Author's Notes: Written for this prompt on the glee_angst_meme:
"Finn/Puck; est. relationship; Finn feels pressured to put out.
It's hard to explain, but Finn just is not ready to have sex with Puck. Okay, he's a dude, and it's not like he's virgin anyway, but... What he did with Santana was really stupid and he really regretted it after, and he wants to be really sure before doing that again - which he's kind of not yet. Plus, he's still kind of freaked out about the whole gay thing.
But, it's Puck. Finn's known him for years, way before they got together - he knows how Puck's feels about girls who don't put out (hint: they annoy him). I mean, the guy says he needs sex to live. He was sexting Santana while trying to prove to Quinn they could raise a baby together, for christ's sake. If Finn won't sleep with him, he's pretty sure Puck'll... cheat at best; dump him altogether at worst.
So Finn and his self-esteem issues sleep with Puck anyway. Afterward, he feels even worse than he did after Santana... and he's trying to hide that fact from Puck.
This could have either a happy Fuck ending (eg. Puck figures out how Finn feels, is shocked and horrified that Finn would do that, and promises Finn he loves him and they don't have to do that again until Finn really wants to), or... not (eg. Puck doesn't figure it out and their relationship goes regularly sexual way too fast for Finn - or maybe Finn finally explains to Puck after, saying he's not ready for sex yet so can they not do it again, and Puck really does dump him for not putting out). Bonus points for awesome!comforting!brother!Kurt."
Of note - this is a multichapter fic, but it's only actually going to be two chapters. It fits pretty solidly into a two-act structure. *shrug*
They're making out on Puck's bed like normal when Puck comes out of nowhere and says: "So, we should fuck."
Finn blinks up at him.
Puck rolls his eyes. "Come on, man. We've being doing this two months, right? It's gotta happen at some point."
Puck tries to kiss him again, but Finn doesn't kiss back this time. He frowns, still kind of caught up on this whole thing. "You mean, like, in the ass? You sure? I mean, I'm pretty sure Kurt's said not all guys do..."
"What's the point of being gay if it's not an excuse for anal?" Puck asks. "Come on. How bad could it be?"
Puck's still trying to kiss him, but Finn pushes him away. "Wait, dude." He pushes himself up on his elbows. "Shouldn't we like... talk about this or something?"
"We are talking about it," Puck says, but he's still leaning in. "I'd just rather do something fun at the same time."
Then Puck's mouth is on his neck, and come on, that's not fair. Stupid sexy-ass boyfriend and his sexy-ass distractingness. Okay, Finn is not letting him get away with that.
"Puck." He pushes Puck away by shoulders. Puck sighs at him, annoyed.
"What is it, Finn?" he asks. "Come on, you're not a girl. Why would you hold out?"
Finn shrugs uncomfortably. "I'm just... not sure I'm ready for that; that's all."
"But why?" Puck asks. "You're not a virgin, dude."
Don't remind me. "I know. But I think... that might actually be part of the problem?" Puck looks confused, so Finn tries to explain. "Look, dude – what I did with Santana? Really fucking stupid. You have no idea what a piece of shit I felt after. And I guess, I don't know, I want to be really sure before I do that again. You know?"
Puck raises an eyebrow. "Okay, San's smoking, so I really have no idea what your whole drama there is anyway," he says, and Finn's about to argue it, but then Puck starts talking again. "But if you're all girly and 'virginity is a precious gift' or whatever... You know I'm not just looking to get laid like her, right? We're like, boyfriends or whatever gay shit you want. It's about more than getting into your pants, dude."
Finn sighs. Fuck it, Puck had to go all sweet on him, huh? "Yeah, I know."
"Then what's the problem?"
Finn shrugs. "I don't know, man... Doesn't it, like, hurt?"
Puck considers this for a second, but shrugs. "Not unless, like, I didn't give a fuck about you or I just didn't know what I was doing. So, given I both give a fuck and know all too well, I'd say we're cool."
Finn frowns. "I thought you said you hadn't done the gay thing before either?"
"I haven't. But chicks have assholes, dude, it happens. I mean, it's kind of harder to get them to do it, because there's another hole that works like that, but..."
"I don't – I don't know."
Puck sighs. "Look, dude, if it's really that big a deal I won't force you or anything. It's just..." he leans in, biting at the shell of Finn's ear. "I could make it real good for you, babe."
"Um." Finn's blushing, and Puck pulls back to smirk at him.
"...Maybe, okay?" Finn says. "You kind of dropped this on me out of nowhere, and I'm not sure if I – if I can. So, can I like, have some time to think on it? Where you promise you won't dump me for not putting out?"
Puck shrugs. "'Course."
Finn can't help but notice he doesn't promise he won't do that, period.
He shakes that thought out of his head, and sighs. "So, can we just go back to the making out now, without all this complicated stuff?"
Puck grins at him, and puts a hand on his jaw. "That is totally fine with me."
It's not that he doesn't want to sleep with Puck. He's woken up with sticky sheets and lingering thoughts of that very thing in his head more than a few times. It's just... scary.
Finn sighs and flings himself down on his bed, pulling the covers over himself roughly. He tosses and turns a bit, but when he rolls onto the side facing his door, he sees a shadowy figure in the doorway.
"Finn, shhh," insists the shadowy figure, and its voice reveals it to be Kurt, rather than the Ghost of Putting Out Past or the Slender Man or whoever (oh great, now he's going to sleep). He shifts a little, letting him into a little more light, which shows a pretty damn amused smirk. Not cool. "It's one AM. Dad and Carole are asleep."
Finn glares at him. "Why are you here?"
Kurt rolls his eyes. "It's one AM," he repeats, as if that explains everything. "I had to fool them that you had volunteered at the local homeless dog shelter to get them to calm down and not call to ruin your date," he says. "You owe me some facts, Finn Hudson."
Finn just keeps glaring at him. "Go away, Kurt."
Kurt sighs very dramatically. "Fine, if you insist on being ungrateful for my protection from meddling parental figures." Finn rolls his eyes at that. "But eventually, I am going to find your mystery girl. And really, unless you tell me yourself and inform me of what I can't say, that's only going to lead to Rachel discovering her and that can't end well."
"Leave." Although he does find the idea of Rachel finding out about Puck a bit terrifying. But whatever. Kurt sashays off, and Finn rolls on his other side.
They haven't even told anyone yet. Especially not Kurt, or the rest of Finn's family. Kind of because, well, Kurt is already dealing with so much shit for the gay thing, and it seems selfish for Finn to try and make them deal with all that again. At least, until things are more normal or whatever. Not to mention, he's still pretty uncertain with it – he knows he likes Puck, but that's about it. And he has no idea how Kurt's going to deal with Finn has to explain last year to him with 'no, it's not that I don't like dick; I don't like you'. Yeah, that sounds like it could be not-so-great.
Puck seems cool with all that, because he probably has his own issues with this – his rep, and Finn's very definite 'not a nice jewish girl' status, which can't go down well with his mom. But really, Finn's not sure he can possibly be ready for sex in a relationship he's not even ready to tell anyone about.
Plus, Santana. She's like a ball and chain, really – it's not her fault, but he just does not want to go through what he went through with her again. He's not even really sure what he means by that, but he thinks it has something to do with feeling ashamed of himself and, well, kind of like a slut (even if he is a dude). Rachel must have freaked for a reason, right?
So don't do it, dumbass, he tells himself. Tell Puck you're not ready. What's the worst that could happen?
Well that was a stupid thing to think.
It's not that he doesn't trust Puck – okay, yeah, he guesses it kind of must be. But he has reasons. They were best friends for years before all this, and Finn knows the guy's bad points – he tends to be kind of a dick to his girlfriends, especially about sex. It's not like he's never dumped a girl for not putting out before. Okay, Finn's not a girl, but he's pretty sure that wouldn't save him.
And even if Puck didn't outright ditch him – well, he's never been so great at not-cheating. This dude has made out with both Finn's girlfriends. Finn would so not be surprised if he looked somewhere else while waiting for Finn to put his mental vagina away (as Puck usually puts it); snagging someone with a real one. And Finn's not sure he can deal with that a third freaking time.
And he can't go all 'R-E-S-P-E-C-T, find out what it means to me' about it, and decide Puck's not worth it if he's going to make sex into the dealbreaker, because, well, he likes being Puck's boyfriend. He likes ditching Math (and Science, and English, and way too many classes actually) to make out. He likes sneaking little looks in Glee. He likes getting Puck to play things on his guitar just for him, even if Puck gives him a token ribbing for being such a girl about it. He likes being able to blame losing videogames on the fact it's really hard to play when you keep get groped and distracted. And really, he's not sure he wants to give all that up because of this weird reluctance to do something he kind of wants to do anyway.
Finn sighs and pulls the covers over his head. He'll think about all this later; like Kurt's said, it's one AM and he needs to sleep. He rolls over and tries to do just that.
It doesn't work very well.
He winds up eavesdropping on Santana and Brittany, and yeah, he's admitting it, he's eavesdropping. Which he knows is bad, but this has turned out to be actually relevant to his life even if he only stopped because he thought they might be hooking up; cut him some slack?
"Sorry San," Brittany says. "But Artie would get mad."
Santana gives a grouchy sigh. "Yeah, I know," she says. "That fucking monogamy thing. Even Puck's getting into it now."
Finn can't help but smile, because he's a jealous dick sometimes and Santana is sort of accidentally soothing his jealous dick side. Brittany looks shocked. "Really?"
Santana shrugs. "I tried to hook up with him a few days back; he told me he's secretly dating this chick and he wouldn't cheat on her. Wouldn't give me a name though. Apparently they can't say they're together yet, for... some reason."
"Oh," says Brittany. "Maybe it's a guy?"
"Maybe," says Santana. "'Though she-he won't put out anyway, apparently, so it shouldn't be an issue for that long."
Yeah, Finn's not smiling anymore.
"Huh?" asks Brittany.
"You have amnesia or something? This is what always happens. He tries it for real with whoever; she won't put out; before long he's begging at my door. You know, I think he might be an actual sex addict," Santana says with a flippant toss of her hair. "So one way or another, boy will fuck me. It just, y'know, might take awhile."
Finn so wants to go forth and start a total catfight. That's what girls do when other girls are trying to steal their boyfriends, right? Why can't he? Then again, Santana doesn't know Puck's his boyfriend, so it would probably just confuse her. And Kurt keeps trying to give him manicures in his sleep, so Finn assumes he doesn't have the nails for it anyway.
Still, everything she's saying... kind of a nightmare come true. Like, Puck's done this girl-or-boy-friend, no-sex, cheat/dump thing so much before Santana can predict it like an actual pattern. Like she's relying on it. And that's scary as fuck, because he doesn't want Puck to either dump him or cheat on him.
He doesn't think he can stop that directly, at step three. Puck is his own person; without hypnotism (which would be both hard and creepy), Finn can't control what he does. And stopping it at step one – them actually being together – sounds, y'know, counterproductive. So that leaves step two.
Finn sighs and walks away. He needs to go find Puck.
Puck looks a little surprised to see him, which doesn't really make sense, because they're in the middle of an empty hallway at school and they see each other like this all the time. Anyway, Puck doesn't look like seeing Finn is a bad thing or whatever, so Finn doesn't mind too much.
"Hey," Puck says. "What's on your mind?"
Finn hesitates. This is it. Come on, man. "So... sex."
Puck raises an eyebrow. "What about it?"
Come on, Hudson, don't pussy out now. Finn checks around, making sure they're actually alone and it's okay to play boyfriend right now; he won't accidentally wind up outing them. Puck's not giving him much of a cue. Still, it looks like they're alone, so...
"So, uh, you said you wanted to..." Finn bites his lip. "And I think I want to. Uh. You know."
Okay, so it's not exactly great erotic work. Whatever. He's getting his point across, isn't he?
There's a bit of a pause, and Finn waits for Puck to react. Hopefully Puck isn't going to give him the whole 'are you sure you're ready?' speech dudes on TV always give their girlfriends before they do it.
(And it's not just that Finn's pretty sure he'd say 'no' if Puck actually asked, okay?)
But then Puck's grinning. Full on, ear-to-ear grinning.
And slamming Finn against the lockers.
"Mmph!" is all Finn manages to get out before Puck cuts him off by sealing their mouths together, sticking his tongue through Finn's lips. Finn tries to keep one eye open to make sure they don't get caught, but really, if Puck's going to try and make out with him like that he doesn't have much of a choice but get distracted.
He sort of loses himself in the kiss, and that's actually kind of reassuring. It'll be okay, he tells himself. Sleeping with him will be like doing everything else with him, and you like that, right?
...And then he remembers that he has to tell himself that and reassurance goes 'bye!' and starts packing for Hawaii.
He breaks the kiss and Puck is still grinning up at him.
"Awesome. So, come over eight tonight; Mom's working and Sarah's on school camp. I'll have all the stuff, don't worry."
Wait, tonight? he wants to shriek, but when he thinks about it, why not tonight? If he protests that, it'll just piss Puck off. So instead, he just says "That's... overly convenient... Wait, what stuff?"
Puck rolls his eyes. "Lube and condoms and shit. Because we're not catching diseases or whatever, and I'd actually rather you not scream in pain and only scream for good reasons, yeah?"
Finn can't help but shiver a little when he says that, and he's really not sure whether he's doing that because of good thoughts (he can make you scream and that's a good thing; he knows what he's doing, huh?) or bad (shit, it could hurt like a bitch).
"Oh," Finn says. "Um, okay. Cool."
Puck smirks, and kisses him once again. "See ya tonight," he says, before walking off.
Finn leans against a locker, and absolutely does not collapse and start hyperventilating. Not at all.
Don't freak out, he tells himself. You decided to do this. Don't freak out.
"Are you going somewhere?" Mom asks. Finn practically drops everything he's carrying, but then he realizes he's not actually carrying anything.
"Huh? Oh, uh, yeah," he says, trying hard not to blush. "Puck invited me over."
"Again?" she asks, raising an eyebrow. She doesn't look like she believes him – she probably thinks he's sneaking off to have sex, which is exactly what he's doing, but she thinks he's sneaking off to have sex with a girl, and he really does have to tell her about all this at some point.
Preferably not now.
So instead, he shrugs. "He's my best friend, Mom," he says. "We hang out."
She sighs. "I know," she says. "Just... I hope you're not doing anything stupid."
Finn bites his lip. "Huh?"
"Noah Puckerman is not the best influence; you must be aware of that."
Oh. Finn nods along. "Well, uh, yeah, but you know, whatever – I'm smarter than that."
"Sure," she says.
There's an awkward pause.
"So, um..." Finn runs a hand through his hair. "Do you know where Burt is? 'Cause he kind of seems to of disappeared."
Okay, he's mostly asking this because – well, he's not that happy about it, but he kind of realizes he is totally the girl when it comes to his whole thing with Puck.
(He guesses that's why he's the one who's all freaked about sex.)
And if he's the girl, that kind of makes Burt the girl's father, and Burt is so not one of those modern-y 'as long as you're safe, it's okay; trying to stop you would only lead to bad things' ones. Finn really doesn't want him coming after Puck with a shotgun, so he basically wants to make sure Burt doesn't figure it out.
(He could get you out of doing this...
Shut up, brain. I don't want to get out of doing this.
You suck at lying. Even to yourself.
And you're making me sound schizophrenic, so cut it out.)
Mom sighs. "He's picking up Kurt."
"Oh. Wait, what?"
Mom shrugs. "Kurt decided to be spontaneous and take a couple of days off; we're both happy to see him and a little worried something might have happened. But Burt will probably grill him in the car. Given how far away Westerville is, though, they probably won't be back for a couple of hours, so I don't think you have to worry. Go out, have fun. Don't get anyone pregnant."
Finn manages not to jump at that, despite the implications of sex, because even so there's still no real chance of that happening. So it's only a little scary. He just rolls his eyes and moves over to kiss her on the cheek. "Love you, Mom," he says. "See you later."
She smiles. "Love you too, baby," she says. "Bye."
He walks off, and soon he's out the door. He inhales deeply.
Come on, Hudson. You've made your bed. Get laid in it.
(Dude, no-one likes puns.)
Puck grins smugly at him. "Hey," he says. "Starting to think you'd bailed."
Finn frowns. I can still do that, right? "Dude, I'm like, five minutes late. Back off."
Puck rolls his eyes, but swings the door open for Finn to come in. He stands in front of the door awkwardly. "So... now what do we do?"
Puck rolls his eyes again, and grabs him by the wrist. "Come on. My room."
Puck drags him upstairs, and swings the door closed. Finn can't help but wince at the sound it makes when it slams (he feels kind of trapped, and the more logical part of his brain sort of knows that when being alone in a room with your boyfriend makes you feel like that, something is seriously wrong). But then he lies down on the bed, and Puck's on top of him like normal.
Despite everything, Puck kissing him does actually make him relax a bit. Kind of. It's easy to lose himself when they do that. Then Puck's leg is between his, rubbing up against him; his hands tugging at Finn's shirt, and Finn starts to panic at the same time his dick starts to get a little bit hard.
It's not like this is new to them – yet. What they're going to do is, of course, but the frottage and the loss of clothing isn't. But still, it's scary now. Because he knows where it's heading. Like if he was heading off to battle dragons (he can't think of a better comparison right now, okay?); he'd have to start out on the street outside his house, and sure he's walked there before, but he'd be walking there to battle fucking dragons so, y'know, scary.
Chill out, he tells himself as Puck pulls away to tug his shirt off. It's not bad. You're hard, dude. Just go with it.
Puck pulls his own shirt off too, before kissing Puck again. Finn runs his hands over Puck's chest and yeah, that's good. Touching. Touching is good. Feeling Puck's muscles ripple under his hands kind of turns him on like crazy.
But then Puck's undoing the fly of his jeans and holy shit I can't do this.
Finn bites his lip to keep from saying that out loud, and Puck pulls back. "S'gonna be great," he murmurs, and Finn shivers.
You should believe him, you know.
Puck tries to pull the jeans off, and Finn raises his hips obediently so Puck can do just that. Then he remembers the underwear he has on, and closes his eyes so he doesn't have to look at Puck's face.
He still hears Puck laughing. "Aliens? Really dude?"
Finn feels himself go bright red. "Shut up," he says half-heartedly.
Normally, he'd actually fight against that better, and Puck would keep making fun of him, and he would probably throw a pillow and there would be wrestling and it would dissolve into something sexy. But he doesn't want to do that now, even if this is the time they're actually having sex. He doesn't want to stretch it out with them acting like normal; he kind of just wants to get it over with.
He hesitantly pries his eyes open, to see Puck rolling his. "Chill, Finnessa. I mean – tell anyone I said this and I'll punch you, or whatever I can do without making you have to dump me and go to a shelter – but it's kind of cute, okay? Let it go."
Finn lets out a breath and lies back against the bed, body going limp. The thought kind of hits out of nowhere:
I really, really don't want to do this.
Thinking that makes him feel a little sick. He tries to shake the thought away, lose himself in the fact it feels good (he's hard for a reason) but it sticks in his mind this time. It's not really surprising, after all. He only decided to go through with this because he heard Santana bitching and saying she could get Puck anyway. He's doing this so he doesn't get dumped. He knew he wasn't doing it because he wanted to; he just wanted to forget that while actually doing it. God, he's such a girl; being scared up about putting out like this; getting all worked up about his shitty first time.
(Thanks a fucking lot, Santana).
But he's not having another fucking relationship end in trauma and crazy because he can't/won't give his girlfriend/boyfriend whatever the hell it is they need – at least in this case it's easy to tell what that is; sex. He keeps his mouth shut and goes with it.
"Come on, Hudson," Puck mutters, reaching over to get the... supplies out of his drawer. "Let's get this show on the road already."
Puck gets them both naked pretty damn quickly for that, and things go kinda fast. It hurts when Puck breaches him open, but he bites his lip and hides what pain he can; it's not so bad and he still just wants to get this over with. It does feel good, though, and he comes with Puck's hand wrapped around his dick while he's being fucked. Puck comes too, and it all ends the way he guesses sex tends to end – in awkward silence, with some panting.
Then, Puck grins at him. "Thanks. That was awesome."
Finn blinks? "Oh?" he asks, because, well, he's pretty sure he read somewhere that sex was meant to be best when both people (or however many; y'know, he's trying to be open minded nowadays) were having a great time with it. And he kind of wasn't just then, so even if Puck didn't notice that (Finn doesn't think he did), it shouldn't have been that good. Or maybe Puck is just lying to him to be nice (okay, doesn't sound much like Puck, but whatever).
And then Puck's kissing him again. Despite everything, that's still fucking distracting.
"So," Puck says once he pulls away, sitting up in the bed. "What do you wanna do now? I'm pretty sure I've got some new games; really gotta start paying more attention to what I steal." There's a pause. Finn blinks. "Dude, I'm not cuddling," Puck tells him.
Finn shrugs and starts to pull himself out of the bed. But then a sharp pain shoots through his ass and ow!
Puck gives him a look. "You okay?"
Finn nods automatically. "Yeah."
He's not. He feels kind of... cheap and dirty and used, and not in a fun way like those chicks in porn seem to go on about. It hurts. He doesn't get himself, really, but he sort of just feels like he did with the Santana thing.
And he realizes he can't look Puck in the eye right now.
"I – I have to get home," he blurts out, pulling him clothes off the floor as fast as he can. Puck looks confused. "Um... Kurt kind of spontaneously decided to come back for a bit, so Burt was driving over there to pick him up; I should probably be home by the time they get back or else things are just gonna get awkward."
Puck nods, like he buys it. Well, it's all true except for none of that's why he needs to get out of here, now.
(To be honest, he feels like a douchebag for running out on Puck like this.)
"Well, uh, see ya," Puck says awkwardly. He does, however, kiss Finn again.
Finn gets his clothes on as fast as possible (while trying not to show too much of himself, and yes he knows exactly how stupid that is) and makes a break for it.