He gets home to see Kurt in the kitchen.
"Finn," Kurt says, sounding surprised. "Where were you? I was half expecting you to attack me with a bear hug when I got home."
Finn shrugs, shifting uncomfortably on the spot. He's kind of sore. "I was at Puck's. Didn't Mom tell you?"
Kurt frowns. "She just said you were out," he says. "You've been spending a lot of time with him lately."
Oh shit, he's figured it out! is Finn's first thought. However, he thinks he manages to pretend to be calm decently enough. "So?"
Kurt shrugs. "Just saying," he says, which isn't really reassuring. "I just thought – if you knew I was coming home, you might actually be here, not with him."
Finn cringes and snaps. "Well, sorry for not rewriting everything I do because you're the most important thing in the world or whatever."
"Forget it. I'm going to bed," he says, striding past Kurt and making the way up to his room. His legs and ass seriously regret going so fast when he gets there, but he deals with it. He collapses onto his bed, on his side.
He shouldn't have lashed out at Kurt. Really. He was right; Finn should have been there to welcome him home. But, well, it's not like he was out because he wanted to be. He was doing something he had to. Or something he felt like he had to, anyway. It just seemed unfair that Kurt would blame him for that.
Well, that was a stupid moment. Finn groans and starts looking through that draw he never uses for his pajamas – he doesn't usually bother with them, but tonight he doesn't think he can handle sleeping in his underwear like normal. Um, that's overly traumatized.
He sighs and pushes himself back into bed. Just, get some sleep. It'll seem better in the morning. Puck will call or text you or something and it'll be fine.
He still sounds like such a girl.
He wakes up in the morning after a restless sleep. His ass still hurts a little, but it's better than it was last night. That's comforting, he guesses.
He rolls over and checks the time. Almost ten AM. Meh. He checks his phone too, and finds Puck's texted him, not called.
Hey babe. Hummel still all clingy on u, pissed u werent there last nite? Like he nos. Luv u.
Finn smiles, despite himself. But the memories of everything that happened last night still make him wince, and that's not a good thing. He was kind of hoping when he'd wake up in the morning, he'd have gotten some kind of perspective and magically become okay with it all. He hasn't. Well, shit.
He thinks about Kurt, and remembers what a douche he acted like last night – he's going to have to go apologize. Again. Kurt is his bro now and Finn loves him, but he swears he spends half his life apologizing to the dude for something or other.
He sighs and pushes himself out of bed.
He wanders into Kurt's room just after noon, as which point even Kurt on a weekend should be up. In fact, Kurt's lying there reading a magazine in all his fancy clothes, so Finn would guess he's been up for awhile.
Kurt lowers his magazine, blinking at him. "What is it, Finn?"
Finn shoves his hands in his pockets, shuffling around uncomfortably. "I just, uh, wanted to say sorry... for being such a dick to you. You know, last night. I was just lashing out. Nothing to do with you. I... probably shoulda been here when you got home anyway."
Kurt smiles softly. "It's alright Finn; it's not like I feared I wouldn't see you. I wasn't mad."
Finn nods. He sort of notices that Kurt hasn't asked him what he was lashing out about.
There's an awkward silence. "Finn? Is there something else you want?" Kurt pauses. "Is there something wrong?"
Finn hesitates. This is the bit where he should go away, say everything's just fine and, y'know, not make Kurt all suspicious. But he finds himself sighing and sitting down on Kurt's bed, wincing at the pain from the pressure on his ass. It's weird.
"...Sort of," Finn eventually says. Kurt frowns. "Uh, if I'm going to explain this to you... I'm going to tell you shit you're probably not gonna be expecting. So, uh, sorry."
Kurt looks unimpressed. "Spill."
"I've kind of been secretly dating Puck for two months now."
Kurt blinks. "...Oh," he says. "Wait, no, that's not right. Let me try again: WHAT?"
"Dude!" Finn says. "Shh."
"I'm not saying anything that would reveal the specifics of your secret, and my room is soundproofed anyway, so no-one can hear me. I repeat: WHAT?"
"Okay, okay dude, I get it. This is weird and freaky and you're all 'since when do you swing that way' and you're probably gonna be pissed that I do like dudes after all but I didn't like you back when you – but you know, none of that's really what this is about; it's just... context."
Kurt blinks. "Alright then," he says. "So what is this about?"
Finn takes a breath. This can't be a good idea, telling Kurt. "...We had sex last night. It was, um, the first time we..."
"I really don't need to know this, Finn."
"I don't really think I wanted to."
Kurt looks shocked, and Finn looks away. "Oh my – god Finn, what did he – I mean, I guess you don't have to tell me, but – son of a bitch, how could he–"
"Huh? Oh, no dude. He didn't... force me or anything." Kurt looks relieved and Finn sighs.
"Then... what did happen?"
Finn bites his lip. "I... He kind of brought it up awhile ago. And I was like, 'um, don't know' so he let it slide. But then I heard Santana talking to Brittany... she was pissed Puck wouldn't fuck her, because he was actually not cheating on me even if he wasn't saying who I was. But she said... she said she knew, if whoever-I-was wasn't putting out, then Puck would have to sleep with someone soon anyway. He was gonna either cheat or dump me. I mean, it is Puck. So I kind of went and screwed him anyway. But now I feel kind of bad, and I don't think I was..."
Kurt looks at him with pity. "Well, that was kind of stupid, Finn."
Finn glares at him. "Nice, dude."
"Sorry," Kurt apologizes. "That was tactless. But... you shouldn't have sex if you don't want to, just to keep your partner happy."
"You sound like a public service announcement," Finn grumbles. "You don't get it, Kurt."
"You're right, I don't," Kurt admits. "Mind explaining?"
Finn sighs. He's suddenly realizing he doesn't get it either. "It's just... look, I love Puck, but I know he's not perfect. He's the sex shark or whatever. I mean, I knew a lot of shit about his sexual history going into all this – we have been best friends since we were like, four. I sort of guessed he'd expect sex; he wouldn't be so great if I wouldn't give it to him. I mean, I've seen him dump girls for not putting out before. So it feels like... really should've seen this coming. And if it'd be such a big deal, I shouldn't have gotten into this in the first place. Does that make any sense?"
"In a way, but that doesn't mean it's right," Kurt says. He sighs and reaches over to grab Finn's hand. "No-one has the right to expect sex from you. Not if you're not ready. And, as much of a cliche as this is, if Puck would dump you for not doing that, he's not worth it, damn it."
Finn looks away, feeling kind of ashamed. He knows all that. He feels dumb for doing it anyway. But he really needed to keep Puck, so he ignored his common sense and everything years of Very Special Episodes taught him, and did it anyway. Kurt's trying to help, but telling him everything he already knew isn't making him feel much better.
Kurt cocks his head to the side. "You love him?"
Finn nods, looking back up to meet Kurt's eyes. "Yeah," he says. "I do. I mean, I like, really do. It's kind of scary, actually."
Kurt sighs. "Well, I can't say much for your taste, but..."
"Sorry," Finn says. "So, what do I do now? We've done it once; do I just keep sleeping with him since–"
"Finn, no. Not if you don't want to." Kurt takes a heavy breath. "You need to talk about this with Puck. Tell him everything. Maybe he'll be okay with it; maybe you mean enough to him that he won't do something bad after all."
Finn cringes. "And if he does?"
"Then good riddance to the bastard."
"Yeah, easy for you to say when you're not..."
Kurt sighs. "I know," he says. "Come here."
Kurt wraps his arms around him, and Finn lets himself feel a little bit of comfort.
He next sees Puck at school on Monday.
"Hey," Puck says. "Didn't see you all weekend since Friday. You avoiding me?"
Finn frowns. "Dude, you called me like fifty times, and I always answered. You're whining about nothing."
Okay, honestly, it was the first weekend in weeks he didn't spend mostly at Puck's house. Yeah, he was kind of avoiding Puck, out of shame and the weird guilt that comes with the fact he knows they have to have that conversation – the one Kurt told him to start – but Finn's shit scared of it. It's kind of unfair, but what can you do, really?
Puck shrugs. "Whatever. Just kind of missed you, that's all."
Aww. And yes, he's a fucking girl, whatever he's used to it by now.
"Sorry," he says.
"Plus, I was kinda worried – I'd done something wrong with, well, what happened, and you were pissed so that was..."
Finn cringes. Okay, he needs to start this conversation now. Yeah, it'll be painful and uncomfortable, but so was the sex and he can't just let Puck going thinking he was...
"No, uh, I'm cool. Just... kinda sore."
That is not what he meant to say.
Puck gives him a smirk that makes Finn want to puke. "Oh really?"
Finn manages to roll his eyes. "Dude, don't be a dick."
"Just asking," Puck says. "You wanna come over tonight?"
Finn hesitates. "Puck–"
"Come on, you me, video games, cheetos and probably some kind of sex? There's a bad thing in that equation?"
Finn tries not to grimace – come on, bring it up, bring it up. "Okay, sure," he says. "Just tell me when to get there?"
"Six-ish? I think my sis is chased out of the house at that point."
Finn nods along. "Cool."
Puck gives him a cocky grin as he walks off. Finn smiles until Puck's gone, and then he starts panicking. Oh god, what did he just agree to? Again? He is so fucked. And that wasn't a good way of phrasing it.
A bit before six, he's preparing to leave. And Kurt is staring at him with a raised eyebrow from the kitchen doorway.
"Where are you going?"
Finn sighs and turns to him. This can't end well. "Puck's."
Kurt frowns and steps forward. "Have you spoken to him about..."
Finn bites his lip and looks down at the floor. When he hesitantly raises his eyes again, Kurt sighs and steps forward.
"Look, I'll talk to him, okay?" Finn says. "I just haven't gotten around to it yet, that's all. I'm not going there to – I mean, if he tries something I'd..."
Okay, Finn knows what Puck said. But Finn's not sure how much Puck was banking on that or whatever, so he's not sure anything'll happen.
Kurt looks wary. "I just don't want you to do something you'll regret. Again."
"I won't. Promise, okay?" Finn says. Kurt doesn't really look like he believes him, but Finn swings open the door anyway. "See ya, bro."
"Bye," Kurt says quietly as Finn heads out.
"Dude, I am so kicking your ass!" Finn yells, grinning as he furiously mashes the buttons on his controller. Puck's face is flushed with frustration as he tries to catch up.
This whole thing is going pretty well so far – they've just made out, ate and played a lot of videogames so far. Finn's having fun, and he sort of feels like the whole crazy sex thing hasn't happened.
"Son of a bitch," Puck grumbles. "You – freaking – lucky–"
"Ha," Finn gloats. "Face it – you're my bitch now."
"That's not what you were saying on Friday."
Finn goes still. Shit. It did happen and suddenly he's all frozen. And then the screen starts beeping at him. Aww, shit; he lost..
"Fuck yeah!" Puck shouts, arm-punching in victory. "Suck that! The Puckasaurus defeats all!"
Finn scowls. "Shut up," he says. "And that's a stupid nickname."
Puck rolls his eyes. "Dude, sore loser much?"
And then Puck pounces. Finn finds himself pinned to the bed, and looks up at his boyfriend in surprise.
"Puck, what are you–"
Puck shuts him up with a kiss. Well, that kind of makes the answer to his question obvious anyway. Finn holds onto Puck's mohawk for support, losing himself in the kiss.
But then he feels Puck's hand tugging at his zipper, and fuck!
He breaks the kiss and blurts out "Puck what are you doing?" Puck raises an eyebrow.
"Come on," he says as he kisses Finn's neck. "This ain't new territory, dude."
"Puck–" Oh god, he said he wouldn't do it again but he doesn't know how to stop, doesn't know what to say.
"Wasn't it fun, babe?"
"Puck I didn't want to sleep with you."
Puck pulls away and stares at him. Finn suddenly realizes what he just said. Fuck.
Finn grimaces. "I... On Friday. When we... I didn't really, uh, want to." He pauses. "Sorry," he says in embarrassment.
"Dude," Puck's kind starting to look like he's panicking, "I didn't – force you or anything–"
"No, man, it's not your fault," Finn says, trying to comfort him. Fuck, how does he explain this? "It's just... look, when you brought it up I... was kind of freaked out. And, I asked for time to think about it – you know all this, you were there, why am I telling you? Anyway, while I was doing my thinking thing... I heard Santana talking to Brittany?"
"What?" Puck asks. "Dude, I didn't cheat on you."
"I know. She said you wouldn't, actually; she was kind of pissed she couldn't hook up with you when you actually had someone to not cheat on." Puck smiles, and Finn takes a breath. "But then she said... that this had happened before. Like, you being with someone you didn't wanna cheat on... and then whoever wouldn't put out, and then you wound up fucking her anyway or whatever. And, I dunno, the thought – I guess I just panicked. I sort of felt like I had to if I was gonna keep you. So... I did."
Puck stares. "Shit," he says. "That was fucking dumb."
Finn cringes. "Yeah, I know," he says. "I'm sorry."
Puck blinks at him. "So... you really weren't, uh, ready or...? 'Cause you did get it up and come and everything."
Finn shakes his head. "No. Well, yeah, I guess it felt good but – I sort of felt like shit after, so..."
Puck sighs. "Is it just that you weren't cool with being the one to take it? 'Cause, you know, I don't mind being on bottom from now on if that'd make you feel better."
Finn thinks about it, and the thought still sort of makes him cringe. "I – I don't think so. It wasn't really about, like, the physical stuff or anything – I just... wasn't ready for that level or whatever. I know you're trying, but that... it wouldn't help."
"But why?" Puck asks, and Finn frowns. "I mean – why aren't you ready?"
"I – I don't know!" Finn says. He thinks of Santana and winces a little – he's really got to start understanding this more. "I just... can't?"
"Why? I mean, you're not a chick – we're dudes; we're all meant to always want sex, so why won't you put out?"
Finn glares at him. "So, what – I'm a guy so I can't say no?"
Puck groans. "No, just... I don't get it, that's all."
Finn sighs. "Well, okay, I don't really get it either," he admits. Puck looks relieved. "But I don't really need you to – I just need you to, well, be cool with. And not push until I'm ready like a normal person. Uh... you can do that, right?"
Puck looks less relieved. He looks pretty fucking unrelieved, actually, and Finn isn't feeling so great either now. Puck pushes himself up and off Finn, and Finn sits up too. "Look, Finn I – I love you," Puck says. "But I'm still me. I wanna stuck it somewhere."
Finn looks away. Fuck. "Dude, I said I can't–"
"Whoa, I won't make you or anything if you don't want to. I mean, sex ed said that was like, rape," Puck says. "And yeah, I still wanna be your boyfriend. Relax?"
Finn blinks. Okay, huh? He's relieved, but... "So, uh... what is your problem? What are you asking?"
"I'm gonna need to fuck someone, Finn. Just sort of need your permission to do it with... well, anyone other than you, basically?"
Finn gapes at him. "You're kidding, right?"
Puck looks uncomfortable. "Look, dude, isn't this best for everyone? It wouldn't mean anything. Like jerking off, but with pussy. I'd even tell anyone I fucked that. Come on."
Finn shakes his head. "No!" he says. "After everything we've been through, you expect me to give you permission to cheat on me?"
"It's not cheating if you give me permission," Puck says. "And do you just expect me to find anyone I feel about the way I do you? 'Cause, you know, if you'd just fucking trust me we might not have this problem anyway."
Finn recoils like Puck hit him. "Yeah, and you're giving me real reason to," he says – fuck, he's starting to choke up now. "With the going on about how you need to fuck and trying to make me give you permission to make this whole thing... something I don't want it to be."
Puck rolls his eyes. "Has anyone ever told you you're fucking self-centered? This is about more than you, dude."
"And it's about more than you!" Finn shoots back. "You don't have the right to make me..."
There's a long pause. Puck sighs heavily. "You're right," he says. "I can't make you give me any kind of permission. And you can't stop me being me. So really, it just all doesn't mesh – we pretty much gotta admit that about now."
Finn blinks. It takes him a second to get it, but once he does, his jaw drops open. Oh god no, please. "You're – are you dumping me?"
Puck bites his lip, and shrugs uncomfortably. "Well, look at it this way – if you won't fuck me and you won't let me fuck anyone else, I'm probably just going to wind up doing it anyway and actually cheating. And then you'll dump me, and you'll be all fucked up about it, and really we should just stop that now."
Finn feels like his guts have been torn out. How can this be happening? "I don't – I don't understand..."
That makes Finn snap. He's sorry? He can just do that to Finn, and then say he's sorry? Like that's meant to make it better? "You know what? Fine," he says, jumping off the bed. "Not even worth it anyway, stupid bastard."
But Finn doesn't give him the chance, storming out of the house. He's trying not to cry. By the time he gets to his car, he has majorly, majorly failed.
When he gets home, he's still a bit teary-eyed. Kurt is in the kitchen, clearly waiting for him.
"Finn," he says. "What's wrong?"
Okay, so he's noticed. Finn takes a breath. "So, uh... I had that talk with Puck."
Kurt winces and stands up, walking close to him. "And... what happened?" he asks.
"He dumped me."
Kurt's jaw drops open for a second. Then he shuts it again, shakes his head, and reaches for the door.
"Dude, where are you going?"
"To go kill Noah Puckerman," Kurt informs him. "Admittedly, I don't actually know where he lives, but I'll find a way around it. Where does he live, actually?"
Finn winces. "Could you not? Or at least, let me go all girl on you for a bit before you run off to play big brother? Please?"
Kurt sighs. "Sorry," he says. "I just – I don't like Noah Puckerman. I never have. He rather made my life hell for a very long time, and I am quite bitter about that. However, I thought it was just that – me being bitter. I thought he had changed – I mean, you said he prayed for my dad when he was sick, and he doesn't even like me. I thought he wouldn't be the kind of person to just do this to someone he professed to care about, because his libido was so overwhelming. At least, not anymore."
Finn cringes. "Well, I guess that wasn't really it," he says. Dude, why are you defending him? "Actually, he kind of said he still wanted to be with me, just... like, he'd need to get laid somewhere else."
Kurt raises an eyebrow. "Like an open relationship?"
Finn shrugs. "I guess? But I – I couldn't. It's dumb and jealous but – I couldn't have this thing where I was expecting my boyfriend to cheat on me, even if it wouldn't technically be cheating. Not after what happened with Quinn, and Rachel. Especially not given Puck was kind of who what happened with both Quinn and Rachel happened with."
Kurt nods slowly. Finn bites his lip.
"Do you think I was too hard on him?" he asks. "You think I should have agreed?"
"If you didn't want to, no," Kurt tells him. "You shouldn't be forced into anything that makes you that uncomfortable in a relationship, Finn, just to be able to keep it – that includes sex, but it's more than that."
Finn sighs. "I just wish we weren't broken up."
Kurt flinches. "It's not worth it," he says. "He's not worth it. If he's the kind of... asshole who would dump you over this, you are far, far too good for him."
Finn knows that. Logically, he's right – Kurt's saying exactly what he would say if this had happened to someone else.
He just hopes it'll sink in soon, because he feels like shit.
A/N: This is the bit where my reviewers kill me, huh?