowalski replied, making it look less worse than it was although he rubbed his painful spots with his flippers.

"A soldier feels no pain, now move!" Skipper exclaimed. His men were desperately out of shape.

They continued the mission. Skipper peered inside the office via the open window with Rico as his step-up. The woman was still in the bathroom. He motioned the others to follow him as he leaped through the window. Kowalski and Private leaped on Rico's inviting flippers to jump through the window. Rico jumped in as last without any help.

They tip-toed on the tiles with stealth, towards the shop's door. They formed a totem, Private at the bottom and Rico on top. The latter threw up a paperclip, unraveled it to a straight line and twisted it into the keyhole until he heard a satisfying click. He pushed the door handle down and the door swung open, throwing the animals into the shop.

"What the..." Alice yelled as she heard the thud when the birds fell onto the shop's floor. She sat on the toilet with her trousers down to her ankles and a magazine in her hands. "Stupid visitors, can't wait till my break's over..." She muttered as she continued reading an article about pest control.

The penguins listened carefully, but they didn't hear any movement. Private stayed to guard the door while the others entered the zoovenir shop. The three remaining birds slid on their bellies towards the video rack. They got back on their feet and watched the rather small selection of documentaries. They overlooked the penguin documentary purposefully; except for Rico, no one's stomach was strong enough to watch that.

Skipper's eyes caught a documentary about bonobos; phrases as 'near-human intelligence' and 'a unique way to resolve conflicts' seemed interesting enough for him. If they possesed the knowledge of higher mammals in battle, who knows what they're capable of doing? This ought to be a good educational tape for the boys, he thought.

"Okay guys! I got the right tape, now let's go before she's back." Skipper called Kowalski and Rico who were taking a look in the shop. Kowalski had quickly snatched some video games and batteries, things he could use for later inventions. Rico had found some new clothes for Miss Perky; among them, a red evening dress she could wear on their next date.

The three penguins slided towards the door with the things they've taken in their beaks. When they arrived at the door, Private was gone. At first they thought he got caught by Alice, but then they found him struggling with some kind of weird vibrating thing. Whatever it was, it made a hell of a noise. If they didn't get rid of it soon, Alice would discover them. It was already 1617 hours, so she would return any time now.

"Where did you get that from?" Skipper exclaimed angrily. This wasn't the time nor the place for silly games.

"It comes from Alice's handbag, it made funny noises!" Private exclaimed as he fought to control the thing. The worm-like thing shook like a mad bull, eager to throw its rider off of its back. Private tried as hard as he could to stay on top of it, but eventually he lost. The mad thing threw him in the air like a rag-doll, he smacked to the desk that stood in the middle of the room.

The plastic thing kept thrilling it's way through the office. It was 1621 hours now, she should've returned already. Lucky for them, her toilet break had lasted longer than she expected and she was not willing to give up her coffee for some stupid animals or visitors who needed her.

"Kaboom?" Rico asked and puked a piece of dynamite and a lighter. He held the lighter's flame towards the dynamite's fuse with a begging smile.

"What? No! You want to attract more attention?" Skipper cried in Rico's ear. The insane penguin looked disappointed and swallowed his tools. He would've loved to see that sucker explode into smithereens.

"Kowalski, analysis!" Skipper yelled.

"There seems to be an on and off switch on that thing, if we can capture it, we can turn it off and put it back where it came from." Kowalski said. Though he had no idea what it was despite his brilliant mind, he already had discovered it was just a piece of plastic with a strong battery causing it to vibrate whenever the switch was turned on.

"Rico, catch it!" Skipper commanded the mad penguin as if he were a dog. Rico spit up a shooting net gun and shot at the plastic worm. Even captured, it continued to move but it was easier to handle. Rico tackled it and Skipper finally switched the switch in the off position.

1632 hours, Alice's footsteps came closer towards the door that separated the hall from the office. That was the penguin's cue. There was no time to put their prisoner back in her purse, so they simply took it with them to the HQ; they would bring it back later. Kowalski could analyse that strange thing before they returned it, it seemed useful in battle.

They grabbed the other stuff they 'borrowed' from the zoovenir shop and headed straight to their habitat. This time, they didn't use the rope to slide over due to their full flippers and increased weight.

When they got back to their habitat, they quickly sprang into the hole in the rock island and covered it with the small feeding through.

"Mission accomplished, boys!" Skipper exclaimed with a flipper in the air, the other's slapped it to celebrate their success. The guys might have been out of shape and nearly blowed their cover, he was proud of them nevertheless.

Kowalski and Private carried the 'prisoner' to the former's laboratory. The video games and batteries from the shop followed.

Rico had unwrapped Miss Perky's new clothes and held them in front of her body.

"Rrrraw..." He growled with frowning eyebrows and his tongue hanging out of his beak. She looked hot in red. Stealthy he stole a kiss from her as he stroke her long blond hair affectionately. Carefully, he laid her on his bed before he departed. Before he turned away, he blew another kiss towards his sweetheart. He would miss her, but duty called.

Rico joined Kowalski and Private, who had already settled down in front of the tv with a large bucket of popcorn. Skipper inserted the video-tape in the recorder.

"Operation Educational Movie is a go!" He stated firmly as he joined his men and pushed the "play" button on the remote-control.

As the movie began, the narrator's voice spoke in an excited way.

"In this documentary, we're gonna follow a group of bonobo monkeys and see how they resolve conflicts..." The voice chirped through the penguins' ears as they saw the camera zoom in on a huge rain forest.

"This is going to be good!" Kowalski said excitedly, rubbing his flippers into each other. He was eager for knowledge and he hoped this would increase his in a positive way. He thought Skipper had made an excellent choice. Higher mammals were interesting animals to study.

"Yuck!" Rico replied, his face a mask of boredom that would soon turn into sleep if nothing exciting would happen. His head would cock backwards, drool would cover his feathers as it dripped down from his open beak and he would make a loud snoring noise as he inhaled the oxygen with funny, wheezy sounds as he exhaled. He had expected something bloody but the monkeys seemed a bit too friendly towards each other.

"I hope it's not going to be violent!" Private said, peering trough half-closed eyes and a flipper covering his face just in case.

"Silence boys! Watch and learn!" Skipper commanded. It was always interesting to know other species' fighting techniques in case they had to go to battle with that species.

"... So we can say bonobos rather use sex to resolve conflicts than the use of sheer force. They make love, not war, isn't that beautiful?" The narrator's voice said smoothly as the movie ended.

The four penguins remained at their current places for a while, still shocked over what they had just witnessed. All that monkey-love had been a little too much for a relaxing afternoon. They have seen all forms of sexual behavior; the apes didn't bother who their partner was, as long as it wasn't with their own mother.

"Okay boys, you didn't see anything!" Skipper told them, trying to get the shocked expressions of the other's faces. He took the tape out of the recorder and burnt it to be safe. Never had he seen such crap before: "Make love, not war! Yeah right..." He thought to himself.

Kowalski was the first to get out of his trance. "Maybe that's not such a bad idea, considering it would dramatically reduce the risk of injury in battle," he said with a pensive frown on his forehead. "However, for penguins this kind of behavior can be dangerous because of our flasklike shapes..."

"Kowalski, I don't know about you or any of you, but I only have sex with a female penguin, a beautiful female penguin, that is. One with a pretty pink bowtie, a coco-nut bra and a reed skirt." Skipper replied. Sure Kowalski was intelligent but this was the most ignorant thing he ever heard.

"I guess you're right Skipper. It's not natural... unless you're a bonobo." Kowalski rattled pointlessly.

"Do you think we ever gonna get a female?" Private asked innocently, not that he wanted a girl to interrupt with their lives. Actually, he was more attracted to his superior male friends. He loved to be dominated by them.

"I can call the Hoboken Hussie if you guys have certain needs..." Skipper began casually "...but..."

"The Hoboken what?" Kowalski and Private interjected in unison.

"Well you know, you pay her price and she'll let you do every sick fantasy you have in mind."

"You mean like selling her body... doesn't she have any selfrespect!" Private said shocked, though he would give his body for free.

"That's why she's a hussie, selfrespect has nothing to do with it." Skipper replied annoyed. Why was Private always in conflict with his morals.

"I still think it's wrong..." Private said sadly. He wondered if he could try this with Rico sometimes, Rico would do anything for fish. Just as he thought this over, where was Rico actually?

Meanwhile, Alice was getting ready to close the zoo. As she grabbed her bag, she searched for her cellphone. She had to make a call to her date, a lanky young man who studied zo├Âlogy who'd asked her to date him multiple times. Finally she gave in and agreed to date the much younger guy; she wasn't in a position to be picky about men. She noticed something was missing as she palpated the inside of her purse.

"Where the fuck is my..." She cursed under her breath. She had brought her toy with her, if the date was a disaster, she could always rely on her old buddy. "Maybe I forgot..." She sighed, she hoped her date wasn't as green as she thought he was. She didn't feel like de-flowering a guy tonight. She was sure he'll be done in five minutes and leave her unsatisfied.

When she had found the mobile phone, she made her call.

"Hi, it's me. I've done, where do we meet?" She asked. After some humming from her side she ended with: "Central Park in ten minutes, you better be on time cause I'm not waiting."

She walked towards the gate, went outside and closed it behind her back. She inhaled the cold evening air into her lungs and stepped towards the park.


If you wonder where Rico is and what he's up to, you'll have to read the second chapter. This was getting too long. Also, I hope you get what Alice carried in her purse, cause I didn't feel like saying the actual name of it. XD